I'm pretty sure that I know the answer, but wanted to get others opinion.
If, over 2 yrs from D-Day, my wife still wont...
1. NC letter
2. Still blames me
3. Still tells lies ( about other things )
4. Still refuses to be transparrent
5. Will not discuss any recovery plan
6. Refuses to do counciling

In your opinion, what options are left for me?


Thank you for any input.

Bill

Chances are better than even that the A is still on. I would say the first thing would to be very nice to her while you snoop, snoop, snoop, and find out the truth as to what is or is not going on.

Future moves would depend on what you found out.

Neak, thank you for your reply. It is an honor to have a famous writer reply to me!

I believe that its over, for now. Actually, he is now chasing after the lady that cuts my hair! However, I believe that at some point it will happen again, as this has been going on 4-ever. He was her first love, and I know that I will not ever go thru this again. I'm deciding by tomorrow wether or not to file for D, and this is my plea for one last look thru others "experienced" eyes.

Once again,thank you for posting to me. You are truely a lady of grace in my book, and AJ is so lucky to have you.

God Bless,
Bill

IMHO, if you are done with plan A, then time to plan B. U sound exhausted. R U?

L.

Yes Ma'am,
Physically,mentally and spiritually. I have nothing left.

ML, that was very sweet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I guess I'm not quite a newbie anymore, but a long ways from a vet, too. Still, after almost a year of watching the script play out again and again, I am a big believer in Plan B.

This is just my opinion, but at least consider Plan B rather than jumping straight to Plan D. Time is on your side. A's do not last forever, and neither do their deceptive feelings. Plan B is at least an option for you, that will stop the continuing heartbreak, and yet leave the door to your marriage open a little while longer.

Just think about it, & if you decide to go for it, you will get awesome help. If not, you will still get the support you need.

For your own sake, your life cannot continue on like it has been, but you also can take all the time you need to decide. If you do Plan B, there is not a big hurry to D, because you know you can do that at any point you get tired of waiting.

I would really like to see your W have the chance to miss you and the special bond the two of you have.

All the best, whatever you decide.

It sounds to me like she is either still in the affair, is chasing him or has hopes for a resumption. She is not committed to your marriage, but is a FREELOADER. She is only there to receive some free benefits but is not interested in doing anything to maintain or protect the marriage. And this will probably never change until you make some kind of change yourself, such as seperation.

U have more left than any WS does. U have more friends and support than any WS does. U have more love your way than any WS does.....shall I go on?

So where is that love, support and friendship? I will let you figure out where they are.....open your eyes and keep posting here.

I have to go out to a meeting this afternoon. Then have a family conference call tonight (long distance kind). I will check back later. ok?

Others will post, so keep posting. We'll help you get a plan. Think about calling Jennifer or Steve from MB.

U got lots of help. At the very least....u got us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Hey Everybody, Thank you for you time and replies,

My main concern is that this will never end. this has been a problem since our very first date. She was trying to be w/him that night, but a mutual friend convinced her to spend some time w/me.

Fast Forward 3 yrs. We are married, expecting our first child. We are talking about the coming baby, very happy, and she really got into it...then my world changed 4-ever. She pretended to be holding a baby, sat down, and said " Oh Bill, just think, a little Tommy" (his name)

Came home from work oneday, the phone rang, she and I picked it up at the same time. He said,"Can you Talk?". I went ballistic. A few months later, I come in from working out of town and my dd met me at the door "daddy, I spent the night at the babysitters" Long story short, we almost D that time.

Anyway, Lots more to the recent saga, but my 14 y/o son and I just finished a game of basketball, and I'm tired! OK, I'm old!

Thats what I mean though, I cant do this anymore. I want a real life, a real marriage.

And thanks again for everyones input. Honestly, I havent even considered plan B. Plan A wore me out.

Bill

MPL, are you saying your wife has had multiple adulteries since before you were married, or is it one long-term adultery you've never addressed and resolved? It makes a difference.

hey longhorn,

same guy,different occasions.

