Hello everyone, it has been a while since I last posted. I have been trying to deal with everyday life and this situation that has not been resolved yet. Anyhow, my H is at it again. He is still lying about his whereabouts, but now I am quite sure he is staying with his dad. His mother agrees with me. He wont tell her he is exactly staying there either, but when he calls her it's mostly from his dad's phone. Again last week he came to me wanting to work out our marriage. Two weeks later he flipped the script on me again. He called and said he would be over in an hour after he took care of some business. An hour passed then two etc. I called him to find out what was going on and he started to get smart. he said he was taking care of his business and it did not have anything to do with me, he should not have told me he wanted to work things out. He also said he didn't love me enough to be with me. I then told him if that is the way he felt, he should have told me that a long time ago. He then said how could you tell someone that. This is the short version, but it was the main point. How could he be so insensitive and act this way? Why would he want us to reconcile and then flip out like this? Maybe I should just let it go because if someone loves you they would not treat you this way. He has no regards to the children. He doesn't call, take care of them, or come to see them. He came over twice last month. The first time he saw the kids in two months. Please someone give me some advice. I am really confused and don't know what my next step should be. Thanks!

Blondie33

Blondie ---

Sorry, I don't know your whole story. Are you in Plan A or Plan B? When was D-Day for you?

Sounds like your WH is really FOGGED out - still heavily involved in the A.

How bout your kids? How are they doing? how old are they?

What have you been doing to take care of you? Are you treating yourself right?

I am so sorry!!! I know this is awful for you. Just know that you have a lot of people here to support you.

Kim

Blondie,

What would you do if you weren't afraid and you didn't love this man? The answer to that question is obvious.

If you want to win him back, that's your choice and we can help you, but is this really the type of husband and father you want?

He's insensitive and playing with your feelings because he is involved with other women. When things are going poorly with them, he goes back to you, you are his backup plan. When things cool off between him and his girlfriend(s) then he doens't need you, thus he treats you like crap again.

I know there are those on this forum that will encourage you to work on the marriage (if you want to). I'm just another guy, but when I hear about bums like your husband I just think something is wrong with their moral fiber and it will be difficult if not impossible to fix.

I wish you the best of luck.

First I would like to thank sundog and kimberly234 for the feedback. My children are doing fine. They are 16,14,11,2, and 5 months. The last two are his children. I am working and doing well for myself. I recently enrolled back in college to get another degree. So I have been busy as you can see.

My WH and I have been seperated since Nov 05. He walked out on us 5 days after the birth of our son. Til this day I really don't know the answer why. He only said I stripped his manhood away whatever that means. The only thing I had ever done was encourage him to go to school and better himself. I guess that is what he calls being on his back.

I don't know if he is intimidated about me making more money than he does, having a strong mind, or wanting the better things in life. I am a gogetter. Of course he denies being involved with anyone. He says "do you think I would not be with you to jump into something with someone else"? My answer to that is yes.

I am running out of energy to pursue the marriage. I felt I have done everything possible to save it. I cannot do it alone. One minute he wants it the next he doesn't. I am tired of playing these games with him. He seem to think it is a big joke or something.

After about 2 weeks, he called yesterday. I really didn't care to hear his voice. All of a sudden he wants to come bring our son something for his birthday which is Monday. He is turning 3. Why should he bother he doesn't try to see him any other day of the year.

The way I use to feel I would have said yes. This time I told him we discussed this already and he is suppose to give it to his mother to give to him. Of course he is not happy about it, but who cares!

It isn't only my life that he is toying with it is the childrens' as well. I am not going to allow him to come in and out of our lives at his discression. I took him to court for child support, in which he did not show up. We have to go to court in a couple weeks for a default hearing.

Right now I am numb about my feeling for him. You can't turn them off and on like water. Well I guess you can, he did. For me I really loved him so it will take me some time to completely heal. Do you think I am doing the right thing about not letting him come over? It probably doesn't matter to him anyway. He doesn't seem to care about my children or me.

Sorry this post is so long. I just had alot to say. Again, feedback is very much appreciated.

Blondie33

Blondie -

Good morning - hope you are doing o.k. wow. Hard for me to believe that a man would walk out on his family only 5 days after you bore him a new child. Unbelievable.

With that said, it sounds like you don't have any hardcore evidence of an Affair. You are here on this board which means you are suspicious. Sundog mentioned that he has multiple girlfriends???



Understandable. completely. But, do you want a plan to save your M?

