happy monday folks....well i made it through the weekend and YUK - it sucks! Overall I think the weekend went well... please someone give this a read and tell me if you see any change in her...because I am too close to it and just can't tell if i am making progress or if she is just biding her time.

1st - she has been very nice - asking me if she can get me anything - getting our dinner together - wanting to do my laundry - thanking me politly when i do things for her - wanting to go to bed together at the same time etc...

2nd - she has been attentive to our daughter - parenting her - while i still do most of the work - she is interacting - telling her she loves her. She does talk about future stuff with our daughter - which seems to be inclusive of "the family" and all of us being together.

3rd - she still won't reach out to me physically at all. she doesn't tell me she loves me. - If i initiate telling her i love her - or touching her in any way - she responds. I accidentally told her i loved her last night - it slipped out - because that was what i was feeling - and she said she loved me too...not enthusiastically - but she could have just said "thank you" which is something she has done before.

this morning on the drive in we listened to music...and a song came from Little Big Town called right her - all about there is somebody who loves you and they are right here...that I know your heart gets tangled up sometimes - but there is someone here who wants to hold you tight - right here. You get the jist - but her mood dipped significantly after it was over...until something upbeat came back on.

there have been no phonecalls or text messages - through the weekend - I would think if she was in a recipricle A - that she wouldn't be able to help herself.

I have not discussed us with her - in a couple of weeks now - and think that at some point this week - or weekend it is time to talk. if she still doesn't know - then it might be time for plan b?

the OP that I thought she had a crush on - returns to work today after fathers funeral...ugh

PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT KIND OF VIBE THIS THROWS OUT THERE.

oh yeah...one other thing in the stuff I noticed this weekend...we watched "two for the money" this weekend....which was pretty good. There was a scene where the guys boss sent a girl into his office to make out with him to build his confidence for the day. I jokingly said - geeze i need a boss like that.

well my w didn't like that at all - she gave me a sad look - and said what? what do you mean ...all hurt. I didn't think she would react like that - i didn't think she would care...I just said "i'm just kidding babe" and then it was over.

good point to the film though - at the end the w says to husband...in the end it is just the 3 of us that matter (them and there daughter) - i hope she heard
that.

hey sturg...thanks for the post...and keeping my head grounded...

Thats the last bit of stuff i picked up on...again your thoughts are totally welcome.

-----------

Then this is what happened last night. I am starting to really believe she has some manic /depression stuff happening.

She had to work late so I took the baby to some friends house so she could run around...and I talked with these very dear friends...and they are worried for me...that even if she stays I am going to be dealing with stuff like this for the rest of our marriage because she is so impulsive.

Anyway I picked her up and she was happy as can be - tired yes but talkative and completely sweet. When she is like this - i am lost because it is so far removed from where we were a couple of weeks ago.

She is not affectionate - but sweet and attentive.

When we got home she went up to bed...i did not follow...i did some reading downstairs. She came down and said "aren't you coming up to bed with me?" I put the game on for us so we can watch it...come on. I told her i was reading and would be up in a few minutes.

After a bit I went up and got in bed and we were both exhausted and we crashed.

This morning she was still WAY up beat. Happy and asking me questions...again I don't know how to act???? I drop her off and she said - have a great day & call me...then the cheek kiss.

What the heck is going on here....please you pros out there give me some clues.
thanks.

we're not 'pros'

we're 'seasoned'

ummmmmmmmmmm

no clear temperature reading

just continue Plan A

wait for consistency to make a real reading

i have had several folks tell me i am dealing with NPD (narcissistic personality) and after reading a little about it - i am afraid i am. and if so - this may be a whole other ball game.

cl...

A couple of things. All WS act this way. Maintain an even keel, regardless of her behavior. If the OM is at work, this could go on a very long time. You need to find out if she's having an EA with your suspected party, otherwise, you could be living in this pattern for a very long time. You may want to consider purchasing a copy of Not Just Friends, and leave it laying around the house. You do KNOW that if she's involved in an EA, she will have to LEAVE that job, right? I still think you should consider a PI consultation to see what they believe they can uncover for you, in her workplace. Have you purchased and installed that keylogger yet?

Appreciate the moments she desires to be close, and when she doesn't, take no offense. Avoid the compulsion to follow her highs and lows, or you'll go nuts.

