I am the liar. My wife just found out that I had an affair. She confronted me with records of text messages and phone calls that I could not deny.
We have been married for 8 years and are the best of friends. We are always in touch with one another. We support each other’s endeavors and have a policy of agreement that I have obviously failed on. We had issues like my porn habit, my income and spending habit, and my close relationship with my brothers. But never did she suspect that I could have an affair. Women can sense when something is wrong. But I lied and lied even more.
I began the affair a couple of months back when she went out of town and I took the opportunity to explore. The thrill and excitement was short. I already have a woman who I love more than anything in the world and I could not continue a relationship with some one else. She confronted me on where I was when I was not with her and I lied. I lied to my teeth and she broke me down. I was not with another woman, when she was looking for me. I was feeding my porn habit and lied that I was elsewhere. It was then that I found this website as we tried to reconcile. I lost her trust not on the affair at first – she did not know as I was still lying.
While life moved on as we were dangling on our marriage path. We found bliss as this website was able to furnish us with tools to solidify our marriage. Unfortunately my short affair sprouted back as she got evidence of what happened. I had a prepaid phone that I used when I had the affair. In no time she was able to retrieve messages and find out details on the other woman.
In a whirlwind my whole world crumbled as she asked me to move out. The room was not open for discussion. We agreed in the past that if we would ever have an affair that we would tell the other before it even began.
Her father did the same thing. One affair after the other and she swear that she will not let that happen to her. She simply wants to separate and that is final no questions asks. It has been 3 days since she asked me to move out and I am still in denial. I do not want it to be over. I love her and I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep our marriage. I asked her if we can see a counselor and she says no. All she wants to do is to take care of her self right now. She says that she needs to be on her own.
I have to move out this weekend and I am lost. I scheduled with a counselor next week to figure things out. I’ll be paying for her rent so I am limited to staying with my brother or a friend. She wants to move on and think of only her self right now. Why in the world would she need to think of me right now? I ask her if she still loves me and she says no. All she can see right now is how I went out of my way to hide the affair and how I betrayed her.
I need her. I love her. I do not want to lose her – but I already have. I feel like a wreck right now. The church has been a good sanctuary this past couple of days and it has given me some answers. My vision on the past events is still cloudy and I would greatly appreciate any feedback.

Call Steve and get with a plan. A good plan. Work on permanent improvements.

Give her time to heal. No guarantees cuz you gave her reason to kick you out. But if you are a truly repentant and now Xws, then there maybe a chance. Most Ws' have a hard time convincing the BS they are genuine in recovery. A lot of trust is lost.

You have your homework cut out for you.

Does your W read here? How can we post to her?

L.

Thank you for the reply.

I am still in denial on the whole thing. But I am taking steps liking moving out this weekend. Just small steps right now - trying to be sure not to make any mistake. Trying to move forward is difficult.

I will defintely need a plan as soon as I get my feet off the ground. I will have to be build myself to be the man she married. She loved me once and hopefully she would love me again.

I don't think she reads here. Not yet sure how you can post to her.

As this is mostly my word that I am repentant and now Xws it is still too soon to rebuild her trust.

Sorry to hear you have to move out. This w/b a very vulnerable time for you. So how do you plan to keep busy and win back her trust? Do you want or need a plan? Why r u in denial? Denial of what?

L.

ejp,

I feel your pain. I did something similar six yrs ago twice in a month and then kiss another 3 yers ago. My wife just found out 3 weeks ago. Women are very intuitive and can sense so much, must be a special power God has provided to them. Unfortunetly for me, she had to drag a lot of what I did out of me as I thought by only saying a little would ease the pain to her, not the case because I'm a poor liar.
This will take some time and continue to read on.

You are right this is an extremely vulnerable time. I do not want to do anything bad to aggreavate the situation. I will still need a plan. I am just contemplating everything that has happened and also try to understand my own needs right now. I am the culprit in this crime. Yet I feel that I am also a victim. I am in denial about the whole separation. I could not let go. After work, I drive by the house just to make sure that she is home and safe. I call her mom, friends, and relatives daily to check how she is coping up. Other people have said that we should always choose our battles. But this seems to be a battle that I will not win. I am a very optimistic person. Yet each day that we are apart the pain becomes greater and the hope of a reconciliation is fading in the distance. I am trying to move away from thinking right now. Questions like will she forgive me, trust me and love me are all I keep asking. Everyone is telling me to give her space and let the wounds heal. Which is easier said than done. Patience is not my greatest virtue yet it will have to be at this time. Until we can communicate properly this will all be a one way struggle for us both. Thank You for sharing your input.

ejp, empathy is your biggest ally right now. The best I think you can do right now is to try to understand how she is feeling. She owes you nothing.

