Of course he doesn't. He is not expected to right now. Someone just "ending" an affair will not have feelings for his spouse. They won't come back until he withdraws. But if you go along with a divorce that is based on his TEMPORARY FEELINGS, you will never find out because you will be DIVORCED.

His feelings are TEMPORARY, divorce is PERMANENT. [and xpensive!]

So how do I drag things out when we don't have the $$ to do so? We'd be filing for a No Fault anyway, so it would be a separation - divorce would be final after the separation period. Isn't there enough time during that period for him to go thru withdrawal? As I said, I will continue Plan A for the time being.

I know it's over with MOW. He doesn't want to be with her. He admits that it was all wrong. That he was just rebelling. That it was a wrong choice on his part. He said he is very happy with his decision to end it with her. He has realized that she is not his future and he doesn't want it. Trust me, I know it is over. It is not about the affair anymore although I do agree that I guess he is going thru withdrawal - but how can he even be going thru withdrawal when he knows she is not who he wants? Wouldn't that void the withdrawal period?

It doesn't cost money to DO NOTHING. DO NOTHING. It is FREE.

Your H will tell you what he needs to tell you in order to make this split easier. If he was still seeing or planning on seeing the OW, he would not tell you. If he were still pining for her, he is not going to tell you. He is acting JUST LIKE a WS who is still in an affair.

You should place no value on anything a fogged out WS tells you.

Have you personally spoken to the OW's H? YOU CANNOT GO BY WHAT YOUR WH TELLS YOU.

Melody,
I know it is over with her. He wants nothing to do with her anymore. He swears on our children's lives. Here is what I am thinking is going on...over the last 7 days of NC or maybe even before that, I am wondering if he found himself attracted to someone else, so that is why he ended it with her and figures, well, if I am attracted to someone else now then I can't keep doing this to my BW (me) - so he figures that the only way out of this is to D - so he doesn't continue hurting me. I could be totally off-base but that is what is going on in my mind. I also discovered yesterday that he is seriously looking into getting a V. Which plays with my mind for a number of reasons. The main one being, I guess he wants to get one so he can just do whatever he wants and not have to worry about it. This is all so out of character from the man I used to know and love.

I know this is all about HIM, not me. But it is so hard not to feel like it is about me - after all, I am the one he fell out of love with, I am the one he doesn't want to be with anymore, I am the one that (as he puts it) ripped his heart out by what he considers to be my selfish behavior over the years, by not listening to him, by not taking his feelings into consideration - when he is the one that put his heart and soul into our marriage - so how is this NOT about me???

I haven't signed anything and we haven't discussed anything further regarding a settlement. We left it at, he was going to put everything down on paper and we could go over it & then i guess he will schedule mediation. It hasn't been discussed though since Monday. As far as his behavior, he has become distant again, not calling me to talk or anything, not text messaging. He is coming here tomorrow afternoon to watch the kids & stay overnight so I can go out overnight for a friends birthday. I will be staying in the city for the night and coming back Saturday morning. I actually hate that he is staying here tomorrow, I just don't even want him doing me any favors at this point but it was already agreed upon.

I honestly don't know what else to do but just try and move on with my life and if he comes around, then we'll see.

Be sure and let him know you are not interested and won't be participating in this. Otherwise, he will spin his wheels for a lot of nothing. Just tell him now you aren't going to participate in a divorce.

And he maybe onto another OW, but I am not getting WHY you think he is done with the last OW. Why do you believe this? Because a liar, who doesn't want you to know the truth, has told you? REALLY?

How do you know it is true? Have you spoken to the OWH? Does he believe it is over?

Melody,
If I say that I won't sign anything and don't want the divorce, doesn't that just appear to him as being needy and desperate? As if I am being naive and just not letting him have what he thinks he wants? To me, it appears that I am just clinging to him - with hope that things will change. The last thing I want is to appear clingy or needy or desperate. He was very adamant about the fact that he says yes, he doesn't know WHAT he wants - but that he DOES know what he DOESN'T want - us!

I believe him when he says he is done with the MOW because to be honest with you, he has been very honest all along about almost everything. He admitted the EA right from the beginning and then he was the one who exposed it being a PA because he could not live with the lies anymore. I truly do not think this is about "her" - I think he firmly believes this is what he wants.

