Oh, you're tired from that? Not laughing, splitting your sides?

You were expecting something different? Why?

She doesn't want her sins revealed...to be known. By you or anyone. She can't accept them in herself and believes no one else can...she's telling you to stop hurting yourself...that you're doing this...because she can't believe you can want her when she doesn't want herself.

She's a fixer. This is the unpleasant side of fixers. They will try to put a bandaid on an oil spill, if that is all they have on them. And they will say they tried. At least they tried.

How do you feel about her anger? What does her anger mean to you?

This would be why I wasn't game to change your threads...keep posting, being honest, receiving honesty back...like a light she might choose to see someday.

Are you ready for Plan B? Your Plan A seems to have run away from you...she wants to stay home...and the boundary of marriage says only two people in a marriage, no private life involved. Vows remain. She'll have to choose to honor the marriage to remain in the home...she can choose to move out and keep her private life, correct?

What do you think? How much gumption have you got left? How much pain have you been wordlessly storing?

LA

First of all, there was no discussion tonight. We talked about the DDs the whole evening and cared for them.
At one point of time she told me that she would put DD2 to bad and she'll go to bad as well (WW now sleeps in the same room with DD2) claiming that she had a terrible headache.
I think she was OK but didn't want to have the chat. WHY? Why is she afraid to do it? Is it because she fells comfortable with the way things are right now?

Plan B... I have asked her (in the past) to move out but she didn't want to.

Going back to my original thread. She was (beside other things) angry because I didn’t protest for all the things that you guys said on my thread…

IK,

That is exactly what my WW told me over and over. It wasn't the truth. It is just what she wanted to believe. Don't let that get to you. If that is all that is keeping her there, she has too many other options for this to be believed. Don't point that out to her. Just let her keep believing it.

Remember that in a marriage, there is no private life. All she wants is to continue her A without interference. She doesn't want you to know the details because of...guilt?

Spy all you want. I took a different approach with WW after a while. At first I got angry with her when I caught her. Later I stopped getting angry and just told her how disappointed I was in her that she was such a weak and pathetic person. I think that stung badly when I did that. I also reminded her what kind of role model she was being for DDs and asked her if she wanted DDs to grow up to be like her. All good stuff going exactly against MB guidelines. Only way I kept my sanity though.

maybe she had a headache because he was here tonight?It is Wednesday and he always comes Wednesdays.

"Going back to my original thread. She was (beside other things) angry because I didn’t protest for all the things that you guys said on my thread…"

Didn't protest...defend her? She's angry because you didn't defend her from her choices, her chosen attitude, perspective and actions?

I don't want to assume...please let me know what she meant, if you know what she meant.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thinking of you.

Happy--so he's there weekends and Wednesdays? How is this NOT living together?

Hmmm.

LA

IK,

The next time you talk to your WW, please give her my sincerest apologies for having criticized her for cheating on you and mistreating your DDs. It was thoughtless and uncaring on my part.

Any news since IL's left?

IK and Happy...

You're on my mind...in my heart...would love to hear from you.

Guess I'm missing you, huh?

LA

As you may have noticed I haven't posted in a while.
Here's a quick update.
ILs are gone. I drove them to the airport. WW stayed home with the DDs claiming that she didn't want to take DDs to the airport.
I had a chat with the ILs in the care (since we were alone) and told them how I felt about what happened. They agree with some of my points but disagree with others. I just let it go.

Anyways, my WW changed here attitudelately. She is very communicative now. We had a few conversations in the past 3-4 days. I told her that we should get separated therefore we should put the house for sale and she should keep one DD and I should keep the other DD. She told me she hoped to stay in the house with DDs and I would move out. I told her that that was not going to happen. If our marriage is going to end than the house will be sold. That changed everything. Every since I told her that she was very nice to me. But... I can't stand her anymore. She says she wants to stay in the house with me as friends without interfering into each others problems. I told her I needed a family and a wife… She said: “Do you think that if I sleep with you, that will solve our problem?”
I answered: “Marriage is much more than sleeping with your spouse.”

There is a lot more that happened but the main idea is that I feel that WW tends to come back home but I don’t want her anymore. I cannot even look at her. There is lots of rejection here… I don’t know what to do.

I basically agree with your stance. Keeping a friendship and staying together is a terrible environment to raise your children in. This will affect them forever. If your WW wants to trade sexual favors for benefits then that makes her essentially a prostitute - and probably a high dollar one at that.

Splitting up DD's though, this reminds me too much of King Solomon.

I do like her bargaining approach though. She keeps everything and you walk away. Gotta give her credit for trying.

At this point, if I were in her position, I would try to make your life a living he!! just so you would get so frustrated that you would choose to leave. Just something to think about.