I highly suggest calling Steve Harley for a session. Others on here will tell you he is excellent and I agree with them 100% - I have counseled with him twice. He can figure out your sitch very quickly and help you -

So, have you tried doing a Plan A then?

Take Care,

Kim

B33,

Abbreviating your name reminds me of an airplane. Was there a bomber 33? Hmmm. I don't have anything for you, Blondie...I just saw your name and wanted to say hello again.

I believe when I was on your thread before, I was asking for the whole of your life, how it might be applicable now...and posted to say you were heard and recognized.

Guess I'm doing that again.

LA

Kimberly234 and LovingAnyway, thanks for responding. A matter of fact I did speak to Mr.Harley about a month and a half ago. He really didn't know what to say except my husband abandoned us and he don't deal with that kind of issue. Now that mad me really sad and not know which way to turn.

What he done now has a name for it. I read a previous post that was sent to me. It talked about passive-aggressive behavior. My husband fit all of the criteria. I clicked on an additional site and according to it my husband is has PAPD (Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder).

Of course telling my H would not mean anything because he doens't think he has a problem. I think deep down he still loves me and the children. Is it me being in denial? How can a person love you and treat you this way and say awful things to you? Everytime I try to do right by our marriage he agrees and back out again.

I really don't know what to do at this point. How can I believe or trust him if or when he says he want to have our marriage back? He has faltered so many times and hurt the children and me. Don't get me wrong, I really want my marriage to work. How can it work if he is being so deceptive about everything and wont meet me half way?

It's as if he doesn't care about the marriage, the children, or me. Well he say he loves the children, but he doesn't take care of them or rarely see them. He told me he will always love me, but he doesn't love me enought to be with me. How can you go from telling me you love me everyday for the last 6 years to not loving me at all in 5 1/2 months? Somebody please explain this to me.

B33,

Choose your perspective...and I ask that you choose wisely.

If you choose to believe your WH doesn't care about you or his children...then that is a dangerous choice. Choose to not know what he is doing or why...and you can bank on him not knowing why, either.

This board is about you and your choices. Not his and his foggy statements. People lie...we can't control that. We have the choice to carefully consider what we believe...don't choose to be dangerous to yourself.

You have a lot of expectations about what being a husband means...what they have to do, how they have to be...and what real ones don't do. We're all in human marriages--with our own expectations...all of them lead to resentments. You can't clear out his resentments, but you can tend to your own. Entitlement fueled by resentment and lack of respect is how someone can go from saying each day they love you to saying they don't so fast.

You feel pain, abandonment, rejection, exasperation and are looking for answers. I remember that. Brought me here. You came here before...and then stopped posting...you had an expectation on responses...how many and what kind...very similar to this:

"Til this day I really don't know the answer why. He only said I stripped his manhood away whatever that means. The only thing I had ever done was encourage him to go to school and better himself. I guess that is what he calls being on his back."

You don't see any validation as to why he felt what he felt. He has his own feelings. He felt stripped and torn up...most like at the beginning of your pregnancy...and it grew until it became the justification for leaving you. Doesn't make his actions right...understand me, please...but what was missing in your marriage, why I wanted you to tell the whole of your life, is that I believe respect hasn't been understood or given. Wanting someone to better themselves can be heard as saying they aren't good enough. It is disrespectful. It is a poison I took a lot in my life by dousing others with it.

That's why I see your name and post to you.

This is about you...all your children...not him. Seeing your choices, knowing what you believe gives you your emotions, which are just information, will help you to define your life, maybe even, save your marriage.

LA

LovingAnyway...has got it right. I was like that too.

Read more books about marriage and communication. It will help you. I read a few until i understood what i did that was wrong.

MOST men dont have expectations. They are very simple creature. They only want to be loved. We women have plenty of expectations which eventually destroy the marriage when the husband is unable to meet them.

Think positive of your husband. If you keep on thinking about all the wrongness then it will eventually lead to the break up of your marriage.

Focus and fix yourself. Focus on love and giving it to your husband. He did not change but you did. Its all an accumulation of resentment. Think back...Has your marriage been missing of "something" for a very very long time? Mine did...until the affair happened. Only then i realise i had a dying marriage which i was blinded to.

Work together and not against each other.

I would like to clear something up first. Me pushing him to go to school was something he said he wanted to do. I only encouraged him to do so while I worked fulltime for him to pursue his dreams. I know I had some faults, but it took this breakup to recognize and change those faults. I did not change, I am the same way I was when we met.

