So...one of you thought that I should keep you people posted during this recovery.
Wed. eve we went to C together...I got there a few minutes prior to W, and was talking to my C...about me not feeling the same and having doubts of her love.
He said that things will never be the same...most likely as she has said...perhaps she can't give me a reason or a "why?" to how this stuff happened and I need to learn to get past it. He also quoted as AA sometimes says "fake it...till you make it". That I need to decide what kind of marriage I need, so there you go...a not so promising...at least to me last MC meeting.
I just feel sometimes that there is some hidden reason she wants to stay with me...and if I talk to her about it...she says "why do you beat me down?". Heck I just want to learn how to trust my feelings. Later.

Sounds like part of her problem is that it's still about her and her feelings, not you and yours. How long has she been in NC? This is normal during withdrawal, but after a couple months she should start to open up to you again.

Been quite awhile...nothing sexual for over a year...but she ran into him at Christmas time..

Maybe she meant that you need to "act" the part of the kind of marraige you want.

That when we change, the relationship has to change. Start acting like a husband who already has a wonderful marriage and wife, and maybe the dynamics will change and she will be forced to change as well.

Or after acting this way long enough you will decide that you have no choice but to end the marriage, because you have played the part, become the part and now you want the real deal.

I don't know Welder, just thinking out loud.

The counselor is a man....the part that it wanted to know was the whys...why after D day and NC did she stay out late? Why did she get scared and leave me over and over? The crazy things....for me having answers other than " I don't know...I've made bad decisions." Is hard for me to understand.
The counselor told me also...things will never be the same, this really kinda bothered me and let me search deeper in my heart if I can truly live a feel a trust that she loves me the way I need loved as a husband. Thanks.

Welder, the whys will come to light if she honestly tries to make hers a more examined life. But just straining to understand doesn't work, I don't think.

Patience. You both need lots of it. I'm worried she doesn't have enough.

GC

Not knowing if I'm 100 percent loved now is why I'm so insecure...does that make sense? The C said that is never a given even in another relationship there is no garantees but this one to me has a very small warranty.

Hey Welder,

I was listening to relevant radio, Father John Corapi said, "how do you feel when your hear of someone you know that is diagnosed with a terrible illness? When someone you love is struggling with a difficult disease? You are concerned about them and love them. This is how you should treat someone that is suffering with sin, treat them like they are struggling with an affliction."

Anyway, this made a lot of sense to me on how I can love the sinner and hate the sin. The affair is something that is a plague, was a plague on your spouse and you both are still recovering.

For a long time I have doubted my husbands love for me because of the affair, because I judged the quality of our love by the affair. But if I can view his affair as an illness that he is recovering form, I see all of his rehabilitation efforts as steps toward the life he 100% wants.

I don't feel the need as much to complete with the sin anymore, cause I want 0% of that kind of love.

I only need to see more recovery then.....?