My H who I never thought could do this to me, we had a GREAT M, ended up cheating on me w/someone he never met until that night. Then he ended up with same OW for a weekend a month later. I cannot sit here and even begin to imagine how he could do this. He told my brother it was just for the sex. How did he know how the sex would be if he never knew her before and was supposedly drunk the first night?? And a whole weekend w/someone you don't know? Why wouldn't he invite me instead?

I just want to know how do you plan things with the OP and not feel guilty and then carry these plans out like normal if you've never done this before?? What exactly is the WS thinking? I really need answers on this. I called him and he called me the whole weekend. He said goodnight to the kids over the phone both nights. How can WS do this and not feel guilt or do you feel guilt and not care?

I mean, I also think how H met OW the weekend after Halloween after we took our kids out trick-or-treating. I would be feeling guilt before I went to meet the OP especially looking into my kids' eyes. Again, we still to this day cannot find what was wrong in our M to begin with. What is it??

--CO

Cheated On, I know it's a little thing but it means a lot to the FWSs who post here. We're all FWSs with capital Fs.

I was just thinking about this today with Easter coming up.

I remember Easter 4 years ago. My A had been going 3 months and wasn't a PA then.

I spent that Easter huddled in a chair with the worst panic attacks I have ever had in my life. My mother had to come and sit with me. I told everyone it was the pressure of work.

Then I began to drink very, very heavily. There wouldn't be a night where I wasn't drunk by 8.00pm and then had to go to bed. I was hungover every day at work.

I started smoking again after I'd quit for 6 years. I've now quit again (after another 4 years) because my life is happy and normal again.

I lost about 10lbs in weight. My clothes started to hang from me. So if that's not guilt I don't know what is.

But still I continued. I was obsessed. It is genuinely like living in two different worlds. But something has to give and with me it was all the things I've mentioned above.

I could call my H and say I would be late without even flinching. I didn't even "see" him at that time. I wasn't "there" but I could pretend I was. Well, I was drunk most of the time so that blotted a lot out and got round having to talk.

My family was very, very concerned about me but put it down to my high pressure job.

Thanks for reminding me about the F part. I changed the post to reflect that.

It is good to know you felt guilt. So, basically, it was like an addiction is what you're saying? My H has said this to me too. I think the hardest part about this whole thing is I would never even be able to do something like this to him. How can you love someone so much and then do this to them? I know that is the question of the century <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. I wonder if I'll ever get an answer.

-CO

Yes, an addiction and I also thought my future was with the OM. What a joke. The payoff of the excitement etc makes you able to do it.

Do you have children? If so, did you feel guilt towards them too? I mean, I can see my H doing this to me (vomit), but to our Darling children?? That's hard to swallow.

-CO

CO, I'm 51, 48 when I had the A. My children are 25 and 28.

When they found out my son said "work it out" and not much more. My DD (who wasn't living at home) slammed out of the house, squealed her tyres and wouldn't speak to me until my H went and spent a lot of time speaking with her.

This is the same DD who has just left for 8 months in Europe with her boyfriend and who I had a lovely goodbye session with at the airport and have been blubbering on MB about how much I'll miss her. I saw her through a very nasty break up of her own last year. We are closer than most mother's and daughters and I could have lost her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Jen,

That sounds very painful. I'm sure it was really hard on you and your family. It's so great you guys all pulled through and are where you are at now. There is hope for me I guess.

-CO

Yes I think there is hope. Like I've said on your other thread LOL.

I have to go now. Different time zones and it's dinner time here.

It's a lot for you to deal with and you have young children. You sound strong - I think you have a lot of guts and character and I think you have what it takes to get through this.

Have a great dinner. I'll try to get some sleep.

Thanks for your kind words.

-CO

}}But still I continued. I was obsessed. It is genuinely like living in two different worlds. But something has to give and with me it was all the things I've mentioned above.

I could call my H and say I would be late without even flinching. I didn't even "see" him at that time. I wasn't "there" but I could pretend I was. Well, I was drunk most of the time so that blotted a lot out and got round having to talk.}}

This is very interesting to me and something I needed to hear from another FWS because my FWH has told me almost exactly the same thing about his mindset during his A...he actually told me recently that he had talked to her about leaving us and moving to where she was...he said he meant it at the time, but never followed through in his mind how he would tell me or what my reaction would be...when I asked him how he could have been telling me he loved me and was 'very much in love with me' just a day before D-day, all he can come up with is that he was ****** up and so confused, like he had two different lives and couldn't give up either one...

He said after D-day it was like a blast of cold water and he got physically sick at the thought of what he had been doing and what he had almost done...he also says he didn't really 'see' me while he was in the A with her, but still had feelings for me when we were intimate, etc...I don't really 'get' that part...

Anyway, it' helps a lot and what he's been telling me makes a little more sense to me after reading that post...thanks for sharing Kiwi..

