OW is having a birthday party for OC next week (turning 1). Things have been OK between us all, but OW is moving out-of-state with OC in a few months. We have all sat down and talked about it, visitation, CS and I told them that they needed to be able to talk about things for OC's sake and that we all are making sacrifices. It went well, I said what I needed to say w/o being mean or judgemental and I think she really appreciated it. (She cried and thanked me).

She invited us to OC's birthday party as a peace offering in a way I think. H has complained about not feeling like a father and that he wants to be included in OC's life. I'm just not so sure how I feel about attending. On the one hand it could go fine, on the other hand I've never felt any kindness from her friends. When we visited OC at her house, it was like I wasn't there and yet they were friendly with H.

I want to be able to do it for my family, but just don't know. If I don't go, I won't be comfortable with my children and/or H going. It isn't about me being worried about the two of them,but...it's very delicate as you all know. I'm thinking we should just go with the stipulation that I can say "it's time to go" if it gets to be too much. I know H doesn't want OW, but he acts very friendly to her just to pacify her. I just know something's going to happen that bothers me. Should I subject myself to this?? OR,how can I attend and stay strong. Anyone with any experience with this? What kind of frame of mind should I be in to help myself through it if I do go? Any advice would be appreciated.

Even if you don't have experience, how can I deal with this sticky, potentially uncomfortable situation with my head held high and not feeling like I'm an intruder.

As hard as it may be, this child is your step-c. Just in the same way you had no knowledge of the A nor did you give your consent, this child didn't either.

Only know what you can handle. You can be thankful that the OW is at least acting like an adult and has offered a peace offering. Think of your children and if you want them to ever blame someone for something they are not responsible for.

You have to seperate the child from the A. The A, the actions of your h and the OW, is the source of your pain,not the child.

If you think you will be able to handle it, I think you should go. I agree you should talk to your h beforehand and decide on a signal that means time to go.

How old are your children? Are they having difficulty dealing with the situation? If so, discuss a time-to-go signal they can do that will not draw attention to them if they start to feel uncomfortable. And maybe talk about a time before you go, plan on a set time and agree with it, like we will try to stay for 1 hour. If you stay shorter or longer that is OK but it may help you if you feel a trigger coming on at 40 minutes to encourage yourself, I can do 20 more minutes etc.

It will hurt. But you have to go through the hurt before you can heal from all of this.

My situation is 2 OC, 16 & 10, same OW, just found out 8 months ago and OW is demanding I never be allowed to even meet the children. My H has went extreme limited c and my ILs are pushing c and having the children at their home when they know he will be there without even consulting him. Fortunately, my h was able to stand up to them and tell them he will not let their planning of visits interfer with our family plans. I have respected the nc for me in the beginning because I really didn't think I was going to be able to stay married. I don't push for contact now because our 14 y d is having a hard time and I need to focus on her healing and then 2ndly our m. I know it will be so difficult when that day comes as I know each time you see your step-c, it hurts, but it isn't the child that is causing the hurt, the child is only triggering the hurt from the A.

Don't worry about any of the OW's friends. Who cares what they think or don't think. Have you mentioned how you felt last time to your h? Maybe you can talk about how to handle it this time and maybe when the start conversation with you he can draw you into the conversation, even if they continue to ignore you, he can continue to converse with you on the subject and they should get the picture. Otherwise, you can signal him and he can excuse himself from the conversation for a minute, to attend to your children or your step-c.

I wish you the best and hope you will post about how it went.

I can't advise on the birthday party...I have never been faced with such a dilemma...however, I'm sure the ladies here will give you some excellent input.

I will say kudos to you on the meeting with the OW and your H. You must be a special lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's not about the A anymore, although it's always there. OC does not remind me of A. I love her as I would love any child. She is a sweet baby girl who deserves love and acceptance.

I grew up in a single parent homw and saw my Dad every other weekend. My step-mom was there from the beginning (age 7) and she and my father never came to my birthday parties at my mother's. I had other parties with them. My mother and step-mother rarely occupy the same room and I think that's fine. I also think it's respectful of my father not to subject my step-mother to that. It shows his loyalty. When I was grown, things were more lenient, but my Dad was still at my step-mother's side...as it should be. So that's the experience I draw from when thinking of what my role is as a step-mother.



The problem is, I don't feel like OW's friends think of me as her step-mom. It's easy to say "why care what they think", but why would I subject myself to such attitudes. I'm fine with OC in my house, with my family. I'm even Ok when OW is here, but to have to deal with that when I did nothing wrong is just ludicrous. I don't know how people will see me now, it's been months since I've been subjected to that and things have somewhat changed so I think I will give it another try, with boundaries set with my H before hand.

Coldday, i dont think i could do that, go to ow's house for oc's birthday etc. if you are able to then you sooooo need a medal.

i do tend to think for this siutation to work, the oc has to exist in two SEPERATE families. If your H wants to feel more of a father then have a seperate party for the oc at your place at a later date.

hugs

carolyn

Ditto: why not have a separate party at your house??

Separate parties what "normal" step-families do! We have gone to some school things, but not to parties with OC's other relatives.