Set up an appointment with the Harley's, for yourself, and see if they have any suggestions on how to get her to participate. If she won't participate, you go ahead with the appointment, and learn from the EXPERTS how to deal with your very unpredictable W right now.

Just my thoughts,
SD

Hey shattered...thanks.
I don't know at this point if she is having an EA or if she has just idealized this person in her head....which is something she has always been prone to doing.
fortunately the contract for her job is up in august...so eventually it will end on its own. although august is a long way off.

she does not use the computer at home ever...and in the last few weeks there have been no weekend phone calls or texting.... i have checked this out. but she is at work m-f so i don't know what goes on at the worksite.

I have actually gotten myself in to see someone...who said that i was managing all of this incredible well....agreed with plan a but to maintain dignity.

Did you ask her the question: What do you percieve as walls that may exist between us?

How did she respond?

Take a day off work and see what/who she goes to lunch with... There's a lot of snooping you can do, if you just decide to do it. Just be cunning about it, and don't get caught.

Are you willing to take the chance that by August this infatuation might develop into more?

Information is power, didn't I mention that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Stay the course...
SD

If u r wondering when she w/b meeting your real needs, then you've got a problem. U seem t/b settling for crumbs....bigger crumbs but crumbs nonetheless.

Ok, u r worth more than that. Don't be happy that she's sweet. U may get a toothache later.

Work on your boundaries, ok?

L.

hey bro...i have been reading a book on "leadership" by vince lombardi, a section on dealing with adversity hit home with me, i realize we are in two different stages, but i found it to be pretty powerful and thought i would share it with you....maybe it'll have some affect on you or put things in some sort of perspective...(its kinda long, but i have some down time at work, here goes)

""Dealing with hardship may seem like an "odd technique" for self discovery: We rarely go out in search for hardship, pain, trauma or heartbreak. However, they often come in search of us, and when they do,they can provide invaluable learning experiences. In the presence of boundless, UNBEARABLE PAIN-the loss of a loved one, ones health, or family-we experience a sense of powerlessness and recognize that there are things we simply cant control, that we become open to profound learning. In the face of great pain, when perhaps for the first time in our lives we are forced to admit we dont have all the "answers", we can begin to ask the right "questions". PAIN (of any type) is a powerful centering force. It pushes us where GOOD TIMES ALMOST NEVER LEAD. As we suffer, we grow wiser.""

""Adversity is the first path to truth. Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity is greater""

""To become a deeper man, is the privilege of those who have suffered""

and one last quote....

""When we place our dependence in God, we are unemcumbered, and we have no worry. In fact, we may even be reckless, insofar as our part in life is concerned. This confidence, this sureness of action, is both contagious and an aid to perfect action. The rest is in the hands of God-and this same God, who has won all His battles up to now""
(Vince Lombardi)

i take alot away from this type of inspiration....thought i would pass it along...

hang tough...it does get easier!

kevin

thanks for the input...you confirmed my feelings that although it is a livable situation...it is not neccesarily an improvement. No i am not willing to wait until august to sit back and watch this "relationship" develop into more.

She is a cake eater from way back...and i am not willing to allow her to do this to me...i guess i am looking for some sort of guage to see if there is any improvement or not???

last night she wanted me to rub her neck for a moment....i thought that was progress to a small degree...because she has not wanted me to touch her at all in the past 3 weeks.

But I am getting to the point where all of my ducks are in a row...and if i am going to start over and be alone i am good with that...i deserve more than this and am very close to my breaking point...i just don't want my good nature to be taken advantage of...

hey shattered dreams....i have not yet asked her about the walls yet...i wanted to give her a weekend where i wasn't pushing and asking questions....a weekend where we could just have fun and we did. I want to wine and dine and romance her too...but i think it may be too soon?

but i am preparing to talk to her about this over the weekend - when we are not rushed with work and life, etc...if it goes well then i am prepared to stay the plan a course. if however it does not then i am also prepared to move on into something that is more protective of my spirit.

lots of apples in that barrel...and i think i have been holding tight to one that may be a little hollow and cruel inside. I am tired of crumbs.

hey sturg...thanks for the lombardi quotes...it is good stuff and great material to learn from.