Short version:
Childhood sweethearts since 14, married 40 yrs this year..
D-day on 12/18/04 , got the ILYNINLY speech, that he'd felt that way & that he'd was tired of "faking" as he'd been doing since before his heart attack & dying twice in 1 day in April2003,; that was him, not me.; swore that was no one else..
WH left , for "little while", on 1/19/05 lives with his mother,
WH ask that we not discuss what he called "our few little problems" with anyone & I agreed, basically honored this with exception of childhood friends felt I needed for support ; his siblings since he lives with his mother. Have no idea if or who he might have told or what
Has & Still refuses to give any reason(s) or explain what he calls "our few little problems" still gets aggravated, irritated, defensive, withdraws, if mention anything about R or OW

I didn't find MB & this site until January 2006, so no of exposure, Plan A, etc.
( I did find MidLife Crisis / fortysixty sites, in March, 2005 along with Dobson book "Love is Tough",, however) Since found MB been doing as much of Plan A stuff as possible., which working on myself & my issues. However, really tired of having to act like all is "normal" between us, to me seems like condoning /enabling WH actions. Also WH is very good at twisting/turning things to his point of view, like a lawyer, so like truth as I know it/my side to be known.

WH & I are In process of restoring house to condition was in when purchased it 25+ yrs ago.
getting new ac/heat, ductwork, etc., dejunking/decluttering garage, attic & house (I'm a pack rat)

My questions:

• after being separated for over year now & with no concrete/solid proof, would it still be beneficial to expose officially to friends/family, & to sq dance social groups? Will have opportunity next month to
  publicly expose at big city wide dance ( if I am strong enough to get up & make announcement)

• sending WH letter owning my part and suggesting 90 Day Trial like in "Torn Asunder"?

Any & all thought, suggestions, comments, advise will be appreciated!

If no one has any help, advise, comments or guidance??
How about your opinion after reading my situation..??

Thanks!

If your "few little problems" includes another woman, then you need to expose. Plan A is very helpful, but does not include keeping the affair a secret.

What is the current status of the affair?

Believer - WH & OW have been/are dance partners & have been for about 3 yrs now. "few little problems" is what WH calls our situation..has denied there is anyone else, that he & OW are "just friends/dance partners", that she has alot of problems & he doesn't need anymore.
WAT .. know they go to dances together-local & out of town.. at times she meets him at central location & others times he picks her up...but beyond that no real proof.

he's been living with his mom for a year and half....

Do not act like things are normal...

if he is living with his mom..it's NOT normal...

quit talking about any relationship issues with him...

quit seeing him so much
quit using him to fix the house...begin to farm out work with friends and family and leave him out in the cold..

oh sorry dear...I didn't realize you were interested in doing that work..figured I would just take care of it...

is the OW married...

also it is my opinion that BS should pick dates in thier head when enough is enough...and not tell the WS...
and then cut the cord.....

how often do you talk
how often do you see eachother
any intimacy
and time spent together fun or is it all gloom and doom..

ARK

What does your gut tell you?

Is he having a continuing inappropriate relationship with this woman?

Is she married?

Have you approached her with your fears?

Almost regardless of how you answer these questions, I suggest you confide in your adult children and any close friends in the square dance social circle about your concerns. Disregard your prior agreement with your H about not discussing this with anyone because he is not living up to his agreement before that to be faithful to you.

JMHO

WAT

Hate when work interferes with life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


ARK
is the OW married.
last I knew.she was separated, her H was living w/ his OW, but not divorced

also it is my opinion that BS should pick dates in thier head when enough is enough...and not tell the WS... and then cut the cord.....

how often do you talk

• WH calls or emails me almost daily ( I have noticed pattern - seems he avoids contact when he is going to be w/ OW...at least when I "think" he is ) Especially on weekends..calls sometimes but not that often

how often do you see each other

• recently, with house at least once week; before that about same..
  comes to house to see son & granddaughter on nights dance in this area town (OW also lives this area so most likely
  ask me to ride to out of state family reunion with he & his mother over the Easter weekend.

any intimacy

• gives me kiss / hug but that's it since before D-day ( not able to access his Rx's anymore, but last time I knew had his Viagra refilled was 7/29 last year !--but bet that's why he set up separate online account !) Also set up my cell phone account in such way that it still same plan but so I could access it but not allow me access to his account..said that was priviate !!!)

and time spent together fun or is it all gloom and doom..

