((((((((((zuj)))))))))
back form the weekend (no internet at home)
How was yopur weekend?
Keep going.
Kate xxx

Just checking in, in case Zuj has a moment to be on here.

How is everything going?

Im here - wow Do I have alot to catch up on.

Gawd - where on earth do i start.


Thankyou for coming and checking on me. I have thought of you all regularily but time is something I have not had alot of these past 2 weeks!!!

Ummm - where did I finish up - let me go back and check....

Ok - so we are at the start of the hospital visit.

To cut a VERY VERY VERY long story a little shorter (and it will still be an epic) let me try to update....

WH spent 10 days in the ACUTE section of the hospital. It was not appropriate for him in there, they were the very psychotic, dangerous people, but there was no bed on the other side. Each time WH got anxious/upset they woudl give him vallium.

The could not treat the chronic pain (from the leg injury) and in those entire 10 days not one orthopedic surgeon came and saw him.

I saw him every 2nd day on average. He rang me 2,3,4,5 times a day. The hospital would fill me in on details etc.

I knew that he was ringing Root - but did not know how often. He could only ring landlines, not mobiles.

Last Thursday - I CANNOT believe it is only just one week ago. i went and saw the social worker - face to face and she said to me that 'off record' she wasnt happy at all with the treatment M was getting and that she felt he would be better as an outpatient.

ANd i have to leave it there, DD7 is chucking a spaz so have to get her to bed and then ring my sister in Germany.

zuj

Yay! You're back! Thanks for the update- it's good to know how you're doing.

I know we'll have to wait for the rest of the update before offering an applicable opinion, but if he is not willing to go to NC yet, you will need to be dark.
(If you aren't already.)

Hey Zuj, glad you checked in. Been thinking of you. TT

Zuj, Good to hear from you. I have been checking daily, praying for you. Hope you are OK.

Nkay

Ok - before I go on - because I dont know how much I will get done this time either - just left the 2 little ones to play in the bedroom together - who knows how long until they kill each other.


He has BROKEN ALL CONTACT WITH ROOT!!!

I shoudl have said that at the start! Sorry!!

Its just that so much has happened - and the NC didnt commence until Friday past. So I was trying to fill in on the bit before that.

But actually - I think I'll do it this way - then go back and fill in the blanks.

COMPLETE AND UTTER NO CONTACT. COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY RE PHONE/EMAIL PLUS TELLING ME EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And he HATES her. Now when M hates someone he HATES them (he has not spoken to his father in 18 years!).

However - all is NOT rosy of course - as it would not be at this stage.

He is not living at home, although he has stayed here 4 nights this past week (and I think he will tonight too) on the lounge.

He is staying with friends (MY friends) over near where the hospital and Dr is.

He is very sick. And he has asked several times can we just be best friends atm and take it slowly re relationship. (well I certainly wasn't gonna have him jump straight back in the sack a) because he doesn't deserve it and b) he needs STD tests done!).

He is mental (im allowed to say it - Im his wife! LOL). He can't cope with alot of noise, and having 3 little ones - and rowdy little ones, is often too much for him to bare. The friends he is staying at have 2 teenagers, but they aren't often home plus he doesnt get the 'daddy daddy daddy' constantly from them.

So, things are going step by very slow step.

He is being affectionate, in that he is calling me 'bub, darl' etc and holding my hand etc. He is speaking of 'future' as in 'getting cable tv before the world cup starts so he watch all the games' (well he would need to be HOME for that)


I wish we had a spare bedroom - as it is my 2 girls share a room, the rooms are too small to put all 3 kids in teh one room.

I didnt think I'd see him today (as we spent all day yesterday together - with the 2 little ones and then picked upDD7 from school and had tea togther before he left). But he msged me this morning (yes TT - back to the texts!) and said 'Im coming over and we're going out - be ready in an hour!!'! So I am! LOL!

Which is why I have to leave it there atm.

I have set strong boundaries - he knows them. When HE brings up 'us' I reinforce those boundaries.

These is so much more to tell - but I will get around to it - maybe not tonight as he may be here - but soon!!

