What do i do if he is not seeing her anymore, but he still loves her. He is staying because sometimes he feels obligated and sometimes he feels like there is something in our marriage worth saving. What plan should i be enforcing. How should I be acting? What should I be saying to him? I just don't know what to do.

Are you sure contact is over?

If so, then you need to make yourself and your home so welcoming to him that he wants to be there.

If contact is over, he is going to have to go through withdrawal. Withdrawal is tough. Dr. Harley talked about it on his show yesterday.

Have you taken the EN questionaire? Have you asked him if he will take his part? If he won't take it for him and get going on meeting those needs. It won't be easy, but you have to try.

Hang in there

SNR,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much. But moveforward is right. You need to make home a place he wants to be. I cleaned like crazy - and I hate housework. But I found solace in scrubbing the tub, making everything look and feel good. In the end, I think I did it more for me than for him.

FWH's say crazy things. All that stuff is "fog stuff". And while it hurts, you still need to listen. Hear what he is saying between the lines.He will, over time, tell you why he did this. Try to stay calm. Get a notebook and write down all the yelling stuff you want to say so you have an outlet.

I can remember my H screaming at the top of his lungs how much he hated being at home. Now, it is his favorite place to be. My H felt obligated as well. And it is a good thing. If he hadn't, we wouldn't be where we are. That obligation is hiding out as his love for you and for his family.

As for the addiction, that could be true. My H is a recovering addict (9 years sober). Our MC (marraige counselor) beleives, as do I and my H, that his A was a relapse. The A started about 2 months after his mother died. Did something happen to him just prior to the A starting? It might be worthwhile to see if something tipped his scales. I'm not saying that he has any issues.

My H and I were in a really bad place prior to his A. I shut down sexually and in effect, shut him out. But the main problem that we had was communciation. We just did not talk to each other - at all. We lived in the same house but did not do anything together, did not have any type of conversation. My life was consumed with my daughter, homework, making dinner, work, and of course, my BF. There was no time for him and I made very little effort to create any. And neither did he. He was just as bad in his own way. It was really bad on both sides. Again, do not misunderstand me. He should have talked until I heard him, letting me know how miserable he was. His decision to have an affair is his alone and he is responsible for that decision. Yours is too. Don't forget that. If he was unhappy, then he should have made sure he let you know until you got it - fully.

There is something you need to understand and you need to make sure you TELL him this. He is not in love with her. He is in love with how he feels when he is with her. THIS IS REALLY BIG so I'll say it again. He is in love with how he feels when he is with her. There is a big difference. And you need to understand that as well. This A if different from most. If you were like me, your FBF (former best friend) knew the problems and issues you guys were having. Of course, she did. You talked to her about them. So she has a roadmap of what not to do. Well, you do too. You need to make home the place he wants to be. Clean the house, put up the toys, take a shower, light candles so the house smells good. And eat. Eat something. I survivied on water for the first couple of weeks. I lost 13 pounds in the first two weeks. I was overweight to begin with and the happy consequence is I have now lost a total of 40 pounds and IMNSHOIin my not so humble opinion), look great. But that is beside the point. Keep a bottle of water with you all the time. While you need food, something. Chicken noodle soup. That worked well too. The point is you have the whole package. His home, his kids. And while it doesn't feel great, those will be the things that keep him with you in the beginning. Take and run with it. A very dear friend of mine told me that when all of this first happened to me. She was soooooo right. And what a package it has become!

