Well I think our relationship is finally over. I am starting to think that I am just not capable of forgiveness on a large scale like this. Instead of getting better, things just keep getting worse. I just keep hating him more and more. The anger and hate I feel towards him is completely overwhelming any love and compassion I had/have. Every time I do feel love and compassion for him it just reminds me of how much he hurt me and makes me hate him a little more. I hate myself for not being able to forgive but I think I am simply not capable of forgiveness like this. I wish I was.

I feel like he has ruined my life with this and ALL he had to do was be faithful to me. Now look what has happened just because he wanted some sex. Unbelievable. I'm taking a year off school because I can't handle things. I just can't even function any more. I went from a very strong and ambitious woman to just completely depressed and not caring about my future at all. I just can't believe that if you love someone you could do so much damage. The only conclusion I can come to is that he just didn't care. He knew how much I trusted him and how difficult that was. He knew my background with my family and how hurt I had been. He didn't care, he just did what he wanted. I just can't help but feel like my life is over and it's his fault.

I keep wishing I could make him suffer the way he made me suffer. But he'll never know the pain I feel, ever. He'll never understand everything he put me through. I'm not sure what else to do to make this pain go away. Not to mention the fact that the OC is due in August and we are no where near rebuilding our relationship so how in the world would we withstain that? I guess I've pretty much just given up...on a lot of things. I loved him with all of my heart and I gave him everything I had to give and it obviously wasn't enough, so I don't know what else to do. All I ever wanted to do was to love and be loved, I don't understand why that is so much to ask. Now I just wish when he called me to tell me that he had cheated on me and she was pregnant that I had just broken up with him and never talked to him again. I just want to forget he ever existed and forget this ever happened. I can't deal with it any more.

Really what I would like to do is have other relationships now. Nothing serious just date again. And then just tell him to call me after the OC has been born and it's over. It's amazing how one simple act can screw up so many lives so completely.

{{wewill}} since you are not married, I think your decision is for the best. It is not a good way to start a marriage. Good luck to you, sweetie.

WWR,

forgivness does not come over night. stop expecting to click your fingers and to have forgiven. It is a process that can take quite a while and it is a two way street, he has to earn it for it to be worth anything.

Everything you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. we all go through stages like this. sometimes is is one step forward and two steps back.

When i would get into mood like this, i would go out with my girlfriends and have the best time i could. it gave me a break, some breathing room and helped me find perpective.

So what is you partner doing about how you feel? do you feel like he is putting in enough effort to help your relationship heal, or putting in enough effort in the right places?

Big hugs

Carolyn

I understand every single word you said, I have felt everything that you feel and still do at times, it is hard, and you guys had so much stacked against you, with the not being married and the miles between you. It takes sooooo much to rebuild a relationship and the miles in between you guys made it almost impossiable for you guys to do what needed to be done.

I am so sorry that you are going thru this, and wished I had a magic wand to wave and find the answers on how to make a go of it with the miles in between. Maybe it is best to step back for a while, find yourself again, make your self strong and bappy. If that is what you decide then I hope the very best for you, and that you do find the love that you deserve. Hugs!

TS, FF, and Carolyn had some very good words for you. I'll add in that I believe you're making the right decision. You're much too young to be feeling this way and continuing a relationship and possible marriage with water under the bridge so to speak and excess garbage.

As far as feeling better, that's a tough one. Get enough exercise, rest and do things that make you happy. The best revenge is living your life to the fullest and being happy. You make the choice to be happy. Put a smile on your face when you're not feeling like it etc.

Get back with the program, finish school, date etc. and who knows eventually you may work things out. In the mean time take care of yourself first and all everything else will fall into place.

Thanks to everyone for the support!

