If it makes you feel any better, I threw out two purses that my FBF gave me on Sunday. It felt great to dump them into the trash. Fitting, don't ya think? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I wanted the stuff not for myself. I guess I just don't want her to have them. I gave them to her because she didn't have many and she didn't really have the money to go get a lot. So I knew I wouldn't be wearing my clothes for atleast a couple of years so I let her borrow them. I pretty much gave her my whole wardrobe. If i did get them back I would give them to charity. It is just that side of me that doesn't want her to have anything. Is that wrong.

No. It's not wrong at all.

It's a feeling......

- Kimmy

My husbands birthday is on Friday and I am afraid she may try to contact him. What should I do. How do I express my fears to my husband.

I want to go on the shopping trip, too. I am supposed to be in Austin next Friday if I can get my dr's appt changed.

SNR,
It is ok to feel that way. Is there another party that is not involved that could be a liason so you do not have to make contact? Who was the relative that called you this week? Maybe she would help. Just ask her to ask for your stuff back and let her go through it- to make sure ow doesn't include any notes- then deliver it to your house.

Or, you could let her have it- you after all, got what is really important- your husband.

"Your birthday is almost here. I have a fear OW might try and speak with you that day. Let's come up with a plan to make sure that does not happen. Any ideas? Let's work together as a team on this."

about the borrowed clothes ... really, could you ever put them on your body again and not feel sick to your stomach?

how was yesterday?

are you doing something for you today?

even if it is 15 minutes of exercise, do something for you today.

hang in there

snr, is that you on the phone right now with Dr. Harley?

Dr. Harley:

Our strategy comes in 2 parts:

1. complete and total no contact for life

It is important for you to stay in contact with the OWH to make sure that contact has ended.

There should be precautions to make sure that contact never takes place again. You might have to MOVE to another city.


2. Become the love of his life

I think that summarizes what Dr. Harley said. Was that you, snr?

no it wasn't me

I don't think I can do this. I am constantly wondering if he is at where he says he is at. He gave me all his passwords and addresses, but he is in a job that constanlty has meetings throughout the day. He told me he would call from his work phone before and after the meeting. I am constantly on the computer trying to find out whrere he is . i feel like I can't continue a life like this. I know it is early but I just don't know if I can do this.

You can do it.

Yes, you have this need to check on him.

Thankfully, he is checking in to you- that says a lot about him and his commitment to you and your marriage.

Come on, SNR. Don't give up.

You say you can't do this. What is the alternative?

Give us more to go on here, honey.

So, why don't you tell us a little more about you. Tell us about your little ones. Those of us past that stage love to hear about the little ones.

I feel for you because you don't have your friend to call on. Are there other friends you can call on- go out to the park with the little ones? Get out of the house?

I am home recovering from a hysterectomy so I am pretty much stuck at home for a bit. Too bad, we aren't closer together, we'd hang out. We could do a craft. That seems to be my solution to everything - let's make something. I'll tell you this on myself so you can see that it really must be my solution to everything. A few weeks ago, a very good friend of mine passed away. After the funeral, I was talkig to her daughter, a senior in high school. I invited her over to just hang out, spend the night, whatever, when she felt the need to get away from the house. Her repsonse? "Yeah, I know - we'll make a craft." My son and my husband both started laughing. I was like, huh? I guess I didn't realize it til then.

So, what do you like to do?

This is all so new to you and so very understandable that you want to get to a better place as quick as possible. The truth is that it will take time for the emotional pain to ease up. Continue reading and conversing in these pages so that you will begin to understand the nature of infidelity. What has happened to you has been experienced so very many people.

Let me say in very clear words what you so much want to hear, “You and your husband have an excellent chance at saving your marriage.” The road is long but is ultimately rewarding. How about we get you on that road right now?