Dear ejp,
Speaking as a BW, all your wife needs/wants to hear is reassurance.
Maybe what I'm going to write may give you a glimpse of what she is going through. I may be wrong, I don't know your W, but these feelings are what I had and are very common from what I have read. Also my sitch is very similar to yours. I apologise in advance if this makes hard reading for you. I'm not intending to hurt you, just show you.

You can not possibly imagine the burning pain, shame, fear, deep sorrow and mistrust she feels now.
Everything that you had together has collapsed.
She probably feels that your marriage is "stained" and "tainted" forever by your betrayal.
She can not even believe that you are "you".
This is because you have not been "yourself" while you have been cheating and lying.
Everyone here understands that you have lied, "with her best interests at heart". But, (if you read "lovinganyway" and believe it) that is totally disrespectful to your W. You are not giving her the oppurtunity to react or to trust you.
Maybe you could read here about how to regain trust after lying. Read the stuff about being an "alien".
With regards to your sitch, I do feel sorry for you. You made a mistake, you say you were happy, but be careful of rose tinted glasses.
Was this A based on curiosity and ego stroking and if so why?
What could it offer that your W couldn't?
I bet if you really consider this you will come up with the answer. "nothing...but I would have had to tell her that...." Supply your own reason.
"I need admiration."
"I need to feel she thinks I'm wonderful".
"I need to feel that special closeness that comes and goes between us more often."
I don't know if any of these apply to you. I'm just guessing.
All A's are selfish, but all that means is that deep down, maybe even hidden from yourself there is an EN of yours that is not being met. Read "His needs, her needs" to really get an insight.
When your W is ready to talk you need to remember that she will be the same. You may well have not been meeting her EN's either. But in a effort to "stay together", and "believe", you have both pushed these needs away and resigned youself to "being married".

You could have such a wonderful time together. You could build a totally mutually fullfilling realtionship where you care for each other exclusively and all the time.

I completely believe this. Not because I have been able to put it into practice (I have failed miserably this year while still harbouring resentment) I have a LOT of work to do. But I have read the book, "Surviving an affair" and I can see the sense and the LOGIC. It will work.

With regards to your wife telling you she hates you, doesn't love you etc.
I was the same. Some of it I'm ashamed to admit is childish "revenge" she wants to hurt you back.
Some of it is self-protection - there is no way right now that she is going to let you know she is feeling weak. You have exposed her to the bone. She will not be remotely willing to then expose herself to you any further.
You cannot expect anything from her, you must be the one who gives, gives, gives.
Buy the books, read them and then send them to her. You could write in the margins, underline parts that you agree with and let her see how much you want to WORK at putting your life back together.

Tell her you love her, but remember she will seem unwilling to accept it or believe it.
In her eyes you have rejected her in favour of another. There is no way that she will want to appear to be begging you to come back or seem whiny and clingy to you.
You have put her in an alomst impossible position where any display of affection or care from her, towards you, makes her feel (and appear) needy and also will probably make her question her sanity. "Why would I want this kind of "cheating lowlife" (sorry) to love me anyway?"
It will take her a LOT of time and reassurance to believe you, but please persevere.
On a different note,
how are your withdrawl symptoms? Please try and establish NC. IMHO it is the only way. Don't expect not to think of the OW, but understand the thoughts and re-focus on what you really want.
Hope this not too ranty and has given you a little insight into how your W may be feeling.
Kate xxx

A big Thank You. You have given me more than just insight with what you wrote. You showed me the bigger picture. I having been questioning myself for what I have done and my instant answer is that I have been selfish. It is the truth yet I also feel that I may have an EN that was not met.

We had brief talk recently and she was still very angry. She let me keep my key and it was ok to get my mail as long as she was not there. She said if we ever got back together it would only be ok if she got even by having an A. My mind spinned so fast that I am still not sure what I taught at that moment. I asked her if we can have at least a weekly talk and she said she would think about it.

I saw that she also has the same book, surviving an affair. I will pickup one tommorrow and take you up on highlighting the stuff I agree on. It will be a tough job to reassure her. She still has a lot of anger towards me that is definitely understandable. But my feelings of love for her have even grown more as I strive to make it a labor of love.

I know what I want and I have always gotten what I want. I have been pretty spoiled and this trial helped open my eyes. I have created my own prison and hopefully thru good behavior I can be free to love once more.