Any helpful advice appreciated.
My husband and I are seeing a therapist he has seen him 3 times alone, me once alone and twice together.
Several years ago we saw a counselor for 3-4 months and we seemed to do better. My husband and I both feel we are not getting anywhere.
We both agree we are looking closer at what we say and do to each other but he feels the same things that bothered him the last time we saw a counselor are still present.

For me I have a whole new ball of wax to contend with only a few of the old problems which I can deal with.Since we are not getting anywhere we are wondering if separation would help us in any way.

He feels separated we can see if staying together is really what we want and love can overcome and work through our problems.
I feel I want to separate but I can feel myself putting walls up higher ie: lets make if for several months and we have no contact other than counselor meetings and sharing kids.

Now, I am not so sure thats the way to go but he is even more adamant to separate. We have two small children that have always known a loving whole family how do we break it to them?
I have asked our therapist the same question.
How often should we see a therapist with this much baggage in tow?

I love my husband and feel once we make this move we willnot come back together and that his single friends he has surrounded himself with will push him further away.
Should I let nature take its course and if the friends move in than I can consider it not worth the effort or should I fight somehow.

Please Please tell me what you think.

Thanks, [color:"blue"] [/color]

Hi
I really feel for you
I feel the hardest things in a marriage is communication, balance & compromise. By the sounds of your letter, my husband & I are going through similar issues. We have recently separated, yet seeing each other frequently. We decided to leave the past in the past and looking at today as a new start. We are dating on a regular basis & communicating better than we ever did & learning about each other all over again. I believe we all have baggage & it's up to each individual to take responsibility for there own. I have now taking ownership & working very hard to make changes within myself. It is an option for you & your husband to think about. It doesn't mean the end. It gives you both a chance to rediscover each other & yet do self searching as well. It's working for us, it could work for you! Good Luck

Thanks so much Mrs. K!
I have another question for you did you and your husband think the way to handle separation was to not be in touch but rather see if the yearning and love was still there?

Did you scehdule dates alone, attend parties as dates etc?

DId you consider dating others in the process of finding if love was still present?

Hi all,

SInce separation is truely on the horizon can anyone tell me if their are any good guidelines to follow?

Is it best to stay away from each other for a couple of weeks then start meeting?

Do you set up dates with each other, attend parties etc?

Do you tell friends you are separated and trying to work it out?

Do you set up rules with your spouse such as no outside dating ?

AND if after you have done all this doe's it make it easier for spouses to work out the problems and conflicts because they no they still care for one another?

What about the kids, small ones isn't this pulling them back and forth in the process? Or, is it better to let them see you are trying and hope one day it works out so that they will understand?

Really struggling with losing the love of my life, best friend and father of my children can't believe things have gone this far.


Thanks for your advice and thanks to you to MRS. K!


Not smiling

Good to hear from you
The first week of separation was very emotional. We realized how much we missed each other & loved. We new in our hearts we didn't want to go back to the marriage as it was before separating. The second week we started seeing each other, not socializing with friends or family. It was all about us, so we spent quality time alone. We decided it didn't matter what anyone else thought because we had to reconnect with each other & everyone else would have to fit around us. We made "US" the most important people in our lives.
Dating anyone else is the furtherest thing from our minds. We new we still loved each other & while there was a chance for our marriage, we both gave it our all.
We have 7 children & 7 grand children between us. They all want our attention. We have now realized that's where our attention & energy was going & not on us as a couple.
Treat him as your King. Make him (other than yourself) the most important person in your life. Take time and think about the early days of your relationship all the little things you would do for each other. How that used to make you feel. Has all that gone?

Mrs K

Reading your letter, it breaks my heart
There is no best way of separating. It's very painful for all those involved. Only you will know within yourselves on whether you can continue with seeing each other for a few weeks. I feel at a time like this, it's a good idea to let your closest friends know whats happening. They can be a comfort for you during this time. You will need someone to talk to & to let out your feelings. If the love between you & your husband is real, it will bring you together.
Take care
Mrs K

No, none is gone in fact. My spouse has always been wonderfully giving after our twins came along we had new challenges everything from finances to family issues.
My biggest fear is in the last year and a half he has replaced our companionship as well as the families with guy friendships. These guys are on the whole heavy drinkers, divorced and going through mid life crisis issues. He was always so considerate now he goes out with the guys (quite a distance from home) and comes in the next day 2-4am.
Then he joined a motor cycle club after the meetings where they also play cards and darts he joins them for breakfast again coming in 2am or later and sleeping in the next day.
He wants me to get out and have friends as well but my feeling is that he wants to make what he doe's ok.

I keep giving ,making him things, supporting him even in the areas I don't agree with but I get nothing in return except a hard cold attitude one minute that turns to hey baby.... the next.

I am also afraid, he is only staying with me for the sake of the children and finances because he couldn't make it on his own.

Sorry long winded just really scared of the territory I am heading into.

Not smiling

Im sorry to hear that.
Sounds like he's wanting the single life again.
He's got it all. He has his children, you & his mates. He's in a comfort zone. It will stay that way while you allow it.
I feel you need to evaluate your own life & what your needs & goals are. This must be very stressful for you.
Your better off being happy alone than being unhappy for another day.
Take care
Mrs K

Hi,

I hope it is a good thing. My wife and I are in the middle of a separation. It went from wanting a divorce to now dating each other. When we decided divorce was out the window we agreed NOT to see anyone else. We are both in our 30s. She was the one that initially thought our marriage was over. I see now I desrved a lot of the blame. Took her for granted and was not as affectionate as I should have been. I was devastated but always put on an understanding face when we see each other. We are not out of the woods yet but at least I now feel there is hope. I wish you the best.

ht777

Thanks, HardTImes.
I wish you the best as well.