Okay, here goes. WH has been "friends" with OW for 3 yrs, they were mobilized overseas Dec 04, they started a PA. I found out by her April of 05. I did plan A , I even exposed to military, they did give him a no contacy clause to her. They resumed their A. June of 05, WH came home from leave , I got pregnant, he came home Dec of 05. We tried to work things out , he did end things with OW and it lasted NO contact for 3 wks , she initiated contact in Jan of 06. It resumed, WH and I talked it out he said he would stop, 3rd time I found out I filed for divorce, I know bad move. I was doing it all wrong, I still had love busters, even not intentionally, I guess his guilty concious got the best of him.
I was dishonest to him (financially) I did wrong I should of told him about it but at the moment my intentions were right , so I thought. I pulled a second on our home and I paid off my debt and then some, He was aware of it after awhile , used some of the money also. It was the 1st and last time I literary lied to my H. I felt awful, I still do. He cant forgive me for it and I dont blame him.
Our son was born a month ago and WH moved out a wk after his birth. Since then he has practically moved in with OW. On tues he introduced our kids to OW, they were fine with it. They will be leaving with him for Easter at her house.
WH still tries to come home and seek comfort from me and dumb as I am I still do. I still love him but I know he'll resume his wayward ways and I need to stop this.
Yesterday, we fought. My son has been taking the divorce out on me, he wont listen to what I say, he tries to hit me, hes only 5 but he wont do this to dad. The fight was a financial one, I was supposed to pay off a credit card. I scheduled it online and the money was gone in the acct so assumed it was paid well it wasnt. WH thought I was lying again to him, he was angry and told me I deserved everything that was happening to me. I fell into a whirlwind , I feel so lost, helpless I failed and I cant get out of this rut. I hurting so bad inside. I have started my anti depressants but only 3 days on them not much help. Wh apologized and said he didnt mean that, he said he was hurting because he hurt me. He cried , that was a first. Im just so confused , I dont know what to do, can someone help? This weekend with my kids in her home is bothering me so much. Please help. I have no one I can really talk to. My family lives 2 states away and I dont really have friends here.

Someday, I don't want you to think folks are ignoring you. On of the problem is that today is Good Friday and many of the regulars aren't around. Second, I'm so sorry, but I can't figure out what's going on. You mention divorce, a financial problem, and an affair, but it's all thrown together in one paragraph that is hard to read.

If you can, give us a timeline and some detail on things and you'll get a much better response. I know this is a trying time for you and I sympathize. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with these things. Go over what you've written and explain, okay? Tell us what is happening and there will be folks who will want to help.

Thanks , I know but my thoughts are so mixed up Okay, here goes. WH has been "friends" with OW for 3 yrs, they were mobilized overseas Dec 04, they started a PA. I found out by her April of 05. I did plan A , I even exposed to military, they did give him a no contacy clause to her. They resumed their A.
June of 05, WH came home from leave , I got pregnant, he came home Dec of 05. We tried to work things out , he did end things with OW and it lasted NO contact for 3 wks , she initiated contact in Jan of 06.While we were trying to make things work I was doing it all wrong, I still had love busters, even not intentionally, I guess his guilty concious got the best of him and he'd think I was intentionally throwing the A in his face.
The A resumed, WH and I talked it out he said he would stop, 3rd time I found out he had been seeing her I filed for divorce, I know bad move.( in Feb 06.) ( in Dec of 06 while he was mobilized) I was dishonest to him (financially) I did wrong I should of told him about it but at the moment my intentions were right , so I thought. I pulled a second on our home and I paid off my debt and then some, He was aware of it after awhile in Feb when he came home,he used some of the money also. It was the 1st and last time I literary lied to my H. I felt awful, I still do. He cant forgive me for it and I dont blame him.

On March 11,06 Our son was born a month ago and WH moved out a wk after his birth. Since then he has practically moved in with OW. This last tues he introduced our kids to OW, they were fine with it. They will be leaving with him for Easter at her house this weekend.
Ever since WH moved out he still tries to come home and seek comfort from me and dumb as I am I still do. I still love him but I know he'll resume his wayward ways and I need to stop this.
Yesterday, we fought. My son has been taking the divorce out on me, he wont listen to what I say, he tries to hit me, hes only 5 but he wont do this to dad. The fight was a financial one, I was supposed to pay off a credit card. I scheduled it online and the money was gone in the acct so assumed it was paid well it wasnt. WH thought I was lying again to him, he was angry and told me I deserved everything that was happening to me.
I fell into a whirlwind , I feel so lost, helpless I failed and I cant get out of this rut. I hurting so bad inside. I have started my anti depressants but only 3 days on them not much help. Wh apologized and said he didnt mean that, he said he was hurting because he hurt me. He cried , that was a first. Im just so confused , I dont know what to do, can someone help? This weekend with my kids in her home is bothering me so much. Please help. I have no one I can really talk to. My family lives 2 states away and I dont really have friends here.

