Hi, I have no one else to talk to. My marriage is falling apart. Me and my husband have been together for 13 years, and have been married for 8. Together since we were 17. We were each others first loves. Our marriage has always been a little rocky, but we always pulled through.
About a year ago, my husband started seeing the secretary at his job. It started out by him taking her to the movies with our daughter. He told my daughter age 6 not to tell mommy, but she told me the next day. I was so shocked and angry I told him I needed him to leave for the night and give me some time to cool down. That night I went in to talk to him, but he wasn't there, so I found him at her house. I confronted him, he said that he loved me and that he was making a mistake. We had a long talk, and I realized that I have caused him alot of hurt in the past by pushing him away, when he was trying to be effectionate. About two months later, he called one morning before he got into work, and told me that he got an apartment and was moving out. I was heart broken. I begged and pleaded for him not to leave. It was ripping me apart and the girls. He said that it was his full intention to work our marriage out. We still spent time together and I believed he still loved me. I caught him at her house again during this time. He saids the he did not have an affair, because he didn't sleep with her, that she was just someone he could talk to, and they did kiss. I view it as an affair. After about a month, he said that he wanted to moved back in and that he loved me. We talked about our problems and what we need to fix. Things were going good for a while. I have been working on my end trying to fix things about me that he was having issues with. He works alot and is gone most day from dawn to dusk. It has put a major strain on our marriage. I try to talk to him about it but he don't see it. He has lied to me a couple of times about where he has been. I in turn accuse him of still seeing her. I tend to do this alot, and I know I need to stop. He assures me that he is not seeing her. He hasn't told me in months that he loves me. It hurts so bad. He has told me that he don't feel for me like he used to. I got angry with him over the weekend, and told him in anger that I wanted him to move out. That if he didn't feel for me how a husband is suppose to feel for his wife, that he should just go. I told him that I love him, and that I was sorry for always accusing him of seeing the other woman. That he has broken my trust, and I need time to heal. He saids the more I act like that, the more i push him away. I just need him to reassure me that he loves me and work on building that trust back. He doesn't understand. He hasn't told me he loved me in months. Thats all I want is for him to show me he loves me. But he in not willing to.
He told me that he has decided to move out again. But he doesn't want a divorce. I don't want him to go, it is breaking my heart. I love him so much, I can't bare this again. I feel like I'm dying inside. He and the kids are all I have in the world. I have no family to talk to. His family is my family. I feel like it is all being riped from me. I don't know how to make it on my own. I don't want to be alone. He said he cares about me and will always take care of me. I don't want that. I want him to love me. I feel like I am the one who broke his trust. How can I get him to realize that I love him so much. How can I get his love back. What should I do? Please help me

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here, but it is the best place to be given the circumstances.
He is having an emotional affair (EA) at a minimum, and more than likely a physical affair (PA) too.

Have you read the basic concepts of this site? Do you know what Plan A is? Continue to post here, ask questions, read, read, read. You need to become an expert on marriage. You can get through this. You will get plenty of support and advice here.

Encourage H not to move out. You can't fix a marriage if you are separated.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

Your starting place will be Plan A, which is showing your husband what a good wife you can be. It includes no disrespectful judgements, no angry outbursts, and working on changing the things that you did that annoyed him.

You only need to do this for a couple of months, and then there is another plan.

Plan A also includes shedding some light on his affair - which is what it is. That means speaking to family or friends that would have influence on him. They need to know what is going on.

In order for your husband to recover his feelings for you, he needs to have no contact with the other woman for any reason. Are they still working together?

Mandy, have you exposed the affair? Does she still work with your H? What sized company do they work for? Who is this OW?

Mandy, glad you found your way over here. Click on the link in my sig line and read up on the basic concepts.

Thank you everyone

I spoke with him again today. He called after work. He still seems sure that he wants to move out. He said he didn't want to move out until I got angry with him this weekend. And that made up his mind.

MelodyLane, Yes he still works with this woman. It is a state prison complex. She is the secretary in his department. The only woman. She is a known ******. Husband has even said it. She has broken other marriages. She heavily flirts with other married men there. She is older than my husband my 12 years.

He saids that he is not seeing her. I think I do believe him. I did expose it to his family. They supported me. I'v threatened to tell all that he works with. But haven't done so. I did go into a bar one night were he met his boss and another male co-worker there. Of course she was there too. We had words, I'm not sure If his co-workers suspected anything or not. He said they didn't.

He said he wants to move out because of my anger. I try so hard to be what he wants me to be. I get no response from him. I become impatient. He tells me I'm being to nice, not doing enough of this and that, doing to much of this and that. Sometimes I don't know how to be anymore to please him.

If he moves out it will be unbearable. I fear I won't be able to stop him. I tell him I love. I show him. He said I don't. I think he don't choose to see. Sometimes he tells me he thinks he might love, then he turns around and saids he don't have those kinds of feeling for anymore. I want to be strong but I feel so weak. I resort to begging. He want to move out right after Easter. What can I do?