These first few weeks are going to miserable but just hold on. It will get better. There is a book I'd like to recommend to you. It is the first one I read. The Five Love Languages. It talks about what people view as love and that what you think is a loving gesture might not be to your H. But mostly, hang out on this sight. There are some really valuable words written here. Read the information that the Harley's have. There is a wealth of information on what you should do, what to expect and how to work through all of the land mines that keep popping up. Bob Pure's posts are invaluable. And there are so many others - I just don't remember their names. And keep in mind that the percentage of marriages that survive is pretty high. And those that do, life is so much better. I'm a testament to that.

ellcee

Today I told him to leave because I want what is going to make him happy. I think he was very shocked. He told me he doesn't think we have given us a chance yet. He thinks we still have something worth saving. I don't know what to think. Should I let him read the book surviving an affair. I started reading it today. I thought since it discusses plan a and plan b he shouldn't read it. I thought I was suppose to implement those before discussing them. I am so confused.

Hi SNR,

I think that the fact the he thinks there is something to save is a good sign. I'd buy him His Needs, Her Needs, if he is asking to read something.

But the question is, what do you want? I remember my gut reaction was to kick him out. And within a few hours, I realized I would just end up wanting to try to work it out. So I didn't see the point in having him leave. Besides, if he was in the house, then I knew where he was and what he was doing.

Have you been able to think about what you want at all?

ellcee

ellcee

I have thought about a lot of things. I want him to leave and then I want him to stay. When I want him to leave, it is because I want him to choose me and his family. It make me feel worthless knowing he may think it is better somewhere else. I am starting to get really depressed and I now have no one here to help me. She was everything to me my sister, friend, babysitter. And now I have to do everything by myself. I have to take the kids to the doctor, grocery store, anywhere to get the things done that need to be done. And I don't have anyone to talk about this. I still don't know how to act around my husband. One minute I can't stand him and the next I want to hold him and tell him everything will be alright. I want to be happy and for my kids to be happy, and I just don't know how to accomplish that. I feel like if he doesn't know that I am the one he wants and this is where he wants to be then I wish he would just leave. But I would be devastated if he did that. I don't know what to do. Is it ok if he reads Surviving An Affair. How are you doing?


SNR

Hey SNR,

Please, please don't feel worthless. Yes, you may need to look at your (you and your H) behavior as a couple. You may or may not find some fault in some of the things that you, yourself have done. Things you could have done better. I used this opportunity to examine myself and my behavior and to try to become the person that I wanted to be. But in NO WAY are you responsible for the decision that he made. That is his and his alone. But if he is saying that he thinks there is something worth saving in your marriage, then your answer lies in that sentence. He wants to be at home with you but he wants things to be better between the two of you.

As for the lack of help, I totally understand how you feel.I know that she was everything to you and that there is a big hole where she should be. But you know what? You CAN do it. If only because you have to. Yes, in some ways, it will be much more difficult. But each small thing you do on your own will give you the confidence you need to keep moving forward. And the pride that you will feel because you accomplished it will be priceless to you. I PROMISE you that.

As for people to talk to, you do have the people on this board. I know it is not the same. Do you have family in town? I didn't but I had great friends at work. I know that is not an option for you. Can you do individual counseling? Also, are you keeping any sort of journal? If not, you should start. Just grab an old notebook. It will really help you decipher all of the stuff going on in your head. One thought can take on 5 different versions but if you can get that one thought out, it will clear things up a little.

I'm doing great. Because of Katrina, we are having to renovate our house. Which is like a fresh start. My FBF and I had done a lot of work on it (which made me ill after D-Day) and now all of that is gone! To give you an idea, she told my H that I was using him for his money so that we could buy a house. Look we are NOT millionaires. It is an nice house in a nice neighborhood but that's it. So, now I am busy picking out tubs, tile and knobs. My H races motorcycles and went out of town on Sunday. It usually makes me very uneasy but not this time. I'v told him that I am posting with you and he hopes that our story can help the two of you.

I check the boards several times a day so if you need to talk, just post or send me a private message.

