hi, I am new to marriage builders and have read how to survive and affair, parts of his needs, her needs, and have been working through the workbook with H before he was in the non responsive state. H says that I have always treated him without respect and thus he had and affair. He has always wanted to go drinking at the bar with the guys and I have always wanted to go dancing with the girls. We both didn't agree with each other thinking that each was on the road to a meat market. So I got over it and moved on- he ffestered and felt that I have taken his life away!! He said I am controling- if you think though I have been living in the rule of if we are not both happy abondon and regroup. He instead festers and is upset, because he asks for nothing. I am very verbal about what I want but he is not. Now he refuses to work on the marriage, is still living with me and the two kids, but refuses to meet any of my needs, but says that I can try to meet his. Whe I offer recreation he denies and always has, when I say admirration he doesn't want to hear it??!! The OW was fufilling some need of his but after 3 months I have yet to determine which needs they are, why h had an affair. He has said many things, but they are all different which do I believe where do I start AND

If I am doing everythingI can to not LB and meet his emotional needs, to no avail how do I take care of me? I am up all night , not eating, and emotional drained- crying contantly. i THINK THAT EVEN SOME PERSON WHO YOU DON'T KNOW ON THE STREET WOULD BE ABLE TO BE MORE SYMPATHETIC TO THE PAIN THAN HE IS. i HURT CONSTANTLY AND HAVE NO WAY TO GET RID OF IT. PLEASE STOP THE PAIN!!!!- H is not sorry for what he did, is drinking after a year of sober, and refuses to talk about the situation.

I am still not sure if he is contacting her or not. I have caught him in a few lies, he leaves for work extra early, and come home late. I am wondering if this has been going on longer than i thought. Am I in plan A- if so I hate it!

Should I continue plan A or give up??? Do I talk with his about it? that alone seems to be a love buster.????

do a stellar Plan A for a few weeks only (short due to his alcoholism)

maybe 2 weeks

then Plan B

but while in Plan A
expose the affair

Are you saying that your hubby is an alcoholic who had a year of sobriety but is now back to active addiction? If so, then MB principles ESPECIALLY PLAN 'A' will not work.


Do you talk with his ? what about it?

I would n't say that H is an alcoholic, but used to drink about 2 a day until last march whne he found out that his heart was falling apart. He then lost 45 pounds and went back to the Dr. in november who told him he was 100% Recently I feel as a new addition, he has gone back to drinking- his behavior is the same, but he says he feels better. Seems to not care of his health.


I have stopped talking about feelings, the books, and ways to fix my marriage as he says he is done working on it i had my chance the last ten years and didn't care about him.

I think not!!!!! I know not!!!!

I don't know the real reason for the affair. My latest Idea is that he was with her to have a relationship without stress. That he could have fun and not worry about anything else!

We have had a dog die, our son almost die, two best friends die, a house move, a whole house mold causing us to be homeless for three months, a second home completely destroyesd by renters, a H heart problem, a H diagnosis that my husband would need knee surgery causing himto lose career job, a new baby, and lots of other sress in the past 2 years. H e said it was fun having her be happy- go - lucky like I used to be. meaning me without the stress of everything I deal with- all my ( our)responsibility. I do it all kids, bills, house, run a new business, and still make time for us!

I will continue plan A- when does that end??? how do I know???

I will be honest and tell him about who i have told- he wants to use it a punishment- i won't do that because I feel uncomfotable around them!

why is it that he can have no pain not about what he did, but that he caused pain to another in a selfish way? I know the answer I just need to vent.

THANKS FOR YOUR REPLIES!!!!!!! [color:"red"] [/color]

Very angry right now I am writing this because I cannot sleep- one person cannot live their live feeeling unloved for too long. Okay I get it! and have got the idea why someone would feel vulnerable enough to have an affair. They really feel that the other person doesn’t care for them!!! I want to feel better too, but every part of my body is telling me that it is wrong to feel better at another’s expense. At the expense of my children not being happy when they are left with the babysitter as we have based our children’s life around the fact that they are always with us. We occasionally go out , but no enough. Now faced with the dilemma to fix my marriage, I am in a bind to be able to leave my kids even with their father to make me feel like a person. I am giving all I have right now, and I have no more. I just yelled at my daughter and am feling really bad. She is only 3, but refuses to let me put her down to sleep alone. When I placed her in bed, I guess too early (after rocking her 1 ½ hours) she awoke and immediately began her yelling- hold me, I want covers, I need a drink, I need you to pick me up, I don’t want to go to bed. All day with my children, tending to their every whim, all night with a cheating husband making him feel good about us, and NO time for making me an enjoyable person. I need time to make me feel better since my husband has vacated his position as protector. Before I could atleast comfort in his arms- now I feel I have to ask to be held and only if he is willing. UGGGH! I really sound selfish don’t I??? Maybe I am to selfish of a person to know how to love someone else.

Has anyone else felt this way???



I don't know if I can handle plan A he has used so many LB that I am in the negative- holding on for my kids. today he came home with a botlte of wine and chocolate supposedly for me, but never gave it to me. Also said was surprised I was crying all day because he thought things were good- of course he does I have given him everything he wants.

How do i know if he is still with OM? is it fair to keep bringin it up? I found her number still on his phone last week but under a different name- the phone bill has no sign of calls from her,, and he said it was because he wanted to not answer if she called. What do i do???

He also told me he was staying late at work, whnen i went by, he was leaving early.


I am going to try to talk now- never a good time- he is tired, but this will be night three of no sleep! I tmakes me grumpy and weepy all day!!!

Try to slow down here. This stuff is not easy. It sounds to me like you are really hurting. The number one thing is you need to take care of yourself.

If things are not right or different in the home, a 3 year old child is aware enough to understand that. She may not understand what is going on but she knows it is not right and needs to feel safe and secure.

I also suggest you get a babysitter you can trust and use the same person every time. You probably need time for yourself as much as for you and husband together.

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Sorry - posted as wrong person again - this was traicionado