Please offer advice if you can.

Relationship problems began when we got a home computer. My husband set up an email account and I just assumed we would use the same if, I needed to. I work on a computer all day so I didn't really feel the need to have another email address.
Recently, he told me he would set me up an account but he didn't want me using his as it was his personal mail. He was very adament about it and said in know way was he going to share an account.

Wow, warning bells went off and the next time he left the house I got on the computer lots and lots of porn! Well, that was only a small problem as on line or via video as long as it helps us at home I didn't see a problem.
But it doesn't help at home as he never wants sex no matter what I do.

Then last week I got on line again and going through his mail found a web site to chicks looking to hook up in your area. Several were highlighted from our home area and then I stubbled on to an email written to one of these girls. The email was from my husband and explicitley said, how he would like ot meet and what he could offer this woman.

SHOCK set in we have two small childen and I am more than willing this woman was a total SL__ _ looking thing.

I confronted him about the porn and the email he said, he never sent the email and would get rid of the porn sites. One of children actually stubbled onto the site and came to get me luckily hes only 5 and didn't understand.

We are in therapy he said he was sorry and thats that in his mind but trust everytime he goes out with the boys I wonder.

So here's my question...Email when a couple is married should one spouse have a private email address that the other isn't allowed to access?

IF not, any advice on how to get this accoss to my spouse?

My first thought is to write my own email to a similar site and make sure he sees it. BUt I don't want to go the way of tick for tack.

Please help.

Trust or not to trust....Private or not private

Well, my DH and I do have separate email accounts. I guess we had them before we got married, so we just kept what we had.

In your case, I probably would not trust DH since he has been soliciting dates online. I might ask that we share, although he could always open up a free account on hotmail or yahoo. If he wants to really work on the marriage and change his behavior, I think he should not refuse.

Anyway, I am glad you guys are in therapy. Hopefully that will help. Good luck.

Ouch! You are in a tough position, 'smiling.

I think that having separate e-mails is OK. Not only do my wife and I have separate e-mail accounts, but both of us have work e-mail accounts. I also have some old accounts from which I get any e-mail forwarded to my more common accounts. And of course I have a whole bunch of other messaging accounts like here on MB. I suspect that my W has similar accounts.

But the problem is not if you have separate accounts. The problem is that he is doing something that is toxic to your relationship. He is using porn as a substitute for sex with you (though I am in a minority on this site in thinking that porn is OK, but I do think that its use is generally wrong if used as a substitute for a sexual relationship with spouse). He is exposing your kids to porn. He is using e-mail to potentially hook up with other women.

I just find it shocking how calm you appear to be, when you found out that he wrote a letter to a local lose woman. In my book this is totally inappropriate. To the MB community this is much much worse (Harley's opinion that having even a platonic friendly relationship is a no-no; your H's letter is way beyond that).

Asking whether he has a separate e-mail account from you or not is not the appropriate question. You are just asking about the symptoms of the problem and not about the problem itself. The appropriate should really be something like: how can I trust my husband?

Good luck, 'smiling...

E mail is not the true issue in this instance.

It's a neutral subject..like a dresser drawer..maybe we both put our stuff in it..maybe we each have our own.

The question manifests..when strange RULES and ANXIETIES and SECRECY surround the drawer that are out of sync with honest and open behavior.

In your situation..you have your answer already.

He didn't want you to access his account..because he was using it as a drawer for his affair endeavors.

No different than if you looked in his sock drawer and found a bunch of racy letters and womens phone numbers.

The real issues are affair related, not a question of personal space.