Well, I didn't feel guilt towards my H, but definitely because of my children, during the A.

It took me a long time after the A to grasp exactly what I'd done and feel remorse.

I'm a recovering sex addict. Because I was in an addictive cycle I was always feeling guilty. I could be saying in my mind I should not be doing this and at the same time driving just as fast to get there.

"I could be saying in my mind I should not be doing this and at the same time driving just as fast to get there."

EXACTLY.

I never thougth of my H during my A. adn the sickest part is.. i didnt give two figs about the kids either. It is the mindset of selfish addictive behavior drive.

Read and Read and buy books and ask advice. It seems to get worse before it gets better..

Godo luck.

footprints

I felt tons of guilt and conflict during the entire A. I expressed it to FOM and the response I got was "but you're doing this for your own happiness." Thinking back on that makes me gag.

Perhaps this sounds cliche, but it was the pull of the addiction that kept me in the A. Yes, I felt guilty, but FOM made me feel so good (gag me again) and those euphoric feelings outweighed the guilt/conflict feelings.

Kind of like eating food that's bad for you, or smoking a cigarette, or taking drugs. You know they're bad for you, and it feels good to eat/smoke/use, but you feel guilty afterward. It's the pull of an addiction.

Once I got my head out of my butt and had a few weeks of NC in place, I started to realize I was better off without the "drug" of the FOM. And now that I understand my vulnerabilities better, I can protect myself better against a recurrance.

Now if I could just do the same with fatty foods and chocolate! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I felt so guilty I wanted to die... but I kept on with the emotional affair until the one day we took it further. Then, I stopped it. I had done the unthinkable. I'd slept with him. It was the one and only time we slept together. The entire affair lasted several months.

It's been many years now, but I can tell you that I felt so much guilt during, and shame after... I honestly did want to die. I don't say that lightly (my son attempted suicide, so I say this with a sincere heart).

I also think the attraction is an addiction... and I have an addictive personality... but back then, I didn't know you could be addicted to a person or to feelings. Now I know better. I will protect myself, always.

cheated on real good question i asked the same question to my W she had her A of all times the week of our youngest child birthday. how come she didnt think of him or the rest of us while she was doing it and while she was driving to meet him. gotta stop now begining to upset me.

for once i can say "I feel your pain" we are on the same wave lenght you should be scared they say im crazy. :0) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Cheat - for what its worth, I wouldn't ask the question how could a FWS do this or that to someone.

My guess is that the vast majority believe a) they will never get caught, so they don't view it as doing anything to someone else and b) they are doing it for themselves as opposed to against someone else.

I would also think twice about saying I could never do that. I mean no offense to you personally, but I think most FWS's would have also said they could never do that.

If this site shows us anything, anyone, put in the right (wrong) circumstances can succumb to having an A. MB principles are all about not having those circumstances occur. Meeting EN's, avoiding LB's, etc.

I'm sure some might give me a 2x4, but it really only takes 2 things to cause an A (or other inappropriate behavior), opportunity and ability to rationalize the behavior. Opportunity is everywhere and observation tells us most people can rationalize just about anything. Guilt may be present, but is easily rationalized away.

The only reason I point these things out is because I think its crucial for recovery for a BS to remain as level headed as possible. If you ask a WS (not a FWS) how can you do this to me, and say I could never do that to you. It further drives them away by feeding their rationalizations and unhappiness.

will my wife ever detatch from her ea...

That's ok with me, I'm feeling crazy right now anyway so I'll join you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Good point. I agree. It still disgusts me though.
Do FWS's agree with the above quote??

And I know I said about not cheating myself. I truly believe I wouldn't. I've had many opportunities. I am a very attractive person. Everytime a guy would make a comment on my looks or something inappropriate, the first thing I would think of is my H and if he would approve of someone talking to me this way. I would immediately change the subject or just stop talking altogether and most men got the picture right away that it wasn't going anywhere. And, yes, some were attractive. I just have no interest in an A. That is way too much work for me. I wouldn't be into the whole sneaking business and trying to find time away from my family for another person. I don't mean to sound concieted or anything, just my opinion. I guess anything's possible. I've learned that by what I'm going through now.

I am really amazed at some of the responses, though, to this question. It is beyond belief to me that it is possible to not feel guilt.

-CO

cheated on:
you make me smile, becoause like you i've also have had 4 chances to have an A. but i didn't for the same reason i thought of my wife, kids and my mother crying on my shoulders when i was i younger cause my father was a serial cheater even till this day. and becouse girls mistook my listening for me being attacted to them.

you should read sum of my post i think you and i are on the same sinking ship maybe one of the "life perserves" that the board has thown to me it my help you even if it was to late for me.

blow your wistle like "rose" in the titanic the rescue ships are everywhere here. look there i go falling into the
dark cold water like leo.