I posted a while back about my WH and I've done all I am willing to do to save my marriage. I've decided after much personal introspection that our marriage was not worth saving after all. I turned to a counselor who recommended I check into a book about verbal abuse and it really hit home with me. I have decided that divorce would be better for the kids than what has been happening in our marriage for their whole lives.. We did do the MB home study course and he steadfastly refused to admit contributing to any problems. So my decision is final. I'd rather be alone than to live with an abuser. I've realized I can't change him and he can't change unless he sees a problem.

I also feel eerily calm and at peace for the first time since I found out about the A. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Is that normal? My only concern now is for my children and making sure they learn what a marriage is supposed to be like.

So, he is pushing for a non contested divorce and I really don't care as long as I get exactly what my attorney has recommended I get. Any advice at this point. He's already started pushing my buttons and is trying to intimidate me and today is the day I formally announced my decision to him. I have an attorney all lined up and ready to go. Our state is a fault state and I refuse to do a no fault divorce in this situation. I don't really care how long it takes because I have nothing to gain by making it quick-only he does-the ability to bring the OW around his family. So any advice as I start down this road from those of you having the experience?

I am sorry you have to be going down this road that none of us would have chosen. I am in a fault state as well. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. DO NOT LET HIM INTIMIDATE YOU. He is the one in the wrong. Of course he wants it to be done quick and uncontested. That may not be possible. Go to your lawyer, have it all written out exactly what you are entitled to and settle for nothing less.

It is going to be an emotional time for you. Divorce is not easy. But there are consequences for his actions.

I feel for you, but you will get through. My h got mad and everything else because of all he has had to pay, etc... child support, 100% of all child care, etc, he doesn't like it one bit. But he chose this path. Like I tell him when he gets all huffy... there were consequences to your choices and these are some of them. State law is state law.. I expect everything myu children and I are entitled to. Bottom line. Good luck and post here if you need us. mlhb

i know i;m a guy and probably not who you want to hear from but here's my thoughts.

keep the kids best interests in mind from moment one. i have "given up" things financially to "get more" with my daughter. no regrets so far. find a good lawyer, give him as much money as possible. tell him what you want/don't want from the divorce and do whatever he/she says from then on. take the high road as much as possible. he will try to goad you into emotions that don't belong to him.

it will get worse before it gets better but eventually you'll be better for it because your kids will be your focus.

learn the laws in your state in your spare time and use them, as the mom, to your advantage. keep financial records as clear and thorough as much as possible

I agree about the children... you must fight for them and their best interests...

I have put mine into counseling and protected them completely, as much as I can from my h's lunatic cheating behavior. he tried to use them to hurt me and all that happened is that they got hurt.

take the advice from my first post to you, and gekko's is good too, and yes, put the kids first in your decisions as much as you can. mlhb

What does fighting for the best interests of the children and putting them first mean in this situation? I think it means that I fight for them to have the best moral and financial future possible. I want them to have no contact with the OW as long as possible but I have been told I can't prevent it in the long run. I don't want the children to lose touch with their father but they get to chose if they want to go for visitation at age 14 and who they live with. Between 11 and 14 they get a say in the matter if mature enough and my 11.5 year old is extremely mature. Both have come to me separately and said if we divorced they want to live with me.

He's pretty much ruined his relationship with both of them. He's been hyper critical of the 14 year old who is very sensitive and typically emotional for the last 5 years. She withdrew from him and has really become close to me. I tried to tell him and I know it's caused her great pain and anguish because she's told me. When I shared that with him, he laughed it off and said it was no big deal and that she needs to toughen up and quit acting like such a baby.

The younger child is the one who is close to him now and will be the most impacted by the affair and divorce. She is very moral and sees no shades of gray in any situation. She has a friend whose dad had an affair and her parents divorced over it. Her comment to me was if her daddy did that she would be ashamed that he's her dad and would never speak to him again. I can't see that lasting more than a few months but I can see her never ever as long as she lives being anything less than absolutely venomous to the OW. She has a pretty stubborn streak and once you have offended her, it's really impossible to win her back over.

So, his relationship with them will be rather touchy after this comes to light and he's going to have to work really hard to make it a quality one. He is aware of the situation with the younger one and what she said but he thinks he can charm both of them into forgiveness. I don't know, maybe he can. I know they both love him and I want them to-they need a daddy. I'm certainly not going to try and put a wedge between them.

I've spoken with 4 different attorneys and all of them say I am sitting pretty financially due the fact we have been married 22 years, I've been a SAHM for the last 12.5, and his income earning potential is MUCH higher than mine. We are in a fault state and he is really at fault without me ever bringing the abuse situation to light. He is starting to talk to attorneys and already tried to get me to sign an agreement not to take him to court because he said that's how you do a collaborative divorce which is what he wants. I went and read about he process and it specifically says if you can't agree then you go to litigation. So he lied-BIG surprise-not. I am guessing his lawyer told him how toasted he really is and now he's scrambling to contain the damage by trying to lie to me and get me to sign away my ability to go to court. Funny but sad at the same time.

Part of the abuse pattern he has is to treat me like I'm his slightly less than bright disliked stepchild who can't quite make it through the day without his correction and advice. He's never given me credit for having a brain. He still can't figure out how I know about the continuation of the affair.....and I'm not about to tell him.