• has taken me to couple of my work related functions,
  unfortunately, most gloom & doom - most time I call him is due to something being wrong.. car, house, kids, etc. but have been trying to work on that really hard since found MB in January. ..

WAT
What does your gut tell you?

• That something is in the wind.....
  In January, our son's GF/MOHC (mother of his child) of 4 years(all 3 lived at house)
  sent WH & I email that she was undecided as to whether she wanted to stay in relationship with son - WH sent reply to email that stated ..

• "I am very sorry it has come to this. I thought you two were so great together a beautiful little family that has come so far. Maybe coming from me it doesn't mean much but D and I had several wonderful years together and many trials and tribulatiuons to deal with. I guess we really loved each other that we could always work things out. The harder things became the closer we got. I didn't care if we lost everything we had ever worked for as long as we were together. What we had was special (still is) but I dont need to bore you with our issues at a time when it's about you and A. I thought there was a lot more between you two.
  I know A loves you and your baby very much. Sometimes he has a ****** of a way of showing it but family is at the top of his list of priorities. Since the baby has arrived he has made the most dramatic change of his whole life. God knows he has a ways to go to be completely grown up but he is getting there.
  I know the crowded conditions at home is hard to live with not just for you but also Myself and D thru out the years. We lived with it to give you and A place to get on your feet until you could get a place of your own and we didn't ask for much of anything. D and I have never had a house to ourselves in our entire life together. I never had any regrets and I would do it all over again if I had too.
  Good luck to you and I hope you find what it is you are looking for.
  There is no sin that is unforgivable in God's eyes ..understand that going forward"

• After sending this WH discovered from son that she was leaving house right getting home from work, coming in really late or at times the next day, came to house & told her that she needed to make up her mind to stay or go...wasn't being fair or respectful to son or me ...she left later that day.
  Few weeks later is when WH discussed with me refinancing house in order to lower house note, pay off our bills, get new ac/heat unit to lower electric bill, and that he wanted to restore house to way was when we purchased it so we could be proud of it. I ask him if this all in preparing for divorce - he swore on his father's grave it wasn't ..I pointed out that he'd also sworn on his father's grave that they wasn't anyone else & both knew better - just got silence.

• Then for past month or so WH has been very nice, pleasant to me, buying me watermelon, calling me almost daily & some days several times..at times just to talk.
  During some of these talks he's admitted:
  he is conflict avoider
  a pessimistic at heart - & thinks I am one, which upsets & made him angry with me
  that his wanting to de-junk / de-clutter & restore house is so I (we) can be proud of it when people come over & is not just he so can get his stuff out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Is he having a continuing inappropriate relationship with this woman?

• Yes, I believe so.
  Few weeks ago, when Son came home from mall he told me he'd seen OW's daughter at restaurant , that she'd come up to him & ask if his name was AB, when he said yes, why. She told him her name & whose daughter she was - that his dad & her mother were "friends"
  Then about week ago, was at restaurant in mall, & this time she came up to him again, made small talk & introduced him to her co-workers ( she's the restaurant manager) as her new "step-brother" & that his dinner was on her. He said didn't like it but went along with it, that he didn't & wasn’t right to blame her for her mother actions

• For past few weeks have felt very strong "urging" that I needed to officially & publicly expose WH & OW's continuing & extremely inappropriate relationship, to family & friends as well as square dance community. ( Have met OWM, been to her house in another town, but unable to remember her name) OW is speech teacher at elementary school )

• Exposing to square dance community, would really upset & anger him as he wants to be thought of as "good guy" as well as protect OW reputation...can't have her thought of as "housewrecker" or worse.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
  At this point, really would like truth / situation from my point of view known as well, since have no idea what WH has said/told as excuse, justification for my not dancing last year. By this time sure most have figured out "something" inappropriate is going on between them & have chosen to overlook it even though most belong & attend church regularly, maybe help if officially told !!??