Luv yas all!!!

zuj

(who is hopefully but very very very scared at the same time!!!)

Before I forget - one thign I am noticing, and I know this is gonna hit me very very hard in weeks,months, years to come.

is that NOW that Root is out of the picture (Wow - wait till I tell you HOW she got out of the picture!) I am starting to 'imagine' them together and it kills me.

For instance, I was getting a new pair of pants out of a bag for DS, the docket/receipt was still in there, I looked at it and my first thought was 'OMG they were fu<king then'. Then today I was remembering something I saw at a shop and remembered when that was - and that was teh day THE DAY that he told me he wanted a 'trial separation' back on the 19th March.

Anyway - how do I deal with this - how do I deal with first sex - OMG that willb e so scary....

Hooray for NC and the downfall of the Chocolate Woman!!!!!

All I can say about the thoughts is that they get better. It's been almost a year and they are still with me, but not as much and not quite as pointedly. You just get better at shoving them aside at least some of the time.

Can't help you much about the sex - it's hard enough when it never stopped. But he will probably be more scared than you, lol.

Zuj - My husband's mental too LOL!!

I'm so pleased Root has been given the boot. Really looking forward to hearing HOW?? As for Mark, well, he'll get over it. Glad you are keeping yourself together. You have no worries over the next couple of weeks. The World Cup will be a wonderful distraction from the harsh reality of the A. Hope the noise and commotion don't upset him too much (not a hint of sarcasm !!)

Zuj, insist upon STD testing. It is absolutely not worth taking the risk. Root already had another guy in her life while she was messing around with Mark. Look after yourself. So glad you updated us - kept Neak, myself and a few others in suspense. Take care. TT

Glad your back and things are going your way as eventually I thought they would

I have been wondering and checking too.

About the triggers and imaginings. Someone described the early stages are as if you are swept away by a fast flowing river, you have no control over your thoughts at all and the river of pain is there whatever else you might be doing.Eventually the river, although it is still there, starts to be less of a torrent ,the torrent becomes a lake, the lake starts to shrink into a pond and eventually there are only a few puddles left

I could go to the movies and just about every thing I was seeing on the screen would have some connection to the a.
How long does it last? How long is a piece of string ? I am at the puddles stage now after 5 yrs.

The a was active for 16 yrs and I never found out until it was almost over and I think much of my anger was directed at myself for not finding out sooner.Some books say that it takes as long to get over as the a lasts. Your experience has been relatively short and very intense so I would think that before long it would start to seem like a very bad dream.

Hang in there--------------- we have all been where you are now. It doesnt last forever

Hey Myopia,

I like the 'river to puddle' theory. I can see that being us.

I had a few torrents yesterday...

M ( I can't call him WH anymore!!) came over at lunchtime and we headed for the computer shop over the other side of Sydney. I had organised for DD7 to be picked up from school by a friend.

Anyway, on the way over he was in a very very talkative mood, talking about 'us'. He had his visit with the GP before he came home.

The GP (as I think I said before) is happy that he is not at home atm and not rushing into 'us'. However, as I mentioned before the GP is a bloody philanderer and bonked every secretary that he had when he had his own private practise - like he can give advice on A's!!

Anyway - he was telling M to take it slowly and how things were going (other than when they spoke about the depression and pain stuff) and M said to him 'they're going well, we held hands yesterday as if nothing was wrong etc and we've been 'really' talking heaps' and the GP said 'Now your family and friends will be telling J she is a bloody idiot for taking you back, neither of you are to listen to them, it is only between you and J. It may NOT work out, it may work out that you are just friends, it may work out that things are stronger than every, but it is of no concern to anyone except you and J'.

So I was happy that M was telling me all this. Then he said the GP said 'one thing you MUST do is go to MC' and I was really glad M said that because I have wanted to mention it but didnt want to yet because he is too 'mental' within himself and needs to get that sorted.

So I said 'yes, we do, but I dont think we should yet. I think you get your IC started first, let the AD's kick in a bit more (he's only been 2 weeks on one lot and a week on the anti pyschotics to stop the brain racing) and then, maybe in a few weeks we can start going to MC. Do you want to go back to the same guy?'