At this point he is not willing to try,fix, or work togetehr on the marriage. Everytime even before the breakup, when I try to talk to him about things he would get defensive and walk out no matter what the topic was. I tried to spend time with him and give affection no matter how many tasks I had on my plate. I made time for him.

How can we work together to fix the M when he is not meeting me halfway? I can't do it alone. It's like he want to see me hurt. He knows I want nothing more than to repair our M. So what do he do, he gives me false hope by having me believe he want to work it out. Well, maybe he does I don't know. One minute he say he does the next he doesn't.

He seem to treat what is going on like it's some kind of joke. He doesn't want me to know where he lives. Why? Whenever he decides to calls our home he block the number so I don't know where he is calling from. Why? He lies and say he has to go to work when I invite him over to spend time with the children or me. Why? Is this behavior of someone who wants to work out his marriage?

I guess I am hurt right now because I love him very much. What he had or did not have didn't matter to me and he knows that. What I don't understand is why do he insist on lying about everything? When I tell him he can visit the children at a mutual family member's house he gets defensive.

He says why do I have to go through other people to see my kids? But when I invite him over to the house he comes up with excuses or say he is coming and then don't show up. I am so confused by this. What do he want from me if anything? Why is he going back and forth with what he wants?

"I would like to clear something up first. Me pushing him to go to school was something he said he wanted to do." I'm a little lost...I know you couldn't have made WH choose something he didn't want. You're human...can't happen.

He's making his choices...you aren't making him do anything...you can't...

We are here asking you to work on you...what you can control...for yourself and your children. Which involves knowing your WH is making his own choices. Seeing your marriage the way it really was and learning from it.

We cannot tell you why anything about him...from his actions, he has ditched his commitments and responsibilities and chosen to do this. We can't know nor can you...he lies. He makes false promises...that's all we know.

"He says why do I have to go through other people to see my kids?"

"Because you have broken your family apart by your choice."

File for legal separation, publishing the order because you have no other means of contact. There is a way for this to be done legally...separate maintenance...you change your phone number(s), the locks...and explain to the children that this is temporary...we are getting ourselves set up for you to see your father on a scheduled, court supervised basis...make them your priority, not divining your WH's thoughts.

This doesn't mean the end...it means the end of WH choosing your life...and you begin choosing your own. Defining your boundaries, your moral code, examining your own thoughts and choices. Seeing them. Knowing them.

You go dark...no contact at all...only through a trusted third-party person willing to be the go between.

None of his choices are about you...you cannot cause, control or cure him. He is making these choices for his own purposes...you are not being rejected for you...you are not at fault.

We know that.

Study up on Plan B...hard to do a letter to someone who is ghosting you...but when you choose the third-party, you can give them the letter to hold until there is contact. It shows your love for him and your desire to save your marriage...and lays out the steps of what he has to do to come back...counseling, STDs testing, no contact with whatever people are a threat to your marriage...you lay the way back, hold the light up, and work on yourself. You get legal protection, not to "get him" to do anything...you're making your own choices for you and your children.

You can do this...shifting your focus off him is where I would begin.

LA

Thanks Lovinganyway for being here to support me. I know what you are saying is true. When you say it's not the end, I don't know what else to call it. I don't know if I will or can ever trust him, or love him the same.

The only thing that will go through my mind is if things get tough for him again will he walk out and abandon us again? When he leaves the house will he return? Will his feelings for us change as abruptly as it did the first time?
There are so many unanswered questions.

I know he is not the person to ask, besides he will not tell the truth. All I can think about now is going to school to get my second degree, maintain my job, and take care of my children. I don't really have a desire to see or talk to him right now. The damage he has done seems so irreversible and my feeling for him are turning into resentment. Plan B would be easy at this point. Where can I get a sample letter?

I have been trying really hard to not feel this way about him, but I can't help it. Not only did he not care what he was doing to me, he had no regards to how it would affect the children either. If you really love someone you cannot hurt them and do things like this to them.

In my state, a legal seperation cost the same amount as a divorce. What would be the purpose of a legal seperation? He has made it clear that he is not interested in me, the marriage, or maybe the children. Sorry I am rambling, I just had alot to get off my chest.

I spoke to my H today an we talked about everything except our marriage. He mentioned about getting his own place again after I said something about returning to school to get my bachelor's degree and looking to purchase a home for the kids and me. I guess he was looking for a rise out of me about his own place, but I said nothing. I acted as if it did not bother me at all.