The first order of business before any real recovery work can begin is to end ALL contact with between your husband and the other-woman (OW). Your husband has taken some first steps but it is much more complicated as you have already discovered. The word “addiction” has been used to describe the strong attraction that your husband has for the OW. Your husband has developed feelings of love for the OW and those feelings are not so easily dismissed. It took eight years to develop these feelings and they cannot be turned off like a faucet. To break this “love” this “addiction” your husband must be fully separated from the OW and within a few months his strong attraction will fade and he will see things from a different perspective. You can feel free to do WHATEVER necessary to insure that “no-contact” (NC) is maintained. This could mean conspiring with the OW’s husband to place pressure on her to maintain NC if necessary. It is time for the “full court press”, anything and everything goes to achieve NC. So there can be no mistake, NC means just that, no f’ing contact, no emails, phone calls, letters, drive bys, no NOTHING! As others have suggested it is a “forever” thing, but for now let’s get your husband past the first week and then the first month. That should be your focus.

Your husband is doing some major soul searching but he is confused by the relationship that he forged with the OW. Nevertheless, he knows that his marriage to you and the kids are primary yet he is torn and unable to make concrete decisions. Your discovery of the affair has put many things at risk, things he is not prepared to give up, both good and bad. You may be wondering why he has such feelings and how they developed. Perhaps you wonder what “love” is and if you and your husband can have “love”?

Many here will tell you that “love” is a verb, an action. It is not a thing. They are completely 100 percent CORRECT. Love is merely the act of behaving in a loving fashion. The continued practice of extending loving gestures towards others results in those glorious feeling called “love”. With back and forth exchanges those feelings build and build until two people fall “in-love”. Yet, there is one small, tiny prerequisite, the loving gestures must be “accepted” by the receiving party or NO love can develop. It is because of this fact that marriages can be “affair-proofed”. Had your husband or the OW been aware of this fact they likely would have never been able to develop any ongoing relationship other then one as family friends. Remember, people that behave in love, ARE in love. You will need this information down the road after your husband is ready to receive your love. At this point you may be hard pressed for him to acknowledge or accept any loving gestures from you. That will slowly change as he maintains NC.

Marriage counseling is the primary tool to accomplishing your objective, restoration of the marriage. Your marriage counselor will be the one who will explain the importance of “no contact” to your husband. This third party intervention will be much more effective at reaching your husband then you will be. If you desire you can counsel with Steve Harley and you will be sure to get a solid plan that is targeted towards saving and improving your marriage. It will be via telephone but even so, the logic and truthfulness of his counsel is very effective. Wherever you go just make sure that your MC is “all-about” saving the marriage.

Before I go I want to reassure you that a loving, exciting and rewarding relationship with your husband is available and the best part is that he will benefit as much as you. He needs to get through this tough time so that he can see the things that matter most.

I wish you well,

Mr. G

moveforward

Thank you for your kind words. I have a little girl that is about to be 15 months in a week. She is beautiful and full of life. She loves people and she has never met a stranger. She is on the go from the time she wakes up until she goes to bed. She is a definite angel baby. I had a hard time connecting with her in the beginning, because of the post partum but I love her with all my heart. She makes me laugh everyday.

My son is nine weeks old. He is a very cuddly baby. He loves to sleep right next to me. I have connected with him from the time he came out. He is very sweet. He is a big boy he is only 2 months old and he already weighs almost 15 pounds. His sister loves him and she tries to help out as much as she can.

I have forgotten a lot of the things that I use to like to do. I have been pregnant and taking care of babies for two years and completely neglected myself. I use to love to go to movies, exercise, go for walks, go out to eat, scrapbook, photography, go sightseeing, anything outdoors. I just haven't had much chance lately. Some days I don't even get out of my pjs, and if I do whatever I am wearing is usually covered in spit up or baby food. It is very hard being a stay at home mom especially when you don't have support anymore. I am currently trying to find some babysitters in my area and some playgroups. My daughter misses being around other kids. I use to keep the OW children at least twice a week, and my daughter loved it when they came over. Thanks for listening.

You need to start taking care of YOU!!!! There are two little ones depending on you. All of this is very stressful and hard to get through. What helped me most was promising myself that I was going to take good care of myself.

