My friend just told me that her H just admitted to her that ~~ yes, he does have a crush on the bartender !!! at his favorite bar he goes to a few times a week.

Recently she has had the gut feeling that something was just not right.. and asked him if something was going on with him and he told her about the crush...told her it was no big deal !! She truly believes that this woman would not be intested in her H and that is probably the only thing stopping this from going further.

He is 50 and his W is about 10 yrs older than he. We are thinking it is probably a little mid-life crisis ~~ She was blurting all this out to me and I was pretty much speechless. I felt that I was not much help, since it did not seem like a real EA to me. But the fact that he is infatuated with another woman who is younger, is troubling her. She certainly can not control his thinking about this stuff and we/she is confused as how to handle this.

How can I help her ?? What can I say ?? She would not come here, I believe. She has listened to me rant and rave for a long time about my H and I think that she was hoping that I would be more help...

Thanks so much in advance.

Carnation

Please help me help her...

would this be considered an EA ??

Thank you, carnation

Carnation,

Going to a bar a few times a week without your wife is very poor marriage behavior...don't you think?

Does she think this is okay? Or does she have no say in it?

I would think the marriage has been on a slippery slope since the day he started going to bars without her, now with a crush on a bartender...yikes.

Has she talked to him about her fears? Has she asked him to stop going?

Need more info.

I don't like bars for married people unless they are together and it is part of their fun activities they do together.

I never saw any good come from a married person going to the bars...or even single people for that matter.

Yes, I would say that a crush is an EA if only in ones mind.

Thanks for replying Weaver.

Yes, I agree that going to bars as a married person is not good for the marriage. Too much time apart and we all know what could happen with opportunity and then add alcohol !! But ~ this has been his habit all along. Just him stopping after work, he gets out around 3 and is usually home by 5 or 6.

I do believe that it would be hard to stop this habit now. She was basically used to it but lately he had been acting a little strange. When asked he said yes, he had a crush but it was no big deal.

My friend has alot of physical problems and mostly stays to home. Remember there is a pretty big age difference. She has absolutely no desire to go with him. Years ago, maybe but not now.

Bar owners wisely want to employ pretty, sexy bartenders to draw in the guys. Seems to be working and then some.

How should she handle this ?? thanks so much for replying

carnation

Beats me. Sorry Carn, I am no help but thought opening a dialog might bring in some ideas.

I can't get past the bar thing, sounds like alcoholism to me.

What I honestly think she should do is become more attractive than the bartender by getting her health back, doing things, being interesting...in short by being better than the competition. And not nagging, whining, begging, fighting.

That's all I got Carn, but again I can't get past the bar thing...

Maybe someone else can help.

Hi Car,
I agree with weaver. We all know too well how these seemingly "little" things turn into something big.



It sounds like he is going to the bar looking for something. Has your friend read His Needs/Her Needs? What do they do together?

thanks for replying. Her dd has given her some good advice about boundries and spending time together.

She is going to approach him this evening and talk about this and tell him that his actions are not *acceptable* to her. If he chooses to continue going to the bar, given the new information ~~ he will not do it in their home.

Her dd talked about shared time together and she agrees. But, she wants to see how their conversation tonight goes. She seems to be handling it real good today. Quite strong and has a plan.

thanks so much for replying

carnation