Sorry to rant, but I have to get this out of my system before I implode.

What is the point to recovery? It feels really icky, and I have a ton more self-doubt than I have had in my whole life (including teenage years).

The smallest decisions seem really stupid and ridiculous. Today I was looking at health insurance because I just changed jobs and I need coverage for my family, but trying to think about which would be best seemed stupid because I don't know if I will be married to my H much longer and I don't want to pay for insurance for him, and I know asking him for his opinion would be an exercise in futility.

And I realized...I feel really worthless and useless. I feel like there is no point to trying to make any kind of a life for us as there is a very good chance that us is gone forever.

I've done plan A for the last few months and I guess it was going ok, but then my H confessed to his affair a couple of days ago and expressed his wish to just get divorced and I lost the point of it all. BTW...he has done nothing toward getting a divorce, and he hasn't brought up the conversation.

I am tired of this limbo. I want a happy, healthy, supportive, fulfilling marriage filled with loving respect. And I want it now. I don't see that happening. I want that blissful feeling. I never felt blissfully happy when my H and I got married (this nagging fear and doubt was in me the whole time). I never felt blissfully happy during my pregnancy with my amazingly beautiful daughter. I am not blissfully happy now raising my daughter, who will be three in a month. I just don't know what to do to find the point.

My "fight or flight" instinct is screaming, "GET OUT NOW." My attempts at applying logic and reason to this is failing.

All I want now, is to be happy. To feel some contentment. Some peace.

I am tired of caring, and trying to keep our relationship a safe place for my H while no one is making it safe for me. I am tired of trying to watch every word that comes out of my mouth, every action and every movement I make so as not to LB. I feel like a captive/terrorist in my own home and life. I am tired of feeling like the perpetrator and victim in my life.

I acknowledge, accept, and realize that I did things to push my H away, but I can't see where I wasn't human, and made mistakes, forgivable mistakes. How can I take that negative whatever away from his heart so he can decide what he wants to do with this concept of us because I am tired of waiting for him to ****** or get off the pot.

I am ready to get off the pot, but he isn't making that any easier for me to do.

I guess I am just tired.

Just validating your vent. That is how I have been feeling...so I accepted an offer for a date last week. Man, did I get a bunch of 2x4's for that!!! But...it was nice to just be myself and feel that someone wanted to be with ME...no standing in line behind a wh*re, no worrying about what came out of my mouth...just me talking and laughing and enjoying myself. Yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn't have.

((( makingchanges )))

do you think it is time for Plan B ? or try to detach from him and the craziness ?

not giving advice here but sometimes the WS see the BS gaining confidence and detaching ~~ it works to draw them back in... sometimes...either way, it makes you stronger

Keep posting and hold your head up, you are fighting the good fight for your M... best to you

carnation

Thanks for the validation. It makes me feel better to know I am not the only one.

Right now, I just feel like hiding under a rock until this has passed. The only problem is I don't know when it will. I am trying to hold on, but it's getting harder and harder to see the reason why.

Thanks, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks...I have detached. I am trying to remain encouraging to him, while he struggles through his issues. I am just tired of feeling so hopeless. I am tired of his blaming the failure of our marriage on me. I wish I found this site sooner because I have spent the last three years trying to "fix" me, when the problem was he was having an affair. Then, when I discovered it and confronted him, he lied, for over a year, and I still kept on trying to "fix" me to make him happy.

I guess this week I've realized that maybe I am just not his cup of tea. But then, why doesn't he just go?

I wish this would just end.

But thanks for the hug. I appreciate it and really needed it.

makingchanges, Oh I hear ya and your frustraton. I think that if nothing else if you can focus on yourself in recovery, you make improvements that really help you better yourself. But the process is hard. I have wrestled with and do wrestle with self-doubt and so many other things. Hang in there. And glad you're venting to us.