Carolyn,

That is what bothers me so much. He has done everything he could do. He doesn't go out much any more. He goes out with his guy friends only...not even when their girlfriends are there. He tells me where he is going to be with who and for how long. He is open and honest with me. He doesn't talk to OW at all. When I get mad at him and say mean things to hurt him, instead of retaliating he just tells me that he loves me and he just holds me. He is a wonderful person and I know that...but I guess I am just not ready to let go of the anger yet. I think it makes it difficult for me to face because he is so compassionate and kind to me and trying so hard. It would just be easier if I could just hate him all together, or if I could just forgive him. This middle ground is awful! I am finding that not being with him is almost harder than the prospect of forgiving him. We just fit so well and our relationship was so wonderful. It all boils down to the fact that I don't seem to be able to forgive him. I know it doesn't come easily but I feel like it should be a little bit better since it happened four months ago. But it feels like it happened yesterday!


To those who mentioned the fact that we aren't married. It is true that it is hard to start a marriage after something like this, but I think it's even harder to continue one. Afterall, a bigger commitment would have been broken had we been married. Either way, I guess whatever happens happens and I'm just going to try to live my life...even if I don't think it will ever be as fulfilled as it could have been with him. Perhaps it is silly to say but he is/was "the one". Yes, I'm sure I'll love again. But no one will ever compare to him, I know that.

Why is it so hard to forigve someone you love so much? I don't get it. Maybe it's just me. It seems like if you really love someone you should be able to "love them no matter what".

Thank you again to everyone!

I also think you have made the right choice. I would never go into a marriage where he cheated on me before he even spoke the vows! And a child from it on top of that. Wonderfull honeymoon, huh? So sorry for your pain. I hope you will heal soon.

WWR, i hate to say this but 4 months, in this situation is a drop in the ocean.

i personally dont see any difference between being married in this siutation and geing engaged/BF-GF. i dont think it hurts less. I dont think you feel any less betrayed.

in my situation, h was fiance when he slept with ow and we married after d-day. i know it is possible to have a happy marriage after this nightmare.

i think that having those feelings of anger and rage are perfectly normal for where you are in the recovery. you are greiving for your old relationships and all of your old dreams of how things would and should be. anger is a natural part of that process and do doubt it will continue for a while longer. It is good that your partner is able to tolerate how you feel without retreating. beleive it or not that will go a long way to helping you get over this phase more quickly.

if you are determined to leave the relationship, that is of course you decision and i completely understand where that comes from. but you should know that it is not as hopeless as it feels right now. there is light at the end of the tunnel be it on your own or rebuilding with fiance.

big hugs

carolyn

Hi WWR,


Been there, too. But what you need to keep in mind is that you dont want someone who 'compares to him'. HE could not remain faithful. HE hurt you tremendously. When you love again, and are loved by a mature, faithful man, there will be no comparison. Hands down, your 1st love will fall by the wayside.

I had thought I'd never get over my 1st love (4 years, end of high school and engaged). I eventually wished I'd broken up with him. Blinded by young love, I ignored many character flaws (many could be attributed to our ages/maturity, but they were still valid). Ultimately, he would not have been a good husband to me. Ultimately, it's good the relationship ended. I wish he could have done it in a more mature way, with much less damage, but I'm glad to have not wasted more years with this man.

And I dont compare my love for him to others. I love smarter and stronger than I ever did in my youth. Then I was selfish and soaked up love, now I give and participate. It really doesnt compare. - Dru

I always think it is funny that everyone thinks that he is my first love. I suppose it is because of my age. Actually, he is my third love. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I guess I assumed it was your first Grand Love because you said you said you dont think anyone can compare to him. If you've gotten over two other losses before, I'd have thought you'd not have such despair. I am sorry. That it's not your first doesnt make it hurt any less, but at least you know that you havent necessarily lost your the best make you could find. You know you can recover.

Third at 23? I dont know if most people dont find three Grand Loves in a lifetime? Please take care - Dru

I'm so sorry for your pain...I wish you nothing but the best. You should do what is best for you.

Carolyn,

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am not really determined to leave the relationship I just don't want to hurt any more and I don't know how to make it go away. I guess I just thought that we would be able to get to a pretty steady place before OC was born and it doesn't look like that is going to happen at all. So I don't know how I will be able to handle the OC being born if he and I are still at odds. Did you make significant process before OC was born? I am just affraid I am going to have some kind of nervous breakdown or something.


