I took DDs to my cousin yesterday (orthodox easter). They played with my brother's kids and had a great time. Obviously WW didn't come with us.

I did speak with my FIL the other day. He believes that I am now working against me because I don't talk too much. I told him that the pain has increased again since my WW still meets with the OM. He said: "That is not true. I refuse to believe that this is still going on." I told him that he was lucky because he was able to think like that and that I knew that I told him the truth about WW and OM.

Anyways, they are leaving tomorrow (Tuesday PM).

WW was not feeling good yesterday (at least that's waht she said) and her mood switched several times during the day. Last night she prepared dinner for me and while we were eating she told me that she prepared the luch bag for me for the next day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Leave your FIL alone to his denial. They will be gone tomorrow. Smile until then.

I bet that my MIL would deny it as well.
There's only one day left...

So, what's the plan for Tuesday night? I'm lost.

Not unusual, mind you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

The plan is to eventually have a chat tonight (Monday). If not, maybe tomorrow in the airport.

What kind of chat?

LA

About my WW's A and what is going to happen after they leave.

How do you know what is going to happen after they leave?

I'm not saying that I know for sure what's going to happen.
It'll probably be a questions from my IL's, I guess. They want to know what's going to happen. I will tell them that my WW will continue her A (business as usual <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />). Would that be a sarcatsic comment?
Or maybe my WW already told them about her decision.

Since you cannot know for sure what your WW will do, I suspect it is inappropriate. It seems to me more like a back door comment to her because you know they will talk. I prefer you stick to what you "know" will happen such as you are going to keep doing your best to try to save the marriage, you are going to dump her like a hot potato, whatever. I would prefer you keep your comments to your actions. You are not going to resolve anything with a chat and only stand to make matters worse.

If you can't talk, I don't know what you'll say, IK.

LA

I know that won't say about the hotel. I have gone so far that it would be wrong to stop right now from trying to save my M. But my feelings for my WW have changed a lot and I am very, very angry right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I only hope that I won't explode if we have any conversation about the mess my WW created.

So, if you're angry enough, your tongue will stop being glued to the roof of your mouth?

Or because you are so angry, it is?

Why not say about the hotel? Why not say, I know you're continuing your emotional and physical affair?

Fearing you'll explode comes from the knowledge that you're withholding your emotions, like damming up a river. You're in control of that. ILs aren't and she isn't.

Again, IK...I care about you. When I continually turn this back to you and your choices, I am not judging or blaming. If this mess is entirely created by WW and must be solved by her...then you have no power, no part, nothing at all. You are a victim and your very powerlessness can render you mute.

You are half the marriage. Your choice to see that as power or helplessness.

LA

oh I don't know..part of me thinks you should drive right by the hotel with your IL's and WW in the car and say
"Hey I've heard that's a really nice place to stay"

then turn to WW and say
"is it?"

don't wait for an answer..turn around and keep driving..



as you can tell, I have no constructive advice to give...sorry iknow, just 'in a mood' today...

there is so much pain and I wish I could help you better navigate it...

I want YOU, iknow, to re-focus on healing yourself....no matter what happens to your marriage, we need to do some pain control and healing work for you...

Right now I feel again the constant pain in my chest and I can barely breathe. I feel that my heart has the size of a peanut and can't keep with pumping the blood...
I feel that I can't get enough oxygen in my lungs...

I wish I could do more to save this M.

Thank you all for your support.

Great advice, Dylan...I love the scenario...is the hotel on the way to the airport?

IK--all your physical symptoms are ones associated with adrenaline, which is what is released when we experience great fear. Breathing, conscious choice, re-oxygenates the blood. Deeply, slowly...and it will signal your self that there is nothing dangerous present...besides you, the beast within.

You are a capable, whole, complete adult man, IK. Nothing that your WW can do, say or be takes any of that away from you. God's design. God's protection. If you feel torn down, taken from, depleted by...you are doing that, giving her your power and feeling fearfully helpless. You are not. Reality says, you aren't. Change your perspective to fit it.

She cannot take your voice, your masculinity, your power or your choices. She can live contrary to your wants and desires. You can do the same to hers.

Give your voice back to you...if you feel erased by her choices, then you have no presence in your own mind when she is present. Know you are present...pinch yourself, breathe, hold your own hand and know you are present. Whatever you say will not change the world...it will only confirm your intent to be O&H, own your part, be your part.

It's vital. Practice today saying, "I am" over and over again. Like breathing, it will soothe your fear, reduce the adrenaline and it will be you asserting your power to yourself. Greatly needed. Much appreciated. Vitally you.

We're here for you,

LA

No chat last night.
BIL and his wife came over last night to spend some time with his parents.
ILs are going to leave today.

Come to think of that, neither them nor my WW told me that they were going to leave today…

Last night BIL’s W told me that on Sunday, while I was with DDs to my cousin there were a few words exchanged between my WW and BIL. He said something like:
“After our parents are gone I have to come here on a daily basis to beat the you up big time until you wake up and come to your senses.
My WW replied to him: “Don’t worry, you won’t find me here for too long.”
My BIL’s W described my WW’s voice as superior and dominant. Probably arrogant too.

I couldn’t sleep well last night. I woke up a million times and again I could barely breath…

I think I will go home for lunch and talk to my ILs. I will tell them how I feel and what my intentions are.

I will post after that.

Do you think you will be able to decide what your intentions are between now and then? Just remember that this is a very tense, emotional, stressful time. Be careful what you say and do. If it is WW's intention to pack up and leave the moment IL's go wheels up, there is nothing you can do about that. Only now is the time (i.e. after they are gone) when reality will truly hit your situation. You have needed IL's to leave for a long time. Just try to remember that this is a good thing that is about to happen - not a bad thing. Be strong dude.

traic,

Are you suggesting that it might be better if I didn't have the chat with IL's at lunch? Just to stay safe and make sure that my mouth won't open before I think what to say?
You might be right... I don't want to say stupid things.
What I don't see is her leaving just like that. I just don't. I believe that she'll file for separation first.

IK,

It is your fear of saying stupid things (which include hurtful, too honest or vulnerable) that renders you mute. Feels unprotected, making things worse, or being too seen.

Your own fear.

I believe you cannot make anything worse, you are unprotected and vulnerable, and that every word unsaid corrodes your heart, causing more pain to self...because self is being told it isn't good enough.

Speak for your self, your heart...not to manipulate, but to be known, vulnerable anyway. You can do this, IK. You can find your voice in the rumble of your fear and be heard.

LA