I will begin.

I weighed nearly 300 pounds when the OM approached me and said he thought he loved me. You read that right: 300 pounds.

Yes, I had a pretty face. Yes, I was jolly. Let's get that part out of the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Do you have any idea how many men approached me when I was very fat, in-between fat, and/or slim? Seriously... many. I had many, many opportunities to cheat, but didn't. The fact that I did -when I did- speaks of MY mindset at the time... nothing more.

My ex-H was gorgeous. I always said that. He also had many, many opportunities to cheat, and did -- but more times than not-- didn't (he had several affairs throughout our marriage). That says something about him and his choices at the time(s).

Do looks matter to infidelity? I say NO. I say it has NOTHING whatsoever to do with it.

Anyone want to talk about this?

I get better looking and funnier with each beer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, my XW was a stunning, successful career woman.

OM's wife was an obese, underachieving SAHM - but a terrific mother and well liked in the community.

OM dropped her and left her and their three kids the instant my wife showed any interest in him. He was after a trophy.

Oh, OM's no prize in the looks dept. - matches the rest of his character.

WAT

Hi WAT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Oh yeah, I guess I didn't mention that OM in my case was not the prettiest crayon in the box, either.

PS: The reason I began this thread is because I saw several people discussing this on several threads. I thought it would make a good 'stand alone' topic.

I thing my FWH was definitely SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to the FOW. SEXUAL ATTRACTION involves more than looks..She was open to talking to him right away about wild and kinky subjects and did wild and kinky things with him...YUK.. The SEXUAL ATTRACTION sparked his interest in her. The other ENs that she met (ADMIRATION combined with AFFECTION combined with the SF) resulted in the ADDICTION.

In regards to looks, I am definitely more physically attractive. I used to hate it when people would say, "you are attractive..you can easily find another man"...YUK... Even my H says this about my attractiveness, he would agree with you, as he has often said: "IT'S NOT ABOUT LOOKS"..it's about that "DRUG" that the OP is dealing....however, that can be defined specifically..I don't know...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

JUST THIS morning on the way to work, the Wookie spots a beer truck and says, "When are you going to get the royalties for them using you on their ads?"

It was a St. Pauli Girl truck.

OW is shaped like a 14 year old boy.

>I get better looking and funnier with each beer.

Apparently, she did, too. Looks have NOTHING to do with it in some cases. Sometimes it's just easy....blech.

- Kimmy

My addiction had nothing to do with the way my spouse looked. And because my affairs started online, most of the time I didn't know how someone looked before hand except through a verbal description. Now some women were gorgeous and some were not. Which also goes to shows you it doesn't matter, because I just consider myself average. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I almost have to believe that looks has little to nothing to do it. My STBX (WW) is 33, about 125lbs, and very attractive. Her OM was 65, short, Oriental, and seems to be chubby (in the picture I have seen. So what did she see in him? His ability to make her feel special! Either that or his money.... he's a doctor. But she had to know at some point that he would not marry her. He has had the same GF for over 17 years (in addition to his numerous... heard hundreds.... of affairs) and hasn't been married for almost 25 years.

Wonder if she seen it as a challenge she thought she was up for <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

THAT WOULD BE ME, WAT...

You mean my H left this TROPHY for that SKANKY OW?

This goes to show, as we all know, that infidelity is ILLOGICAL...

WAIT.....MIMI gave me another thought about attractiveness ....if it's like those violet colored lights hanging outside at night with electrical strips all around that mosquitos fly into and get zapped, if that is considered attractive, then yes, attractiveness counts. I guess drugs look attractive to the drug addict. The fantasy world looks attractive to the sex addict, but you sure do get zapped.

The OW my last H left me for really blew my mind because she was entirely different from me. She was several yrs older than I, very unattractive, uneducated, and rough around the edges. She painted houses for a living and was a chain smoking, hard drinker.

So what was the attraction? She looked up to him and admired him! And that was what he wasn't getting at home.

I think its pretty common to find that physical attractiveness is not a factor in many affairs.

You know, it's weird... I *used* to think that looks mattered. After all, my (then)H was very handsome and had women falling all over him. It almost didn't matter what he said or did, he was a chick-magnet.

My affair was in year 18 of the marriage, and before that, I knew of (far too many) couples that infidelity had touched... and one in particular surprised me, because she was in her early 30's and the guy she left her family for was in his 60's and hideously ugly. I mean, really, really unattractive and slimy.

Then my affair happened, and I saw things from the other side. Not a shining moment for me, and one which will haunt me forever, but that's not the point.

The point is that the addiction aspect is soooooooooooooo true, and I began to shift my paradigm... he became "exotic" and "witty" instead of smarmy, with a nasty sense of humor (which is the truth).

