My wife hasn't come home since March 30. I have seen her twice at her job, but that didn't go very well. She claims she doesn't like the way i treat her. i believe she is having a PA and has been for a few months. This is not her first. Something that she is using to justify her desertion is a picture she found of me with a cooworker from 3 years ago. Our company had a group gathering in another state. I met this cooworker there and we took a picture together. Nothing else happened. Prior to finding the picture, W started hanging out at clubs with her single friends. She started not coming home a few times attributing it to being drunk and staying over a friends house. Well on one occassion when she didn't come home, i drove by where i knew the friend lived. Her car was not there. She had a dr appt the next morning and I met her in the parking lot and asked her where she slept last night. She didnt answer me. A few hours later she called me from work to say she stayed at the friends house i went by. so i asked her where did she park. she came up with some lame answer (lie). Since that time she has not come home for 3 days and then this last time since the 30 of March.
I dont have any frieds that i want to get involved with this. the only way i can confirm she is having an affair and probably living with another man is to follow her from work. The thing that hurts the most is the way she has made no contact with me at all. Oh yeah we have two kids at home, one who just had a bday 4-10. she dropped off her present while she was at school so she didnt even see her.
i want to save my marriage. but i cant implement a plan until i know the facts of her A. as far as i know she only has a small group of friends that would allow her to stay for an extended period. i have been to their houses at all hours of the night. she is not with them. i am going to rent a car this week and try to follow her from work.

Hello,

I am sorry what is happening to you. It seems pretty obvious she is in another affair. She has abandoned you and your children. I think it is absolutely essential you contact an attorney to understand your options. You need to be tested for STD's as well. All of the evidence seems pretty obvious and she has done it previously. How sad that she would even abandon her children. See an attorney.

how long have you been married?

Did you have proof of the other PA?

Did the two of you get counseling after the 1st one?

Do you have acceess to her cell phone bills?

Do you still have joint acounts? Have you protected your finances from her?

Do you have any ideas who the OM is?

Why did you keep a 3 year old photo of you and someone else if there was not sentiments involved? If you were 1st a WS, you will still get support here.

Would it be possible to hire a PI to invstigate for you?

me: 51
she: 45
family consists of hers, mine and ours
HD:28, MS:28, MD:24, HD:21, OD:14, OD:13
met:1989, married:1992
previous dday: 1997, sharpening pencils at work
proof of other A: phone tap
photo was on a cd taken during the whole event and really was meaningless.
no counseling
we no longer have cell phones, when we did no suspicious activity that i could find this time
absolutely no idea who OM is
seems to be a lot more careful about leaving traces about activities this time around, has a bad memory so used to write things down, doesnt use email or IM, doesnt use house phone
she has alot of freedom to use phones at work as she is the only one there most of the day.
PI is not affordable. i am ashamed for the few i have friends to know my wife is having an affair. her friends are covering for her. when she said she was at this friends house i went to and knew she wasnt there her friend said she was. the friend was at work (they work at the same place) i know, i checked.

BNM,

Why shame? Why your shame? What belief that you have in you telling you that you are responsible for her choices?

PI not affordable...neither is divorce.

Did you tell your wife you know she's having another affair? Did you ask her why she makes this choice?

I was a serial cheater...you may not want to answer my questions. They are important. You both have been through marriages, relationships and maybe this time is when you can be loved and supported through it, to get to the important whys so that your marriage can someday thrive.

Were either of you the reason your first marriages ended?

LA

I know I am not responsible for her choices. I havent confronted her about the affair because i know she will deny it. all i have is circumstantial evidence, pretty strong but still not proof. I need to know where she is sleeping then i will know she is not just "needing some time away." As a serial cheater, how did your BS feel about what you were doing? Were you both WSs? at the same time? we were both separated for a long time before we met. my x was in fla, i was in ca. her x was on one end of ca she was on the other.

If you know you aren't responsible for her choices, then tell me, please, why the shame in exposing? Did you ask for help when your first marriage ended? Go to counseling? Do you feel shame in having few friends?

You were both separated but still married to other people when you met?

You don't have to confront her on her affair...you only inform her that you know she is cheating again and enforce your boundaries. Until you have proof to yourself...and you might have enough to satisfy you, then Plan A well and good...really look at your patterns, choices and how you live your life.

Choosing a plan to follow eases a lot of pain inside you--because part of being betrayed by another is half allowing yourself to be betrayed. We have an inner belief that brings to mind a scolding...like fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. The belief that we can make our marriage safe, full-proof isn't a valid adult belief.

What we learn from the first A is crucial to where you are now. She says she isn't coming home because of how you treat her...she doesn't like her life this past year...has been making choices much differently than before?

I don't see communication skills present...were they before? Did you get MC from the first go round in 1997?

My H felt abandoned, last place and stepped on by my choice to cheat. You can read my story on 2BNormal's thread...and I forgot the name of it right now...not knowing your ENs, I think. When I told my H I couldn't understand why he was throwing me away and to find someone else...he did. This wasn't the cure for my serial cheating...just came to understand fully the way I chose my life was mine. Before, it was all his choices...not to talk or to disparage when he did (he MADE me have A's)...I didn't live myself, only through him. Yucky way to live.

There is a lot behind each spouse's choice to cheat...beliefs, perspectives, history (from childhood), and mostly, this recipe: Entitlement fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

If you will choose Plan A, inject respect, create your code to live by, do not become trapped within your own entitlement and wipe out resentment you created in yourself and commit to make no new resentments...you can have an amazing life...we are proof. Long process of two individuals recovering themselves...and staying together while we do it. Takes a lifetime, I think.

LA

finally recovered from computer crash...
there was no counseling following previous A. we have always had communication problems. how do you save a marriage without any contact from the WW? i dont even know who the OP is. following her from work has not been successful since i dont know her schedule. it is also a little more difficult because i just started working again after being unemployed for 14 months. as you can see by the time of this post i cant sleep, havent been eating, etc. i dont know what to tell the kids. i think she left this time to make it harder for me to find out the truth about who she is seeing. i dont think she is coming back. she has obviously found someone who she believes will give her what i didnt. what hurts the most is how easy it is for her to act like i dont exist. i cant afford a PI. i want to know where she is sleeping/living and if it is with the OP but dont know how to go about it.

Please see an attorney at once. Your wife has abandoned you and your children. She is responsible to pay for some of the upkeep. You can garnish her wages. She just cannot blow off her children and you this way.