He started telling me how much he love our son's, but he has not seen them in a month almost. He doesn't financially care for them or me for that matter. Even though I know all of these things, I didn't do any DJing. He started praising me for supporting the children and how well I am raising them yada yada yada.

At some point during the conversation, I metioned to him about sending the D papers to him since he said that is what he wanted. He said what papers and gave a low response to it. I thought this is what he wanted? Why on earth would he sound so gloom. Well anyway, during the conversation I made sure I sounded live and vibrant. That way he would think I was not focusing on our M. What do you think of this conversation? Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I guess I have been kidding myself about my feelings. I very much am still in love with my H despite all he has put me through. Sounds crazy huh? I guess if I pretended like I didn't care the pain will go away or at least make it easier.

The only thing that keeps replaying in my mind is what he told me. He said he will always love me, but he don't love me enough to be with me. I think that is the most cruel thing a H can say to his wife. It was like someone taking a knife straight into your heart.

How can he be so bitter towards me? How can he walk out and destroy our family? He must really mean what he says because he doesn't call to say hi or see how the children are doing. Well maybe every now and then he would call to see how the kids are.

How can he go from wanting the M to work to backing out and being so cold? He would say things like "I don't know why I told you that I wanted to come home or maybe I shouldn't have said that". I have tried plan A now for almost six months and it is not working. You have to be in contact with a person on a regular basis in order to implement such a plan. I have only seen him three times this year.

What can I do since he feels so strongly about not wanting our M? He is not doing anything to fix it. It is like he is content with coming over every now and then to see the kids. That is his reasons for coming yet he spend more time talking to me.

Could someone please help me out here? I am really confused and don't know what path to take.

(((Blondie33)))

"if things get tough for him again will he walk out and abandon us again? When he leaves the house will he return? Will his feelings for us change as abruptly as it did the first time? There are so many unanswered questions."

You are not asking questions which are not being answered; you asking unanswerable ones. These are all future-dependent...did your WH plan on abandoning you someday when he fell in love with you and chose to create a family? Did he believe he would leave, return, leave as a way of committing to marriage? I doubt you could say yes, to the past; why would you do this to yourself, causing harm to you in the present?

I have no more advice to you than before...knowing yourself, what is within your control, and choosing from love strength, not fear, would be the guide I suggest. What have you found out legally? What have you found within you--are you able to go dark, as in Plan B? If not, are you doing the 180, like in Love Must Be Tough? Your choices remain your own...you do not have a marriage right now...what you have is you, your dreams, hopes, expectations, choice to love and to respect.

Look clearly at your reality--not for the reasons behind it, but its acutal status...you are a single mother, making a thousand daily decisions, fully capable, honorable...stop focusing on him, speaking or communicating, except through an attorney...know what you would require to reconcile...no contact with other women, friends or otherwise, counseling, transparency, communication exercises...whatever it is he would do before returning, time limits included--what reasonable steps he could take to change...and stay vigilant on your behalf to see what changes you need to make in you, how you can grow.

You're not alone. You're allowing fear to bring an uncertain future into the present and that's confusing you and your choices. Stay present. Breathe.

Remove your focus from him and keep it on you and your children...holding to reality, which is from actions, not intent.

LA

The last few days have been tough. My mother-in-law past away yesterday from cancer. She told no one she was battling with this disease. I loved her very much and she was a good spiritual person. After all that has been going on, I spoke to my WH and gave him my remorse.

Later that day my mother and I decided to take a card to him because I found out he is living with his dad. Of course I went unannounced. Upon my surprise he had the woman he is having an affair with in the house. I didn't know it at the time because when I went in and gave him the card I told him to come outside with me to talk.

After we began talking I asked who the people were and he lied and said they were for his dad. I singled her out because I never seen her before. He had the nerve to tell me she was his friend and he was sure I had friends to. I did not respond to him about having friends because I felt he was trying to justify why she was there.

We stayed outside talking for a while. Suddenly, then this woman pulled out in the car I knew he drove to my house when he came over. She called him to the car and he had the nerve to disrespect me and went to see what she wanted. Of course I asked why was he being disrepectful, but he didn't respond.

We had a few words then he went back into the building. I knew she would probably return so I left and came back. Maybe I should not have said anything, but I had to. When she returned I asked her was she involved with my H and she replied she was just his friend. Yeah Right!! her daughter was present and when I said he was my H she looked very shocked. I said a few more things and she proceeded to go into the building. I called inside to tell my H to come out.

