Found out about the A months ago. Have started communicating with W much better now. Still have a serious problem trusting her with a 'friendship' she has with another man. Am I doing this right?

Give us more background. How long have you been married? When was the A and how long has it been over? Have you done any marriage counseling? Any children? Your W should not be having a close friendship with a man. You have every right not to trust her, especially after she has already had an affair.

I am both a FWW and a BS. I do not allow myself to have close friendships with anyone of the opposite sex anymore as that is one of the things that led to my A. It is a personal boundary of mine that IMHO every married person should have. Get the book by Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends" and read it and if possible have your W read it as well.

Well, you should not trust someone unless they are trustworthy. It would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person. After her affair, she has to EARN trust and having male friends is not going to help her in that regard.

It is not very helpful for her to have "friendships" with any man outside of her marriage after she has had an affair. That does not build trust, as you can see.

Has she ended all contact with her affair partner? What is she doing to EARN your trust back?

Background: We have been married for almost 5 years. My job keeps me away for extended periods of time, and last summer, while I was away the A occured. I was home and discovered this, then had to leave again. My W met this friend during the A, but he was not part of it. He often stays at my house, even when I am not home. My W is adamant that the friendship is just platonic, but I have found messages from him saying "I love you so very much baby". This is extremely hard for me to deal with, but I absolutely do not want to lose her.

She is having another affair. And he is staying at your house when you are gone. You already have lost her, I am sorry to say.

That is not to say that you can't get her back, though, with some hard work.

Do you realize that your job is destroying your marriage? You can't have a marriage if you are not there. As you can see with your own eyes, this is not helping your marriage at all.

I wholeheartedly agree with ML and FF. Close friendships with the opposite sex are not ingredients for a healthy marriage. My husband also does not engage in any personal conversation with women any longer, so as to prevent any unintentional closeness from developing.

J1974, there is no reason whatsoever, imo, to justify her having a man stay overnight at your house EVEN if it is only platonic. And even if nothing physical has taken place with this person, even hugging and "I love you so very much baby" is completely unacceptable.

I understand that you do not want to lose your marriage. But enabling her to carry on like this is not going to give you the marriage you want to have. The best interests of your marriage should be more important than her need to have this other man in her life. It is bothersome to hear people insist that there is nothing wrong with their opposite sex friendships because there is no physical/sexual contact. As if the emotional closeness is nothing.

Does she have a close girlfriend that can stay with her when you are away? Family members that you can enlist to help with this? I agree that you both should read some of the suggested books on this website. If she is not taking your concerns seriously, how invested is she? And how about your job? Are you military or if not would you be able to get a new job that would keep you home so you could both work on your marriage together?

You can get through this...if you are both young a lot of growth will come from just maturing and growing together. I say this from experience as my H and I were married at 22 and had a lot of growing pains in the early years that I think were just from our immaturity. Good luck to you....
Glad

Yes, I am miltary, so the new job won't work. I told her I had found the message and she states that she was raised to make her friends feel like they were part of the family. She admits to loving him, but says she's not putting him first. She wants to have another child with me. They txt each other several times a day and I have no real idea how often he is at my house.

She is having an affair with him, the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can get to work on saving this. I would let her know that you know it is an affair and see what she says. Under no circumstances should he be in your home. That is grossly disrespectful and must stop..

Do you have children? Do her parents live close to your home? Do you have any friends there who could spy on her?

J, don't even ASK if she is having an affair, don't even get into such a debate. Just tell her you KNOW.

Is there a reason she can't live with you?

I have issues with spying. That was how I found out about the A. That is also how I found the 'love' messages. Both times I have felt very guilty for doing so, even though at the time I was also enraged by what I found. My W and I have had several conversations about her friend and how uncomfortable it makes me feel, but she says I'm projecting my feelings of the A onto her friend. She refuses to let him go and has told me not to come between her and her friends.

J, do you think the police should feel "guilty" when they bust a drug dealer using surveillance tactics? Of course not, that would be silly. It is the exact same premise here.

Your guilt is very inappropriate because there is nothing wrong with CATCHING her having an affair; there is something very wrong with HAVING AN AFFAIR.

You have an OBLIGATION to snoop on your wife if you have reason to believe she is having an affair so you can SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. You must do this in order to PROTECT YOURSELF FROM HER. Otherwise, you will lose your marriage.

No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back, J. And there is NO VIRTUE in sticking your head in the sand while she destroys you. That is FOOLISH and will lead to your downfall.


This should tell you that she places him above your marriage.

Ok, I had a thought..you said she wants to have another baby with you. Any chance she is already pregnant?

No, she's already taken a test and it came back negative. I know I'm playing the devil's advocate here, but there is another site I looked at to try and deal with my jealous behavior toward her friend that states M and W can have friendships that have depth and it doesn't mean its an A. I wasn't raised to be comfortable with this idea, but my W is (obviously). How do I know I'm not just overreacting?

"She admits to loving him, but says she's not putting him first."
"She refuses to let him go and has told me not to come between her and her friends".

J, do you see the contradiction here? I certaily hope so! Time to draw some very firm boundaries. According to my calculations, this makes affair #2.

Many far more knowledgeable folks than I will have ideas and suggestions on how to save this marriage, but first you need to realize that your marriage is in very definite danger of collapse.

OVERREACTING...she's already had one admitted affair, she's living in your house with another man, and she's told you not to come between them... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> no disrespect, BUT ARE YOU $HITTING ME!!!!

You are not overreacting. First off, "friends" don't tell each other "I love you so very much baby". Secondly, a commited spouse is not going to allow a "friendship" to ruin her marriage. It is NORMAL to feel jealous when one's wife is HAVING AN AFFAIR, J!

So please stop trying to convince yourself that WRONG IS RIGHT. You know it is WRONG but you are busy trying to convince yourself it is RIGHT in order to appease your W. Appeasement will not SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Only facing REALITY will do that!

IT IS NOT RIGHT! WAKE UP, MY FRIEND!! WAKE UP!!!

J, can I ask how old you are?

I want very much to believe that what I'm feeling is right. Well, kind of (I'd rather not be going through this at all). I have to leave again in a week and I don't know how I'm going to handle being away, knowing that I don't know what is really happening. I'm going to drive myself crazy.

I think you have to start with acceptance of reality, J. Your W is having an affair right in your home. The sooner you face that reality, the sooner you can proceed. But until you accept the truth, this is hopeless.

The evidence is right before your eyes and you are refusing to see it.

I am 32. Divorced once with 3 kids. 1 with my ex.
I know how I sound, but I've been struggling with this for several months and I don't seem to have made any headway in this particular arena. I can't afford to be wrong.

J, I can tell you have been struggling with this. And i can see why. You do not want to see what is happening. And I can UNDERSTAND. You love your spouse and do not want to believe it. But I assure you that male friends do not spend the night with their "friends" and they don't tell her they love her. That is an AFFAIR.

Do you have children with this wife?