Hi All,

Don't know if anyone will remember me, but I used to be on MB during 2002-2004, then took a break... turned out to be longer than I anticipated...

I've unfortunately been spending much of my online time on an abuse messageboard as my H had DV & alcohol issues that I found could not be helped with MB methods.

Long story short...

H assaulted me 7/4/05 and I called 911 for 1st time.
H ordered to one-year of Batterer's Counseling 9/05
H left home 10/23/05
Reconciliation Attempt #1 - 11/21/05 - 12/2/05
H out again 12/03/05
Reconciliation Attempt #2 - 12/30/05 - 1/7/06
H out again 1/8/06 and has not been back since

H refused to provide monetary support since 12/30/05.
I filed for divorce 2/23/06 - mainly for financial reasons.

Little contact with S13 from 1/8/06 until 2/28/06 (date he was served D papers) but was consistently calling me & telling me what *I* had to do/change in order for him to come home.

Had our Temp Orders Hearing 3/24/06
H ordered to have Drug/Alcohol Assesment & follow any/all treatment recommendations
H cannot have overnights until he gets own place (lives with best beer buddy)
H ordered to pay Child Support & some maintenance
Visitation on Saturdays 12-5pm only

I filed for the divorce mainly for monetary reasons.
I still have much love for my H and probably always will, no matter the outcome.

Most everyone was telling me that it would be a "wake up call" for him... that he would turn himself around... didn't happen... and now I feel "stuck" in this ever increasingly advisarial divorce process... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He was served the papers in his DV counseling session 2/28/06 - just 10 minutes prior had been saying that he "intended to come home", "wanted to stay married to Shelle" and "did not want a divorce"... (and had sent me a loving Valentine's Day card just two weeks before this, in which the card said he wanted a "wonderful future" with me...)

Just two weeks after receiving the petition, he retained an attorney and we are now moving forward...

Although MY heart is going out of this marriage kicking & screaming...

When I asked him if he had closed his heart to me, or if he is "done" with this marriage, he says "No"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

But yet he is only calling me to yell at me...
No kind words... no talk of reconciliation...

And every step we take now takes us further & further from what we both say that we want....

Has anyone else had this experience?
Where you just "go with the flow" and end up divorced?


Thanks,
Shelle

Haven't had this experience but just wanted to say hey since I do remember you.

You struck me as a person who was really working hard at their marriage. Sorry it has come to this.

Had you guys ever done marriage counseling?

Em

He needs to fix himself before he could ever commit to working on the marriage.

Do you want to stay married an abusive and alcoholic H because you are afraid to choose otherwise? Your little song snippet in your sig line would indicate so.

If you love him as you say you do, let him go. Let him fix himself, heal himself or destroy himself if that is what he so chooses. He is apparently only seeking counsel now because it was ordered by the court.

If he cannot commit to better himself he will most likely never be able to commit to you.

I agree ba109....he can't work on a relationship without realizing and fixing his own problems. I know...I tried that, and in the end it doesn't work and just prolongs the agongy.

You need to be strong and get better for you also. Us co-dependents need help to move on.

Good luck.

Pat

Hi Em, we did do marriage counseling... three times... and each time, the counselors referred H to Anger Mgmt courses when the DV issue would come up repeatedly. I think H called about the classes, but I remember him saying that they were "inconvienent"... so divorce and the loss of his marriage & family is MORE "convienent" to him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Each counselor made it a point to meet with me seperately too - they were concerned for my safety, which ended up to be very valid.

Hi ba, I DO believe that H must fix himself... I cannot do it for him (wasted a lot of years trying).

I feel like I "bought into" what everyone was telling me during the time that we were separated...
"Just FILE honey, he'll wake up & come running back to you..." but it backfired... which I wasn't ready for.

The song snippet in my sig line is really old... from when I was "trying" so hard... would be very different now!

HIS problems...?? According to him, he didn't have an "anger" problem, he didn't have an "alcohol" problem... he had a "wife" problem...!!

So I guess I'm taking care of THAT for him, hmmm??

I don't know... I guess it just hurts that:
a) He was lying about loving me & wanting to stay married
or
b) He's covering it up so well & will get divorced due to stubborn pride.

I'm in therapy & attend DV support group & Al-Anon, so I think I've got "help" for myself covered for now.

Just gonna be hard waiting for my heart to "get on-board" with this idea.


Thanks,
ShelleBelle