His father answered the phone. He claim my H left after I pulled off the first time. He said my H was angry because he let me into the apartment and then stormed out. He probably was still inside I don't know. I said alot of things to my father-in-law because I was upset that he was allowing this drama to take place in his home.

My FIL told me my H said he told me it was over on more than one occasion, but I don't know how to let go. That is a total lie. A few weeks ago we talked and he said he wanted to work the M out and I agreed. I was not ready for him to return home, but I wanted us to take it step by step. He told my MIL the same thing before she passed.

Why on earth would he lie to my FIL like that? After questioning my FIL he said this woman knew my H was M. (the only person who could have told him that was my H because his dad aint S**T so he would not spill the beans.) I really don't know if that is true because when we first split within a week he was driving that woman's car to his house. We were still living together up until this point. I believe he told her I was the mother of his children. It is really irrelevant because it is wrong regardless to is she knew or not.

A short while later I went back to pick up the bag I left for my son and the car was gone. Did I expose the A? Did she not like being confronted? Did she take her car from him after finding out he was M if she didn't know? Do you think she knew he was M and just didn't care? Do you think he will have the nerve to bring her to the funeral?

I didn't go there expecting to find out what I did. I went in regards to my MIL and to show my sympathy. Did I do wrong? What do you think will come of this? Do you think I busted up the A? I am in real need of some feedback here. Sorry this is so long.

You didn't expose the affair. You can't until you know who this woman is, if she's married, and expose to her H and family.

A simple answer to FIL would be "We are not divorced, FIL. We are married. We can't "move on" without first divorcing, otherwise, that's adultery."

Did you do wrong? What do you think? That's what matters. Did you expose? You'll know when you expose...by conscious choice and intent for truth.

Did you take action? Yes. You chose to talk to OW and state you are married...

Why ask all these questions which no one has the answers to except your WH and OW? Why go there? How does that benefit you? Why does attempting to read the future, which as humans we can't know, benefit your present?

What are you going to choose to do? You have faced the truth that your WH is wayward. He is having an affair, considers himself not married...are you now going to respect his truth as his? Choose according to yours?

The very assumptions you make about your life are helping to destroy it. Find out and know truth, B33...please don't make it up as you go along, increasing your pain and suffering.

LA

It has been a hard two days. I went to my MIL's funeral yesterday and showed my respect because I loved her dearly. I didn't stay for the service because my WH disrepected me and brought this woman to the funeral and they rode in the family car. That was so horrible, not because she came but because he had her riding with them as if they were family. His mother didn't even know her.

After all the things I have done for my WH he or no one else for that matter offered me to participate. I was not even mentioned in the obituary.That hurt me very much because I knew how we felt for each other. I believe this is the end of the M. I can't stand anymore of all of the disrespect that has been thrown my way.

It was made clear to me that he has no respect or anything for me. How I was treated he might as well had spit in my face. I don't believe there is anything to fight for anymore. When I went and took what I had for the family to the house my WH had the nerve to talk to me.

When I told him he had the nerve to bring his girlfriend to this family affair He said she is not my girlfriend she is just a friend of his that was there for support. I then told him that was what I was suppose to have been. He replied "I thought you didn't want to be there to support me because of what happened last week". That was a bunch of bulls**t.

I told him he didn't seek the comfort from me he contacted the OW for that. Of course he claimed he didn't call her. Yeah Right!! I continued to tell him how I felt. He also said his father was his mother's ex and he was there. I quickly told him the difference was that I am not an ex, I am still currently his wife. Of course he went silent.

I could not take it anymore so I decided to leave. I got in my truck and left him standing there. That was the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced. I have never been treated so horibbly and disrespected to so badly.

I don't know what to feel anymore. Is this uncommon? I don't know rather to file for a divorce or go to plan b. I have to do something because I have so much hatred towards him right now for the lack or respect he showed me in front of his family and the OW. I need some support right now because I am really hurt by all of this.

I'm so sorry that you were treated this way. But I wasn't surprised at all. The WS becomes a very cold person.

I wouldn't file for a divorce. I would try Plan B first.

Your WS is going to go through a lot of grieving. The OW will not be able to support him.

Thank you very much beliver for your response. I will try plan b, but how do you successfully do that when there is children involved? After what has happened, my family don't want him to come to thier home for any reason, my MIL is gone so he can't go there, and I will NOT take them to where he is living which is with his father. Do you have any advice?

Blondie33