New here, and need some unbiased opinions. I found out 1 1/2 weeks ago that my husband is having an emotional affair with another woman. I found out when our cell phone bill arrived, and there were over $200 worth of text messaging charges to and from his number. They were almost all to the same number, he confessed, and claims it did not go beyond dinner, kissing and the texting - he says he has only known her about 6 weeks. He claims he needed a friend. Last Monday he had major back surgery, and now is home and in great physical pain. Needless to say, I am in great emotional pain. While he was in the hospital, coming out of anesthesia, he kept saying things like "where's my wife" "is my wife ok" over and over. He was also talking very sweetly to me and touching me affectionatly. NOw that he has been home a few days, he has become distant and cold. He says he loves me, that the affair is over, but he says this in an impatient, irritated tone of voice, then refuses to talk any further. I am still devastated, don't know for sure whether to believe him, and need reassurance. he said he can't handle my "emotional crap" right now. Our adult children know what happened, but my oldest son won't talk to either of us, my youngest son has caught me crying but ignores me, and my daughter who was broken-hearted when her own husband had a one night stand, just told me, via email, that I am the most selfish person she has ever met, for asking for emotional support when her dad is in "so much pain." I spoke to the associate pastor at our church last week, and he was helpful, and he promised to follow up, and talk with my husband, but we have heard nothing more from him. I feel totally and completely alone in the world. I would take on my husband's physical pain in a second, if I could trade it for the feelings of hurt and betrayal I am suffering. My question is, am I being selfish to ask for, or expect, support for myself from anyone? My husband can rally himself to talk in an upbeat, friendly manner to anyone who calls or visits, just not to me.

First, I want to welcome you to MB.
Second, how sorry I am that you are now dealing with this awful pain caused by a selfish affair.
D-Day is very very painful and emotional for all of us that have discovered there spouses affair.

I don't feel you are being selfish at all. It is okay to need support in tough times. Just don't expect support to come from your husband. Find support in your family, pastor, friends, and us here at MB.

You can also visit with an IC or MC for personal and marriage help. MB also offers counceling. I have counseled with Jennifer Chalmers, and Steve Harley. They are the best.

I feel you are lucky to catch this at such an early stage. Very lucky, however don't expect it to be easy for him to just end the affair. Affair's progress very rapidly. Even six weeks can lead to a very strong addiction for your WH.

I highly recommend you find several books to read. 1) How to survive and affair, 2) Not just friends.
There are other very good articles here on the MB site that will help you understand what you need and create a plan.
You will need a plan of how to save your marriage, provided that is your goal.

Right now it is okay to hurt and vent your frustrations here on the site.

Continue to come back and post every detail you learn about and the very good people here at MB will help give you support, motivation, and work with your plan.

Be strong for your kids. They will need you to be there rock and support system. Your husbands affair was pure selfishness and not in the best interest of your marrige or family. You need to be the sane one that acts in the best interest of the family.

You can do this! It is very difficult to see while your hurting, but you can do it just like many of us.

Your in the right place at the right time!

I hope your husband is telling the truth that the affair is over, but rarely does it end so easily. Keep your radar up, they may reconnect as soon as he is up and feeling better.

He's become distant and cold to you because he is in withdrawal from his affair partner. He will feel better when he either reconnects with her or takes the time to get over her (hopefully the latter).

Your husband is the last person on Earth that will give you support while he is in the affair or getting over it. You children also sound a bit confused by the whole thing. Look to friends and others for assistance.

elly,

No, you are not being selfish. The others are right when they say do not expect much support from your H. He is either in withdrawal or still involved.

I do not want to add to your discomfort or fears, but you may want to prepare yourself in case you learn that this was actually a PA as well as a EA.

In the beginning, WS will continue to lie because they are afraid and ashamed of their actions. My FWH told me on d-day that the affair had ended, but I think that he actually ended it a couple of days after d-day.
OW had used threat of exposure to me to keep him in the affair after he tried to end it and I think that once I knew, she had nothing to threaten him with, so then he ended it.

As sad as it is, you may find your best support right here on MB rather than from friends and family, That has certainly been the case for me. This is a wonderful site and the only sad thing about it is that it needs to exist and that so many of us need to come here.

Who

Your feelings & pain are reasonable under the circumstances.

Pep