Hi K,<P>I have some questions I would like to ask you.<P>1. How long were you on Plan B?<BR>2. Was divorce file?<BR>3. If I remember, you had contact because of the children. How did this go? I am worried that I will seem aloof during those points.<BR>4. How did you handle communication if an emergency arose?<P>Thanks you. I know that your situation has been very difficult. I appreciate all the advise you give.<P>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl

Hi Cheryl,<P>My plan B experience was pretty short, very tumulteous, and not executed all that well. But I'll be happy to share with you (and remember, do as I say, not as I did... )<P>I was in Plan B for two months.<P>Divorce was never filed.<P>I did have some contact with my wife because of the children. A lot of that wasn't particularly "good" contact (lovebusting on my part), especially right after the separation. It took us a while to settle into a routine on the child visitation issues (about 4 weeks---I guess that this is short, but it seemed like forever at the time).<P>We actually did have an emergency while I was in Plan B. My wife and daughter were grocery shopping, and my daughter was hit by a stockboy's cart, slicing open her leg (11 stitches). I had to go to the house to check on a pregnant dog, pick up my son, and then get my wife and daughter from the hospital (all which I did immediately and without question). When I got home, I went shopping for her and got them all settled in.<P>That evening, I got a call from my wife---the dog was in labor and delivering puppies ("our" first litter). I asked if I could come and help, but she said no, repeatedly. It turns out that the OM was coming to help her (he was an "experienced breeder" [yes, that's a pun]). I guessed that this might be the case after I got the third progress call from her that evening about the litter (all with the "don't come over" caveat). By this time, I knew not to lovebust---I didn't even bring up my suspicions.<P>God did intervene, however. The female that had the litter wasn't our dog (she was leased), and she had been very protective since getting pregnant. Mr. "Dog-Expert" went down to the whelping box to help, and was soundly attacked by the new mom---lots of bites, around the abdomen (shame it wasn't a bit lower... ). I think he went home with stitches!<P>When I came to take care of the kids the following week (with my wife out of the house, as per visitation arrangements), I went in to see "Cujo". She was very sweet to me and let me handle the pups. She's a dog of exqusite taste.<P>So, if there are more specific plan B questions I can answer for you, I'd be happy to. In general, the less contact the better, until you have control of your emotions. For me, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do (to leave my family). It took me a while to get on an even keel. After that, I actually had a "spiritual breakthrough" and found forgiveness for my wife and the OM---they probably didn't care (the affair was still on), but it freed me from a lot of the negative emotions and I was able to handle all the "big news" that followed.

Hi K,<P> I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time but I am sitting here laughing my head off...Cujo?!!!! I guess your sense of humor does return after all of this misery ,right?!!! Lu

Lu,<P>Glad I could cheer you up. Some of the stuff that happpened during this time really was hysterical. I'm fortunate to have not lost my sense of humor during this.

I wondering how good plan B is when there are children. I had the same problem with lovebusting as K did when w came to see the kids. My w acted like I wasn't even in the room and when she came she just walked in like she still lived there. All this killed me.

RWD:<P>While Plan B is hard on the children, it can be good to have children for a successful Plan B. The kids were busting on Mom because I was gone---they were very angry with her, even though I was the one that had left. Pretty perceptive, because we never discussed "what" the situation was about in any detail.<P>To handle our separation, I got a place in an extended stay hotel. I got the kids on weekends, and I also went over to our house at least one weeknight to help the kids with homework and "normal" stuff, so that every day with Dad wasn't like a holiday. During those weekend visits my wife was supposed to be out of the house after I came home.<P>I remember one of the first times we did it. She made a great dinner (one of my favorite) for the kids and I, fully intending to stay herself. I thanked her for making the lovely dinner, and then insisted that she leave (hmmmm, borderline lovebuster). You can do this type of separation with minimal contact, if the rules are spelled out.

Thanks K!<BR>Sound like your humor was/is in tact. Glas to hear it. I don have some more questions, but I have to run. I'll check back a little later.<P>Thanks again.<P>Cheryl

hi K,<BR>Back again. I do have a few more questions.<P>Well, first, I gave my h the plan B letter tonight and he throw the letter on the floor. This began an unsitely confrontation. Needless to say, that meeting didn't go well.<BR>So, I guess I need to start from this point on-was hoping for a better beginning.<P>1. Was your W living w/om? My h is 'in love' w OW, but she lives out of state. They see each other very seldom and communication with them is phone and e-mail. She is however planning to visit in Nov. Hopefully I will be stablized in Plan B to handle that. Do you think Plan B was the way to go here? We have to see each other several times a week because of our daughter. Plan A wasn't working for me-to many LB.<P>2. When your w did return home, how did you handle to w/d from OM? I guess this doesnt concern me this much right now, no signs of a breakup, but curious just the same.<P>3. Dr. H says affairs can last 6mth-2yrs after it sees the light of day. My h is STILL denying this relationship-at least to me and I assume his family. My question is, even tho he may assume I know he is still involved, has this relationship SEEN to light yet? What does seeing the light really mean? I mean, if he is denying it, it would appear to me that it has not seen the light. Am I right?<P>4. Lastly, our divorce is in full swing. I fear that all of the things that I am askeing for in the settlement may appear as a LB. I want what is best for my daughter and myself, but I fear my h will misconstrue it. Any suggestions?<P>I really appreciate you taking the time to help me. I am a very slow learner when it comes to the MB princibles, but I am still trying.<P>Thank you.<P>Cheryl

