Well, i posted last week (or could it be the week before, my days are blurred) about finding out that H depression was an affair as well.

He has been staying at home some nights, and with her some nights - more with her. Leaves when teh kids go to bed.

He says he is so confused - loves us all.

We went to see a MC - sposed to go back there next week but being easter weeekend and easter hols can't get in until the 1st May.

Went to see his psych together and the psych was very demanding on him to make up his mind and can't put me/kids in limbo like this.

See, he even admitted in a text that he does have the best of both worlds, but also the worst of both worlds. That he's never been this miserable in his life.

Then, yesterday afternoon after texting me all day about incidentals he says 'Im staying at Ruth's until Sunday. Be home early Sunday morning so we can take the kids to the Easter Show'.

Well - today is Friday (public holiday), tomorrow Sat (what do i tell the kids - no dancing or sport so where is daddy), Sunday - sure he'll be here, but Monday is a public holiday too - again what do i tell the kdis.

He said that Sunday night he will have made a decision about staying in the city or staying at home. I know, not just about him liking the affair, he likes the bright lights of living there in the centre of the city.

I can't believe he is not home for the kids. This is the father that CONSTANTLY was there - the one taht people said 'I wish my DH would be like Mark' Now he's not even here for Easter Break.

So - since that text at 4.30pm I haven't contacted him. (Actualy I did once but that was later). He msgd about 4 more times since then, about silly things again, our normal convos that we always had. But I didnt respond.

Then at 8.40 I get one taht says 'I know that you have a touch of them with me and fair enough but I just want to know whether you got home ok and if CJs (daughters) filming went ok'.

So an hour later (cause honestly I didnt see the text I was trying to put other 2 wee ones in bed) I answered him.

'Hi, CJ is at Mums, ring her there an ask her. I let her sleep there so that she won't wonder where you are tonight, at least that's one more day of my not having to field questions from her. By the way, my letter still stands. See you on Sunday, Nite.'

And I haven't written since - nor has he.

I am falling apart. I stayed in bed until 10am and the 3 year old and 18month old had destroyed the loungeroom by the time I got up and i just fell in a heap on the floor crying. I took a photo of it with my phone and was going to send it to him and show him what it's like without him, but resisted.

BTW - the bit where I said 'my letter still stands' is that on Wednesday night I wrote him a 'love letter' based on Men are from Mars book. Using all the words they suggest to use, that 'men' understand. I said that I believed he would think I would never forgive him for affair. That I believe I would, that I think I already had, but that I cannot forgive the too-ing and fro-ing from the city.

And that I need some needs met> I need to know that he wants to work on resolving this etc.

This has been a very long winded email and Im sorry. I am just at my wits end. The younger 2 are in the shower so that I have 10 mins to write this.

I just want to stay inside in bed all day, but cant' of course.

My biggest wish is that today - with absolutely no contact he will go 'OMG, I need my family' and come home
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Because it really is constant contact. Even tho he talked about 'trial separation' and all that jazz, we would be msging like usual about 10 times a day, at least. When he left he would kiss me and hug me good bye.

I did think Plan A woudl work. I was trying so hard with Plan A, not to do relationship things, to talk about 'life' but Mark has always been a weakling when it comes to making decisions and OW obviously has the claws in very deep.

I did email him part of a letter from this website about the 'addiction' of an affair' and in that text to him last night i said 'sent u an email' but I dont think he has access to work email from anywhere except work and home. Was thinking if he did msg me today I'd tell him i opened up a hotmail addy for him so I could email him and he could read it anywhere -but again - that's contact and as I ssaid 'I think he needs Plan B for anything to happen. Even though Plan B - if he choses her (who wont even be in the country after September and is leaving on a hol back to her home in the UK in May) if he choses her will kill me.

I know he still loves me

God I am so friggen neeedy - I can see it as I type.

Im sorry!!

was just htinking when in the shower!

I was really going to fight for him - really going to use Plan A to the fullest.

Was going to take the kids into his work in the hols (we get 2 weeks holidays for easter here) to have lunch with him etc etc.

Should I msg hiim? Should I send that messy photo of the loungeroom and instead of saying 'this is what the kids did whilst I was crying in our room' i could say 'see what the kids did this morn before i got up!'

should i not move to plan B yet?

So confused......

Wish you all had the magic answer!

