Kevin - bless your soul.

I don't believe in unanswered prayers - God had/has other plans for you....

She's the fool, as I will be if my H leaves.

What are you up to these days?

S05 - ok, let's try to chat again.

You calm me.....and I want to know about you and your story; why are you back here?

Be careful.

S&C,

I was not trying to hurt you with my post. Have you figured out yet, that the people here have come to the conclusion you are a "keeper". We sense that your heart is in the right place and I think your H will see it as time goes on.

One thing you need to mindful, recovery is hard. It takes alot of energy, so marshall your energy carefully. I sort of look at like a cut. You can put neosporin (sp) on it and it will heal better and with less of a scar. However, you can put even more on, and the healing takes the same amount of time and the scar will be the same. You just run out of the neosporin sooner.

So make sure you put plenty of care and love on your H. However, don't wear yourself out on this either. Recovery is a long term things.

Oh! and Pep used my absolutely most favorite term...GRACE. Act with Grace S&C, and allow your H time to do the same as he heals.

He has a lot of ups and downs to go through yet. By the way, I don't think I have seen him post here in a bit. I did post to him about the answers to some of his questions. Has he talked to you about them? I hope so.

Must go,

God Bless,

JL

you wrote.."S05 - ok, let's try to chat again.

You calm me.....and I want to know about you and your story; why are you back here?

Be careful"



why am i here....same reason anyone else i guess...i seem to have sort of lost my way....

i recently went through a nasty legal issue with my XW and XMIL and it brought out some extrmre emotions of hate, to be honest....my blood pressure was sky high and i was letting my situational stress get the best of me....

i soooooo know that my X traded down...way down, but that dosent stop some of the jealousy and envy that surfaces every now and then.

my X and i went through a para-legal for divorce, i aggreed to giving her our house, ALL the equity, in excahnge for 100% of my PERS retirement, my 457 plan and VERY minimul child support. i get the kids 50-50 and joint legal/physical custody.....the preservation of my retitrement was HUGE!!!! anyway..............

our seperation occurred in 12/03, we filed for D in 2/05 and it settled in 9/05. in 2/05 she made some overtures, which were way less than 100%, she was testing the waters and in 8/05 she tried again...same story.

both times, i wasnt interewsted, NOT because i still didnt love her, even after everything, but because i didnt TRUST her....my pride and self-esteem was intact by this time.....but TRUST is HUGE!!!!!

our divorce finalized in 9/05, which was one of the hardest days of my life BTW...i tore me up. she married he BF 3 weeks later....

they sold his condo, our old house and bought a MILLION dollar pad with the equity... ( i live in SoCal, so you can imagine the equity)

in march, they had there HUGE wedding reception, they married in a private cerimony in Tahoe, then had party 5 months later....spent over $20,000 im told...

here in lies my problem....I GOT JEALOUS...I GOT ENVIOUS....and then i GOT MAD!!

she invited family, which are still loyal to me, and some "old" friends that i thought "were my friends" and THEY WENT!!

i was having a real hard time with getting over my "emotions" and found this site by accident. since mid-march i have learned alot of stories and watched as people have gone through the same emotions and problems that i went through.....its quite eye opennig to say the least...

i am not angry at my X for leaving me, im well beyond that, as a matter of fact, ive been in a LTR for the past year with a WONDERFFUL woman, yes.....God takes care of stupid people....im living proof....

anyway....i need to truely forgive myself....that may sound odd, but i have some regret and guilt over maybe not trying hard enough...although, i look back and there really wasnt anything else i could have done....SHE even filed for D, i just aggreed...

i feel guilty for failing my children....im not sure if that makes sense, but thats where my guilt lays....

i read the Bible, i talk to God daily...he has blessed me beyond ANYTHING i probably deserve, but......the forgiving of myself, and in effect truely fogiving my X, thats my struggle right now....

i read alot, and have read several self help books, but a quote by Vince Lombardi kind of sums up my journey so far...

""Dealing with hardship may seem like an "odd technique" for self discovery: We rarely go out in search for hardship, pain, trauma or heartbreak. However, they often come in search of us, and when they do,they can provide invaluable learning experiences. In the presence of boundless, UNBEARABLE PAIN-the loss of a loved one, ones health, or family-we experience a sense of powerlessness and recognize that there are things we simply cant control, that we become open to profound learning. In the face of great pain, when perhaps for the first time in our lives we are forced to admit we dont have all the "answers", we can begin to ask the right "questions". PAIN (of any type) is a powerful centering force. It pushes us where GOOD TIMES ALMOST NEVER LEAD. As we suffer, we grow wiser.""

yes....i am a little wiser, i have a few lines on my face that have been hard earned, some gray hair...but looking back, I KNOW i made the right decision not to return to my WW, in my heart i know, but....that dosent change my sense of failure in some way of my part as a husband and father...

my current relationship with my kids is GREAT...BETTER than when we were a family, i have taken a hard look at my life and made some SERIOUS changes, that would not have come about absent the affair and subsequent divore....

I KNOW my wife still loves me, and REGRETS her bad choices, she has asked for forgiveness several times...i say it, but my heart with holds it (does that make sense)

anyway...this is the first time i have ever really shared this with anyone outside of a few confidants...i have been around...

i have seen some things in my life and done things that have molded me, jaded me, made me calous and hard....now ive spent the last several years trying to "undo" some habits and personality traits.....i am very good at "hating", i learning to truely LOVE and forgive...

im not sure if this puts anything into perspective for you...but thats who i am, and thats why im here....

just trying to find my way.

Sturgis05

THANKS so much for sharing your story ...

next time we have a SoCal 'get together' ... please join us

what a touching story

Pep