He was the exact opposite of my (then)H. Couldn't have been more different. I s'pose he had his charms, but looking back, I can't for the life of me tell you what they were.

I just find this fascinatiing, that's all. That I would throw away my entire life (which is what ultimately occurred, not just by my choice, but by my ex-H's and mine during the after-affects of my affair) for someone I never would have become *friends* with (let alone allow him to touch me!) is ... horrifying.

prolly not so much, but a little

OW who waltzed into my life uninvited was (is?) very very attractive

and she's "nice" as well

.... BUT, NOT EDUCATED .... OW NEVER FINISHED HIGHSCHOOL

I would have ASSumed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> that alone would have been a turn off for any man ... boy was I wrong!

LOL

Okay i love this thread...because i ask myself this ? about a zillion times a day.

OW in my sitch....several years older than my H, has big ol' black circles under her eyes...(first thing you notice about her), stringy overly frosted hair, and braces...(obvious mid-life crisis)....

Everyone who has went to "check her out" ....has just been stunned. I get the OMGosh...what a SKANK.

but again... she was telling him how great and glorious he was and how "good he looked" (yep her words to me exactly) and POOF....she is not skanky looking in his eyes!

maybe thats why he continues the denial of the A....doesn't want everyone to know he left a beauty for an ol' hag!

Jaysmom

Yep..this was the case in my situation...

But..turns out..she couldn't keep up that lying 24/7...

He realized that she could not possibly love every single thing about him...

IT WAS A FARCE....THAT'S THE DRUG..THAT CAUSES THE ADDICTION...

Interesting thread new beginningII. I'm glad you brought up the issue. I think many BSs feel this (physical attraction, beauty) is the reason why their spouses are unfatithful. What is really humorous to me is that my H's first A was with a woman who look similar to me and her demanor, personality was too...go figure.

Most recent OW doesn't look like me or is anything like me. Her H and my H describe her as common looking, average. However it seems she makes up for whatever she lacks in physical appearance in personal capabilites.

I think that BS's many times make the mistake of thinking that for betrayal is only about physical attraction to appearance. When there are other reasons involved also.

I'm one of those "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" type people. I try not to rate people accept to myself as attractive or not b/c I realize that what one person may think is Wowsa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> gorgeous, good looking, may not be to someone else. And also people are often times attracted not only to the phycial charcteristics, but charisma, confidence, and so on that make a complete package.

So I guess I'm saying this to say that I'm trying not to look only at the physical attributes of why my H did this dastardly, b******** thing in having an A with this one, but trying to look at our circumstance at the time, what else she (OW) may have had to offer and so on.

Just my thoughts.

OM in FWW’s A is a steely-eyed pilot. Ruggedly handsome, wealthy, athletic, socially active and a corporate bigwig. His first wife and his current (the OW from his first M) are both highly intelligent and totally stunning (and look an awful lot alike.)

No wonder my W loved him so much.

Yes, the addiction factor is an amazing thing, really. I'm surprised it took us so long to figure out that we can be addicted to how someone makes us feel.

I also have some thoughts on how this relates to EN's. If a person (like me, for example) holds admiration as a top EN... and my spouse gives me tons of admiration (which mine does <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />), then does that mean if there comes a time when he doesn't, that it is at that time that I am most vulnerable to cheat? (Which I will never do, no matter what, ever, ever, ever.)

My ex-H was a good man in many ways... a workaholic... had some health/emotional issues in the year or so leading up to my affair, as did I... and I'd gotten so fat... and while he didn't say demeaning things to me (and for that I am truly grateful)... his *attitude* reflected that I was less-than-desirable. Did *that* factor in?

My H now is... so dear. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and perfect... and man, I'm so far from perfect... I won't even go into the sundry and varied physical problems I have at this time of my life - and I'm still pretty chunky, but not anywhere near how heavy I was before...

But the point is, he says I'm perfect FOR HIM. And I BELIEVE HIM.

Does THIS matter?

Or is it that I ADORE HIM, and he in turn, ADORES ME, and we together make a good chemical balance... i.e. we feel in love???

I think that looks do matter (at least somewhat) in a good number of affiars, but I don't think that the "attractiveness" factor is the main driver. I think a lot of people have affairs with people that make them feel good about themselves. What the OW provided to me which was lacking in my marriage (and still is to some degree)
was: admiration, affection, and just a general pleasantness as a companion. She smiled a lot and I guess I am drawn to happy people.

I have always heard the saying ~~

It's not what they look like

It's how they make you feel.


Loving this thread too....

My best regards to everyone, carnation

Mimi, I knew this about you when you first got here because you are so much like me. Remember I kept asking you if your H felt "respected" and admired by you? I sensed this was your problem, too.