LOL...<BR>I almost bust a gut on the "cujo"....<P>K... <BR>thanks, I really needed that!<P>RWD...<BR>I think I'm in the same boat as you...<BR>I got the kids, and my wife visits every other weekend (this has only been going on for a month now)<BR>and K... your right in the kids being observant. My wife left and they blame not me, but mostly her lover (and to a lesser degree... her).<P>There doesn't seem to be an eminant return yet. But... it's wierd... it's like she is doing the Plan B on me! She has moved out of state and her sponge/lover moved in with her. My divorce has been filed[to get custody of kids]... but I just told her I want to slow the divorce down.<P>Cheryl...<BR>I feel your anxiety of LBs during this stage of having the divorce filed and in full swing. I don't have any answers... so thats the main reason I'm still in Plan A.<P>I needed to slow the divorce to a slow crawl because...<BR>I wish to continue with Plan A... I have the patience of a saint... no joke!<BR>But... I am interested also in Plan B issues since I will eventually be there to... with my 3 kids!<P>I'm not sure why my wife isn't pushing for the divorce...<BR>she'd get more money...<BR>separation would be more "absolute"...<BR>she could marry the bum...<BR>I don't know why???<P>Take care one and all,<P>Jim

Cheryl,<P>You've got to stay away from those confrontations (great hindsight advice). It appears that your husband still cares, but you can't let him get to you. Andy's suggestion on the other thread was perfect.<P>To answer your questions:<P>1. My wife didn't live with the OM. She had made several weekend trips during my "Plan A" time, but she had no plans to take the kids and move in with him. Plan B is definitely for you if you're lovebusting. Remember, that doesn't give you a license to lovebust---if anything, the few contacts you do have with your husband should be positive.<P>2. I left home, so when I came back, I'd say I did an excellent job handling withdrawal. The reason that I came home from Plan B wasn't textbook---my wife became pregnant by the OM, and her world was falling apart. She had gone to get an abortion, couldn't go through with it, and that afternoon she was so torn up when I talked to her about getting the kids that I "guessed" her problem. I moved back in, with the offer to support her and take care of the kids while she decided what to do (back to Plan A, no demands). I got to hear lots of "hurtful" but true statements from her---how she couldn't bear to be away from the one she loved (the OM) while having his baby; how could I possibly love this baby (this while she was in the ER suffering a panic attack), etc. Although those all sound horrible---if you let the statements wash over you and respond in a loving way, you're making unbelievable "love bank" deposits. I didn't see those right away, but it helped my wife through the withdrawal process trememdously.<P>3. Tough call. If you've told him that you know about the affair (and he denies it), it's probably putting pressure on him. It's certainly no longer a "hidden fantasy"---it's having real world consequences. So I'd say that the clock is running.<P>4. If you initiated the divorce, I'd slow it down if you can. If he initiated it, don't be too concerned about the settlement issues. Plan B is also a self-preservation mode, and you are going to have to put your needs (and those of your family) first if he pursues the divorce.<P>I hope that helps.

K,<P>I've read bits and pieces of your story from other threads and it both fasinates and puzzles me. Probably because there is something in common...a pregnancy (it only takes onc, you know). ThankGod, I had a miscarriage. Anyway, what puzzles me (and I don't know why) is that my h. pursued and forgave me. It only took me a month to wake up and realize what a major mistake I had made. Actually, I realized it sooner than that, but it took that long for me to really believe that my h. could forgive me and for me to forgive myself, I guess. Anyway, here it is 14 years later and now I'm dealing with my h. betrayal (an emotional affair).<P>He says what I did, after it all sunk in, altered his feeling for me, he thinks. His emotional affair came four years afterwards and I did not know about it fully until eight months ago. Did or do you find your feelings have changed in any way for your wife? We are in the process of working on the marriage and trying to get back our love. He says it is what he wants..to love me like that again. Ow is completely out of picture (she died four years ago). Anyway, I'm just wondering. How do you not hold anything against your wife? And, well I'm asking...did you two have that passionate, all consuming love for one another at the beginning of your relationship which led to marriage. Thanks for any info or insight you can offer.

Hi K,<P>Thank you for you advice. You are such a dear to help me. <BR>I have to go pick up our daughter again shortly. I will be thinking that all of my MB friends are standing behind me, telling me what and what not to say <P>I may need some more help later as Plan B really goes into action. So far, it hasnt' been very smooth.<P>Thanks again.<P>God Bless,<BR>cc