Thankful, I can see that our posts to you are not helpful, are they? You have a certain perspective and you are sticking with it no matter what. I wish you the best.

It is likely he has another OW and doesn't want to look so rotten in your eyes...or any number of other reasons.

It is just that we have heard similar things from so many others and it seems unlikely that another woman...either the old one or a new one are involved.

Many WS's don't want to have you think that the marriage is over because of an OP but because you just can't fix your own marital problems. It is conceivable that he could be lying to you now even though he seemed to be honest at other times.

You need to change your attitude it you are coming off desparate or needy. Not signing the DV papers doesn't make you weak or needy. You are fighting to save your marriage. You need to adopt a mantra that reflects that. You should be calm, steady, centered...speak in a calm voice. You have kids; you are trying to keep their family intact.

I don't know his age, but he just may be in a MLC. On the other side of this he could have all kinds of regrets for what he's been doing. Someday he may appreciate the steadfast attitude with which you tried to preserve your family. Be the lighthouse for him.

Listen to the others. They have given you excellent advice.
You don't need to give up on your marriage. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can about this stuff. Your husband can fall in love with you again. Pray...and believe.

Ok Melody and everyone else - so have at me...

I just found out for sure that there is a new OW now. He told me so tonight.

What do I do????? I don't want a man like this. What the he!! is going on??

I am SO SO lost!

You think contact just ended with the 1st one and now there is another one? Are you sure it is not just continued contact with the intial one?

I'm sorry for your pain. Mel is out of town. I'm sure someone else will come along to help you.

See if you can change the title of your thread- that way folks will see it is new info.

POSITIVE that it's not continued contact with the other one. He admitted that he is talking to someone new!!!!!!!! You know why he admitted it, because he doesn't give a rats a$$ about me - he WANTS to hurt me - he does not care what I think about him. I just knew that there was a new one, I am so darn intuitive because of how he changed his tune within a weeks time. He is disgusting, disgraceful and I just cannot believe what this man is doing. I really am starting to think that he is subconciously trying to kill me. He is blaming me again for everything. Blaming me for the person he has become. I am so sick

How do I deal with a person like this???

{{Thankful}} Ok, calm down. Any way for you to know who this new OW is? Can you do some sleuthing? Does he have a cell phone, email anything you can get online records of?

This is not the time to give up. You need to get a hold of yourself. You really need to calm yourself. When you talk to him, try not to be weapy, pleading, or angry. You need to get centered and be the sane one. Speak to him in a calm, even voice. You need to be willing to hang in there and fight for your marriage.

Reread SAA, and maybe get James Dobson's 'Love Must be Tough'. You may want to read 'Fall in Love, Stay in Love.' You need to believe that he can fall in love with you again.

Between 10 and 1 CST M-F,click at the top right of the page and listent to Dr. Willard Harley and his wife, Joyce's radio program. You can email Joyce with question(s) this weekend and then call on Monday. They were talking about this stuff on their program today. If you can afford phone counseling with SH or JHC that would be great.

We don't seem to be getting through to you. You have to stop being so hopeless and get a hold of yourself. Your H is not unique. Nor are his A's. This is nothing new around here. HE CAN FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH YOU. He doesn't believe that now. It would be great is he would agree to do one counseling session with Steve Harley. His kids deserve at least that effort. Isn't it Dr. Phil always tells people they have to earn their way out of they need to earn their divorce, if that is what he wants?

Most A's run their courses in 2 yrs. You should try your best to hold out at least that long.

Look at your part in the state of your marriage pre-A's. Use this time to work on yourself. Let him know that you will do every thing possible to be the best wife. If all your efforts do not save your marriage, know that you can survive and thrive just the same. You need to believe that you will be okay either way. As you work on yourself, everything you do will only work to make you a better person and potential partner in any relationship you have in the future....whether it is with or without your H.

I am VERY calm with him and I did not cry or get angry with him - if I seem upset, I was just venting everything on here.

I found this out about this new person after he got to the house tonight - he was coming to stay over and take care of the kids so I could go out.

