Just wondering if any WS's have told the whole truth about their A? I keep finding out new lies on my own and confronting my WH and they are really, really big ones. What must a BS do to get the whole truth? What is there for a WS to lose by being completely honest? Aren't you already at rock bottom? It will just make things worse when the BS's find out the truth on their own.

-CO

The A disease makes it virtually impossible for a 'WS' to tell the truth. At best, you will get partial truth of which the WS expects full credit with all privileges restored.

How to get the whole truth? When the WS ceases t/b a WS. That part of his character must cease. The WS has a split and evil personality which has taken over the mind and heart of your spouse. The drastic change is like day and night for many.

As long as he is a WS, you won't find out the truth. The trick is to learn how to give him back his guilt.

U working with a good MC? Do you have a plan? Have you identified your boundaries and do you know your rights?

L.

many many many people have been in your shoes and know hwat you are going through....nothing really is going to make sense for awhile...i see you have posted several things, while your emotions are goin nutty...

the only advice i would give you is to take a sleeping pill, go to sleep and try to keep your wits about you...

tomarrow is another day. there are alot of people here that can help you through the different stages you will go through...

my marriage didnt survive....BUT...you are too emotional to even consider doing anything like divorce yet...though that will be your first inclination...lots of stuff for you to do still, just listen to advice and put plans into action...

go get some sleep...i know, easier said than done, i once was up for 3 days after i discovered my Xwifes affair...i was running on adrenaline and finally crashed...it's not a good feeling..

hang in there!

Cheated On -

I am a FWW, just exposed to my H on 4/9/06. We talked again last night.....he knows EVERYTHING. Every little, disjusting (sp?) detail.

Not fun - but radical honesty is a must, so hopefully we can move forward and have a better marriage for it.

Good luck to you.

cheated on....this is a question that took me a long time to understand myself and there is a part of me that still "wonders" about total truth from a period that happened 7-8 years ago.

Believe it or not my boundaries once again came up yesterday. She was upset that I checked her e-mail (it had been a few months), that she "doesn't even ask about work functions (I tell her that I refuse to apologize for my issues with her social activities with fellow employees, customers or clients) outside of the office. She says you do not trust me...not entirely the case. It has more to do with my boundaries established as a condition of reconciliation and remarriage...That is a different topic.

Why do they lie? To protect themselves from their truth is what I have concluded. I know my FWW gets ill at the thought and has her own triggers...

There are other reasons but that one sticks out for me...

Good luck

Question - or comment maybe.

As hard as it was for radical honesty..it was also a relief for me (FWW). I don't understand why a cheating spouse wouldn't "own up" to their behavior. That is your opportunity to "come clean" so to speak. That isn't the time to hold ANYTHING back.

In my mind, and this is from advice from people here on MB, your marriage cannot start to heal/recover until radical honesty begins.

As a FWW, the only reason I would see for another WS not to come clean is because they aren't through with their A. And still very much in the FOG - contact with OP has not been severed.

God Bless.

Does this mean I should assume he is still contacting OW? Why would he be trying so hard, going to counseling, going on dates and still contacting OW? I don't know what to do. Should I just sit here and wait for him to call me. I mean, he has to call me about the girls eventually.

sadandconfused, you meantion this too, that there is still contact with the OW. And how does the BS know when it is the whole truth. We aren't mind readers. I just don't have a clue on where to even begin. I thought I had the "whole" truth 3 times now. When is enough enough?? And how should I go about seeing if there is still contact with the OW? I had called her about three weeks ago and she told me she wanted nothing to do w/him because he was a liar. She also came clean to me about some other things so what does she have to hide?? I am just a mess.

sturgis05,
unfortunately I didn't get any sleep. Not even 5 mintues...it was torture all night long. I feel like I'm in a fog. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Cheated on....Hey I am new to all of this myself. And probably not the not to offer advice. However, I just created a new post TO ALL WS....this is my opinion.

Either people want to work on their marriage or stay in their A. I choose to work on my marriage, disclosed every detail to my husband. It is my job to be an open book to him. Any question he has, and there has been many and it's only been 2 days since I came clean, but I expect that.

I WAS THE ONE WHO WENT OUTSIDE OF OUR MARRIAGE.

Sound to me like your getting "dragged" around and THAT is not fair. Why do you keep finding things out over and over? Why can't she come clean once and for all. Only my opinion but the A is not over....

She needs to OWN IT!

WS build up huge huge walls seperating their actions from the truth...

our brains and survival assist us in denying the truth...
they help us live with our selves...

holocaust victims HAD to do this to go on living....

history shows our brains are set to survive....

WS layered lie upon lie...
then they deny they are lies...

they need to learn to speak the truth again...and speaking the truth destroys the rationalization of walls they have built..

it is my opinion that sometimes the continuation of lies is also a survival technique...

I have a hard time with WS that want to wallow in the creation of their mess...

the old...
what I did was sooooooooo bad we (the marriage) will never get over it..

easier to hide...
than face the reality....

BS should have in their arsenal broad generalizations about the truth....

they should speak of their hope and understanding that their is no denying that there were tons of lies that occured to make an affair happen....

and the reality that the OP ACCEPTED in their lives a LIAR...but that you the BS have much more belief in their WS..

belief that WS want to be honest and live in the light
belief that the truth sets you free and every moment spent with the OP was an abomination of the truth...built on a house of cards AND the OP encouraged and promoted the WS to be a liar...

and that you love your spouse too MUCH to facilitate or partipate in their own demise...no matter where things end up in the end...

dear spouse...I want you to return again being a truthful person...
dear spouse I want to once again be that type of person who knows the value of truth...

