Hi...I've been posting over in ENs for a while and thought I would jump in here.
I discovered last year or the year before that my WH was talking to his ex-girlfriend on his cell phone while I was working for extremely long periods at a time. I confronted him, and he gave me some story (probably loosely based on fact) that he was consoling her because her SD just died. The contact continued. He went as far as getting a second cell phone, a pay as you go, so he can call her from that phone. Recently, he began deleting the calls from the phone so I couldn't catch the calls.
We started counseling (third time) a couple of months ago. After a major blowup during one of our sessions, the counselor told me that the prognosis wasn't good for us, and started doing individual sessions with us. She is pro-marriage, near as I can tell.
In the last two months or so, his behavior and demeanor has changed. He has pretty much stopped being verbally abusive, and has been looking at himself more. I am working on myself and the list of complaints he has about me.
Well, yesterday, he admitted to "an affair" and his stance is the affair is over now. I told him that I need access to all of his accounts, and that I don't trust him, and he will need to build trust with me, if I am ever going to trust him ever again. He agreed to giving me acces "if that's what I need." Then he started telling me how pathetic I am that I don't trust him. And he told me that he has been trying to get me to divorce him for years, so we should just go ahead and get divorced.
I agreed and said fine, what does that look like to you, what's your plan? We have a DD-3 that he adores. He said I can drop her to him whenever I wanted. I said, no. I want this signed off by a judge, and I want it all spelled out.
That's when he started telling me I am pathetic and yelling at me saying all sorts of horrible (typical fogspeak) things. I held my ground. I told him he made the choice to hurt me and lie to me. So he has to do the work. In the end, he hung up saying he needed to take a nap.
When I got home, he didn't say much, and I fell asleep with my DD while putting her to bed. This morning, he was all nice.
He seems to feel that I should be over his indiscretion. He said he isn't perfect and make mistakes. I said, that's true, but what are you prepared to do now, to ensure that an affair doesn't happen again. He said, he wasn't about to start answering to me. That it demeans his self-image of being a man.
So, at this point, I am ready to bolt. I have seen changes, but I don't believe him. I have proof of his deleting the calls to the OW, but that's from two to three months ago. He did not give me the password to his new cell phone account, as he agreed to, and we haven't really spoken since yesterday.
What to do?
BTW...I exposed as much as I could, but I have no info on the OWs home, so I can't contact her husband. I told my fanily, members of his family (and they have gossiped and he has gotten calls and feedback), and friends. In his world, affairs are the norm, so no major help there, as I can tell. Not even from his family. My MIL loves the OW, and I suspect, wishes they married instead of he and I, so she facilitates their contact (and possible meetings.) I don't know if this has gotten physical yet, though I suspect it has, and I don't know if there have been more, though I suspect there has over the years.
We have been married for five years, and together for aix years.
Please help.
