I have posted previously as "adrianc" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> but since my WW was checking my posts without telling me I though I should start a new thread.

I "found" an email she sent to my MIL back in february. This email is a proof IMO of how thick the fog was/still is:


Mother,

You told you didn’t understand me anymore and I believe it’s difficult considering that you knew only what you saw, which is only a part of the whole story and I don’t know if I could gathered my thoughts anymore.

I’ve never had the strength to make a step forward and say what I had to say, to do what I thought deep down inside was good to do. On the contrary, I’ve done what people surrounding me wanted me to do, and I’ve pleased everybody.

I’ve looked back in time, the way I’ve done it so many times lately, to see that I made a mistake the day I met my H, when I knew he wasn’t the one I wanted and many years I could’ve dumped him and had no remorse, I just needed a sign from the one I actually wanted. But it wasn’t to be like that and here we are. We got married and the years passed by. It’s true, we’ve realized a lot together, we have two wonderful girls, I was the “perfect wife”, the “perfect daughter in law”, maybe not the perfect mother, but for what price? I closed my eyes too many times and I let go until nothing has left out of me. I now am a woman with no desire to live, a wife who doesn’t love her husband anymore, an unnatural mother who, even though she loves her children, cannot stand them and have no patience with them, a mother who feels better when she’s away from her own children, an employee who doesn’t like what she does at work and hates her job, a person mentally unstable, a loser, who allow herself to be gone with the wind. A woman with no personality, no courage, no strength. And yet, for a second, I thought I could change all of these, that I could be somebody, that I could do something with my own life. There was a small chance given to me to start all over again, maybe, and avoid the mistakes I’ve done so far. But, you see, even this time I’ve proved my weakness and lack of courage. I’ve listened to “good intended” people who told me that what I did was wrong, that I had no right to this happiness, that I had to sacrifice myself and my life for their happiness and their piece of mind. My life has no sense anymore, from this moment I no longer live for myself but for the ones surrounding me who will further continue to push me from left to right and to drive me.

He (OM) has no guilt in what happened lately. He (OM) was just ray of light in a sea of darkness, a moment of happiness in a pointless life. Beside him I opened my eyes for a second and saw that my dreams could become reality, but I got scared and I quickly closed my eyes. Maybe it’s not fair to tell you this now, but there is a thought crossing my mind all the time and keeps bugging me. I remember, being a child, when you were crying and were angry with my father most of the time and I told you to get divorced and stop your suffering. I was a child who saw her mother suffering and wanted to help her. If my daughters will ever tell me something like, that second I will die.

Sometimes, not even myself knew what I was doing, I tried to buy more time hoping that I would have the courage to do what I want and what I felt I needed to do which is to get divorced and give myself another chance (and don’t think about him (OM) when I say this. I’ve always told you that I was doing this for myself, not for him). But this postponing only weakened my belief that I could ever had the strength to say IT”S OVER and start all over again, therefore I know regret that I didn’t follow my first impulse.

Right know I only want to see you back home, and I don’t have words to say how sorry I am because you had to be here and go through all this sufferings. Talk to my father and if you want, I will look into changing your departure date. And after that I will see how I can continue my life, how much strength and nerves will have and maybe God will listen to my prayers and won’t keep me alive in this world for too long.

Your daughter (the current WW)

The e-mail from the WS to her mother is sick and dilusional at best. Perfect mother/wife? Wanted to please others? Is that why she is so wacko now? Nope, just a Ws trying to rewrite history.

This kind of person will eventually be alone. That OM isn't all he's cracked up t/b. He is cracked (flawed) and it is only a matter of when that she will find herself alone. While her family will have a life and have moved on, she w/b outside looking in.

Yet you can't tell her that is the direction she is headed. She is ****** bent on finding herself. She is crazy. She is a WS.

What did your MIL have to say about this e-mail? I'd be ashamed if my child wrote such nonsense to me. Yet many a parent will cower thinking they must lick the boots of the WS. How sad.

L.

Orchid you crack me up.

She's right Iknow, he's hanging himself.

Orchid,

Thank you for your post.

As you probably know from my original thread I live in Canada where the mother usually gets the children in case of a separation. My lawyer told me that I don’t stand a chance to get the DDs. He said that the adultery makes my WW a bad wife but not necessarily a bad mother.
At the end of the day I believe that I would end up alone. Whether or not my WW will end up with the OM or someone else would be irrelevant to me.

My MIL gives credit to my WW. Not necessarily for the A but she blames me for making her unhappy. A few days ago my WW was sitting in the fetus position on the sofa and my MIL was holding her in her arms. It was something like “I got to protect my baby”.

Last night we went to a mall with my in’laws, WW, DDs. I simply couldn’t speak in the car. Whenever I see my WW my tongue seems to be missing. I think I should switch to plan B ASAP. My In-laws will take off on April 25 and I am planning to do it shortly after that.

My problem is this: If I give my WW a plan B letter and she doesn’t want to leave the house then what do I do? Has anyone experienced this scenario before?

BTW. My FIL asked us last night to pick a day this week when we could talk (the 4 of us: WW, me, FIL and MIL) about this problem. He was heartbroken and said that he didn’t want to leave our home just like that.
Any thoughts about this?

I told my FIL and MIL that we could have the chat tomorrow evening after DDs are asleep.
My WW doesn't seem to be very enthusiastic about this meeting.
I am looking forward to this.

I wouldn't be too enthusiastic. At the end of the day, blood is thicker than water.