M said 'yes, I think we should' (which was great, cause I wanted to - but didnt want to suggest that!)

But as we were driving along and he was telling me this stuff - of which I was so happy/relieved to hear him saying. I could feel my eyes welling up and I couldn't stop crying. And I didnt WANT to cry in front of him because I think if he sees that too much he may not want to tell me stuff because it upsets me.

So that was the first cry...

Then - we went to Ikea and he was saying (and I had seen on his phone) that the night before he had just needed a hug, he felt so low and thank goodness L(our friend) was there and could give him a hug. And I got upset but tried not to show it so walked ahead and he said 'what's wrong, you're crying, what did I say to make you cry'. And I said 'you take a hug from L and you said the same thing to Jo the other day at Soccer but you can't hug me and that hurts because I NEED A HUG SOMETIMES TOO.' and I just lost it, I couldn't stop crying and I had to walk away for 10 mins to sort myself out.

His response was 'I needed a hug and you weren't there, and also I dont think i deserve to hug you, I dont deserve anything from you.''

And THAT is what is worrying me....

M has a HUGE guilt complex - at the best of times. He couldn't even have an affair for longer than 2 weeks before he wanted a 'trial separation'. I am so scared he will NEVER forgive HIMSELF for what he has done, so won't be able to work on us. This is part of the reason he needs to go to IC, but also one of the things I will be bringing up at MC, when we start.

Then - my next torrent of tears was when we were in the foodcourt (as you can see - it wasn't a good non-teary day for me!) and he said (his memory is shot remember) that he had to go back to K&Ls tonight (last night) because he'd left his soccer stuff. And I said 'I thought you were leaving it in the car so that you could stay at home tonight if you were feeling up to it' and he said 'Yes, I was, but i forgot it was Friday, I will still stay and do all the stuff but will have to go back there tonight.' So my eyes welled up AGAIN. But not just for me this time. For my DD7. Here we were, out all afternoon with the other 2 children. They got to see Daddy all arvo. DD7 was at a friends, we picked her up at 7.30pm and came straight home and she was in bed by 8.15. Then of course, this morning daddy was gone when they kids got up.

So she got no time with him. And I got to 'real' time alone. Although he didnt leave home until after midnight to go back to K&L's. We still were rushing around getting stuff ready for this weekend (DD has an irish dancing competition this arvo).

But we did sit on the lounge together and I lied down on his lap, leaning on him, watching tv for a while. That was nice. And I said to him 'weve gotta talk.' and he said 'I know, but why do we find that we only get to talk late at night?' I said 'because we have 3 children and we've been running around like gooses all day.' He said 'true'.

I do want to say to him about the whole 'guilt' thing on his part. I need to talk to him about that, he's mentioned a few times about how he doesn't deserve anything from me and what people will think. etc etc.

I am not talking about jumping into bed straight away - good god no!

And TT - yes, I will insist on the STD test. In fact, I am going over to the GP (not my new GP) next week for DD4's needles/immunisation (as an excuse - my poor son will be in pain all so I can have a talk to the dr!!! ROFL!!) And Im going to talk to him frankly about the memory loss etc. As h ow much is related to the mental illness and how much to the drugs he is on. And also, could he speak to M about the STD test. M reckons (as I have mentioned it) that with all the blood tests he had in hospital that anything would have showed up. I tried to explain that they were specific tests - and he said 'ok, I'll mention it' but hasn't as yet.

ANYWAY,

That's about all I have time for now - and I know you're all haning out for the 'Demise of the Chocolate Root' story - but you will have to wait a little longer! LOL!

I have to get girls showered and ready for dancing and myself ready for teaching.

May be on this arvo, if not will get on tomorrow and (barring more incidents that come up in teh meantime) that wil be the first thing I let you know about! LOL!


hugs

zuj

He is home tonight, I just made him go to bed. His eyes were closing and he was snoring on the lounge.