I want this for you...because in the end it will benefit YOU the most...

BS hold a lot of unfair responsibility in hearing the truth....

and controling their pain so as not to be part of the reason the WS wants to retreat...

I figure pretty much ALL of us when we have 'bad' things to tell...test the waters...

let me tell them this and this...and see how they take it...
and then I will know better how they will take the really bad stuff....

it's a dance....
BS should make it a dance of hope..
rewarding perfusely when the WS speaks the truth....
for their own good as well as the BS's...

ARK

cheated:
great question i cought my W whom im currently seperated from her choice not mine. lying to me still about stuff when there is no reason to its so freaking frustrating.so laughable, but yet it gets to me.

I'm not saying this is the case for you, but...

With my now-XH, he also continued lying because he was still seeing the OW. This went on for months. The final blow to our marriage was after he walked out to go be with her. He called two days later, wanting to come home. I already had a plan in place, knowing that would happen. I told him we could try to save our marriage again, but there were a few conditions: 1. We would have to go to counseling; 2. he couldn't come home to live for at least a year; and 3. he couldn't continue to live with her or see her either, so he would have to find somewhere else to live (and I actually found other places for him to live that he could afford).

We went to counseling and went through R for 2 1/2 months. It ended at that point because I had been getting more and more upset the whole time, because nothing was changing, and he didn't really seem to be trying. At around 2 1/2 months is when I decided to actually do a little digging around, and found out he had never actually quit living with OW.

To this day, it makes absolutely no sense to me that he would lie about where he was living and try and go to counseling with me and go through recovery with me while he was living with her and promising to marry her as soon as our divorce went through (which we weren't even talking about yet - and of course, she wasn't divorced either). I guess I was the backup plan - she evidently was kicking him out every couple of days or so. I don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I trusted him, and since he told me about the affair, I was naive enough to trust him for a while even after that. Once I finally did catch on, what I discovered is that he was lying constantly about everything, even things that really didn't matter. That old joke about lawyers suddenly rang very true for my WH - how did I know when he was lying? His lips were moving.

The only thing you can do at this point is verify everything. If your WS is really a FWS, he will be understanding about your need to verify, and that he needs to earn your trust again. And eventually, you'll find there's nothing new to find anymore. But if he gets indignant at you checking, or if new info keeps popping up all the time, those are bad signs.

OSXGIRL - I am so sorry.

Just like I said above, instead of being honest, he dragged you through He//.

I wonder how long it takes a "typical" WS to come clean. And when I say come clean, I mean the "whole truth". I bet it is never. I agree with ark about the walls that they built. It is like they are in their own world behind those walls.

My F?WH is in the mental ward right now. He checked himself in last night after my second revelation of his lies. Maybe he will finally get it, maybe not. I'm just going to stick around and see what comes of it. I'm not filing yet, just trying to stay strong here. As soon as he called from the hospital I started LBing. I need to stop. I keep telling myself to just be nice and try to be there for him. He said again that finally this is the whole truth, that there's nothing else. Do I believe him....of course not! I'm just going to stop digging b/c there will always be another revelation and I can't keep feeling this way.

Please, please WS's tell the whole truth!!! TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH!!!! I'll be happy if this gets through to just one WS.

--CO

This is what my post was about this morning. OWN YOUR BEHAVIOR.

Now it seems people want to question me b/c I am a FWW trying to do the right thing.

Can't win.

S&C,

Please don't be discouraged, just keep on working. You are doing many things that are positvie in your response to your affair. Understand that all we know about you is what you write, so to fully understand your situation and to provide the best advice from the MB experts, we need to know the entire situation.

xring

I understand that, I really do.

I was on cloud nine this morning and know I want to throw up my insides.

Give me a chance, it's only been TWO days since I told my H!

Because BS's let them.

S&C,

And as I said in my post, even though I never saw it with my XH, I think it is possible to tell the difference between a truly repentent WS who has gone NC and come clean and one who is still hiding things. The FWS who has really tried to tell everything won't get upset at being questioned, will understand that the BS's trust can't just be given again, it will have to be earned, and will be patient with the BS being upset and hurt and moody and angry and.......

When a WS keeps lying and keeps hiding things and doesn't become an open book to the BS, most of the time, it's because the A is continuing. If it isn't, either the WS wants it to continue, or at the very least, isn't willing to open up about the A and the problems in the marriage to try and fix things. It's a sign the BS wants to just cover over everything and pretend nothing happened, which won't fix the marriage.

It sounds like you are one of the ones that are trying to do the right things, which is great. Just understand that most people who post here have never seen that. You're a unicorn.... most people don't really believe you exist. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

OSX - I am trying and it's not easy especially for my H whom I have wounded beyond belief.

I am so sorry for your situation - and I'm here if you would ever like to talk.

God Bless you.

Cymanca,
Am I interpreting this right, we should just divorce them after the first lie? Just wondering, not putting you down or anything. I just wouldn't consider myself letting my WH lie to me. I did so many things to make my WH "learn his lesson" by lying to me. I didn't just sit there and take it all in like it was nothing. He makes his own decisions, not me. I will not take any responsibility for his lies.

-CO