I can't believe WW says in her email she can't stand her kids. that shouldn't hurt you in divorce court. Sounds more like she is just trying to tug on MIL's heart strings. Do you think she believes that MIL or FIL had an affair years ago and she is trying to identify with that?

Great email though - that should become a classic. I think she pretty much covered the WW script.

Did she know OM before she met you? I thought from your previous posts that she did not. Just curious.

BTW, does boby know that WW is on to your thread?

I went back and edited and added to my last post to your other thread since I now know WW may be reading it. Just wanted to deliver her a slightly more personal message. I hope it doesn't offend boby.

traic,

I was hoping you'd find my thread. How can I get LovingAnyway to find it?

No she didn’t know him. I have no idea who she’s talking about. Perhaps she meant that she was waiting to meet the “soul-mate” and he would ask her to leave me.

Boby doesn’t know about this thread.

I did speak briefly with my FIL this morning before I took off for work. He said he didn’t talk to my WW about the A. He wanted to know what our plans were because he couldn’t take this anymore. I told him:
“You know what I want. If you can’t take this anymore, think about my pain and suffering. Think about my DDs future. I have days when I come home and I feel like someone cut off my tongue. I try to say something but I simply can’t. That’s why I remove myself from everybody’s presence and go for a drive. I hope that tonight’s conversation will not degenerate into a fight.”

I'll see what I can do.

I left her a message on her last post in another forum. She has not posted anywhere in over three days.

iknow - it's really tough on the Faithful Spouse when the Unfaithful Spouse is so totally self-absorbed. Even the comment about God not "keeping her alive too long" is self-serving and designed to garner sympathy and avoid having to face the CONSEQUENCES of her choices. To say she needs some serious professional counseling is an understatement.

Now, a question of curiousity based upon the quoted section of her statement. Does she consider herself to be a Christian, or was that just another "backhanded" appeal for sympathy and "poor, poor, me?"

Everything else in her email is typical Wayward Spouse rationalization and justification to themselves for their selfishness and actions that WILL bring immense pain to all who are involved. It is so "textbook" it's sad to see it yet again in another marriage. So rather than taking responsibility for her actions, she is trying to "shift the blame" and make YOU, the Faithful Spouse, out to be the "bad guy" and the Other Man (who's morals say there is 'nothing wrong' in Adultery so long as HE gets his "rocks" off) is the "knight is very tarnished armor rushing to 'service her'" regardless of any "code of honor."

You are going to have ask yourself if you love her enough to endure MONTHS of this garbage until she can recommit to even TRYING to save your marriage, and then beyond that, commit to the years it will take to "make a newer and better marriage." It is not easy, and it is not for the "faint of heart." But is IS YOUR CHOICE.


God bless.

Some have tried to start Plan B before being physically separated and I don't recall any good outcomes.

I recommend you not try this.

JMHO

WAT

Thanks traicionado.



ForeverHers,
I’ve always believed she considered herself to be a Christian but right know she’s not.

I’ve already endured 3 ½ months of this garbage. I don’t know how much longer I can do it for. I still want to recover this marriage because I still have some feelings for her. Not many but there are some.
My fear is that even though I will ask her to leave the house (plan B letter) she won’t do it. Then what do I do? What else can I do so the A will end?
I know that she will get the DDs and I will be paying child support. We live in Canada… How fair is this? She’s the one breaking the marriage and getting the DDs as well!!! It just sucks.

In her email she says she can't stand the DD's. Can your lawyer do anything with that? Her email doesn't exactly make her out to be the ideal mom.

I don’t really have that email. I saw it on my FIL’s computer. I didn’t want to forward it to myself because then the email would be “marked” that it was forwarded. What I did was this: I opened up my gmail account, opened a “new mail” window where I pasted the context of the email from my FIL’s inbox and then emailed it to myself.

WAT,
Somehow I missed your post.

I am not sure I got this right. What do you mean by “before being physically separated”? I thought that plan B letter would make the WS leave the house therefore the spouses would become physically separated.
My WW doesn’t sleep in the same bed with me anymore, if that’s what you meant by being physically separated…

What I meant was that Plan B presumes that the spouses are not under the same roof.

I know that some have tried "in house" Plan Bs - even with the advice of the MB counselors. This is clearly a last resort and seems to contradict the purpose of Plan B which is to isolate yourself from the WS.

You should not assume that she will honor a request to move out - whether delivered via a Plan B letter or not. Maybe she will, but why would she?

If you end up in a stalemate, your options are to endure in Plan A or move out yourself.

JMHO

WAT

If I move out (without a separation agreement) then I will loose the custody for DDs so I guess I am stuck with Plan A.

I have asked her several times about two months ago to move out. She didn't want to.

......or you secure a separation agreement that clearly spells out that you are moving out solely for the purposes of separating yourself from the inhuman pain being inflicted by your adulterous spouse AND grants you the custody you want. Such a separation "agreement" would seem to be avoided by your wife.

This is the major flaw I see with Plan B and I don't have a better idea.

WAT

Excellent advice wat! Encouraging a WS to leave the family house is extremely difficult when they refuse to do so. In my situationl, my WW has agreed to leave, however it is taking her a very long time to get me the LS agreement.

This stalemate could last many months so if there comes a time where you can't take in anymore, make sure you have a strong agreement in place as wat suggests.

By the way, the "it's not you, it's me" line was said to me word for word by my WW. It's all typical babble!