Well, he's still involved in adultery. That's clear. Have you contacted his commander to inform him/her the NC order has been violated? Are you in an overseas area? Is he still subject to military authority or retired/separated?

Who filed for divorce? When? When is it final?

Have you done Plan A or is that an option?

He is Army Reserves, they are both in the same unit. They are both back for good, Hes still subject to some authority but its only one weekend a month and when they were deployed , everyone knew about the A. It was no use.

We are located in Northern California.

I filed for divorce. I will get final documents on Wed of next week. It will be final Sept 8th.


I havent done an effective Plan A. Its still an option for now. But what exactly should I do. Can someone send me some links?

If things dont work out. I am seriously considering moving back home. I dont know if its a great idea. He has plans of moving in with her permanantely and working in that area. Its about an hr south of were our home is.

He keeps on asking me to be romantically involved with him, is that a good idea? Of course she doesnt know, if she did , im sure hed be out of her place by now.

Someday, you need to get a copy of Dr. Willard Harley's book which explains his counseling policy and techniques. It's entitled Surviving An Affair, and it's available from the MB bookstore.

While you're waiting for it to come, you can read about Plans A and B in the following thread. There's more info in the book, but the information on the board here will give you an introduction.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

You should also take a look at WAT's thread "WAT's Quick Start Guidelines For Betrayed Spouses" on the "Just Found Out" forum. You'll get more links and suggestions for further reading there.

If you want to rescue your marriage, Someday, it's not too late. You CAN do it, but it takes a lot of work. You'll have people out here ready to help you do it.

I reall do want to save my marriage but hes made it clear that he cannot be faithful and that hed rather let me go than to hurt me. Is that just fog talk?

I know the A would end immediately if she found out about us but I know I cant do that. Even though she did it to me.

Sorry for your pain. H is cheating on you and ow as well. Wants sex tape him if you are going to have sex . Get the date and time on it , if you can have him say it. then go and play the tape for ow see what happens then. What do you have to lose.

read the harley book. and also read love must be tough by dobson. both are congrous...meaning they have similar themes but one of a more spiritual nature...and this is a spiritual fight.

have you asked H to forgive you for the financial dishonesty? that seems to be the initial wedge between you. do that and then LEARN ALL YOU CAN HERE. it's not over yet! you are just getting the tools and now you gotta figure out how to use them.

and to PANSY...WHAT IS THIS STUFF YOU'RE SAYING TO DO? AND HOW IN THE HADES CAN A MAN CHEAT ON AN OW? HE CANNOT. HE IS MARRIED AND IS ONLY CHEATING ON HIS WIFE.

ANY CONTACT SUCH AS GOING AROUND THIS TOXIC OW...THIS SUPPOSED FRIEND..WOULD BE DAMAGING AND UNDERMINE HER NEW ROLE AS MB'ER AND HEALER! SHE NEEDS TO STAY AWAY FROM THE TOXIC OW.

and dear someday? PLEASE GET LEGAL HELP SO THAT WH CANNOT EXPOSE KIDS TO THE AFFAIR...OW IS TOXIC!

Someday,

I am so sorry you are going through this as I know how hard it is .

My WH lives with the OW as well and he has as yours always come to me for comfort and SF.

The first time OW found out she did boot him out and he came home but with a week she contacted him and he wnet back. That was August.

Just here in the last few weeks she was exposed to again about him coming to me. All heck broke loose but he is still there. It did not cause her to kick him out , yes it has cause a lot of mistrust with them but they are still together. And now she has put a leash on him he can't make a move without her knowledge. So they are LB"ing all over the place.

Now I am no tsaying don't expose to her but don't expect it to make her kick him out. It could happen then again maybe not. The one thing it will do is cause problems for them and from there its all downhill for them. They may try and make it work but the trust is gone... So its your descion on whether to let her know. The A is a time bomb waiting to explode and it will. I see this with my own WH.... Just sit back and let them ruin each other.... It will happen...


Good Luck to you

Hurting

Hurting- So you still sleep around with your WH? It was easy at first for me and then I go back to the same stage when he mentions hes doing wrong, he doesnt want to hurt me, hes not over me, that being with me is hurting him! And on another note, he says he's be okay with having 2 women! i knew men could bne selfish but that took the cake.

The day we fought, he said he would forgive me, he cried he begged for my forgivness on being cruel for what he said. Then the next day he got a mailer at home to get an equity on the house, he made a smart @ss remark saying, "thanks but theres no equity left in my home"

Im just so hurt. The kids left with him last night and they called this morning, it kills me hearing them that they are having so much fun. They live in a condo, so the amenities there arent available at our home, of course they are having fun.

