My H had recently exposed to OMW, and I received a letter from her, wherein she told me how angry she was and how OM had told her now that the A is exposed, he wants to be with me, and she expressed outrage and hurt over OC. Do I respond to this letter? I would prefer not to, as I now want to focus upon my M.

As you know, I'm not a FWS, but the only response I recommend would be a copy of the NC letter sent to OM. Presumably a copy was not sent to her initially, otherwise your H would not have had to perform the separate exposure. A properly written NC letter would, 1) make it clear that any attempts for OM to "want to be with you" are futile, and 2) include an apology to the OM's wife. After that, NC for either you or your H.

JMHO

WAT

I agree. Just send her a copy of the NC letter that you originally sent to OM.

if anyone should respond, it should be your husband to OMW. let him handle it.

In His arms.

Thank you. I will have my H send a copy of the NC letter to her.

Do not reply.

She is hurt beyond words....and judging by her husband's reactions will continue to be hurt for awhile.

You are doing what YOU need to do...the actions they need to take are squarely on their shoulders now. Anything you would do now would only get in their way and would not be conducive to their personal healing.

Deep breaths and baby steps....that's how you and your dh will get through this.

- kimmy

To say she is hurt is an understatement I am sure. Her life has been turned upside down by her husband and by you. I agree that your husband needs to let her know that you have sent a NC letter to her husband. That you and your husband are working on your marriage. That you no longer want her husband and the affair is over.

As far as the OC, I am wondering HOW sfjaj can have no contact with the OM when he is the FATHER of this child? He certainly must have some legal rights to this child. Does he want the child? Is he going to fight you for custody?

In my opinion, your problems are much more complex than simply having NC with your OM. The well being of a child is at stake. I know that this OC is also yours and your husband is willing to raise the child as his own, but the FATHER of this child also has rights, even though the child was the result of an affair.

This just shows the complexity of an affair. I wish you all the best.

sfjaj has described previously that OM wants nothing to do with the OC.

Sounds consistent with his character, to me.

WAT
----------------
Lola: To encounter a mixed-up, muddled-up, shook-up world. "We have to find a pickup bar with better lighting -- it's just too easy to lola here."

I just found this today, and I want to say that all the advice you have recieved on whether or not to respond is very sound advice. In our case, before we knew I was P, my H tried to contact xomw and actually got ahold of xom's mother. He informed them of the wish for NC and that was the end of it right there as far as xom and any of his family were concerned.

For the poster who was concerned of the NC with the OC involved, well, in many, if not most states, if the H does not contest paternity, the xom has no rights to the child at all. Therefore, NC can and does work in these cases.

On a side note, how are YOU doing SFJAJ? You had mentioned surgery, do you have a date yet? I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you and hope that things continue to work out for you and H. Keep up the good work with NC, and keep that focus on you and H. That's what REALLY matters anyway, right? If and when you have the time, post an update for us.

God Bless,

Thanks, Tigger, for responding here for me! My H sent a copy of the NC letter to the OMW. The OM reached out to me again, requesting, almost pleading to at least remain friends so that he can continue to know about the welfare of the OC. What a mess I've created. Each time this happens, I feel as though I'm back at the beginning of NC/withdrawal again. I tell my H; this is very difficult. Back when I was still in a fog, involved in the A, I had told the OM that I would keep him informed about the OC, and he would respect that my H and I would raise the OC as our own. I think because the OM met the OC when we were still involved in the A, he's struggling to let go of her completely. The OM also contacted my H.

My surgery is Friday...

Ok, I have a question for you prompted by your comment about it feeling like you were back at the beginning of NC. When those times come, do they last a shorter and shorter time? I am sorry that the xom is still trying to contact you, he is NOT allowing your M to heal as much as it could. When he contacted you, did you actually talk to him, or did you ignore his attempt?

I wanted to let you know that I will be away for the weekend. I get to spend it with MY honey after a 3 1/2 month seperation(military stuff but NOT deployed) and the rest of my mom's side of the family. HUGE celebration going on, involving MANY years of marriage! What a thing to celebrate on Easter weekend! I will try to get caught up when I get back, but I want to let you know I will pray for you and your H on Friday! I believe that you said that this surgery should take care of it all? Please, keep us updated as much as you can as to that part of your recovery as well.

It's great to see that sun shining through! Hope you continue to see this growth and new understanding.

God Bless!

***************EDIT****************

Max - are you inferring you know these people?

If so, what's your agenda here?

WAT

MaDMAX - What is YOUR deal? You chime in on all these posts and do NOTHING but criticize everyone.

Do everyone a favor and GET LOST.

WAT - NO agenda remember the other post?

Just likes to get in everyone's business and put in nasty/USELESS comments.

No WAT I do not know these people...

even if I did, my response would not change.


Max

MM - yes the baby is a child...but she is an OC, too. OCs is a title like DD....used to designate that the child came about by the affair.

I agree that the label is disconcerting, but most here know that baby is a BABY that needs what every other baby needs.

Your vehemence is understandable. But please don't take the label as an offense.

I'm disconcerted by it sometimes myself...it is very hard to let people know the depth of my commitment to my OC and that I see them as MY CHILDREN....but in order for all to understand the situation, they must know ALL the facts....and this little name is a way to let everyone know the situation.

- Kimmy

You know 3 times now I have written a reply, Dealan .

I can certainly empathise with you.

So I will leave it at that.

Max

oh bugger it.

I do find it offensive.


Max

madmax, I love ALL of my children with all of my heart. She is correct; it is merely a designation to apprise people of the situation