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Joined: Apr 2006
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Has anyone had experience with a husband who seeks out women online who are from escort services? I found my husband involved with numerous women online and one that he actully was with.

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OK tarot - give us some more info.

marriage details - how long married, how old you both are, general marital history, kids, etc.

A no brainer - no sex with him for now.

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It's a second marriage for both...we've been married 4.5 years and 50ish. We've weathered unemployment (he's an automotive engineer), issues of 4 teenage children and daily life. BUT, I thought our marriage was perfect - the intimacy, the communication. It was all I ever dreamed of and my husband always said the same thing. So much in love, so lucky to have found each other. Blahhh, blahhh, blahhhh.

So out of the blue, I find an email that he's asked some "sweet cocoa butter" if she's going to be in our state on a particular day. His cell phone rings that night and a women asks for him by name and he hangs up quickly. He denies any actual contact.......just admits to the porn and the chase.

The next night he tearfully comes clean and says he visited a woman at her apartment for a massage. When she got to the "front" parts he freaked out and left. Says he felt humiliated and disgusted. He didn't "finish."

Even though there was no emotional relationhip, the betrayal is devastating.

Why does a man with a seemingly happy marriage do this? He says it's due to depression and he is getting treatment now for that.

I say BS...how many others have there been? If hadn't caught him - would he still be doing this?

You're right - NO sex for now.

What happens to my pain?

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Quote
Why does a man with a seemingly happy marriage do this?

Either he's got SERIOUS issues in his head OR he's got SERIOUS issues in his head AND it's not a happy marriage to him.

This is not a case for routine MB approaches, IMHO.

He needs to get himself to a shrink and identify his demons.

Quote
He says it's due to depression and he is getting treatment now for that.


Maybe. Have you heard this from anyone other than him?

Please seek professional advice. There are stories here from former sexual addicts and about spouses who were sexual addicts. It doesn't appear to be rare.

WAT

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I haven't written for about a week. I thought I was doing a bit better. Suddenly the pain returned in full force and in the last two days has been replaced by anger and fury.
My husband swears that he never ever contacted "escorts" (bull - they're ******) before this and never ever will again. I don't believe him. I think this stuff may have been going on a long time. It's just too coincidental...
So I'm checking phone records like a crazy woman.

He says it would be worse if he had an emotional affair. I don't know...a prostitute so horribly disgusting. why would a supposedly happily married man lower himself like this? So suddenly he's in tears all the time,,,very depressed. Do I have sympathy - nope.

I can't say I don't love him. I do. But he tries to hold me and kiss me (not for sex, just to be close) and I feel like a board/ice cube.

I thought about my own therapist, but I was fine until all of this occured. My husband is in therapy, and I think marriage counseling is critical.

How do I start getting over this?

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Quote
How do I start getting over this?



Quote
I thought about my own therapist, but I was fine until all of this occured. My husband is in therapy, and I think marriage counseling is critical.


I would suggest that you try to find a good therapist for yourself as well. Certainly you were fine BEFORE you faced this trauma. but you have been through a trauma now, and need help to deal with it. That is ok.
I am fine today. But if tomorrow I witness my son being murdered, I will not be ok, and I will likely need help. I will be suffering from a sudden trauma, and I will need to deal with those feelings.


Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
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Hi Tarot,
My WH was on the internet, looking at porn, lots of strange
websites and eventually "Hot local escorts". I looked it
up once myself just to see what it was about and noticed
they listed the fee as $300.00. Oddly enough, I later
found exactly that much money in WH's briefcase a couple
of times, so didn't take too much figuring out-
Later he met the person who's now the OW online.

In counseling with Jennifer at MB, I asked why a man who
seemed to have everything, including a happy marriage at
the time would get involved in something so disgusting as
a prostitute and she said it can be several things-
"MLC"- needing to feel attractive and desirable to prove
they are "young" and boost their ego,
Having a low libdo level, and thus needing a "higher level"
of excitement,
or emotional/mental issues .

In my WH's case, I think he has some of all three.

Best wishes-
Slammed

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We are supposed to go for marriage counseling next week with his therapit..if that doens't feel like enough I will find my own.
Crazy, but to me we used to have such joy with each other. He used to say, it took me 46 years to find you and I'm never letting you go. So much for words...
My latest insight is this...I beleive the marriage is repairable. But the innocense of our marriage, the fairy tale love..it's gone. It's tainted now.
I finally made love with him a few nights ago...there was something in me that needed to "reclaim" him as mine. Does this make any sense to anyone?

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Hello tarot1...I can relate to you...it's been a year for me, since I found out BF using escorts, and it is just as hurtful as a PA. I hope you are doing well.


