Still needing help.
My husband and I are in counseling not long 6 sessions or so but, we are not sure where were going with it.
Counselor tried something new that made us really listen to each other by repeating the words back to each other and having the spouse validate those words as right or wrong.

Here's the problem, we both have walls up so as not to get hurt again. I keep trying to pull my down and let him back in touching more, affectionate, talk and listen to him more than ever but, I am not feeling as though he is doing the same thing.

When I bring this up to him, he gets mad and says once again, its always me... here we go again! He gave me a nice Easter card and gift and I did the same for him. He thanked me but I had to ask him if the card was really his true feelings. He said, I wouldn't have given it to you if it wasn't, end of conversation. I just don't feel it.

We went to a friends party 40th sat and this guy who who is like a little brother to my husband kissed me and asked, could I be his present. This guy is genuinely a nice guy no, NONE attraction in any way and my husband knows the he is definately not my type but, seemed to get jeoulous.

After the party I asked my husband if we could go next door and dance a bit. I was hoping to get close to him and slow dance. He responded with no way someone will make a pass at ONE OF US and the other will cause a fight! Where did that come from?

Then I said, ok lets go home and cuddle and he responded, why do you need to drink to get lovey with me ( I only had a glass and a half of watered down wine). Well, that ended that... my response well, I have a drink or two to deaden the pain of your rejection which is constant so it doesn't hurt as much when you show no affection. To that he said, he doesn't have romantic feelings very often anymore, they just don't come up. Well I saw signs that disagree with that several times this weekend who is he kidding.

Now, here's my questions to you,
My husband keeps saying he can't get passed his feelings of rejection or my past treatment of him which consists mainly of second guessing him but he wants to continue counseling. How is counseling going to help this if he won't drop his walls?
Any thoughts on what I can do to bring this out?

A thought...He is the one that wrote an elicit email to another woman that I happened to find I didn't have the affair could this guilt because he did that or is he possibility still having an affair which is conteracting our counseling?

my husband says, he can't imagine not seeing the kids everyday as we are considering separating when asked he says, that's not the only reason he hasn't left he wants me back which is why he continues counseling. How do I keep my walls from coming back up when his actions don't match his words how can I bring this issue up without making him feel I am blaming him?

My husband was always my closest confident,friend and lover I miss what we had terribly but, on the other hand I am tired. I don't know this person any longer, we have a hard time talking without the counselor unless its small talk. How long is enough time to give a person before you feel or see a change in the relationship especially where children are involved?

Should I ask him how or if he see' a change in me? Then hope he asked the same?

This man is angry, snappy, can't sleep, drinks when he never had more than a beer or two a week and if that wasn't enough because of all this he can barely get out of bed to enjoy the weekends.
I'm tired, miss being held by a caring spouse and the everyday life of being in a loving family relationship I took vows and firmly believed I would keep them till death do us part and still do but those vows were made to a whole different person.

After seeing the counselor this week we will probably separate because that is what he keeps saying might help him get his love back. On the other hand Iam afraid my walls will really go up and I won't be able to let him back in.
Can anyone offer advice on this issue?


Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

(((Not Smiling)))

I hope that you counselor has told y’all that each of you can only change and work on yourself. You can’t change your husband and he can’t change you. With that in mind, I’m going to address you part of the weekend or whenever this transpired, nothing I say is an attack, rather an attempt to add perspective to the situation.

“””My husband and I are in counseling not long 6 sessions or so but, we are not sure where were going with it.”””

Are you guys going weekly? 6 sessions is truly a drop in the bucket. I hope you both renew you attitudes and continue on until you see some progression, no matter how small.

“””Here's the problem, we both have walls up so as not to get hurt again. I keep trying to pull my down and let him back in touching more, affectionate, talk and listen to him more than ever but, I am not feeling as though he is doing the same thing.

When I bring this up to him, he gets mad and says once again, its always me... here we go again!”””

This is exactly what I alluded to in the beginning of my post. Why on earth would you tell him all the things you are doing and then tell him he ain’t doing any work? Can you see how he could view this as an attack on him? Not to mention, you can only work on you, now if you’ve got everything down perfect that’s one thing, but most of us are a work in progress, work on you and let him work on him. Heck, maybe he is trying and because you attacked him, he’s going to sink further into withdrawal. We all work at our own pace. He’s in counseling. That is a step and shows willingness. Allow that time to work and don’t expect changes at your pace. As a matter of fact, don’t expect anything from him. Expect to change yourself. Then as he changes, notice the changes no matter how small.