This is how the conversation went before I was about to leave - I said to him "how are you ever going to know if you can get your feelings back for me if you stopped contact with MOW and are now involved with a NEW person?" He said "being involved with someone else has nothing to do with it" - I said "what are you doing???" and he said "divorcing my wife & trying to find happiness" and I said "I'm not trying to tell you what to do, and I know you are going to do what you want b/c that is how it has been lately, but don't you think you should at least spend some time alone to figure things out?" He had no reply. So I went to leave and got a few miles down the road, turned around and came home (in this state of mind, I wasn't going to enjoy myself and I sure as heck didn't want him here watching the kids so I could go out) It would have been a different story if we were trying to reconcile, but not with all this crap going on - so I came back in the house and he said "what are you doing?" I said "I'm not going out, I don't want you doing me any favors - this isn't reality - if we're divorced, you are NOT going to be coming to my place and staying over to watch our kids" He couldn't believe that I wasn't going out. I said to him "why don't you go take them out to dinner then" and he said "no, I'll just leave" so DS says "why are you leaving daddy?" and my H says "Because mommy doesn't want me here!" I said to him "You can't do that!!! You can't say stuff like that in front of our 4 year old!" I said "just go, go be with your NEW person" - so he calls an hour or so later to say goodnight to DS - and then he asks to talk to me - well...he went OFF on me...and I just sat there, calm as ever, not engaging in his argument - I just kept saying "ok" - in such a calm voice - he says "why are you acting so calm and smug and snotty and ****** - who's coaching you???" I said "no one is coaching me, but myself" So then DS starts screaming in the background - 4 times I said to my H "I have to go" and then he went off again on his tyrant - blaming me for everything, telling me that I am using his kids against him (whatever) yada yada yada and then he said "THANKS!" and hung up on me.

You've been here long enough to know this is all typical WS behavior. Keep trying your best not to engage in his arguments or react to his angry outbursts. It is very typical for a WS to blame the BS for everything and take no responsibility themselves.

Have you taken the EN's questionnaire for yourself and as if your H would answer?

My FWH had a few A's in our marriage. One lasted on and off for 4 yrs. That OW got a DV. We had separated two different times for 4 months each. The last separation he moved in with the OW and her 3 kids. It lasted a month or two before the A ended.

He had another A with another OW 4 yrs after that for 8 months. I found this forum and started plan A before I had proof of the A. At first I thought it was the last OW...but it was a new one.

I consider us fully recovered at this point. He has a hard time believing that he said the things he said and felt some of the ways his felt during his A's.

Ugh, he called me again around 10:30 pm (I dreaded answering the phone, but did anyway b/c he would have kept calling until I answered) to ask me about a confrontation that he just had at a local restaurant/bar by an old friend of mine. She evidently told him some lies about why she and I were not friends anymore - she told him that she thought he was jealous of me when we first were dating - that they didn't like him because he got mad whenever I talked to other guys. Whatever. It is so insignificant and she is such a liar. So he sits there on the phone in silence and says "I hope you know that I don't hate you" (same stuff he keeps saying to me) and I said "I am not sure what I believe anymore" and he says "waht is that supposed to mean?" and I said "just what I said" and then he says (for the eight thousandth time) "I don't think you realize how much all of this has hurt me" and I really didn't say anything b/c it's just the same old stuff. I said "it just bothers me that you are not doing what you need to do, to get a clear head - getting involved with someone else is not going to get you a clear head" and he said "I'm not INVOLVED with someone else, we are just talking" I said "ok, whatever" And so I said to him "you can say whatever you want, you can say/think that I am using the kids against you, etc...but the fact of the matter is, the only thing, the ONLY thing I am guilty of at this point, is trying to keep my family together" and he didn't say anything - so he just sat there, again in silence and I said "I'm really tired, I am going to go" and then he said something else and I just said "I'm going to go, I am just really tired" and he said "good night, get a good nights sleep" and I said "you too, bye"

*BUMP* for Melody - The last few posts on here show the update...go ahead...have at me...please.

Thankful, to be quite honest with you, I really don't know if I can help at all. I don't see this as hopeful because you won't let us help you.

Thanks anyway.