I am so weary of going over the story of my WS's affairs so I'll be very brief to give you history and then if anyone has any advice or input I would so welcome them. Thanks for muddling through the following fragmented yet long story if you get to the end.

WH has been having EA (that I know of... could be more PA? who will ever know the truth???), for a year with coworker. Dday was last october, he contacted her on the phone with me listening to tell her it was over, etc., but this past early March I found out the text messages, phone calls have been continuing... many from our home phone which he thought couldn't be traced when I was out of town on weekends taking care of my ill parents. All the while lying to me that it was over.

WS also had PA with another coworker at another job/another town on 2 occassions. I never knew about this affair until he confessed four years later to me(this affair was about eight years ago).

I really suffered a lot after this first PA, but worked through it the best I could because he begged me to stay with him and really worked hard at being a good husband.

I was so hurt when I found out about this new EA last october.. couldn't believe he could hurt me again after his crying and forgiveness-begging of me and God on the first one! Then to say this second one is over, and then to continue until found out this March!

He begs to save our marriage, states he really wants me and our child. But am I fool to still let him in the house? I really don't think I have any love left for him. I am so burnt out. I want our marriage, our family, our lifestyle. But I just don't think I love him. It makes me ill to think of being intimate with him. Of course he is screaming about how terrible I am now and he is being an a**whole because of the lack of intimacy. But I feel he needs to prove to me he is trust worthy and that I am worthy of better treatment. But then again I don't know if I could trust him no matter what he could do. I am in limbo.

What I really want is for him to make it up to me somehow with kindness, something - I don't know. I just can't stomach him.

**Major problem right now is I wanted him to go visit my parents with me four hours away this Easter weekend since he hasn't been to visit them with me over the past year and half. He told me he will not go if I'm not intimate with him in the next two nights. I know if he stays home he will contact OW.

I feel like I should just tell him to leave. Please give your input - welcomed!

WHAT????!!!! Please tell me you can see how absurd this is!!! "RAPE" may be too strong a word for this situation... but it's darn close, IMO.

Dorri...

Go visit your parents and never come back.

Let him contact the OW!

Let her have him!

It's called just deserts!

Sorry... not very good Marriage Building advice... Maybe I'm just having a very bad moment.

Well, it sounds very much to me like your H is trying to blackmail you into something he wants, but you may not be quite ready to engage in.
He sounds, to me, like he doesn't have a complete and real understanding of exactly how much he has betrayed and hurt you.
from Dr. H:

Makes sence to me IMVHO.
All Blessings,
Jerry

dorri, why are you choosing to live like this? I mean, i wish I could give you some good news, but you know I can't. You know what the score is here. He is a serial cheater who feels wholly entitled to screw around regardless of what it does to you. He is a freeloader who is only there to TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

The bottom line is that you can't change him. You must accept him how he is and make your decision accordingly. Do you want a serial cheater for a husband? Because if you DO, then you have your guy. If you don't, then you must make a hard decision because that is what you have and you ain't changing him!

He will continue to be a serial cheater because he has no motivation to change. There are no consequences.

If it were me, I could not have SF with someone who disgusted me. And I would vomit if I had to sleep with a man for whom I had no respect. I shudder to imagine how repulsive that would be.

Look at what Dr. Harley says about repeats:

From Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment:


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.

**Major problem right now is I wanted him to go visit my parents with me four hours away this Easter weekend since he hasn't been to visit them with me over the past year and half. He told me he will not go if I'm not intimate with him in the next two nights. I know if he stays home he will contact OW.


look at this again

re read

then see if you can spot where you are being shown disrespect

Disrespect? Understatement of the day.

This is blatant manipulation and emotional abuse. Entitlement on steroids.

There is also BS fog, Dorri. Step back and look and his actions. Filter out all his words and just look at what he does. He seems pretty consistent, huh.

Have you considered a good Plan B, before your love bank is completely overdrawn?

With prayers,

"You promised to stand by your marriage vow to "Forsake ALL others...and lied about it to do what you want. Since you seem to think that marriage is ONLY about getting sex, I will let you seek that kind of marriage on your own. May you find someone who thinks the same way you do."

"You choose her, you can have her. But you can't have both of us. If you don't willingly come with us as a FAMILY this weekend, don't bother looking for a family anymore."

Why are you trying to "negotiate" with a liar who has a different "dictionary" where TRUTH = whatever he wants regardless of anyone else?

A "crisis" is looming, and is needed. You need to "get ready for the storm that is approaching your "New Orleans" and not ignore the warnings.

God bless.

Thanks to all of you who responded. You said the things I've been feeling inside, but too bewildered and unfocused to act on. I can't believe the person I have turned into ... so indecisive and unsure of my own opinions and ideas. I know this sounds like a victim, but my husband and all he has done and all that he says (blaming me for his infidelities) has made me second guess every thought and feeling I have. I do know though that slowly but surely I am coming out of this and I am starting to get FED UP with him.

Last night I just avoided him as much as I could. I didn't speak to him at all. He slept on the couch. I didn't say goodbye when I left for work.

I will just go to my parents with my child and if he doesn't go that will be my clear sign from God that he's hopeless as far as our marriage goes.

((((dorri))))
I'm not even sure what to say. I can't articulate it. Even if he caves and comes with you... I think everything the others wrote to you still holds true. Something is terribly wrong -- the way he tries to manipulate and control you. It's abusive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> It makes my skin crawl. The state you describe yourself in -- indecisive, unsure, numb -- has battered women's syndrome written all over it. Maybe not physical abuse... but definately mental and emotional abuse. I'm sorry.

--SC

Post deleted by sade

WS came into our bedroom at 1 a.m. telling me how terrible I have been our whole marriage and continues to blame me for his behavior.

I am not perfect but he seems to not accept or forgive me for anything. He uses my faults as his justification for affairs. He tells me I lied to him at the altar by not being the wife I was supposed to be, and I betrayed him by not meeting his needs like I promised to do at the altar. I know I have been selfish, manipulative, not met his needs in the past, ( not all the time, I am just being honest about myself and know that I have done this at times), but I have honestly tried to be the best wife I could. I never lied to him and never betrayed him. I just wasn't a perfect peson.

Even taking away his affairs, he still has less than perfect track record for a husband/person... but that's ok we all do. all the stuff he lists as my shortcomings, well he has done those too, ( on top of the affairs!) But as for those things we're all human and life is not perfect.



Just like another post written earlier by another BS, I don't trust my judgment because of his blaming me for the person he has become. I know this is getting away from the original topic so I will copy and post this a new topic becuase I would love some input as to how many other BS's were told by the WS's that they were teh cause of the A's.

Not defending Hubby's rude and obnoxious request at all, but Dorri, what is your part in this? I suspect that hubby deeply resents time spent with parents. I don't know the situation and I know that sometimes we are put in difficult situations with sick parents, but I would be willing to bet that hubby feels abandoned. It does not justify his affair or his request, but might expain some of his actions. Haveng you considered staying home with him instead of going to your parents? A little show that he is #1 often goes a long way. We guys like knowing that we come first in your life. Whenever that doesn't happened, we feel threatened. It can be caused by jobs, kids, parents, affairs, etc. Some of us react better than others.

Either way, I would not give in to his demand. See if you can work a compromise.