What he doesn't realise 'yet' is that at home he feels 'safe' which is why he can sleep (he has been up night after night after night the past 2 months surviving on 3 or 4 hours sleep - if that).

Anyway - I told him he was to go into our bed, that I would sleep on the lounge tonight (it's a comfy lounge! lol!)

He had a fight with his brother on the ph tonight, then I got on (cause M was getting more and more upset) and had words (nicely) with his brother. His brother has always had the 'it's all about me' complex. Ive never really gotten on with him. He means well -but he has NO IDEA of the mental illness that M has. And he has no idea how to speak to M.

Thank god, 20mins before BIL rang M had had 2 vallium. As it was his pacing and panic was huge. So I grabbed the ph and sent M upstairs and said to BIL 'the littlest thing sets him off, I am treading on eggshells here. Here we were having a 'good' night, kids were in bed and fed and calm and we were sitting watching tv, having dinner and talking and now it's going to take me 2 hours to calm him down.' You CAN"T speak to him agressively atm.

Then I rang my MIL and told her what had happened. She has been TRULY wonderful throughout all of this. I have never particularily been close to her - but these past few months we have gotten closer and closer. She knows exactly what I mean re M's anxiety/depression and is going to ring BILs wife tomorrow (who is prob the only one who WILL get thru to BIL)a bout how to deal with M atm.

ANyway - can't talk for longer, have to get stuff ready for tomorrow. Here I was thinking we coud have an 'us' talk tonight and friggen BIL has spoilt all that - thanks MATE!!!

zuj

So I finally get a chance to sit down, uninterrupted and give the 'story'.

Well Chocolate Root from heellll was rooting someone else whilst rooting WH. She had been 'doin' them both for AT LEAST 4 weeks (and remember my WH had only been with her since the end of Feb - so the new bloke had been on the scene since the beginning of April) WH had not/did not want to notice because I was still in Plan A, so he was still coming over here to see us and we were still going out for family days etc - so that was when she was seeing the OTHER bloke.

However - I reckon, remember those weird texts i got from him about contacting root - well I think that he got suspicious about texts/ph calls she was getting and it could well have been from the 2nd idiot man.

Anyhoo - I went to plan b on the 9th and suddenly he had all this time on his hands and was spending it at her place - and SHE WASN"T THERE....

So it all came to a crunch on the mothers day weekend, when he was feeling guilty about me/us and he did an illegal thing and logged into their work accounts (he is an IT administrator) and saw it all there on their emails.

So he went on an alcho bender and ended up where he ended up.


However - Although Root was shocked by this - she still had her claws in. He did not want to believe what he read, he wanted to believe her - I think most of that was due to pride and the fact that EVERYONE (work friends, personal friends, family) had all said she was a wh0re and suddenly there it was in black and white.

So - what a perfect tiem for her to have 'both' men. One in the loony bin, who she could ring and visit (although she only visited twice) and one out there at work who she could bonk and be with all the time.

In her warped kind of way I really think she thought she was helping WH, he said he wanted to see her/talk to her - so she did it. Even though she had said at work 'it was over'.

And as you well know TT - it was never going to be WH that called it off - he was/is too weak and it was too much of that 'romantic infidility' and his pride is too high and he is too loony!!

So - I was visiting quite often, with children and without (had special room so kids didnt see the other patients) and I was the only one allowed to 'take him out' on escorted walks for an hour. I was the one fighting with the Drs on moving him over to the other side of the ward, I was the one he was ringing up to 15 times a day to cry and say how much he hated the place.

Finally - on a Thursday I had 'it out with him' told him that I knew he was still contacting Root and that from this point on, as much as I still wanted to help him because I did not like where he was I would not come and visit anymore. We shouted and screamed at each other for 2 hours - it was really great. Lots of cards were put on the table, things he had never said in the 15 years we have been together.

Then, Friday he was discharged.

Now - root had told him that she was going away for the weekend 'to get away from it all and think!' and he had found out through digging at work that the OM was going away for the weekend back to his house down south (5 hours drive). Well WH knew in his heart of hearts that Root was lying to him -she'd been caught out too many times, but he decided to 'set her up'. So he didnt tell her he was getting discharged.