In Plan B you build your strength back up. If nothing else it would give you a chance to regroup and clear your head a bit, and decide what you really want, without just reacting to what your wife is doing.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's time, past time, for Plan B then. Read up on it, protect yourself financially and legally, and implement it. Frankly, what have you got to lose?

dear wife

I am no longer interested in being yoked to someone who...

1. continues to invite a direct enemy in to my life and the welfare of children

2. can not take responsibility for their own actions

3. refuses to be open

4. refuses help

5. and most importantly lives dishonestly...

these are choices day after day
minute after minute
second after second

none of these do I wish for you
none of these do I believe make you happy

I for one believe enough to choose differently

ARK

Here are your options..

1) continue on as is HAPPILY.. (I don't think this is the best option)...

2)go to plan B.....(????)

3) Suddenly change your entire demeanor.. Stop asking for her to be honest.. ask her no quetions of what is going on in her mind.... start to focus on other interests and start spending more time with those interests.... do not act angry or sad... just let her see that you are in your own little world...Suddenly she sees that you don't seem to care that she isn't honest or doesn't communicate, OR WHATEVER... You just release all pressure to do anything for you or for your marriage. Just let her be anything she wants to be. If she wants to be angry, fine.. let her be angry. If she wants to not communicate, fine.. let her not communcate. Let her be whatever she wants to be..

THEN.. at the appropriate time when she asks you what is up with you....

Tell her this...

"WS, I have been doing some thinking about things and I have decided that (saying I HAVE DECIDED is a strong message, and women love strength in men) I have decided that you are right and that things are not working for us this way. I have realized that I don't want to live like this anymore and realized that I think it would be best if we separated at this time. I now realize that I have been trying to force you into being someone you aren't and to do things that are not in your heart and have come to the conclusion that isn't fair for EITHER ONE OF US. I don't blame you and do realize that I helped to cause us being where we are at and I have tried to do everything I can to make this work, but it is obvious it isn't working this way.
I think that it would be best if by the end of the month (or reasonable time frame) that you find another place to stay because I NEED some time apart."

Sound convincing, sound strong (there is that strong word again) and be matter of fact and speak from the the viewpoint of what YOU have decided. Be decisive... Do not get into an argument, do not sound mad or angry. Let her FEEL you are "letting her go" and you are RELEASING ALL PRESSURE.
ALL PRESSURE MUST GO..

Then.. LET HER GO and take some time for yourself. Give her the whole universe for her space. In the meantime keep cultivating your new interests, new friends, hobbies and such. Let her see a man who seems to have a skip in his step, and a smile on his face and who seems to be HAPPIER without her. Let her wonder what is up IN YOUR MIND..

Leave her to her thoughts. If she chooses to go back to the other man, then so be it. Let her see that you are a big boy and YOU WILL make it with or without her, and as a matter of fact, could be doing BETTER without her..

That is what I think is your best option is to wake her up and to wake you up to why you can't force some people to follow a script to love you because it comes across as pressure and force. Love does not work unless it is out of CHOICE. Give her that choice...

Good luck

Wow, did you guys ever give me some things to think about.

Mel, I have concluded that she has been waiting for this man to straighten his life out, then they would finally be together. This last (?) go round he said all the right things...but... in all honesty, he cant compete w/me as a provider, which is her top E.n. You are so right, a Freeloader.

Orchid...you are so right. I have so much love in my life it amazes me. And that has been my strength. I am blessed and highly favored.

ark...thanks for putting what I feel into words. Its so much less confusing to SEE it that way.

keepmovn4wrd...THAT was AWESOME! Thanks.

Longhorn and Neak... My "problem" w/ plan B is that I honestly cant wrap my head around the concept of going dark,with the intent of coming back into the light again. Can you understand what I'm trying to say? I mean, after 25 yrs, shouldnt this have been resolved by now? I ended up losing everything i've worked 25 yrs. for to stay married to her, and yet, its still my fault?

I didnt get it then, I really dont get it now. I guess I'm pathetic,huh?

And why, (just curious) does my stomach hurt EVERY day when i'm almost home? Thats wierd.

I really hope that i'm not aggrevating anyone too much, I think sometimes that I think to much! Thank you again for all of your time and your input.

Bill