I've been reading/lurking for quite a while. The profound loss, sadness, and feelings of hopelessness that many have shared hit so close to home.

However, what saddens and worries me are the feelings shared by BS's and FWS's who are working on the marriage, but still doubt their feelings and their love for their partner.

My WH has no desire to work on the marriage, no desire to participate in MC, and is simply waiting until the end of the school year (at my sons' request) to make his exit.

This, after 20 years (next Wednesday is our anniversary) of me feeling EXTREMELY loved, desired, and wanted.

So, if all of you have difficulty after WANTING to repair your M, am I torturing myself by staying with a man who has no desire to be married to me, ever?

NC has only truly been for 1 week. Exposure has been difficult because he has been so good at hiding everything. All I have is her cell phone number, and I know she works somewhere at his place of employment (1000+ employees there). I have asked him to transfer out, and he refuses.

I'm dizzy with information about Plan A/Plan B. I'm trying to weigh my own desire keep him in the marriage, against the pain of continuing to live in the charade. I'm about as scared as I can possibly be. I LOVE THIS MAN WITH ALL MY HEART. But, when do I know enough is enough? Do I need to just ask him to leave, despite what the kids want? Do I try to force him into counseling somehow?

I never, ever thought it would come to this. My whole life, happiness, and security have been built around this man and this marriage. This just plain should not be happening.

I think the main thing to keep in mind is to try the plans here so that 5 years from now you can look back and have no regrets. I was not able to save my marriage, and have spent 3 years trying, but I do have peace about it, and my life is good again.

I think it would be terrible to always wonder if the marriage could have been saved.

onlysorrow, your marriage probably is very salvagable if you use this program. Have you read about Plan A and Plan B? What about Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley? Just because your H wants to leave NOW doesn't mean he still will once the affair is really over and contact ends. But contact has to end before that will ever happen.

You have to do some work to bust up the affair. The first step is reading about and understanding what you are dealing with, though. It's way too soon to throw in the towel before you have tried to save your marriage.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.