I hope that I am posting this in the right forum. I am hoping that since many of you have been through EA's and PA's that you might be able to answer a few questions as to what some of the signs are.

My situation is that I do not believe that my H has had an A recently but my gut instinct tells me that he has over the course of the past 19 years. I know that some would say why gredge up the past but it is a feeling that has been eating me alive for a long time. I would rather know and be able to move on than always having the feeling of a little black cloud following us. I asked him about this many, many years ago and he got very angry and defensive and told me that he was not raised that way. Well, how many of us were?? We recently have had struggles with a porn issue and have been trying to work on our M. At least I have. I don't feel that he is putting much effort into it. He is very distant emotionally and is having a really hard time meeting my EN's which are affection, communication and honesty.

When the subject of infidelity comes up he seems to become very nervous and wants to change the subject. We recently found out that a couple we are friends with is going through this. He had an affair 10 years ago and she just found out. My H's response was it was 10 years ago she needs to get over it. I responded that it does not lessen the pain if it was yesterday or 20 years ago and asked if he was saying that if he found out that I had had an affair (which I did not) 10 years ago if he would just let it go and not be upset or angry. He said no that is not what I am saying at all and then dropped the subject.

I guess my question is what are the warning signs or red flags and is there a way to approach this where he is more likly to be honest with me?

Thanks, Sooner

Why don't you ask your H if he would agree to a lie detector test. There are a number of centers in the US that will run those tests for a few hundred bucks. Just asking him the question and seeing his reaction may already answer your question for free...

Have you also looked into MC to resolve the current issues (unmet ENs, etc.)? If he has strayed before that may also come out in MC.

Sooner, there is a thread here on MB you can look at to consider some of the indicators a spouse is having an affair. The thread is found at:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1006145


That list is not all-inclusive by any means but it'll give you a good starting point. If you want more, check out Cheaters 180 Telltale Signs Mates Are Cheating And How To Catch Them by Raymond B. Green. It's written by a former private investigator who used to catch wayward spouses for a living. I don't think that book is available here at the MB bookstore but you might find it at half.com or Ebay.

If you look at the threads on the forum "General Questions II" here on MB, you'll see most active affairs are busted when the betrayed spouse finds emails that are being passed between the adulterers, cell phone billings, noticing your spouse spends an inordinate amount of time talking on the phone in a secretive manner, unexplained absences, unexplained late nights at work, etc., etc.

If you want to conduct an intelligence gathering operation to find out if your spouse is having an affair, here’s a thread on MB that will give you a start on that.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

Sooner, I hope you will find you are not dealing with an active or past infidelity. If you are, though, there are lots of folks here on MB who come here for the sole purpose of helping others deal with it.

Asterix: Thanks for responding. My H will not agree to any kind of MC or IC. I wish he would but that is not an option. I think he would be very upset and see it as disrespectful if I asked him to take a LDT since. Since I do not have any proof I don't think that would work. Interesting concept I never would have thought of though. May suggest it to my friend to help as a way to keep her WH honest.

Longhorn: Thanks so much for the thread info. As I said I do not think that it has been recent but I can think back and see a lot of these signs some years ago along with other things. I just want to start over and move on but I find that hard to do with this nagging feeling that is always there. The porn issue really brought up the whole trust issue to the surface and all of these feelings and suspisions that I have had all of these years.

Thanks again for the support! BTW, Longhorn..... Soonergirl....is OU Sooner!! LOL Nice to meet ya!

That's okay Soonergirl, we don't discriminate against the football-challenged here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Not addressing your question directly, but...
My W had her A 7 years before telling me. There is no way to "just get over it" because it was so long ago. For me, the pain is worse because I was lied to all those years. The lies hurt much more than the A itself. I do understand that "eating me alive" feeling you describe.

Todd

Thanks for sharing Todd. I am sorry that you too know that feeling. It is so horrible to live with. I have been told so many times that if it is in the past I should just leave it alone. Maybe if other things were better or even showing improvement I might be able to do that but I really feel that this maybe one of the wedges bewteen us.

I was really shocked to read that you are 50% more likly to encounter an A in your M than D. That is pretty amazing considering the D rate. And when I look back over the yrs and to current people around us, I believe that is probably true.

His whole demenor during this conversation about our friends really made me uncomfortable. His body language, the look on his face, tone..the whole nine yards. We also have another set of friends who are going through a D b/c of an A. We were w/ the other couple that is also going through this a couple of months ago when a conversation started about the 1st couple. The other H was not around when it started. My H sure seemed nervous and could not sit still especially after I made the comment that (the ding couple)if he were going to have a 2 yr A he should have been man enough to tell his W that he wanted out of the M or kept it in his pants. Then the other H came out and it was repeated he too had the same reaction only a little more severe. Guess we know now for sure why the other H was that way.

My H was not around when I was pregnant w/ D12 and this continued up until about 8 yrs ago. He was always hanging out w/single friends. This is when I feel that it probably happened. I asked around this time and that is when I got the "I was not raised this way comment". Even though I think it has been a long time ago I am just not sure that we can completly move on.

Thanks again, Sooner

Hi again Sooner,
You may also want to post this in General Questions II (four doors down). It's the most active place on the board, and there are some AWSOME people who only (or primarily) hang out there. In fact, the guy I mentioned in your other thread posts there. He goes by Nottoday.
--SC

Aside to LongHorn -- Hey, I don't think we've been formally introduced, but I remember a "conversation" awhile back between you and JL and some others about "tone, telling it like it is, and being blunt." I just wanted to tell you that I admired the way you kept after Sfjaj when she was having her meltdown. You were straightforward, but respectful, IMO. Is this a new approach for you? JL is still king as far as I'm concerned. But I did want to pass along my compliments.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming....

By the way Sooner, I'm not stalking you, lol!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I came here to check out spydee's post and happened to see you here.

Do I need to call the MB ploice and get a restraining order against you??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
That's okay......Dr. SC!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Your comments are welcome anywhere that I am!! And thanks for the advice...again!!