I just found out on Monday that my husband has been having an affair for the past five months with our best friend. I don't know what to do. We have two small children ages 14months and 1 month. I love him and he says he loves me, but he also says we love her. I have been friends with her for ten years and he has been friends with her for eight. He was also best friends with her husband. The have two small children as well. I feel like I have no one except my children. We did everything with them they were like family. My husband say he is staying, and want to try and work things out. Also what makes it worse is that he did this while I was pregnant and had post partum depression from having our other child. I feel like my life is over. I don't know what to do or where to begin picking up the pieces. I want to know every detail, but when I find out things it makes me feel worse. I don't think from the beginning we started our relationship well. We had a long distance relationship for almost a year, immeadiately moved in together while i was finishing school, bought a house, got engaged, got married, had baby, baby two, and then the affair. We never really got to know each other. We didn't know ourselves. Do we have a chance? Can we continue and learn to love again? Please help i feel like i am floating and i don't know what to do.

Her husband knows. We are in counseling. It is just so hard because i have two small children and i have to get up everyday and take care of them when i just want to lay in bed and cry. I can't eat and when i do i feel sick. I have my good days and bad. It is just a struggle. It is also hard because i am mourning the death of her friendship as well as for the loss of her family in my life. Her children were like my own. They called us aunt and uncle even though we had no blood relation. They had even left their kids to us if something were to happen to them. So, not only am i in pain for my family, i feel an incredible loss from losing her family. Could it be possible to ever have them in our lives again? What do i tell my children. My daughter is named after her do i change that. I have her children's picutres in my house, do i take them down? It is just an all around incredible loss. I even have times when i feel like she is not the other woman, and i need to call her and tell her what this awful woman did to my family. Should we move cities. We live ten miles apart, we attended many of the same events, grocery stores, etc. Do we need to leave? Will my husband resent me if we do leave?

{{snr419}} Welcome to MB. First read the link in my sig line for betrayed spouses. Now first, NO CONTACT period is the only way to handle this from now on. You cannot be friends with this woman any more and I am not really sure why you would want to. I know you are mourning not only the betrayal of your H but of your friend too. Please be sure to eat and drink and get rest, especially with a new baby. Is there anyone that can help you? Get the book Surviving An Affair and read it. I am very, very sorry.

Harley recommends moving if necessary to keep NC in place. Why would your H resent you? My goodness, please realize you did not do anything that deserves this. Yes, your M may have issues and I am glad you are in counseling but remember that your H had other options besides betraying you and his friend.

Sorry you find a need to be here. It's much slower on the weekends, so I'm just posting to let you know help will be along, even if it takes till Monday.

The very first thing for you to do is purchase a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley, founder and sponsor of this site. Until you can get your hands on the book, start at the home page and read everything you can about infidelity.

To answer a couple of your questions, the first thing you'll need to do is make sure the affair is over. You may have to do a fair amount of exposure to see to it the affair stops. The H(usband) of the OW (other woman, your best friend) must be told, if he doesn't already know. You should be the one to tell him all you know. This is the best way to keep the affair from continuing.

As soon as the A is over, your H must write a NC (no contact) letter to the OW, one that you see, and go to the mail box with your H to mail. From that moment on, there should be zero contact with these now former friends. Anything your H tells you about continuing the friendship is a lump of lard. Affairs are like addictions, and for those two to be together will never allow the A to completely die.

Get the book and read it. These forums give help based on the Marriage Builder's principals, and you'll recieve help through a very long and difficult period in your life. The loss of friendship is secondary to what your H is putting you through. You will have a lot of very difficult decisions to make as a result of his bad decision making.

You may want to see a Dr. for some AD's, as this will be a rollercoaster ride of the likes you've never seen.

Don't make any rash decision while in the throes of all this emotion.

Read, read, read, get the book and continue posting to help you along the way.

Best wishes,
SD

What a truly painful situation you have found yourself in. I'm so sorry for you and your little children. Your WH and friend have made such a mess for you to untangle. Right now, I would just try to get yourself into a proper care routine with the babies. Do you have any family who could help you at this difficult time? Take your time to think about what you want and where you want to go. Don't make any rash decisions. You have done nothing wrong.

It is the end of the friendship - no doubt about it. Whether you want it to be the end of the marriage is your choice. You are in control. Do not be manipulated into any decisions you are uncertain about.

