I'm losing my "high"...I think the realization of what I have DONE is REALLY hitting me harder and harder every day.

I don't expect my H to be lovey-dovey, but the "looks" are slowly killing me.

Yes, I am a FWW, and I probably deserve this; I created this mess. But my outlook is "how can we make this marriage better/stronger?"

Since the A ended, I purcahsed the books, printed out the questionnaires. I am reading and learning as much as I can. I'm even putting my job in jeopardy but constantly reading new posts just to see if there is anything NEW that I can learn from. NOT ONCE has my BS picked up a book or read any of the questionnaries. I just keep getting looks.

If I were a BS, I would be all over ANYTHING to help my M.

Is my thinking wrong here? What am I doing wrong? I know what I have done wrong in the past, but I'm talking about right here and right now.

You "oldies but goodies".....I could use some guidance here.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

well ... let's pray you never have to find out!!!

deep breaths

you'll be fine

this is all "normal" for your place on the timeline

Thanks, PB....

I knew this was NOT going to be easy. But I feel like I am doing everything right, not for anyone but mostly for MYSELF. I love my H I tell him constantly....I'm doing everything.

I'm NOT the patient type, I guess now I have to be.

I'm just feeling quite lost, at the moment.

S&C,

You are doing well, but I fear you truely don't understand yet, what has happened. You are doing nothing wrong, in fact you are doing everything you can and that is sooooo good. But, you said and asked
You see what you have not faced is that he has NOT decided if he wants to remain married to you. Therefore, working on the marriage makes NO sense to him. He has many things to sort out yet.

One of them is will you do this to him again and if you did would he know or would it be like last time, with lies and deceit.

Next, he does NOT know if he is what you want in a husband. Right now you are running around trying to fix things, but he fears that is just because YOU don't want to look like the bad guy if this fails. Which means you are not really that into him. He knows you weren't during the A.

Finally, you need to realize that his confidence and trust in HIMSELF is shot. He is not sure that he has what it takes to make you happy. Further, he doesn't want to be made a fool of again if he does decide to work on this. In fact, he feels pretty foolish right now for NOT just leaving.

So many things going through his head S&C. And so little time to digest them. Give this situation time and a lot of patience. It will take it.

Keep doing the great things you are doing, but realize you have known of this whole situation for a very very long time, he just found out a few days ago. He will not sort this out on a week type time scale, it will take months...many months.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

patience, yes of course

but think about this phrase instead ....

~ state of grace ~

put yourself there

'being patient' sounds as much fun as root canal

state of grace ...

you do not get to determine how and when and the rate of your betrayed spouse's healing

2 years in usual
faster is NOT good
slower is much better
more complete
less resentment

understanding on your part ... is mostly what is being asked of you

Thanks JL - I appreciate your honestly, even though it cuts like a knife. I can't even imagine how he feels.

I'm gross.

your asking a tough question....i have to think...wow...i was a BS...i chose not to return....i prayed HARD for along time, until i was numb, i wanted to save my marriage...

i would have given anything to be in your H shoes...early on, but......God never answer my prayed the way i wanted and i ended up on a "broken road"...looking back, im 2 1/2 yrs into MY own recovery and divorce.....

im healthier, wealthier, a little wiser (i think)...and i wouldnt CHANGE a thing....

from reading your posts, it sounds like you are doing everything you can....in my opinion, STOP trying so hard...just be his wife....be honest and open 100% with yourself and him...he needs to take an accounting of himself...Lord know i did...ive been a cop for over 20 yrs and was married for over 15...so i KNOW i have demons and issues that created an enviroment that was ripe for her affair....but...that wasnt an excuse....i think you know that!

i would just take it slow....one day at a time...dont over talk it...let him come to termsand deal with it on his own time.

** word of caution though....keep a keen eye on a "retaliation" affair on his part.....i went down that path....(that is one of the remorse issues im still dealing with).

my marriage did not survive....but just keep trying.

i hope for the best for you!

PB - I loved your post. You are absolutly right.