Im so upset. I talked to my kids and they said they dont want to come back home, they are having so much fun with their dad and OW.

My purpose in life is gone, I dont need to be here anymore

someday

when my sisiters and i were in the same situation as your children, we didn't think about how my mom felt.....my dad, OW and her children made it so fun for us when we were there that we didn't want to leave.....and we really wanted as much time with our dad as we could get

at first...then we began to resent the OW children because they had more of our dad than we did.....and they even started calling him dad!!

and we stopped liking the OW because eventually when we went there on weekends, they started going out again....and left us there with OW kids!!!

pretty soon we didn't even want to go anymore

i know this hurts very much.....but it will change

you can get through this....you have to! your children need you very much

this is "new and exciting" but it won't last...a mother's love does

First things first. Before anything else, we need to know if your words are saying that you are considering suicide. Please know that there is help available to you -- and you are WORTHY of life and care! Do not allow your H's poor choices to rob you of your life!

1-800-SUICIDE, or 1-800-784-2433

Link for Hotline

Secondly, have you considered that you may be suffering from Post Partum Depression? You *just* had a baby a month ago and even in the most happy situatons it can occur -- add in the kind of stress you're under, and some whacked hormones on top of that, and the depression can be crippling. Please, PLEASE seek help from a doctor. Go to an ER if you feel you can't go on. Or call the number above.

Finally, how you feel about being betrayed is NORMAL. Devistation and pain are unfortunately a part of the process.

Put the RESPONSIBILITY where it belongs: ON HIM and his OW. If you want to fight for your marriage, do that. If you want to stall the divorce, do that. Do whatever it takes to protect you and your children. Put a clause in the divorce that he can't have the children around the OW until the divorce is final. Do whatever you think is right. Just DON'T GIVE UP!!!

((((Someday Me))))

And remember, this is Easter weekend, and the board will be slow. But someone will be at that number above, so call if you need to. Or call your mom, or a friend, a neighbor... ANYONE who can help.

Bless you!

Someday Me,

Are you okay?

Im still here, I feel the opposite of wanting to even be here. I spoke to the kids last night and all I hear is how much fun their having and how OW and daddy are always kissing. OW buying them stuff. I hate it. Its killing me inside. I am on my medication but it makes me feel worse I cant bring myself to eat anything, it disgusts me.

i have the lil one with me so Im not all alone. I think if I was buy myself I wouldnt be here. The thought runs thru my head over and over and then I think about how selfish Im being.

I know WH and OW are just buying their attention and love now. WH works that way he compensates his time by buying material things. I know itll all just be a phase. WH will resume working and itll change.

Thank you everyone for being there for me. I did read these posts over and over last night and I realized alot. Im not alone, the only sanity I have is knowing what goes around comes around.

Someday, your post breaks my heart. Is there anyone at all - a friend, a neighbor, a family member - who could come over and stay with you for a while? Even a few hours? I understand that the baby is dear and is some companionship, but the baby cannot reach out to you and help you right now.

Are you willing to post what city you are in? If nothing else, maybe somebody from MB could check on you.

You are right - what goes around comes around. I am so sorry you have been abandoned by the people who should be there for you. Just try to hang on, and by all means contact someone to come over and keep you company for a while. This board can help, but you need someone to actually be there in person.

I will check back on you as I can throughout the day - I'll be working until late tonight.
Mulan

Someday,

Most of us have had thoughts of suicide and days where we would rather not be here.

Life is hard, and it does hurt like ****** at times...but for you, and I know you already know this, it is not an option because of your children.

So for now, you are at the very dark place of simply putting one foot in front of the other...of concentrating on putting at least a little nutrition into your mouth, and of trying to keep your mind off of what he/she is up to.

You have your kids with you today so that is good, and so for today you can get through.

If all you can do is take little bites of what you fix them that is good, do it. If all you can do is nap for short periods than that is good too.

Hang on Someday, this horrible place you are in won't last forever. Remember it is always darkest before the dawn. And I know from my own life that this is true.

(((((SomedayMe)))))

I have some questions for you

how old are the older children? When you met with your lawyer, did you tell him you do not want OW around your children? Can he help you with that at least until and if the Divorce is final?

As Mulan asked, do you have someone who you can call to stay the afternoon with you? Maybe even a high school girl you know at least to have company. I would want company and then maybe he won't ask for SF.

If your husband is reserves, does he have a regular job?

Exposure is often the best tool you have to break up an affair. Have you exposed? Let's brainstorm some folks that might have an influence with him and in your marrriage.

His parents?

His siblings?

His job?

OW's husband?

Her parents and siblings?

Your pastor?

GOod friends fo your husband?

When you expose, tell them you are fighting for you marriage and are enlisting their help.

I know today is awful, but hang in there.

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