Keep strong!

ellcee

SNR,

I forgot. Is there a chapter for the WS (Wayward Spouse)in Surviving The Affair? I wouldn't want him to read about Plan A/B so that he won't know what your plan is. I lost my book in the hurricane and can't remember.

ellcee

Snr,

Hi, I hope you are feeling better today. I just want to know if H is helping you out with the kids and the house? Did you tell him that since your bf is gone because of him, that you are feeling overwhelmed. H should be sitting down with you and making a plan on how to help clean up the mess he made. H should be helping you right now. ESPECIALLY now. But, you first have to sit him down and explain that you are feeling overwhelmed and ask for his help. (Even though he should see it) That will determine how much he is committed to rebuilding the M.

He is helping out much more with the kids. He takes them for a walk, gives them baths, plays with them. He is trying to help me find a babysitter so I can have someone if I need to go somewhere. I am not sure about a plan. We are in counseling, and trying not to talk about the affair. It is just so hard. I am becoming extremly depressed, but I know I have to go on because I have kids that depend on me. I know I need to show him that this is where he should be, but at times it is hard because I am still so hurt and angry.

Good I am so glad that he is helping you, but from the way you sound, you are still overwhelmed. My advice is to go to the Dr. and get on some anti depressants. You should be able to tell the Dr. whats going on and he will not have a problem with it. My H went on them to help him with the withdrawals, your H should get on them to. Even for just alittle while, while you are going through this phase. You know, I understand how you feel. I felt the same way with my WH but it does get better, especially if your H is helping you deal with it. My H became transparent and so should yours. Be open and honest with your H, even if you don't think he want's to hear it. You guy's must talk about affair so you can get to the root of why it happened. Please do not tip toe around it. It happened and you have to talk about it even if it hurts you both to bring it up. It helped me, I asked my H ?'s and he gave me honest answers and I gave him honest answers as well (and a few choice words <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) It made me feel good and bad, but mostly it helped me to stop thinking about it 24/7. Hang in there it will get better, but it will take lot's of time. Go to the Dr. first and get AD meds to help you both for now ok?

((((SNR))))
I hope this is ok to post. Here is a link to a book that would be very good for him to read http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

Are you involved in a church? Maybe there is a grandmotherly (our auntie) type who might could come along side you and help you during this time.

I know the anonimity of forums is usually a good thing, but there are probably a lof of us that would be willing to help if you were near us and we knew you needed something.

I know it is hard to go thru this. You are a strong woman- you can do this! You can! when you need a cheerleader to give you a boost, come post- we'll encourage. Since we can't help with babysitting, we'll help you all we can.

take care

I wish I could get on antidepressants but I am breastfeeding, so I don't think that is possible. My midwife told me to try St. Johns Wort and Rescue Remedy. I will try that and see if it helps. Thanks for all the encouraging words.

Well if your can't get on AD then your H should. But, you should still talk to your Dr. about it and see if he/she has an alternative or one that will not harm breast milk.

They both helped for me - esp. after I quit taking zoloft. It was just enough that I didn't need to go back on meds.

SNR, call your doctor. I do think there are now some ADs you can take and nurse.

Let me tell you something from my heart. I was determined to breastfeed my 2nd child as I had my first. I had struggled with depression for years, but I had not really ever had it treated.

When my 2nd child was born the post-partum was horrible. I was so stubborn. I refused to get help for it because I didn't want to stop nursing. I so wish I had. You see, there are only minimal memories of her 1st year. I think I also missed out on a lot of the normal bonding.

I know babies are born to be breastfed as all the ads say. I know, too, that moms need to be healthy to provide a healthy environment for her children. I so wish I had stopped nursing her and given her a healthy mom instead of nursing her but giving her a mom that was not what she should have been.

It is something to think about.

hang in there

I did not breastfeed with both of my children and they are just fine. Also, it will give you a break because your H can do some of the feedings if you use a bottle. If you are not eating right it would help to use formula that is full of the vitamins your baby needs right now. Just a thought <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

he was with her today and I found out. what do i do
do i leave what do I do. please help

You can stay in Plan A, and try to stay calm. I know it is hard. Also talk to her husband and let him know what you found out.

How did you find out?

Are you still around?