Justine

juzzie,
Welcolm to Mb forum. You've found the best place in the world to help you through these very hurtful times in your life.
Have you read all the basic concepts on the site before you enter the forum?
What your seem to be doing does not sound like a really good Plan A. Have you read thoroughly about Plan A and how to implement it?
It's certainly not about being a doormat while your WH sits on top of the fence and becomes a cake eater. You need to be very clear about YOUR boundaries in your M and make WH understand that you will NOT be his doormat.
You will also need to be proactive in breaking up his A, and this will require you to do the necessary exposure to do so. Are you up to this task? It will take a lot of courage and fortitude to do so, but the rewards to your M will be tremendous.
You have not lost this war yet, but you need to have a battle plan to continue. Please read up on Plan A and continue to post here. The calvary is on the way very shortly.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Thanks ShineThrough,
I went and read teh basic concepts. I find it hard to be able to do those things when he is not here to do them with. Everything is virtually by SMS.

I have tried to be proactive in breaking up the A. The family knows, but he still is in lala land about how he can be here with the kids and at family gatherings, but have her too. ANd I dont think that he 'has her' that much either - it is the escape from the reality of real life I think he likes.

I ended up getting a text from him this morning that said that he slept the best he has for weeks and he did miss the kids not jumping on him in the early hours of this morning,but he really needed the sleep. So do I see that as, he is getting a 'break' (yesterday/today) but will be right to come back Sunday to stay. Or, cause he got a good night sleep it was because he was there - so he'll stay there?

I am very up to the task and I am desperately trying to find a clear understanding of Plan A, but it is very hard to find on the site. Could you pleaes point me in teh right direction?

Just on another note, everything here is in limbo. there are 'boys' jobs to be done around the house and he's not here to do them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He is getting his WS fix as long as you communicate with him. Instead he needs to see, hear and feel his loss. You and your children need to plan B him.

Yea, he's their dad but he sure isn't acting like it.

BTW, Ruth is the OW?

L.

turn your phone off...

turn the texts off...

go dark this weekend without any official plan B letter..

if you plan B someone based on something like he has done it loses its impact...
he will see it as a knee jerk reaction to his moving out...and will view it as
little wifey is just a little uspet right now..she'll calm down....

but go dark....
Saturday night text him and tell him that there is NO point in him coming to any type of Easter celebration as Easter is a very religious holiday and since he is not interested in being and living a life that honors God...and had instead chosen to abandon his children for his girlfriend there truly is NO reason for him to come around and celebrate EASTER....

it is the truth..
tell him the truth..

then leave early or better yet take the children somewhere else on Sunday and be NOT FOUND...
I am serious about the easter show...
do not play in to his plan to make this all appear normal..

also make plans on TUESDAY to seek legal counsel it block RUTH...from having access to your children..

make it clear to husband that you WILL NOT ALLOW him to expose the children to her that you will not pretend that it is normal for DADs to have girlfriends in their childrens lives while married....

and that you are still the mom...

your husband is being very cruel right now...and glossing it over in civility...block the assinine texts about how well he slept..

fill this weekend with support do you have family and close friends....

where are HIS parents...
how old are the kids...

i am sorry he is behaving thusly..

you are safer in the sanity realm NOT to be exposed to his chaos...

deep breathly
pray hard...

seek grace and clarity...

light a candle
put on music..
fill your home with wholesome for you are brave and doing the honorable thing....

take pride that you DO not and WOULD not want such a soul-loss man in your or your children's world right now..

and he and ruth are playing a game of lies and mistrust..

any woman
A N Y W O M A N
that invites in to her home a man who abandons children is a vile vile woman....with no honor..
for what she accepts and tolerates that he does to you...
she must accept and tolerate that he can and will do it to her....

be proud that you are not her...
for when the look at eachother the only real thing reflected is the matching foulness of their actions...

his that he does
and
those that she accepts and condones...

blessed are you....

ARK

He is in a fog right now and you are enabling him in his A. You need to set boundries for him. I know you will miss him and you need help with the kids, but, he needs to know that you are not going to let him go on with this. He needs to choose. H thinks he can have both of you..When he doesn't get that fix from you or the kids, he is going to start to miss you when he is with her. He might start to come out of the fog and see what he is doing.

Be strong with yourself and with your kids, let him think that you don't need him. Don't show him any pics of the mess the kids made. If you feel overwhelemed and depressed then you take care of yourself, the mess can wait. I know it is hard to get up and do anything when you feel this way, but it will get better and your kids need you to be strong. Try not to let them see you cry. I hope that there is family or friends that can come over and watch your kids and help you clean, or let you sleep or just to talk. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

God Bless and keep posting, it does make one feel better to know that there are people who care.