W got back from IL's tonight...not good. I plan A'd her to death. She hated it. She feels like the worst person in the world...she would get so frustrated because I didn't get mad and I continually told her I loved her and I understood where she was coming from.

A lot came out. She wants to go. She got so frustrated when I talked about not separating. It is late on top of things.

She says the only reason she would stay with me is out of obligation. I told her if she knows what she wants, why not say it? She wouldn't say it. For some reason, it doesn't hurt like I thought it would. This is the woman I love more than life itself. I lost her. Feel like my world is over...but it doesn't hurt. I don't understand. I guess you can't force love. Love is a choice..and she doesn't choose me. I have to let her go...let her go and be free. I know she cares about me...otherwise she would have moved on already. I don't really have anything else to say...I guess I am ready to start a new life...just don't know where or how.

I feel your pain. I am going through the EXACT same thing now with my WH. Some days it hurts so bad I feel like I can't even breathe. Other days I feel like I am better off. It's such a weird mix of feelings. I can't give you any stellar advice.... needing a lot myself. But I will keep you in my prayers. Everything will work out just like it should.

Kelley

Lost...

Your wife is under the influence of an affair...she's an addict...Virtually EVERYTHING that she says right now is FOG BABBLE!!! If you want your wife back...BUST UP THE AFFAIR!!! HOW??? EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR!!! I have read much of your story...LISTEN to MELODY...The advice that she has been giving you is DEAD ON THE MONEY...Lost stop being NAIVE!!!

Your wife is selling you that she is done because she is in the throes of an affair, whether you choose to believe that or not...IT IS TRUE...If you want her back...don't buy what she's selling... EXPOSE and get the DEATH of this AFFAIR under way...

Mrs. Wondering

I tried to see when your Dday was but didn't see it but I get the idea it wasn't that long ago. I doubt that you are "ready to start a new life". That is a feeling a lot of us go through but it is transient. Mine lasted about a week before my serenity came crumbling down.

I know this feeling is temporary. I know it is going to hurt...it will hurt a lot. Her heart is gone. I may be being naive, but I am tired. She told her family about everything. MIL was supportive, FIL said you always stick, SIL told her she is giving up on the best thing she has. Guess WW's reaction. Happy with MIL, so-so about FIL, mad at SIL. She wants to be told it is okay. I really believe she just doesn't love me. We've grown apart. You can't hold on too tight to anything. Love is a choice...and she doesn't choose me.

Thanks Kelley. Right now, I am putting my faith in the Lord. I have been straying in my beliefs, but this experience has brought me back to Him. I trust Him. If I am supposed to move on, it is because He has another plan for me. He can see what we can't. I don't feel like I can find this love again, but who knows what is on the horizon?

My WW sought out enablers too. She didn't find them. She was amazed that not many people were willing to tell her that having an affair was okay. Kill the A and give your WW time to get over it before she decides what she really wants. Right now she doesn't know. My WW was afraid to run off with the OM. As much as she wanted to, she didn't have the courage. She hoped I would force her but I didn't.

If your WW wants to leave, it is her choice to do that any time she wishes. If you still love her, don't make it easy on her to bail out.

I agree with what you are saying. She is so frustrated because I keep telling her how much I love her. She keeps saying "I'm going to be the bad guy because I don't want to work it out." I tell her, "If you don't want to work it out, what are we doing?" She said, "I need time alone to think about things and know what I want." She got so frustrated when I wouldn't agree with separation...like a caged animal.

I will do what I can about the A, but I don't think it will make a difference. Thanks for the encouragement, but I am at a loss right now. Maybe I need some sleep.

I don't know your sitch so don't know why you cannot do anything about the A. If WW is still in the A, there is nothing you can do for your marriage.

I am not sure what is keeping her there but I doubt it is that she just doesn't want to be the one to take the blame. She is having an affair for crying out loud - she already is the bad guy from that POV.

If she wants time alone - it is most likely to continue the affair in private without having to be accountable to you. That is almost always the case.

Lost...

If you found out right now that your wife was a crack addict, what would you do? Would you feel no sense of obligation to help her break free from that addiction? Because that is exactly what you are saying by deciding not to help her break free from the addiction of the affair that she is in by exposing it...I personally would feel a greater sense of loyalty towards someone that I claimed to love as much as you claim to love your wife...Of course that is up to you...

Lost, I'll leave you with this...

"Don't tell God how big your problems are...tell your problems how big your God is"...


Mrs. Wondering

Traicionado,

The basics of the situation are that two weeks ago, my wife told me that she was confused of her feelings for me. She had been doubting things for awhile. A couple of days later I asked if she was having feelings for someone else, and she said yes. He made an off the cuff comment and she found herself interested. She wasn't sure why, but she knew it was wrong and started feeling guilty ever since. We struggled through these past two weeks. She ended up meeting with him and they shared their feelings. She left for 4 days without contact to anyone here (verified..I did snooping) and now she is just as confused as when she left. I am leaving Wed for my parents. She wants to separate...says she needs to clear her head. I know this is only because it will be easier to leave me when I am not around. Long story short, only EA for now. Probably PA after separation...then D. I'm too tired right now to care. I'll check back in tomorrow with a clearer head.

hey lost...hope you got some rest. i dno't know too much to say - except take care of yourself...try and step back from her fog and spinning so you can see things clearly. be strong in the face of her cruelty...she may not come back...but either way you didn't get played and you can look back on this situation and see yourself as a man who did his best to save his marriage but didn't play the fool.
keep me posted.

Wow, you are just giving up?? I thought you wanted to save your marriage? What happened to that?

i think it may be exhuastion speaking...you gotta get stronger and get your game on...don't do what she expects you to do - which is crumble. strength and attitude are key. Not that I am they expert by any stretch - but i think i am seeing what is necessary to make a +++ impact.

ok, Lost, your marriage is far from over. This affair is no different than any others around here. Your W is saying nothing UNIQUE from the other fogged out WS' we see here every day. And many of those marriages are saved if you just follow some simple [NOT EASY!] MB principles.

There is no reason to give up hope. If you were in love before, you can be in love again. But, you have to collect your wits and start doing the things I told you about last weekend. You have to get to work or you really will lose your marriage.

It won't be easy, I am not going to lie to you, but it can be worth it if you are willing to do the legwork.

Lost, go read starfish's thread about fear: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1