He then turned up at her place after discharge - sure enought, she's not there. He went to the blokes place - he wasn't there. He went to the 'hang outs' neither there. Duruing this time he was texting her as if he was still in the hospital. Saying things like 'I bet its cold down there' and she said 'bloody freezing' and 'whats the number of the hotel so i can ring u, can't ring mobiles on the commonroom phone but I can ring land lines' (she didnt answer that one) finally she wrote and said 'iM playing snoooker with a couple at a pub' WH wrote back and said 'ahh - we'd beat them - I grew up in a pub, Im an ace place'. She wrote back 'Im WITH MICK, You and me are just friends (good grammar hey!) I want you to get on with your life, Im having a great time!'

Well - if that wasn't a kick in the face........(or someone ELSE that hurt even more.

This was about 11pm on the Friday night.

He had been contacting me throughout this time telling me he was driving around. Finally he sent through her text message (above) and his response to it (basiclaly telling her that she had ruined his life and everyone saw her for what she was excpet him blah blah blah) then he wrote a text to the other man and told HIM all the lies she had told etc etc etc.

He was also ringing his best mate (thank god) and his best work mate whilst this was all going on.

Finally at 2am I get a text to say he was calling in at home to pick something up and then was driving over to the best mates place to sleep in the car until soccer the next morning (remember, we are in winter here in Australia atm). I could see that this was a cry for help, but too proud to say so.

So I texted back and said 'this is your home too M, You are welcome to come home tonight and sleep on the lounge where you are safe and warm.'

20mins later the door opened. We sat up and talked until 4am. Then he fell asleep on lounge and I was out the door with teh kids for our busy Saturday by 8am (I was a BIT tired that day!)

Well, he woke at 1pm and then went to soccer, then he rang me and asked if he coudl come and see the kids and I and have dinner with us then he woudl go to our mutual friends place to stay. I said we were out at a dancing party and he asked where it was and could he come!!! I freaked! But said 'ok!'

He turned up and it was great cause there were only 20 of us there, all good friends, one a psychologist who went straight up to him, hugged him and started talking to him.

He came home and slept on the lounge that night too.

The next day he asked if he and I (and our baby) could go shopping for the day. We had a great time, no touching, no talk about us, but quite a bit about Root and what a ride he had been taken on. This is all 2 weekends ago now

His memory is shot - he is very confused. Not sure how much is the tablets, how much is the mental illness and how much is guilt.

This last couple of days he has been much much better with the depression, teh tablets finally seem to have kicked in, plus he has started the social worker appointments.

He has spent half the time here, half at our friends. He has said that 'we' seem to be getting on well. He is veyr very very very guilty and ashamed (as well he should be of course)

He is very transparent with phone, he tries not to talk about root and apologises to me when/if it has to come up. I asked him if she had tried to contact him or him her, he said no, then stopped and said 'actually, I asked J at work to tell her NEVER to contact me in any way shape or form.' (I was pleased to hear that!)

He has not tried to be intimate in any way with me, although I must admit today he told me how nice I looked and kissed me goodbye, long kiss but not snog.

I am starting to lose it - although today I am better. Tuesday and Monday i was a bloody mess. Tuesday especially. And unfortunately he saw it and we had a big fight and I had tears streaming.

But fighting IS communicating, and they are not nasty fights, so perhaps this is a good thing....

Things are moving very slowly. I dont know whether to say we are in recovery because there is reallly no 'relationship' there as in 'intimate'. It is all very friendly, but all very 'surface'.

But it is nice, and I am enjoying my time with him as I had missed him dreadfully. I just dont know how long I can be patient enough only to have the 'friendly' bit without the 'wife' bit.

I have been told by a friend who suffered severe depression that when she was in the real depths of despair she could not even think of touching her husband, not even in a friendly way, and that this is quite common. So I dont know how much of this is the same with M, and how much of his is guilt.

I do know he said the other day that he didnt 'DESERVE' to hug me. His best mate has told me that M is constantly telling him how terrible his behaviour was and he doesn't know how he could have done it to me and how will he ever forgive himself.

