Don't YOU DARE say that I haven't a clue. Are you kidding me? Every second of every day I look back with utterly disqust at what I have done to my H and my DDS.....

DON'T GO THERE!

One more thing I would like to share -

I attempted to KILL MYSELF in January of this year over the pain I felt for what I have done....

DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

S & C...

Please don't do this to yourself here...or to Believer-she's an awesome lady, and did not say what she said to hurt you, and btw, she was right...

Allow me to explain...Please understand that I say this with genuine care and concern, and as a FWW from an obvious understanding of where you are...

1. The fact is S & C, you are brand new at this, and you do NOT fully get it yet...that would be IMPOSSIBLE...Right now, whether you know it or not, this for you remains MUCH about you...you can't help that, it's the way the process works...just is...even the suicide attempt, still about you-(and I DO understand this)Why? Because suicide would have been a solution to end your pain, NOT your husband's pain...As you go further in this process, you will hurt less...and you are hurting now, that's what made you respond to Believer as you have here...the less that you hurt the more you will be able focus on your husband's pain and how his pain affects him...and yes that you caused it...now your perception when it comes to his pain is how his pain affects you and his responses toward you...EVEN if you CAN'T see this right now S & C, trust me, it's true...There are many stages to this process...you can't skip any of them, don't try...**Perhaps a better way to understand how I know this about you is with a parenting example...you know, the way that you would tell someone that doesn't have children how they can never truly know what it's like to be a parent until they are one** I hope that makes sense to you...Relax here a little, K? Listen, learn, ask questions...it's all part of it...

2. Stop reading your husband's threads right now...what he needs is different than what you need right now...S & C, you asked for people to support him...back off and let them, K?

3. For your husband, this is ALL very new...you have had the benefit of knowing about your affair and all the details of it LONG before he did...you have also had the benefit of this site for much longer-you lurked before you posted...Please allow you both to get from MB all that it has to offer...Your husband needs more time to process this...give him that benefit...you will both be benefitted by that in the long run...

How are you??? What's going on with you??? Have you written a NC letter? Yesterday, I told you on another thread that OMW is going to have to be told...let's talk about this, OK? S & C...I'm glad you are here, I'll offer you all the support that you may need...take a breath...This is a "simple" process, not an "easy" one...

Praying for You,

Mrs. Wondering

relax and breathe

~state of grace~

S&C, for your sake and for you H's sake stay away from his thread. We generally recommend that spouses not post or reach each others threads. Hope you are doing ok.

S & C,

Faithful Follower just gave me an idea for you...for the time being why don't you and your H use the "ignore" feature of this site...just click on your own name, you'll see that feature there...that way neither one of you will see the posts of the other...that will kill the temptation and allow you both to get what you need here...what do you think?

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I hvae to agree with folks S&C. My DW posts here and it is like eating nails reading it sometimes. Lucky for me.. I have no emotions... har har.

Anyway, I understand that seeing what your spouse posts is painful. If you can not stop yourself from fighting back online, then it would be best to not read it. Use any method you have to ensure you can talk... and so can he. He has a ton of hurt he is dealing with that he didn't get to even know was coming.

You knew you were wrong from the first touch. Hope you get yourself together and continue to progress.

look at it this way...

when your (sad and confused)...and wondering what he is thinking, you WILL know where he is coming from...you wont be spinning around not knowing his true feelings...

i dont know who your H is or what he said, but i probably know how he feels, so its understandable that BOTH you guys have (selfish) needs...i say that in a good way...

LIFE SUCKS when reality sets in and WE are accountable for our mistakes...it SUCKS when reality hits us with a 2x4 in the chops and we get a good dose of honesty and true feelings....

all i can tell you, is EMBRACE it, listen and digest what everyone says...its pretty harsh from time to time....but its all part of the healing process....

hang in there....ill talk 2 ya L8R

S&C -

Here is your husband's post -

"Well it's been a couple of days and the shock is staring to wear off, but each bit of information I get the the more disgusted i get. I go from one extreme to another. The last couple of days she (W) has been walking around our house like everything is ok now that she told me. She told me yesterday that she had a great day which totally ticked me off. I realize that she is allowed to have good days and she has done nothing but think about what she has done 24/7. But for me, every day when I think i'm having a good day, I think about what she did to this om and I just fall deeper into a hole. People at my job don't know but they sense something is different. I so want to make this work out for us, and I'm in it for the long haul, but in a strange way I feel she hasn't suffered like i've been suffering. I can't help but think about what she did to the om the next time we make love (which won't be for a while, i assure you). I'm just confused as to why him and not me."

How would you like me to support him, by just telling him to move on and forget it, get over it? I still don't think you have the slightest idea of what betrayal feels like. He's not just going to snap out of this. It will take months and months.

You have no clue what it feels like to be the betrayed spouse ... it is a simple statement of fact. Do not make it out to be more than a simple fact.

it is true ... you have no clue ... as I have no clue what it feels like to be the person in your position...

I pray you never have to find out what being betrayed feels like.... and ... I also pray I never have to find out what it feel like to be the adulterous spouse ....

instead of hostility toward Believer, who is a wonderful helper to your BH ... try finding a way to put yourself in a ~state of grace~ when you think you need to bite off one of our heads !!!

You are going to be OK ... ((( hugs ))) try not to freak out.

Believer...yes, I owe you an apology, a very big one.

My first reaction was "most of the people posting to my BS are BS themselves....how do THEY know how I feel?"

What was so painful was the words, "she doesn't have a clue". Yes, a day or so ago I was feeling great...I found GOD AGAIN, seemed like I was out of the FOG, and my H decided he wants to work on the marriage.