Your life is NOT over. Those little children will light up your life and bring you such happiness. But this is a very sad time for you - you are entitled to grieve. God bless. TT

I agree with all the good advice above, especially that the BEST thing you can do right now is to take good care of your health. You've got alot going on in your life just taking care of two babies. And you're at risk of post-partum depression again as I'm sure you know.

Everything else is secondary. Taking care of the babies and taking care of YOU are your primary goals, right?

If you haven't read through the Basic Concepts section you'll want to do that. Also you'll want to take a look at Plan A & Plan B. The link is a little hard to find so I'll post it here for you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

And as mentioned by FaithfulFollower, you'll want to read Surviving An Affair, and WAT's thread.

You're probably feeling REALLY overwhelmed right about now, but all of this is a process. Rome wasn't built in a day. And your marriage won't be healed in a day. So, be patient with yourself. It takes awhile.

You've had a double-whammy...betrayal by your best friend *and* your husband. While it's possible that the marriage can be salvaged, it's not likely the friendship will recover. 'NO CONTACT FOR LIFE' is the recommended plan in this situation. (It might help you to remember that she wasn't much of a friend anyway. REAL friends don't mess around with your husband.)

Personally, I would have no problem whatsoever in NEVER speaking to a former friend who so betrayed me. I'd have less problem renaming my child than hearing that name spoken in my household for the remainder of my life. If I were you, I'd mail her back any pictures or mementos along with whatever legal documents regarding emergency care of the children and the NO CONTACT LETTER. I'd take her name off of emergency contact numbers, and if it was feasable...yes, I'd move to another city or town.

You have every right to do all those things. But you know what?....you don't have to decide ANY of that today.

Your story made me sick to my stomach. I am so sorry. I dont have any children but I know exactly what you are going through. My WH had a 2yr A with his female "friend".

The minute your WH and your "friend" crossed that line, she was no longer your friend.

I agree, remove all reminder of your friend from your house. It will only bring you pain.

If your daughter is still a toddler and has a nickname, I'd start calling her that and I'd probably get her name changed eventually if it is something you must do. Who knows as you and your WH go through counseling, you may decide to keep your daughter's name.

Take one day at a time. It will get better. The short-time upside is that I lost the weight I've tried so hard to lose for years in a less than two months.

Keep strong for your children and most of all yourself.

Post deleted by LLG

Hi SNR,

I have been in your shoes. My WH had an affair with my former best friend. At least, that's what I thought she was. I didn't see it coming either and I know that you are probably in a lot of shock. It hurts like crazy and I remember the hard time I had with the amount of betrayal. But, there is hope for your family.

Please get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Harley and Chalmers. Find a marriage counselor that subscribes to the philosophy of the marriage builders principles. Before you get the book or while you wait for it to arrive, read everything on this site about infidelity.

Most of all, don't ever think that you caused this. Affairs happen because something was missing and a choice was made by the infidels. You might have not been the best wife or partner BUT you did not make this choice. Your Husband and the OW made the choice to take a friendship and turn it into something sordid. They made the choice to jeapordize their marriages, families and the long term friendships by starting up the affair.

Your marriage can recover but you need to be strong, and your husband has to commit to the marriage and turn away from the affair. You are going to see him go through withdrawal as if the OW was a drug. You are also going to go through a long and difficult grieving process. The grief will be for the lost friendship but also for the loss of what you thought your marriage was.

My kids are still friends with the OWs children. But, NC is THE most important part of this process, esp in the beginning. He can not see her or talk to her and he has to write a letter to her that you get to approve and send. This letter is to tell her that the affair was wrong and hurtful to you and your family. That he deeply regrets the affair and that he can not and will not have any more contact with her and that she is to respect that decision and not seek contact with him, in fact, avoid all contact with him.

You are going to be in for a long hard roller-coaster of a ride but you will survive this and hopefully come out of this a better person than how you went into it. I pray that your husband will also do this. I have you in my prayers. Please take care of yourself and your darling babies.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Loni

what should a no contact letter say.

Have you read the book by the harleys, Surviving an Affair? There is a great example in it (plus the book should be your best resource for moving thru this).

In His arms.

Below is the copy of Dr. Harley's letter, along with an important link and a few other samples of NC letters that I copied from another thread...Remember, friends can become lovers, but lovers can NEVER become friends...I know this seems like the end of the world for you, but your marriage is VERY recoverable and no matter what, you will get through this and be ok...stick around, MB can be a much needed lifeline for you right now...Hugs to you...