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I would recommend you read the book "Just between us Girls" It will give you several reasons why men chose excorts and ways that you can make him want only you!! You can get it at the library.

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Tarot,

Did you/Do you have an active sex life together? Have you let it become routine, boring, stale? Do you take trips together to exotic locations, talk and hold hands, have wine and cheese, a good movie with nothing but a blanket, and so on? I ask this because I can't imagine a man with a happy marriage to a woman he loves that also has SF being met effectively doing this?

That said, there is and will never be an excuse for what he has done to you and your feelings. He needs to get a counselor fast and then the two of you need to go to MC together and hash through what has happened/happening that would allow him to do this.

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tarot1 - I am a FWH who did exactly what your husband did. I still can't explain exactly why I did it, it could have been all 3 of the items above, it could have been that my W focus was else where and I felt less than equal. I don't know, but I do know after working with her for a while I would never do it again, its counciling, its faith, its forgiveness but its possible. For him to realize his mistakes and become the husband you though you had again.

In my case my W couldn't forgive me and we are heading for divorce, but I feel that I am a better person today because I took responsibility for my actions and I will live what happens to me, but I know in my heart that would never happen again, to my wife or anyone else I truly love.

So there is hope for him to come back to you.

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Unfortunately some men need variety, and you can be a super model or look like a porn star and have a great sex life w/ your SO, and have an outstanding relationship at the same time, but it doesn't stop men from using escorts. Not sure about other places, but from wherer I am located in the Bay Area, there is this quite popular escort website, and lots of men who subscribed to that escort review site (we're talking about hundred thousands) will write and post to those escort forrums about how long they have been using escorts/hookers/prostitues/massage parlors...etc, and been "Happily Married" for a long time (some more than 20 years) without their wives or SO knowing about it (it's very sick to read about what these straying men write in there sometimes). My BF's final reason for using escort service was due to an act of "Weak Character", but I believe (funny how I am using the word belive after a year I found out) that he won't do this ever again, especailly seeing how this had hurt me so much (even though we are not married yet). It sucks, and I find myself searching for answers all the time, thinking that I am too ugly, I am too fat, and need plastic surgury, at the end I just realized that it has nothing to do with me, I am a georgeous women, and like he said, an act of weak character...


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My husband is a sex addict and I found out he had been frequenting prostitutes (aka escorts) for 3 years. There is a board called "The erotic review" where men actually do reviews of the hookers they have visited. He had a secret hotmail account he was using to send email with it. Search your husband's computer for any indication he may have one of these free internet accounts. My husband had posted over a hundred reviews. I'm sick over it. I understand the woman who says she can't stand her husband touching her. I feel the same way. The thought of he getting his *** anywhere near me makes me ill because I know where it has been. I dont' know how to get over it, although we are in therapy and he is in SA. Hopetoheal


Husband cheated with "escorts" or prostitutes...however you want to say it. Claims to be a "hobbyist" but he is just a john. I hope he can stop this crap.
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My XWH started going to P's (the expensive ones) when I was pregnant. For him, it was a practical solution, no emotions attached. (Or so he thought, because there were plenty of emotions when I found out 2 years later!)
After I had miscarriages he went to P's because he "needed a treat" because he felt bad about the whole situation...
A year after d-day and (false) recovery he went again because he thought I "didn't really want to have sex with him, but just did it to please him"...
There was internet porn (the interactive kind), and dating sites etc..
He had an PA with my best friend, wanted to go to a sex club with her, then wanted a threesome etc.etc.

Any excuse worked for him.
He didn't want therapy - he just "wouldn't do it again".
But I couldn' see that working.
And I didn't want to risk getting any STD's.
This SA stuff needs hard work, and the person needs to realise he has an addiction.


[color:"purple"]When we lose sight of the well being of others, it is like losing sight in one eye. (the Dalai Lama)[/color]
The Neutral Zone Theory
Doing the right thing vs being a good boy/girl
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Oooops. Somehow did a double post by accident. Deleting one.

Last edited by Just J; 08/04/06 04:18 PM.
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You might want to seek out Sex Addicts Anonymous or another 12-step program. In particular, check out the Carnes Institute. It's very well known in the SA field.

This is a long road that you have ahead of you. What he's doing is not "average" infidelity (if there is any such thing) but instead it's an addiction.

And in an active addiction, the addictive substance is always worth more than anything else. Including the spouse and the kids. Be prepared for this to be a long, up-and-down road. He'll have to choose to take it, too. All you can do is decide what it will take for you to allow him to continue to live in your home and participate in your family. I recommend that you do your research carefully and make it a detailed list. With timelines.


Sunny Day, Sweeping The Clouds Away...

Just J --

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