Then things started to change. I feel sick constantly, I can't stop thinking about what I did and why??????. I have been so down for the past couple of days I just can't even describe it.

Bottom line is I screwed up BIGTIME by what I posted you...I don't know if you will or care to forgive me. I really am a good person, I have not one enemy in my life. I just don't want to be judged like "every other WW"....I am different, I am wracking my brain to figure out a way to TRY to ease my H's pain.

I've always been the one to FIX THINGS, this is the first time in MY LIFE that I can't fix it - I am literally getting sick over it.

Again, I am sorry - I jumped the gun BIGTIME.

I don't know what else to say except I hope you accept my apology....and YES I want your input because you know a lot more about this then I do.

All of you have been so helpful and without even one of you I don't know where I would be today. I will be, and my H too, FOREVER grateful for every word that has been spoken to us.

P.S. There has been NC with the XOM - Our departments have NOTHING to do with each other. I have arranged my schedule so I won't be running into him any time soon.

Also, yes a NC letter was sent....H read it, approved it and off it went.

I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me and my stupid comments.

I really am not a bad person. And honestly, even my H would attest to that.

God Bless you.

S&C -

Actually I do think you are mostly out of the fog, and I admire how you are working so hard to make things right. I really think you two are going to come out of this with a much better marriage than before.

All of us, until we have personally experienced infidelity, don't have a clue. I was just as guilty when my beloved niece was cheated on by her husband. She is a beautiful girl, a nurse who teaches other oncology nurses, and just a wonderful person.

She completely collapsed, went to bed, was depressed for months, and wanted to die. I kept telling her just to move on. I couldn't understand how hurt she was.

You, my dear, need to figure out why this happened, so you can make your husband feel safe that it will never happen again. And no, I don't think you are a bad person. But there is a weakness somewhere that allowed this.

There is a good book called "Torn Asunder" which has a chapter called "The Message of the Affair". You might want to check it out.

Also your husband is very concerned about how you could do whatever it was with the OM, and not with him. If I were you, I would work on figuring it out and explaining it to him. You see, his self-esteem is probably in the toilet. He will be comparing himself to the OM and feeling like he doesn't measure up. You are the only one that can help him get through this.

sad, thanks for apologizing to her. It it upsetting to see good folks like believer attacked. She only means well.

I agree with the others that it is probably a bad idea to read each others threads right now. You wouldn't believe the board wars that have erupted over that. There was one couple that was BANNED because of the incessant fights!

I had a question about the nc letter. Was it sent to the OMW also? Has she been informed of the affair and the child? It is extremely important that she be told about this.

Melody - she was pregnant by her husband when the affair started. But now that you mentioned it, I have concerns about that too.

Mel & Believer...

S & C's affair consisted of only OS on OM...But S&C stills needs to tell OMW...S&C, what are you planning to do about this?

Mrs. W

That is correct, intercourse was never part of the A. Just OS, me to him.

As far as the XOMW is concerned....I must admit, I don't think it is my place to tell her.

But, allow me to explain....they lost their ONLY child (17 y/o) in a car accident the week of Thanksgiving. I cannot even imagine a loss like that (ML - I'm hugging you right now).

From people I have spoken to about losing a child, a H & W grieve very differently - he turned to me in his time of need and wasn't there for his W. However, from what I have heard they are doing much better M-wise. The grief is STILL overwhelming.

I can not expose to her - and I don't think my H should either. They have gone through enough and honestly, I don't want to completely ruin this woman's life, what is left of it anyway.

Does this make sense?

Mrs. W - You are 110% right, I will not be reading my H's posts....he needs to deal with this and get his thoughts out and lean on all of you.

It's too painful to read - I am done.

Thank you - am I still "one of your favorites" or has that been blown out of the water? :-) That comment literally made my day!

Bless you.

S&C, it is very much your place to expose to her, it is your moral obligation. You harmed her, after all. This affair did not happen ALONE and she must be told.

I agree that you probably shouldn't be the one to tell her, but you might ask your H to do it. If not, it will be your obligation to inform her, even it is via letter.


But you already did that by having an affair with her H. Don't compound the crime by refusing to tell her what you have done. Truth is the SOLUTION to adultery, not more lying.

She should have the same opportunity to save her marriage that your H was afforded. She will never have that chance until someone has the decency to tell her there is a problem.

After all, this is information about HER LIFE to which she has A RIGHT. Details about her life are being cruelly withheld from her.

As a woman who has had a child killed, I find it particularly offensive that you think we are too stupid or weak to handle the truth about our OWN LIVES. It is just the opposite, we have more strength to handle live's tragedies than most people.

Please have some compassion, s&c. Tell the woman the truth about her life. Hasn't she LOST ENOUGH? Please give her a chance to SAVE her marriage. She cannot possibly do that unless she knows the truth.

S&C...

Yes, you are still one of the "good guys", as I believe that you are sincere about wanting guidance in how best to restore your marriage with the Marriage Builders Program...With that in mind, I will tell you that Dr. Harley advises that the BS MUST ALWAYS be told the truth...Always here means just that...ALWAYS...there is no other way...

S&C, what you MUST see is that telling the OMW the TRUTH about her life is NOT what will cause pain...The Affair is what will cause her pain...Sadly you and her WH didn't worry much about hurting her while you were engaging in the affair...It is too late for you to begin caring for OMW...the damage to her is done...Now she must be told the truth about her life...and be allowed the choices that she was originally denied...Anything less than the truth will further victimize her...


Mrs. W