Drucilla,

Hmm perhaps I am lucky or cursed lol. The first was when I was pretty young. The second one I was planning to marry but obviously that didn't work out. This one is simply not the same (of course, we always say that about current relationships). I know I have loved before and I know I will love again. As far as him not being faithful, you're right. I do want someone who is faithful. But I also think there is a difference between a mistake and unfaithfulness being a part of his character. This is not a repeated thing and I know he is sorry. He is in therapy as well to try to figure out exactly why this happened etc.

And, I would have thought I wouldn't have had such dispair either. I mean I know what it is like to lose love. I think it is the circumstances. In past relationships it was because the relationships just weren't working, we grew apart...not compatible I suppose. This time, it is one mistake. Other than that our relationship was fine. I understand what led up to the affair. It seems like there should be "life after the affair" especially for us. We had a great relationship and we were happy. I think it is just me...that somehow I don't know how to forgive or something.

crazyhurt,

Thank you very much, I really appreciate that. I am so sorry for you and every other person who has had to go through this. It never ceases to amaze me how such a seemingly simple "mistake" can cause such drastic results.

I'm so sorry for your pain, too.

Time does heal... but not all, I suppose.

We care here.. please let us know how you are.

Eibrab

My dear.... he has NOT ruined your life. No one can ruin your life but YOU by the choices that YOU make.

I know you are hurting. Your BF has done a truely rotten thing. But it could be worse. He could have done this a few years down the road, he could have done this after you were married and had a few children of your own. Then you`d be in a fine mess.

You there are literally MILLIONS of men you could love who could love you back. MILLIONS!!! There is no such thing as a soulmate. Do not buy into that crap.

As much as this hurts it is a valuable learning experience for you. It has lead you here to MB and I assume that you have gone through the entire site and read through all the material. So now you have a solid headstart on your future relationships. You now know how a good solid relationship should work. You are going to be well prepared for your future. The man you eventually marry will be very lucky.

I do not think your BF is a keeper. I think you will have too much NEEDLESS baggage going into this. Your BF is stuck with this situation....however YOU are not. You are not stuck dealing with OW/OC for the rest of your life. You are not going to have to write out those monthly CS checks for years on end. You do not have to begin your life in a financial hole.

You are free. You can walk away. You can go on to bigger and better things. You can pick and choose through those millions of men until you find the right guy. And with your newfound knowledge you will be ahead of the game.

Every moment you remain with your BF is a moment lost IMHO. You are wasting valuable time. You could be out there with your friends/at school/at work enjoying your life instead of worrying and feeling sad and upset with this turn of events. This is not YOUR problem.

I think you ought to count your blessings here, learn the lessons and then walk away from this. You can do MUCH better.

Hugs and prayers for you both. That is great that he is trying to be understanding and all but Time and forgiveness are the only healers in this all. I know from experience that is for sure. Try and stay healthy yourself or else his mess up will end up ruining you --and that is what it sounds like it is doing. I know that the hurts my H has caused has almost made me feel like not living anymore--so trust me the pain is real--but some how each and everyone of us has to distance ourselves from the pain that other people cause us and decide how to best go on for OUR OWN SAKE!!! Hang in there

WWR, looking back i dont think we did make too much significant progress before the OC was born. We both made individual progress i think. We both learned to deal with the reality of the situation, accept it, which can be quite hard to do. We also re-established our bond if that makes sense. we had to establish the new parameters of our "new" relationship becuase the old one died on d-day.

But as far as healing goes, i think that is a gradual progress that is partly to do with the couple and partly to do with the individual.

I think at the moment you are flipping around the stages of grief. One moment you are in denial and the next you are trying to bargin and another you weep over the injustice of it all. It is all perfectly normal and soon hopefully some of the burn will start to fade. just a little bit and then a bit more. i think the key here is to keep talking to each other about what you are going through, both of you. each time you do it is a step in the right direction.


hugs

Carolyn