Damn you old timers! (That was a joke).

use your femininity

do you know what I mean?

be sweet smelling
be soft spoken
be ready to give or receive a hug

be gently present <~~~ especially when your H gets grumpy or cranky or down right ugly ... stay soft

it will work to repair your M

trust me on this one ... coz I'm a stinkin' old-timer

~~~~ state of grace ~~~~

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sturgis05 - Talk to me....who wanted out you or WW? Did you try to work it out?

I'm not prying....these "stories" will only help.

Thanks for chimming in.

Pepper - Why is it that you ALWAYS put a smile on my face....

You are awesome.

Sturgis - Was the WW not remorsfull? (sp?)

Patience NEEDS to be in place right now. You are looking at a very slow, one, two, three year process.

As a BS, I cannot put into words the betrayal and heartbreak that has to be processed. It is a rollercoaster ride like no other. This is NOT something a BS can "just" sweep under the carpet and move forward over. I'm over two years in recovery and still have thoughts every day about what my FWW did. There are triggers everywhere...music, movies, restaurants, bars, cars, too many to list all of them.

As you've been told, you need to provide him with complete transparency in your life, work very hard to restore his trust in you, understand WHY you did what you did and set boundaries so it WON'T happen again, and a host of other thing as have been posted to you.

I understand the uplifting relief of you no longer carrying the burden. Your H has just received his burden, and it will take months to digest what has happened and maybe even longer for him to have the confidence to re-commit to his damaged marriage.

Breathe deeply and take this one day at a time. Your H will be fighting for his sanity one hour at a time for the foreseeable future.

I must tell you I admire that you have "come clean" and are full of enthusiasm and energy to fix what's broke, but, this is a long, painful process that requires an immense amount of patience, caring and resolve.

Hang in there!
SD

SD - If I could take all of this back I would do it in a heartbeat.

I've been able to keep the tears in all day long, until I read your email.

You BS are the best of the best. The fact that you would even communicate with me, blows my mind.

Minute by minute....right?

Hunny

I am married to a FWH

so why would I not help you?

PS ~~ You're as gross as I am ! LOL

PB - This time a VERY loud giggle!

It's folks like you, and spouses like my H that keep me going!

My FWW also complained about the looks. She said I looked at her differently. Well, duh!

Of course he's going to look at you differently. He has just recently learned some pretty devastating information. Give him time to process this.

Now on the good side - you are doing everything right. Hang in there and give this some time.

i was blindsided by the affair...it was with a married fella from my daughters soccer team...anyway...she never completly came clean...i went through the worst, darkest days of my life...however i had one christian friend who was with me during these times...i have sense become a christian, so im sure of my future (i got alittle off the subject) so when i say i wouldnt change a thing..i mean it...it took darkness to awaken me...

i gave her over a yr to come back...we were close a few times...but she was just too cold hearted early on and i started to get on with my life....

out of pity or desperation i started dating...way too early, but i discovered life beyond my X....

when she finally made overtures about reconciling...it was ME, who turned cold and i was tired an had run ouy of tears to cry over her loss...

i chose not to return....she ended up marrying the OM, after they both divorced....she says she is happy...but the haggared looks and other things tell me otherwise....

looking back, i have some remorse about not trying harder to save my mariage, but it was one of my "unanswered" prayers....

thats why i say, just go slow, let him have time to process everything...i was an emotional wreck for several weeks...maybe longer, i actually dont rmember, but i also had to do some accounting on my end and some growth needed to take place.

so give him some time....but again...watch for the "retaliation" A


kevin

I am sorry to bring you to tears. Lord knows there are enough of them shed by the folks here on these forums. I just wanted to make the point that you cannot rush your H into Recovery.

By coming clean, doing the "right" things, you can make the path much smoother, but your H will see rocks and debris on a path you might perceive as smooth and easy.

Not only will you need an immense amount of *grace* (thanks for the word, Pep!) for your own journey, but an equal amount or more for your BH.

If only all WS's could have the fog dissapate as yours did, and begin to think in a clear and positive manner, there would be far less tears than there are.

Best wishes,
SD

hey....i have to scram...headin to work, but ill catch up with u later....

hang in there....