“””He gave me a nice Easter card and gift and I did the same for him. He thanked me but I had to ask him if the card was really his true feelings. He said, I wouldn't have given it to you if it wasn't, end of conversation. I just don't feel it.”””

OUCH!!!!! That’s a big time withdrawal. You have to eliminate all love busters and that surely can be considered as a DJ and big time love buster. He took the time to buy you a gift, pick out a card, and write something in the card. Why do you question that?

”””We went to a friends party 40th sat and this guy who who is like a little brother to my husband kissed me and asked, could I be his present.”””

That was totally inappropriate for any man to say that to a married woman.

“””This guy is genuinely a nice guy no, NONE attraction in any way and my husband knows the he is definitely not my type but, seemed to get jealous.”””

I’m going to say your hubby is wise on this one. Ask affair partners how many of them are “their” type, not many. That your hubby showed jealousy is actually a good thing, that indicates emotions towards you and not full withdrawal.

”””Then I said, ok lets go home and cuddle and he responded, why do you need to drink to get lovey with me ( I only had a glass and a half of watered down wine). Well, that ended that... my response well, I have a drink or two to deaden the pain of your rejection which is constant so it doesn't hurt as much when you show no affection.”””

OUCH to both of you on this one, however, since I am talking to you I will address your part. Why didn’t you take this opportunity to work as your counselor had told you? Your response could have been “I hear you saying that you feel I must drink in order to get lovey with you, is that correct?” and then go on with a respectful conversation. But in my opinion, you swooped in fort he kill, what you said cut deep and it shows in his response.

“””To that he said, he doesn't have romantic feelings very often anymore, they just don't come up. Well I saw signs that disagree with that several times this weekend who is he kidding.”””

I bet you did see signs, but right here he is protecting himself and reaching for his defenses from your attack.

”””My husband keeps saying he can't get passed his feelings of rejection or my past treatment of him which consists mainly of second guessing him but he wants to continue counseling. How is counseling going to help this if he won't drop his walls?
Any thoughts on what I can do to bring this out?”””

That is good. He’s shared an honest and open feeling, that he (alone) cannot get past this stuff, however, he wants to, thus he wants to continue in counseling. This is a positive, not a negative. How is counseling going to help, well how is going to hurt? Plus y’all have only been to 6 sessions, that’s hardly enough to even establish trust with the counselor. So what can you do to bring down the walls? Well, since you can only control you, the only things you can do are eliminate love busters, continue to work on “positive” communication skills, and meet needs as he lets you. Can you see that he doesn’t feel safe communicating with you? Which, I have to tell you, I wouldn’t either.

”””A thought...He is the one that wrote an elicit email to another woman that I happened to find I didn't have the affair could this guilt because he did that or is he possibility still having an affair which is counteracting our counseling?”””

Could it be, sure, but after reading this I feel that it is unlikely. I believe it’s more an issue of poor communication and lack of safety.

”””my husband says, he can't imagine not seeing the kids everyday as we are considering separating when asked he says, that's not the only reason he hasn't left he wants me back which is why he continues counseling. How do I keep my walls from coming back up when his actions don't match his words how can I bring this issue up without making him feel I am blaming him?”””

I truly think you need to focus more on your actions for while. Further, why are you talking about separation? In my opinion, that rarely has positive results. Plus, he’s told you point blank he wants you back and wants to be in counseling because he is lost. Do you want to be married to him?

”””How long is enough time to give a person before you feel or see a change in the relationship especially where children are involved?”””

That all depends on the person. A rule of thumb about reviving marriages on the brink of destruction is 18 – 24 months.

”””Should I ask him how or if he see' a change in me? Then hope he asked the same?”””

Yes and no…. Sure you can ask him how you are progressing, but don’t have the expectation that he will ask the same. He’s lost and unsafe, do you really think he wants to know how he is doing right now? Do you think he would invite an attack on him when he is clearly putting forth effort? Watch expectations, they lead to resentments, which lead to loss of love.

”””After seeing the counselor this week we will probably separate because that is what he keeps saying might help him get his love back.”””

I would highly recommend not separating and would highly recommend working hard on yourself. Adding financial strain to the matters can only make them worse, not better.

Thanks Bill for talking straight to me.
My husband is the one who wants to separate before easter, it was after I made a call to our couselor that after the couselors request we wait unless my husband can't stand it anymore.
I am reading the love busters book for the third time and hoping each time to gleen every little bit I can from it.
I will certainly keep reminding myself to work on me not him.


not smiling