1yo OC won't remember all this anyway. Someday she'll see photos, so have another cake at your house, take photos of you and DH with OC, your children and anyone YOU want. You can give a soft baby photo book with copies of your family to baby, but keep copies for yourself and for OC when she's older. Whether things continue to go well or badly, you will have covered all your bases while retaining your dignity.

Your DH does *NOT* need to go to XOW's house to feel like OC's father!!! I'm highly against it.

That's my 2c; and congradulations for handling yourself so well!!
J
visitation 7yo OC

I didn't read the replies to your post, so don't what everyone else advised, but my advise is that none of you go. Have a separate BD celecebration at your home. The OC is just 1 year and will in no way remember it other than viewing a picture later in life.

There's way too much water under the bridge in most of these cases and civility and doing what's right by OC is one thing, but being one big happy family is NOT necessary in my opinion and causes further stress on everyone involved - BS/OW/COM/FWH and extended family and friends.

The children who are products of such and products of divorce, death of a parent, adoption etc. etc. if raised in a loving environment aren't going to suffer because everyone doesn't attend their birthday celebration.

We raised three children and never once had a holliday, BD or any other celebration with the children's other family. We had celebrations, gatherings with our family and extended family and the children had the same with their other parent's side.

What a great outcome for the kids. They get twice the loot etc.

Certainly, we all attended graduations, were together making decisions if there was an emergency hospital visit etc.,. In a sense, you're treating the sitchs as if they're joint business decisions. What's best for the business which in this case is the child. KWIM.

Just my two cents. This everyone having to gather at one location for the betterment of the child is way, way overrated and puts undo additional stress on all involved.

Sounds like good advice, on having two parties. Some of my childrens friends come divorce and they have it that way, and let me tell you I have heard these kids, they eat it up, they love having 2 celebrations for everything, I havnt heard any of them complain that both parents were not at one party, just that they get 2 and think it is great!

I agree with all the posts. We will have two celebrations for OC's birthday from now on. In this case though it is OC's first birthday and the invitation came on the tails of a bitter legal battle. I believe it was a peace offering on OW's part and that not attending may be seen as not accepting the peace offering. OW has never treated me rudely or over stepped her boundaries with my H, (Since H and I reconciled, that is).

No, I don't think OC needs or will ever care if we wre there.

My reservations are with her friends at the party, but we were all invited and she is my step-daughter after all, so I guess I have every right to be there as well.

I have set up guidelines with H...noting that we are ALL guests and that I will not appreciate sitting by myself or with our children while he plays happy birthday games with OC and OW. I let him know his #1 concern should be how I am doing since I am putting myself out to attend this event. He totally understands. Any ideas on code words to use in case I want to exit early :-)?>

Thanks for all your input, it IS a sticky situation, but I believe H's actions will help determine how it goes and hopefully he will "get it right". :-)

I'll let you all know next week.

I think the two Bday parties is an excellent idea ...
Last year for OC's 1st Bday, OW did the Baptism and Bday the same day. I did went to curch with DD ... it's the house of God and no one would make me feel bad there, as you said, I went with my head held high ... OW's parents were very nice, everyone was very nice except one of the sister's ...
I was not invited to the house for the Bday, xH went with DD ... I didn't want to go anyway ... it would have been very wierd ...

This year, things being so different, I'm thinking not even DD will go to OW's house. I'll steal the idea of having a second Bday party when the time comes.

I think I know how you feel about the friends ... yeah ... yeah ... they should not mean anything to you or to your family, do not let other people action's hurt you, but the truth is that no matter how much we try to not let other people's action affect us, they do ...

Coldday - If you go, then hold your head up high. Let your H know the boundaries ahead of time...he is not to play happy family.

Another good idea could be to go, bring the gift, thank her for inviting you all, but then leaving and planning a birthday celebration of your own. At least you all showed up, brought a gift, and you accepted her peace offering, but then you can roll out.

I'm still for non going at all. You can write her a note and thank her for the invitation and explain that it is best that you hold two celebrations. Why put yourself, your COM, your H and all of the other guests in the position of feeling ucomfortable and then having to use code words to exit. If you're not uncomfortable, be assured someone at the gathering will be. Going doesn't make sense to me.

Inanutshell,

I have to admit....I agree 100%.

I have a question ladies...how in the world can the friends and family members of the OW have the NERVE to treat the BS as some type of intruder? I don't get it...please enlighten me.

Mily - Question....if you weren't invited to the OCs birthday party, how did you feel about your DD and H attending? I don't know if I could let that one fly...and I don't mean from the OW's perspective.

OC turned 3 in feb. Ow and I planned his b-day party in which my H also showed up. At first I thought that I would be uncomfortable but it actually went alot smoother than I had imagined. There were times when I was uncomfortable, but I just made my self busy with the kids. Sometimes you have to let go and just be strong! I think I did it for myself to help in the healing process because I just don't want to live with the resentment anymore. Oc is back in my home even though H and I are seperated and it's just normal for us. It's like he is my child. Of course ow calls me to chat and I tolerate her. I decided that I was going to stop giving ow power over me and my family by facing her head on, because if it weren't her it would have been someone else with a different name and face. The problems in the marriage was there before and after her. I'm sure it escalated things into a much greater proportion but that's because we allowed it to. One thing for sure if all else fails I can say that I did the best that I could to make my marriage work. I'm letting go and letting God!