So - this is the update. There is lots more that has happened, the rollercoaster is still rolling fast. HOwever at least now we seem to be 10 steps forward 8 steps backwards, instead of the opposite.

Oh - and to cap the story of Chocolate Root lost her job and did NOT get the job in Newcastle as she is not allowed on her visa! WOOHOOOO!!!

zuj

Zuj - you've done a great job of holding things together whilst he was falling apart but the stress of it all was bound to catch up with you. The A has finished in a relatively short time - I'm so glad it hasn't dragged on like my situation. OW held onto my WH for a very long time before she decided she'd had enough.

Has M agreed to STD testing? Root was playing him and who knows how many before.

I really hope things continue to improve. At least they no longer work together. TT

What a wild ride!

It sounds like you are both in a pretty good place, considering. Baby steps will get you where you need to go.

Has he agreed to go to counseling with you? You cannot underestimate what a GOOD counselor can do to help get your marriage on a solid footing again.

Goody goody, is her visa going to expire right away?

You were so lucky to get a promiscuous OW - so many of them seem to be pathologically loyal to their chosen cheater.

If it were me, I would also still be asking that a NC letter be sent. To me it was really a formal solidifying of the promises he was making - an early way to show that he was backing up words with actions.

You would also want to block her or change your contact info, because it is a good possibility that when things fall through with her current slud (sl*t + st*d), that she will be calling M back again.

Great job, Zuj!

Yes TT - to the STD test - he has agreed to have it done, has got the pathology referal from the dr.

And yes Neak - he has agreed to MC - in fact he brought it up again this morning when I said to him 'this sometimes feels like it was all a bad dream and I don't want it to feel like that because it might happen again if that is the case'. And he said ' We need to go back to that MC' and I said 'yes we do.' But he doesn't want to go weekly - he reckons that the bloke is just money hungry wanting to see us weekly.

M has been much more 'open' regarding conversations and arguements, and I said that to him today 'make sure you tell me when u don't agree with me, dont just walk away' He said "im trying to do just that" and I said 'well, keep dong it!'

He has gone over to a friends tonight, the State of Origin is on tonight (that is football, one state against another state) and the family he has gone over to are from Queensland (we're from New South Wales) so he will have a good time with them heckling each other.

He is much better within himself re the depression.

I am much better this week. We have been speaking much more normally and we are both less anxious.

Now to get this 'recovery' right!!!!

zuj

Zuj - Recovery is not my domain. Crazy husbands, mad OW's, Fatal Attraction, yes; Recovery, no. I hope some other folks can join in here and give you some solid advice on where to go from here. Mind you, Neak is usually not far behind me and she seems to be doing very well. So pleased he agreed to STD tests and MC. Good luck Zuj. TT

Thought for today: your feelings will be all over the map. Some days you will adore him, others you will all but hate him. Some days you will desire him passionately, others you will hardly be able to stand for him to touch you. Don't let this affect your behavior. Act like a loving wife, whether you feel like one or not, and you will become a loving wife.

That is not to say don't talk to him if you are having a hard time. You can, and you should. But do not treat him badly when you feel badly.

Thanks for that thought Neak - that sums it up exactly.

And TT - LOL but sad LOL about your comments!

We are doing ok, in fact we are doing well. He has been home a few nights, and will be home again tonight. He had the psych today - not sure how it went yet, he didnt ring me afterwards and I have to go out to teach in 5 mins time so I wont find out until after 8.30pm. He wrote me a text to say he was going for a ride and did I need anything from teh shops on his way home, and he'd be home in an hour or 2. So I am assuming he has alot to sort out in his head re what the psychs had to say.

Of course it did go thru my mind 'maybe he is off to see her' and Im sure that will happen alot - but in all honesty I really dont think that is the case.

Must run- kids are ferral outside!!! Just wanted to check in and let you know all is well, we went on a date on Saturday night - farmed the kids out and had a night at the movies and dinner - it was lovely and not strained at all really.

Hugs
zuj