SNR- one of the places I met other moms in the same spot as me was through the hospital where I delivered. They have a "new mom's" group. Given that you already have a two year old, you could even help your own sense of esteem by helping some of the "first timers" understand about this new baby thing. For sure, if that's what you've been doing for two years, rest assured, YOU ARE GOOD AT THAT. It also helps to know this newborn stage doesn't last forever, as you know. If you're like me, it's tough to "pull yourself together" when you've got a new baby and your life has just collapsed. Do it one step at a time. Find friends through the hospital, through your pediatrician (post a note on their board, if they have one), through a local church group (many have parenting groups). Focus on you and the babies--go to the parks. We have a local movie theatre that shows movies at 10am for moms, and the kids are all welcome. They keep the lights half-on, so it's not too dark, and the moms come with the kids, and nurse and let the little ones run around. See if you have one of those in your area. Take joy in the fact that you will always have these beautiful children, even if everything else looks gloomy. Essentially, just one day at a time!

Hey, thanks for telling us more about you.

Ok, I may want to always make a craft because I am person of action- or maybe today I am a person of action because I am so tired of sitting around. I tend to be a tad bossy, too. So, here we go <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Number 1: Call your OB/Gyn. You had post partum with the first one and boy what a stress you have on you now. Talk to him about alternatives for some help with the stress.

Number 2: Get outta those jammies! You have a little time before your man comes home from work. Grab a shower, spruce you up and put on some makeup. Honey, you'll feel like a new woman. If you have to put the baby in a baby seat in the bathroom and the toddler in the floor with some toys, thats ok- just take a shower and dress head toe.

Number 3: Do a 15 minute tidy of the house. I know how cluttered it gets with little ones. You'll feel better if the house looks better.

Number 4: Meet some more moms- make some new friends. Ok, you live in the coolest place to do stuff. Austin rocks! I love it there- well aside from the traffic. Did you know that most of the libraries there have storytime? That will be an awesome place for you to meet other moms. There is so much to do in Austin. When my son was small we used to go there every summer. We couldn't really afford to do a lot, so we did tons of free stuff. Back then we didn't have the internet, but I Searched in the paper. The museums do some free stuff or stuff that is minimally priced. Our relatives who live there don't take advantage of those things, but there are some great things to do for kids.

What about church? Is there a mom's group at your church? I know most of my friends from church or my kids' schools. Did you go to the same church as the OW? If so, you guys should probably start looking for a new church.

Number 5: Do something for you.
Now, that you have 2 great subjects, it seems like a good time to get into some phtography. Do you shoot digital or film? There are some sites where you can do digital scrapbooking- that is a good thing because there is no mess for little ones to get in. If you shoot film, just ask for them to make you a cd when you get your film processed.

Can you join a gym? Most have childcare. You'll feel so much better if you are exercising. You'll look better and that will make you feel even better. If not, put the little ones in the stroller and walk the neighborhood or go walk in the mall. I did the mall when my kids were little. We'd go before the mall opened. My kids would wave at all the old folks we passed by. They loved it and so did the old folks.

You're kids need a healthy mom- you deserve a healthy you. Make yourself a priority.

My thing my kids were older and so busy I was not taking time for me. I feel so much better since I am healthier and paying some attention to me.

I think you can make it. Hang in there- do some things for you.

How was your day?

Yesterday was pretty long. I finally was able to cook dinner and clean up the house a bit. My H even said he appreciated dinner and he noticed that I vaccumed. Today we have a counseling session. This has been one of the longest weeks of my life, and the most I can say is I atleast get up every morning and I put one foot in front of the other. And my kids are keeping me going.

Thanks for all the support

((( snr )))

I like scrapbooking too !! Do you know that Sat is National Scrapbook Day !! Maybe you could go to a crop somewhere, Recollections is a real nice store. QVC is having Creating Keepsakes on all day on Sat. Check it out.

Do you have a table where you can lay out some pages and work on them when you get a chance ? Take a ton of pics of those precious babies.

You are doing great hon.

Sending my very best , carnation