H moved out last week. Now decided he wants to just separate for 9 months to see if marriage is what he wants.

I'm getting impatient and it's only been a week! I'm doing plan A, taking care of myself etc., but I want more from him I guess.

I can't ask if he's seeing OW, that's LBing and he still says they are just friends anyway. Can't ask why he's changing passwords if he claims they are only friends, that's LBing. I guess I want him to come clean and I have so many questions, but can't ask.

Is this separation thing a ruse too?

Then he called me today and asked if I could pick up his dry cleaning! We are supposed to be separated!

Guess I want results now. I've never been very patient.

Did you expose the affair or do any of the things we recommended?

Yes. I have done the "carrot" to a T! The "stick" not as good, as I don't want to mention the OW as I feel that is LBing to him.

I haven't exposed to the OWH as I don't know how to reach him now.

Have exposed to family and friends.

hi I am new and am not very patient either! i am sorry that he moved out.

I was interested in fidning out what things besides exposing the affair that you reccomend.

PLK - what do you mean? Do you know his name & the city where he lives? It took me a while to expose to OWH, wish I had done it sooner.

Kim

Know her last name, but not his first, and no city. Very common last name.

Hmmmmm - So, you don't know her first name either? You do know the state though.

Yes, I know the state.

Sorry if I ask duplicate questions from any of your previous posts......Do you have access to checking your WH's cell phone records.....looking back over the past few months? Is your name on his cell phone bill - you could call & request copies of bills.

What about any info that your WH would have left behind?

How did they meet? Is she a co-worker?

No more access. He changed his password. In his name only.

No info left behind.

Ugh. Well, will keep my wheels turning. There's got to be a way to get the info.

After about a month of not knowing OW's name, WH told me. He had no idea I would expose. I asked him what her name was & he told me! I caught him off-guard I think. Otherwise, I might not have ever found out.

So, your H is pretty secretive & very protective of OW?

As much as it hurt me, I let WH talk about OW at first. I wanted to find out as much as I could about her. That might open things up for you to find out who she is.

Kim

The most important exposure will be to the OMW, ya have to get that done! And then expose it at work.

Also, its not a lovebuster to mention the OW' name.

I can't ask if he's seeing OW, that's LBing and he still says they are just friends anyway. Can't ask why he's changing passwords if he claims they are only friends, that's LBing

LBing is name calling and disrespectful things....

speaking the truth....which in all honesty makes an active WS MORE uncomfortable than the emotional stuff is the reality of their choices...

and while they don't like it...and may try to turn it against you as attacking..

it is not now nor will it ever be....

use his words....
reflected back to him....

Now decided he wants to just separate for 9 months to see if marriage is what he wants.

it is not logical dear husband to say you are using time to see if you want marriage....if you do not ACT and behave as if you want the marriage...

married people don't have friends over their spouses.
married poeple don't hide email contact from their spouses...

those are not the actions of a married man...

no power struggling it
no concern about his response..
speak your truth
speak your reality of choices...

speak it globally

I will never able to be in a marriage that includes more than one person...

ALSO know that you can plan A,..especially if up to now he has seen the needy emotional side of you...(which is understandable...)the whole point of plan A is to gather his attention towards by attracting him back..

he expects emotional pleas from you...
don't give it...

I will find a post on plan a tips....

impatience is the down fall of many a many BS..

also any children and their ages...

ARK

O.K. here's the situation...

2 weeks ago H told me "****** would have to freeze over before our marriage would ever work". Now he's talking of a 9 month trial sep. I look at that as a positive step?

Maybe I'm wrong in this, but I don't want to piss him off and jeopardize maybe any progress we potentially have. I know him well, and he would be pissed if I kept questioning. Plus it's only been a week since he's left.

Here's a convo I'd like to have with him and here's what he'd say...

Me: So why did you feel the need to change your password on the cell phone account so I can't view the bill now, if you have nothing to hide? (No bills come here, only viewable online)

H: It's my account and none of your business.

Me: This OW is my business.

H: She's just a friend whom I talk to, and we had problems in our marriage long before I started talking to her.

Me: Yes we did, but I think having this type of relationship with her is inappropriate.

H: I told you we are just friends who talk, and nothing is going on.

Me: I think in order for our M to work you need to stop talking to her. I don't feel it is right.

H: Oh well, she is my friend and you can't tell me who I can have as friends.


So now what? That's about what would transpire. I feel when I ask or talk about her, he becomes very defensive and says I'm back to the same old crap again...nagging etc. and that pushes him farther away, defeating my plan A.


What do I do?

I see him on Friday when he picks up the kids.

Do I have this convo, or give him more time? He wants this trial sep. but did not specify what exactly we will be doing with our M these 9 mos. As I said he's only been gone a week. Do I push for an answer now?

Yes, you are wrong in this, very wrong. You have NOTHING right now and will have nothing unless you DO SOMETHING. Do you want to work on saving your marriage or do you want to APPEASE HIM? Because you will lose your marriage if your goal is to appease him.

Sitting around doing nothing except trying to avoid ticking off a selfish tyrant aint' gonna get you nothing, PLK.

So do you want to save your marriage or not?

Yes, I do want to save it.

So what next? Do I have this convo with him on Friday, what exactly do I say, and how do I respond to his answers?

PLK, go back and read the advice we already posted to you on your other thread. Talking to him will get you nowhere, but pretending like you don't know about his affair is less than productive.

Get to work finding out the # of the OWH. That should be your next step and then we can help you develop a strategy to expose the affair.

Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley?

He knows I know about the A. I guess I don't mention it as I know he views that as a LB.

I just wondered if it would be useful to tell him now that he is in his own place, that in order for this trial sep. to work, he needs to stop all contact with her. But then again, I wouldn't know if he truly did or not.

Yes I have ordered it. Should be arriving any day now.

PLK, a lovebuster is:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Nowhere on there does it say its a lovebuster to acknowledge that he is in an affair.

A seperation is only a TRIAL FOR DIVORCE. It is not a TRIAL for marriage. This is what we are trying to help you do, save your marriage IN SPITE OF this seperation. He is not going to stop doing something [the affair] to which he doesnt even admit in the first place.

Ok, how are ya going to get the OWH"s phone number, etc? Why not make up a list of good exposure targets and start gathering your contact information.

Where does he live? Is the OW visiting him there?