I just found out on Monday that my husband has been having an affair for the past five months with our best friend. I don't know what to do. We have two small children ages 14months and 1 month. I love him and he says he loves me, but he also says we love her. I have been friends with her for ten years and he has been friends with her for eight. He was also best friends with her husband. The have two small children as well. I feel like I have no one except my children. We did everything with them they were like family. My husband say he is staying, and want to try and work things out. Also what makes it worse is that he did this while I was pregnant and had post partum depression from having our other child. I feel like my life is over. I don't know what to do or where to begin picking up the pieces. I want to know every detail, but when I find out things it makes me feel worse. I don't think from the beginning we started our relationship well. We had a long distance relationship for almost a year, immeadiately moved in together while i was finishing school, bought a house, got engaged, got married, had baby, baby two, and then the affair. We never really got to know each other. We didn't know ourselves. Do we have a chance? Can we continue and learn to love again? Please help i feel like i am floating and i don't know what to do.

yes, you have a chance.

you must get your hands on the book surviving an affair as soon as possible.

No Contact must be implemented. That is no contact for any of you ever again.

Well, that is after you tell her husband. It has to be done. He has every right to know.

please read the book, read here on the site and in the forums, post often for support.

is counseling an option? If so, try calling Steve Harley at MB and setting up a phone appointment.

General Questions is busier if you do not get enough responses here.

hang in there

It is absolutely essential that your inform her husband. First, he has a right to know. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you wish to informed? Second, this is a major way to stop the afair from starting again. Thirdly, if you do not inform her husband then you are sending a message to her that there are no consequences to her actions and that she is free to start up with your husband anytime in the future. Please inform the husband immediately. It is critical that you do this. I wish you luck.

As a recently betrayed spouse my heart goes out to you...know that there is always hope. This message board is a wonderful tool. You can get a lot of support here. Please heed the above advice and get a NC agreement started, read all you can and find a counselor. I know you don't think you can handle this but you can do it and you will do it. You will be a much stronger person on the other side of this!

Her husband knows. We are in counseling. It is just so hard because i have two small children and i have to get up everyday and take care of them when i just want to lay in bed and cry. I can't eat and when i do i feel sick. I have my good days and bad. It is just a struggle. It is also hard because i am mourning the death of her friendship as well as for the loss of her family in my life. Her children were like my own. They called us aunt and uncle even though we had no blood relation. They had even left their kids to us if something were to happen to them. So, not only am i in pain for my family, i feel an incredible loss from losing her family. Could it be possible to ever have them in our lives again? What do i tell my children. My daughter is named after her do i change that. I have her children's picutres in my house, do i take them down? It is just an all around incredible loss. I even have times when i feel like she is not the other woman, and i need to call her and tell her what this awful woman did to my family. Should we move cities. We live ten miles apart, we attended many of the same events, grocery stores, etc. Do we need to leave? Will my husband resent me if we do leave?

What an awful situation to be in. Has the OW's husband decided to stay in the marriage and work on recovery also?
It is generally considered that No Contact is absolutely essential so that the affair will not start up again. This affair is such a double betrayal to you and the OW's husband since you were all like family. Has the OW apologized to you? I would think about talking to the OW's husband to make sure that you are both on the same page so the affair does not start up again.

The way you described your situation is very very sad. The fact that your husband would do this with your best friend while you were pregnant is unspeakable. Your husband and your friend both have a boken moral compass. The fact that apparently they has no problem putting their spouses through such humiliation speaks volumes about their character. That she would do this to you and yet if anything happened she would want you to take care of her children is unbelievable.

Certainly moving would be an option. I would like you to move away from a husband who could do such a thing to a wife who is pregnant. Your ties to this couple were so very close and yet apparently they had no problem destroying the relationship forever. I strongly suggest counseling. I would find it extremely difficult to ever truth either one of them again. I know this is no answer but what they did to their spouses makes my blood boil. I wish you luck.

How do I react when my husband says he doesn't think it was an addiction? He thinks by calling it an addiction it is taking away from the love he has for her. What do i do please help. I am ready to pack the kids up and leave. He says he wants to try, but he feels i trivialize what he had with her.
She confronted him with her feelings. He told me he had always had feeling for her, but they weren't loving feelings until after the affair started. What do I do? He won't say no contact for life, because he wants to hope that someday we can have a relationship with the whole family. He said it would be different but he still hopes that somday we can see all of them again.
He also says if we move away he may resent me. He feels like he can't make any decisions. Like I am the one making all the decisions and I am telling him what to do. What should I be telling him?
Please help I am desperate

SNR419

snr419-

I am so sorry you are here. But maybe I can help you. I was in your exact same shoes almost 7 full years ago. My H had affair with BF, we were all friends, she was my best friend, we watched each others kids, went on vacation over 2000 miles together, camped together, partied together..........the works. June 1, 1999 my H told me. I wanted to die. I remember I kept asking myself and H "why, why why". I think I asked that for about 3 years. I went through the numb stage-which it seems you are at now. That lasted about 6-8 weeks. The withdrawal from the frind wwas awful-I wanted and needed her at that ime and she was not there. Once I got done being numb I got mad! I was super mad for a long time. You will be happy to know that life does go on. It is tough, very tough, but you will make it.
I can't tell you what to do as that is your situation. But yes there is hope. My H and I are still together and happier than ever. H fully regrets his choices back then and took full responsibility for his actions.
We also have 2 children together. As far as I know the OC are still married also. We live in a small town and they do also but we moved shortly after it all came out so we are in neighboring towns. That is a huge help. I am also working full time now so I don't get out much and I never run in to her any more.
Do what is right for you and the kids. Right now you are hurting terribly but you are the one who needs to take care of you-don't depend on anyone else and you won't be let down.

MB is a wonderful site to be at for this type of situation. I came here and was helped so much. You can read old posts by "heartache" in the general questions I. That would be me :-)
I will pray for you and the kids and your H. If you have questions please feel free to ask although I am not on much any more.

If the roles were reversed, do you think your husband would accept such dribble from you? Do you think your husband would accept you saying I do not want no contact for life from my lover? I want my lover and her family to become friends again in the future? I will resent you if you make me move away from my lover? Oh please...... You deserve a whole lot better than this and so does your children. He is trying to play you. Do not fall for this. You are not seconds and the doorprize. My opinion from what you described and his deliberate attempt to destroy two families shows he has no moral character and a broken moral compass. I would seek an attorney for further options. You deserve better.

if he can't say he will have no contact for life is it over?
Do i have a chance?

he called her last week with me in the room and told her to not call or try and see him, because we are trying to work it out. the call was very long and drawn out, and I don't feel like he protected me in the conversation. I wanted him to say the things like what is in the no contact letter, but it just basically said what i said above. And it sat there and listened to her. Afterwards she wanted to talk to me and I did. I didn't have much to say to her except please leave me and my family alone. So he thinks writing the letter is redundant, since he has already called her to tell her it is over and we are working on it

That no contact letter is important for you and her betrayed husband.

Putting this in writing formalizes the no contact intent and leaves no ambiguity.

He needs to write this letter, hand it to you for approval and mailing.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of no contact for everyones healing in this.

Stay Strong!