WH had a 2 yr A. D-day was 2/1/06. Kicked him out that night and he's been living w/his married buddy since. Did plan A for nearly a month. Did plan B on 3/19 and emailed copies to H' family and select friends. Exposed A to OW friends via email w/copies of her emotionally deranged emails to H. H cut off contacts w/OW 2 days later.

H is seeing IC. We started seeing MC two days ago. H is hesitant about moving back because he fears going back to the old ways. His IC advised him to listen to the "little voice" that's telling him not to move back. So I never mentioned it again. Last night over dinner, he said he would be moving back in this weekend. I said, I'm surprised that he is.

Now, I'm not quite sure if I'm ready for him to move back in just because he's been feeling fearful all along and feels he's being forced to. I once mentioned that by moving back, we can implement the changes we need to make in our marriage and we can't do it living apart. I'm also unsure if he has completely cut off ties with the OW.

Any sound advise from anyone out there?

Thanks.

Me: BS 46
WH 42
M 3 yrs
Together 6 yrs

Wow - excellent work.


huh?

Who told you this, your H?

How do you know he cut OW off? He told you?

Now's the smartest time to get professional guidance from one of the MB counselors. Save the $$ on that IC and spend them where the track record is proven.

But first order of business is a NC letter that he writes and YOU send.

WAT

Wait a minute - did he meet all your conditions in your Plan B letter? All of them?

WAT

Hi Worthatry,

Thanks for your reply.

H told me he cut off contacts w/OW. MC asked him if he did. He said yes.

We talked earlier today and told him that if he feels pressured into moving back home, I would rather that he did not. Interestingly, he thanked me and said he gave it a lot of thought and felt that it is something that we need to do. We both agreed that we would try to respect each other's bounderies once that is set.

I did not pressure the NC letter because the exposure emails I sent to the OW's friends and co-workers plus one to her eldest child was like the atomic bomb neither one expected. Her emails to H made her extremely emotionally unbalanced, deranged, delusional and "Fatal Attraction" type that contained threats against me if H did not leave me for her. Since H and OW work off an on in the same industry, their, especially hers, image is tarnished.

H is the only one getting IC. I have noticed a difference in him, for the better. He's a lot more warm, not angry like before.

Of course, only time will tell.

We're planning to take a cruise within the next two weeks.

I wouldn't have him move back. He needs to be absolutely sure, and be willing to offer you some protection. Instead, I would "date" him for awhile and see how things go.

We have been dating all along and seen each other 3-4/week.

About 2 wks ago, I had just about had it with his anger and resentment after sending exposure emails to OW's email contacts. I told him I wanted a divorce because I was done. We talked until 2am that morning. That morning, he called and asked if I would reconsider and go to MC. Mind you, I've been the one suggesting MC all along. I asked why? What's the point? He said, he still loves me (we both do) and that he doesn't want to wonder down the road what would happen if....we did some counseling.

When the OW called H crying following the emails I sent to her friends, H told her, the A was a mistake and that she needed to find someone who is available and that he's going to work on his marriage. The OW said,"I can't believe I waited all this time and this is what I get. You will never be happy with her (me)". I sent the exposure emails on 3/28. She called H the day after.

So, to his credit, he was the one who wanted the MC.

Number one, he should not be "announcing" that he is moving back. It should have been POJA'd.

Number two, he should be willing to do ANYTHING to make changes to recover the marriage.

I just am a little afraid about all of this. It seems like it is very soon, and he is not all that into doing what he needs to do to make things better.

My other concern is that he had a 2 year A, and you have only been married 3 years.

I understand what you're saying. I do have some reservations as well. We share the same fear of not wanting the marriage we used to have. I also acknowledge that I also have to make some changes with myself like becoming a better listener. I've seen improvement in him during this short time.

But I will reconsider perhaps delaying it and see what happens.

Thank you so much.

Somewhere there is a list of how to tell if the WS is ready to move back home and work on the marriage. I'm away from home for a couple of weeks and don't have it. Hopefully some of the experts will come along and pitch in.

So you weren't really in Plan B, right?

No NC letter, don't let him home.

You hold the cards and, given the history, should hold out for WAY more assurance than the typical "wanna come homer".

JMHO

WAT

Let me clarify the "dating all along".

Kicked in plan B on 3/19. Coincidentally, H was out of state on business for 2 weeks. The following week, I started to received blocked ID/hang up calls. On 3/28-29, to ensure my safety, I emailed OW's friends along w/3 of her emails to H. Never contacted H, but OW called H crying about emails. Then OW called H and cried again when her eldest child got my email. This is when H told OW to move on and the A is over.

H comes over the following day. We talked. He hands me a Tiffany gift he bought while on business. He's only done that twice. A week later and after much talk about rebuilding our marriage, we dated. Did things we didn't used to do like going to a club, listen to live music and dance. The last time we danced was ove 5 years ago when we met. This is one of those "positive" changes since.

But, yes, I still have some unanswered questions which I will ask before this weekend. Thanks for injecting dose of reality.

SGL

Sounds promising.

I stringly recommend you ask for a NC letter from your H. Just going thru the motions could be clensing for him and hopefully provide a final nail in the coffin.

Just watch your backside and don't get complacent.

WAT

Thanks for keeping up with me WAT.

He invited me to a mixer last night. I wasn't my usual warm and fuzzy b/c I've been rethinking about him moving back in this weekend. I told him about my apprehension. I told him I didn't want him to move back because I wasn't quite sure if he actually cut off all contacts w/OW; and that she could be waiting in the wings as she has done all this time.

He offered I could check his email and phone records. But I said, he could still call her with a calling card or set up another email account and I wouldn't know it. He agreed b/c both offers a false sense of security. But he doesn't know what else he can do to prove it's over. Then I said, the only way I know for sure that the A is over is for him to send her an email and a copy to me. He said he'd "think about it".....hmmmm

So we'll see.

no, not an email with a copy to you- he writes the letter and you mail it.

What were you other stipulations in Plan B?
are they being met?

Is your MC promarriage?

If he can afford a tiffany gift for you, surely you can afford a joint session with Steve Harley. Make that part of the agreement of him moving home - you will poja it after a meeting with Steve.

Have you two discussed the ENs?

Don't rush- recovery is not a race.

No "think about it." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He provides you with a draft NC letter for you to approve. If it's OK, YOU click the send button. Make a paper copy and YOU send it in the snail mail.

Complete openness with e-mail accounts, cell phones, etc.

That said, you do have to take some risks. All recoveries start this way. Since I never got this far, I'm not the best one to advise you, however. Seek some advise on the In Recovery board.

WAT