• (for my contribution to allowing them becoming "dance partners" see my original post on thread...
  "Separated Yr-Have Questions, Need Help/Advice PLEASE!)
  http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...3&fpart=all

• I do know that she meets him at his mother's house on Sunday to go to dance & leaves
  her car. Don't know what /how he's explained, excused, justified his being at his mothers for this long. If as he said shortly after he moved out, that he told her we had a "few little problems" & at this most i IMHO most moral, decent females that is suppose to be friends with the couple, if knew were having problems. should have refused to accompany WH!

Is she married?

• last I knew.she was separated, her H was living w/ his OW, but not divorced

Have you approached her with your fears?

• No. Thought about it before finding MB, but since really don't have any proof, didn't want to look like a complete stupid fool, tried to behave like a "lady". After MB, got idea from reading most of post that contacting/confronting the OW was not advised or recommended.

Almost regardless of how you answer these questions, I suggest you confide in your adult children and any close friends in the square dance social circle about your concerns. Disregard your prior agreement with your H about not discussing this with anyone because he is not living up to his agreement before that to be faithful to you

• Our children were not part of my agreement w/ my H..they were first ones told.
  I figure being separated for over year now & WH just getting upset, angry, defensive instead of wanting to discuss "our few little problems" pretty well veto's agreement w/ him about not discussing our situation with anyone!

• Good / bad idea -to send email to family exposing before go this weekend..?

Thanks for help!

txgal..

pretend there is no otherwoman for a moment..

you still have a husband living out of the house with no intimacy and no plans to change anything...

the question is how did this become acceptable to YOU for over a year...

what has been said about changing it on your end and on his end....

ARK

what would happen if you went a whole week with no contact...

what does he say about you two ever living together again..

are you afraid to ask questions...are you afraid of his answers...

ARK

ARK

Tough questions & from a pov that hadn't entered my mind.
Will give 'em some thought before answer/reply.

Greatly appreicate your help!

Sorry took so long, but took few days off from work.

txgal..
pretend there is no otherwoman for a moment..
you still have a husband living out of the house with no intimacy and no plans to change anything...
the question is how did this become acceptable to YOU for over a year...

• Became acceptable to me for number of reasons, based on what I knew at time..
  - was honoring marriage vows - "for better or worse, in sickness & health"since MLC was like a disease
  - felt needed to set example for my kids, even though are adults, to do all could to work things out
  - was H choice/decision, & is not going to be me that ends marriage, if comes to that, need to know I did everything possible to save it
  - needed H financial help to prevent losing all worked for over past 40 yrs
  - extremely frightened
  - in denial & chose to believe H to certain point
  - knew not good idea to make major decision when so emotional, upset, etc.

what has been said about changing it on your end and on his end....
what does he say about you two ever living together again..
are you afraid to ask questions...are you afraid of his answers..

• Not afraid to ask - as have tried numerous times to get him to discuss problems, etc, but refuses to answer, get angry, upset, quiet, withdraws
  Not ask him about us ever living together again
  If honest, yes, deep down I am afraid of his answers

what would happen if you went a whole week with no contact...

• In past (before MB's) I was only contacting if was problem with kids, car, house, etc. Since finding MB's have been trying to contact when nothing wrong, so that he wouldn't just associate me with problems, negative things.

Truly appreciate & look forward to your comments, advise & guidance..!

^

In my opinion, the best way to end an A is through exposure. Absent that, an A is almost certain to end on it's own--but it may take a few years to run it's course. The light of day will end it--I've seen too many examples of that here to doubt that.

But it's tough to say at this point whether there is truly an A. I would bet there is, but it would be nice to have something concrete before you went public. The OW's family might be a good place for you to start. You mentioned that the OW had a daughter that had communicated a bit with your son. I would follow up on that very interesting conversation. Why did she say your son was her "step-brother"--would your son be able to call her and dig a little?

Once you have some proof--let the cat out of the bag!

-C.