In my opinion NDIY, it has nothing to do with letting go, strength, resentment, different name,face tc. It also has nothing to do with letting OW have the power.

It's a business relationship. The business is raising the child. The majority of partners in business don't socialize together, have family gatherings together, etc. They get along well enough to run the business for the betterment of it (in this case the child) etc.

Bottom line if you felt uncomfortable, other people at the gathering felt uncomfortable. For what reason? The OC isn't going to remember birthday number 3 anymore than they're going to remember BD number 1. If you set a stable pattern and routine with children, that's what they get used to, are comfortable with and expect.

Again, this one big happy family suppodedly for the benefit of the child is nonsense. Bottom line, it just isn't one big happy family in the majority of cases and why put in the position of pretending it is.

coldday

I think if I were you I would attend the party this time, and graciously accept the invitation, and maybe even write a thank you letter for the invitation after the fact.

And then since you intend to have seperate parties in the future, I wouldn't say anything right now but I would communicate to the OW or have your h communicate -- in writing would be the preference, that you both appreciate her willingness to extend an invitation but after much thought you both believe you would like to have a party for your step-c each year also. Convey that you do not intend to offend, it is just what you would like to do to convey to your step-c that they are very much part of your family.

Maybe do this 3-4 months before the next b-day and maybe even tell her she is invited as well (MAYBE, you and your h really need to talk about this, MAYBE at least invite her to the party you host next year) and then it may work out that you each have 2 different parties and no one is offended.

It isn't about kissing the OW or H's rear, and I think you are going into this in the write way. Going to the first b-day party doesn't commit you to go to any more and since she thought to offer this as a peace offering, I don't see any problem accepting it and going.

I don't know if you live near the OW or not, but with my eldest step-d (my h's ex-w invited me and I invited her to any parties that we had in the beginning) and then it worked out to be better to have 2 seperate parties anyway and no one was offended. Your step-c will develop r with members of your family and friendship through activities she does with your family and vice versa. Unless both of you want to plan a party together (I would never do this)where all friends and family on ALL sides (OW,H,W) are invited, then 2 seperate parties work better and it is great if there is no conflict and tension between the adults and everyone realizes this.

Since you said a legal battle just ended, I wouldn't even mention 2 seperate parties right now, go & enjoy and hold your head high.

Maybe even arrange for a babysitter for your children and you and your h go out on a special date and have a romantic evening afterward.

As far as clue words, I don't know of any good ones. I was thinking more of a hand signal.

Plan a time limit ahead of time and maybe at the appointed time, your h could initiate smiling at you and taking your hand (you are h and w and I don't think this gesture should upset anyone or be perceived as rubbing something in anyone's face), if you are OK to stay a little longer, maybe you squeeze his hand while smiling. If it is time to go maybe you smile, but YOU DON'T SQUEEZE HIS HAND. Of course with some men you may have to practice ahead of time to make sure he knows what is a squeeze and what is not a squeeze <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If it gets too bad before the appointed time, you may excuse yourself to use the restroom, which would be a signal for your h to initiate holding your hand a couple of minutes after you get back and then he can be the one to announce you are going to go ahead and leave and give thanks for the invitation.

Ann

Well it worked out well, for me:-) My oldest son was running a fever and so I had to stay home with him and couldn't go. My youngest children got to go and open presents with OC, they had a great time and I didn't have to deal and had a valid reason :-).

I'm glad it worked out...but you may be faced with the same dilemma, so prepare yourself.

Bottomline: Don't go anywhere where your not comfortable...no excuses necessary.

I understand what you're saying hurt, but sometimes I have to ask myself am I making more of it than it is. I mean I'm sure there are going to be some more uncomfortable moments in the next 18+ years, but sometimes the benefits may outway the uncomfortableness.

For instance, my H has a 22 year old daughter from a girlfriend in high school. The child was put up for adoption, but she found her Mom and Dad and is in contact with them now (she lives 30 minutes away from her biological Mom). She is getting married soon and I will be attending her wedding. Her biological Mom will be there and let's just say, we knew eachother in high school and had the police called on us once :-). It won't be comfortable, but do I not go just because of that?

I think God had a hand in my son getting sick, I mean, he never gets sick and he was fine the next day. My youngest children got to go (the ones who would most have fun there) and I didn't have to deal. I think OW probably thinks son wasn't even sick (since he was fine the next day), but I think God helped me make that decision. Perhaps if I would have gone, he would have walked me through that too and I would have felt strong. Who knows, but sometimes you just have to consider more than just how you feel. Scared/uncomfortable or not, it may just all work out fine.

Please know I'm not arguing with you, just giving you another point of view :-).

coldday, you are so strong to have even consdiered it. Personally i would had to be dragged kicking and screaming. i think for me it would have been pushed beyond my boundries. I think it is amazing that you can consdier putting yourself in that situation for your loved ones. I hope they know how lucky they are to have you.