Mrs. Wondering

Dr. Harley's NC Letter(From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

He would also need to agree to the Four Rules of Protection:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html




Try some of these, edit as necessary. GOOD LUCK!

OP,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BHBHBH did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BHBHBH for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he’s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

WS

To: OP

I have behaved in a selfish and inconsiderate way that has resulted in much pain to my husband and family. I know that marital reconciliation with my husband is the right thing to do, but will never fully repay the heartache I have caused. I love him and want things to work out so we can have our family back and whole, and realize all of our dreams together. To protect him, I have decided to break off all contact with you for the rest of my life. All things considered, I think it is best that I never contact you for the rest of my life and I expect the same from you. This decision, this promise to not ever contact you in any way, direct or indirect, is for life. I am so sorry for what I have done to my family. I ask that you respect my promise and never seek to contact me. I will refuse any such attempts to contact me and notify BHBHBH immediately.
I am trying to do the right thing and set my family and my life straight. I have been completely honest with BHBHBH about everything. He knows everything. The selfish and inconsiderate damage that I have caused can never be fully repaired but breaking off all contact with you is the first step towards a rebuilding of trust. I hope that in time BHBHBH will learn to trust me again and you will understand the reasons for this.
WS

To: OP

I am sending this letter to confirm for you that I have reconciled with my husband.
To protect him, I have decided to break off all contact with you. This decision, not to contact you or interact with you in any way is permanent and not subject to change. I ask that you respect my decision, and never seek to contact me, or interact with m. I will refuse all efforts to initiate contact with me, and I will notify BHBHBH immediately of any contact between us. I have been completely honest with BHBHBH about everything that has transpired. This is essential to rebuild a trusting relationship between BHBHBH and I, and I have committed myself to doing so.
I hope that this letter makes my position perfectly clear.
WS

OP,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for BHBHBH and our children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BHBHBH did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BHBHBH for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me or my family. I have told BHBHBH everything. I will tell him if you contact me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

WS


OP,

I am writing this letter for one reason only. All communication between you and I must come to an end immediately! If BHBHBH and I are ever going to resolve our differences and re-establish the trust we once had, you and I cannot communicate with each other ever again in this lifetime.
I'm sure you can understand BHBHBH's position on this issue and if you were in his shoes that you would feel exactly the same way he does.
I love him and he deserves a 100% effort from me to make each other and our family as happy as possible.
I wish you well, and I expect your full and complete cooperation in this matter.

WS

How do I react when my husband says he doesn't think it was an addiction? He thinks by calling it an addiction it is taking away from the love he has for her. What do i do please help. I am ready to pack the kids up and leave. He says he wants to try, but he feels i trivialize what he had with her.
She confronted him with her feelings. He told me he had always had feeling for her, but they weren't loving feelings until after the affair started. What do I do? He won't say no contact for life, because he wants to hope that someday we can have a relationship with the whole family. He said it would be different but he still hopes that somday we can see all of them again.
He also says if we move away he may resent me. He feels like he can't make any decisions. Like I am the one making all the decisions and I am telling him what to do. What should I be telling him?
Please help I am desperate

that is called "fogeze" he is so deep in the fog that a foghorn is going to have a hard time penetrating. Of course he wants to see her again, he still loves her.

You really need to see about getting the two of you into counseling- QUICK. Can you call Steve Harley for an appointment?

He is so following the WS script- know you are not alone in this.

Hang in there

if he can't say he will have no contact for life is it over?
Do i have a chance?

yeah you still have a chance. Hopefully, after the fog lifts, he'll realize there can not be further contact.

Is he refusing to write the no contact letter?

he called her last week with me in the room and told her to not call or try and see him, because we are trying to work it out. the call was very long and drawn out, and I don't feel like he protected me in the conversation. I wanted him to say the things like what is in the no contact letter, but it just basically said what i said above. And it sat there and listened to her. Afterwards she wanted to talk to me and I did. I didn't have much to say to her except please leave me and my family alone. So he thinks writing the letter is redundant, since he has already called her to tell her it is over and we are working on it

you should free to be in contact with her husband..

what is the status of their relationship

you could refer her husband here as well
ARK

What do I do if the other woman, who use to be my best friend will not stop calling me? Do I answer her calls or do I just ignore them?