Mandy - Get a hold of yourself and calm down. In the end, there is nothing you can do to FORCE him to do anything. But you have the plans here and Plan A is where you need to start.

Please contact his work, and let them know that you love your husband and want to save your marriage. Ask if there is anything they can do when two workers are having an affair.

I know you feel like this. We all did to some extent and for longer periods--but I want to tell you that you WILL BE OKAY. One of the great things about this MBplan you're reading up on is it gets you to a place where you feel safe and where you know you'll be okay with or without your spouse. I just wanted to share this with you so hopefully you can find some peace right now. I know the pain and the confusion and the yucky feelings you have. It does get better.

I would suggest to stop the begging. In fact, i emphatically suggest it. It does no good and serves only to push your WH away. read up on plan A. That's a good place to start.

Mandy, the likelihood that this affair is over is about nil, especially since he is STILL SEEING HER EVERY DAY. I don't believe he would leave if it were over. Further, it can NEVER be over as long as they continue to see each other in any capacity. That would be about like expecting an alcholic to sober up while he has drinks at work. It just aint gonna happen. Nor will this affair be over until ALL CONTACT ENDS.

Exposure is simply your most effective weapon to ruin this affair and save your marriage. Exposure is ruinous to affairs and that is the greatest weapon you have in your arensal. Affairs thrive under the veil of secrecy and when you remove the secrecy you destroy the affair.

And contact probably won't end until you expose the affair at work. If you exposed the affair at work, they would likely be in a position to let one of them go, which would be ruinous to the affair. Even if they didn't, the exposure would make the affair so uncofortable that it would die off. THAT is your only chance to save your marriage. As long as the affair is ongoing, there is NO CHANCE, though.

You are doing the OW no favors by keeping her secret for her. This is why she feels so free to go after other women's husbands. She stays in business via your silence.

I would also add his parents, your parents, siblings to the exposure list to maximize the impact. Let us help you in what to tell them when you do this.

It is equally important that you stop fighting with him and stop lovebusting. Everytime you get angry at him, you make the OW look good and you don't want to do that.

You might want to also expose the affair to her family members, such as her parents and any siblings you can find. I am assuming she is single?

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I got a call yesterday from a stranger. She said that she and few other people said that I should know that my husband is having an affair with this women at work. That his vehicle has been seen at her house, and that when he went to the city overnight for training, she went with him. I knew that she took that week off of work, and was suspicious about it. She said that she is sorry that she had to tell me this.

I confronted my husband about this. He was in shock and denies everything. I don't know what to believe anymore.
I know that his truck has been spotted there in the past, when all this first started. I even caught him there in the past myself. He said that that was what the person who called me was probably referring too. He saids nothing has happened since then. I called the OW last night and spoke to her. She is denying also. I told what this lady said to me, and she said nothing has happened. She said that he has not been to her house except for the times that I have caught him there, and that nothing happened between them, and that she didn't sleep with my husband. She said the he just came to talk to her. And that he was her friend, and was just talking as friends. I had a few choice words with her, and told her that she should not have even had him to her house, knowing that he was a married man. And asked her if she made it a habit of kissing married men. My husband did tell me that they kissed.

He seems believable, but really, how can I believe him. I want to. He has been treating me like crap for a while now. It all seems to come together. He said that he knows he has been treating my badly. That he was sorry for that. That even though he said he was going to move out, he didn't plan to anymore. He said he knows that I love him. He said that he cares for me and that he would do anything for me. That he is willing to work on our marriage now.

He still lies though. The other night he said he was stopping at the bar with his buddy and that he was only staying for a little bit and then they where going back to his house to work. I told him yesterday that I was going to call this buddy and ask him if my husband was working there. That is when my husband told me that he didn't work there, that he ended up staying at the bar for a while. He could have been with her for all I know. He said he wasn't with her. He said he told me he was working because he knew I would be upset if I knew he was out drinking that long. This is not the first time he has lied about stuff like this.

I shoud have questioned this lady who called me more. But I was to upset. He said that he don't want to lose me. He is telling me everything I want to hear. But If it hadn't have been for this phone call, I think things would go on the same as they were before.

His family even tells me that he isn't acting right and hasn't for a while. I spoke to his cousin's wife who also works at the same place. She said that even though she hasn't heard anything out at work, that I should really consider what this lady told me.

My husband also thinks that rumors have been started from what happened in the past, and that somebody just now has decided to call me about it. How can I believe him that nothing is going on now?

Mandy,

You can't believe him. If you do he will continue to decieve you and lie. Please wake up, he's lying to you and your are eating it up.

His in a full blown affair. They are emotionally involved, and most likely physically.

If you want to end this affair, my personal opinion is that you should expose to his workplace as well. Tell the superiors and show them some real proof. They probably already know, but once it's in the open, the affair begins to die. Expose to his family and yours as well.

If you choose to sit back and do nothing, like you currently are, then the affair will prosper and your husband will be gone. Act now please, you'll regret it if you don't.

Ask him to agree to a lie detector test...

ARK

How do I go about the lie detector test? Who do I call to set this up?

look on line..
private detectives..