Has anyone ever felt that you couldn't even look at your spouse? The same person that before you couldn't wait to have s*x with? That's what I feel about my WW right now. I wouldn't be able to have SF with her roght now...

Her attitude only changed when I told her that I wanted to get divorced and sell the house... What does that tell you?

Later

Thank you for coming back, IK, and updating.

As I see this, you have several choices...to go mute, ignore and disdain...which gives your WW exactly what she wants...roommates. You don't answer a question or act as if she is present.

You can be present, without eye contact, looking away, only reacting to what she says in the moment, and hurt, hurt, hurt...but you won't be roommates...you will be enemies showing each other your scars, where the other hurt you most and this would be like a slow revenge.

You could expose to her work.

You could be O&H proactively, by choice, and say you want to be intimate with your spouse...and she isn't safe to be intimate with. You could say "In your presence, I feel sick with grief and repulsed." You could say, "What you are choosing to do is hideous to me. To use me and your DDs."

"I miss who you were before you chose to be an adulterer."

"I treasure happy memories inside...I am grieving the loss of you."

"I will not give up DDs, nor split them. They are innocent of your choices. You did not consider them and I choose to consider them, always."

You could make her life a living heck so she would leave.

You could be at her side every moment she is home, following, standing, sitting...without a word.

You can make that sign that says, "My wife is having an affair" in four-foot letters and put it on your roof.

You can stop filling up her car, doing your husbandly acts of service; and stay present, listen and repeat, show respect and speak your truth.

You could love yourself more, keeping your focus on you and the girls, finding daily five minutes of joy, peace and acceptance of you...not her.

You could read your helpful books (Between Parent and Child) and be excited, sharing, and not dependent on a single word or action from her. You could show her a splendid life she's missing out on...share how you face your pain, own your stuff...and don't allow yourself to focus a wit on hers...because you respect her.

All these choices...a mix and match bag...yours, all yours...and a lot more inbetween that only you can see. This is all about you, IK. Always has been and always will be...God's design. You can make it all about her, and it still won't be...just more self-comfort lies, more distorting reality to ease fears which are only yours...and keep you from living what is your life.

Your choice.

You can also sneak a for sale sign from another house in the middle of the night and put it on your lawn right before she comes home one day...and then put it back that night.

You can be manipulative as all get out...or true to yourself for the first time in your life...

You can continue to drink bitterness and corrode your body, soul, mind and spirit. You can choose to only see actions instead principles...take food from contaminated sources...or you can feast on a self who's been waiting to be embraced all your life.

LA

iknow, I am not in a position to give advice as I am looking for guidance myself, but I can relate to your current situation. Over 2 years ago I was fool enough to take the easy way, to believe my WH's sudden change of hart and to think everything will be back to normal. I took him back for our DS's sake and I admit it for relative financial stability, I believed all he promised and with that I wasted another 2 years just to run back in the same situation and everything was perfect for a brief period of time. He is having an A with the same woman again! I look at my decision back then and it looks so stupid!! All this happened because I choose with my heart not with my head. I was tired and emotional. I believed him because all of a sudden he was saying what I wanted to hear. Now it is still tough but I will make a rational decision.

SW

Keep your children together. If she is a WS, can you care for them on your own?

L.

She wants to sleep with you to solve the situation! Revisit your first posting. Sounds like she did it before when she loved somebody else and married you. Did she get anything major as a wedding gift? She has any advantage marrying you? Anything big happened after you got married?

What do you mean "right now" ?
Let me give you a little piece of reality here : this time she wants to stay in the house and you look almost ready to jump into SF (it is pretty obvious that it is a big issue for you). Since you guys created a precedent when you married why don't you go ahead and do it again ?

I will tell you how this is possible (we, me and my WH did it exactly like this): you are upset and disgusted, she is now all good intentions, she will admit the mistake, apologize, she'll do whatever you want. People around you will say she was wrong but now it is over she admitted the mistake, give her a chance. She will cry (I remember this as being a big one on my list) she will try to look devastated, she will try to inspire pitty; she'll use the kids and her family to make you take the decision she wants. She will be your slave if you want. At that point you will finally say OK, make it look like a favor to everybody. It will look like is your decision and boy, you will have to live with it!
Sorry to break it like that to you, but I think you should look at this perspective too.

And as a mom I'll tell you don't even think about splitting the kids. Even if is only a maneuver to keep your WW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
SW

... and try to be fair with both you and her.

Perfect, I believe we all agree you are 100% right.
But then you are somehow inconsistent. Not only your first but your ONLY thought was You didn't say I couldn't wait to see her, hear her, talk to her, hold her, kiss her... You know...“Marriage is much more than sleeping with your spouse.”
Just something to think about!
SW

It would be "refreshing" to know how you are...

and know you are not forgotten.

LA