Hello, I'm new here and this is my first post.
Has anyone been successful in reconciliation after divorce? I've been divorced 3 years now and painfully realized 1.5 years ago that I had made a mistake. I didn't run back to my H, I wanted to take the time to evaluate why I left, and make sure it was something I was committed to b/c I didn't want to cause my ex anymore pain.
We divorced for no major reason, I was immature and selfish and thought the grass would be greener by myself. After dating a few men and being on my own for a couple of years, I have realized that he was my life, and I screwed it up.
We have stayed in contact through email here and there, but nothing overly personal. Last week I wrote him a letter telling him how sorry I was and that I knew I messed up a great life and asked for him to give me another chance. He has since moved to another state, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to have him back in my life. I haven't heard back from him in almost a week and I'm not sure what the silence means. I'm optimistic that he's thinking things through. Any advice?

Becks,

I can't speak from experience but if your motto is "whatever it takes and for as long as it takes", I'll just bet you could.

Are you willing to adhere to this principle???

I'd recommend posting this on the GQII board here where you'll probably get more responses.

Thanks for the advice. I do have good news to report! We've been talking on the phone and through email the past week or so and things are moving in a positive direction. I'm going into this with complete honesty and I know it will take a lot of work on both our parts for him to regain trust in the relationship. (I didn't cheat or anything, just the whole rejection aspect). Where there's a will, there is a way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Glad to hear things are going well. Good luck! Sounds like your chances are good.

Becks,

Why exactly did you get divorced in the first place? What drove you to do it? Just curious...can you give us more details of the situation? Where you neglected and you thought the grass was greener on the other side?

Yes, it is possible. My parents have been married to each other twice. This second one has lasted 29 years so far.

Be careful as the divorce books say that it's "normal" after a divorce to remember mostly the good and forget he bad. I think it's the brain's way of healing. A book I just read said most divorced couples still would like to see each other, that it's tempting to deal with the lonliness.

There's a good book out there many have read on this site, something like Too good to leave, too bad to stay - outlines what when good and bad in your relationship and helps you evaluate it. I did some speed reading of it the other day, might go buy it so that I have in black and white what went wrong in my marriage.

I'm going though a bad divorce, things went seriously wrong in my marriage. Sometimes I look back at the mistakes I mad. I was immature too, did dumb things, I have to forgive myself for what I did wrong or I wouldn't be able to move on. I tend to relive this marriage all the time, I haven't been able to proceed with my divorce that's on file as I fear looking back like you are thinking I made a mistake.

I've heard of people remarrying, my counsins did it then divorced again for a second time later on. Stats of those separating and getting back together aren't good let alone remarrying but if there's a will there's a way. I'd think it might be best to plan some very casual date nights without getting too deep at first. Just see how that feels for both of you. He doesn't have a girlfriend? And you dont' have a boyfriend? No love triangles here, but I'm sure you know that...

Best wishes.

In response to your questions, I wanted out of divorce for a number of reasons (none of which are earth shattering). I felt bored, one of my best friends was going through a divorce and she pulled me out with her to go out drinking and partying. It was fun to be out sociable and I lost site of what being a wife was.. being home for my husband, not out partying. My husband and I had lost our communication and closeness, he stayed on the computer playing games and I watched tv. I went to bed early, and he stayed up late. It felt as though we were just going through the motions of being together and not really investing in our relationship. I now know that is part of marriage and it takes work. I've been divorced now for 3 years, have dated and done a lot of soul searching. I have never met anyone that compares to him in any way and found myself always thinking about the good times that we did have (which were a lot more than the bad). What's that they say that you dont' know what you have until it's gone? I didn't have anyone around me (friends & family) giving me advice to work through it, stay with it, etc.
he has sinced moved to Wisconsin and I am still in Texas, so the rebuilding and communicating will be done via phone, email, visits, etc, so it will force us to take it slow. He was initially very shocked to hear from me, and admited to me that he thinks about me all the time..so it seems that we are heading in a positive direction, and I am being cautious at the same time.

Becks,

Wow, you sound like my wife that is getting ready to file for divorce from me. We have been married nearly 3 years. Over the past year, I got caught up in my own struggles with social anxiety and also worked very hard on my online business.

Basically, my wife felt alone and "single". I admit, I should have given her more love and attention.

We both admit our faults for this divorce: I took her for granted and wasn't a "husband to her" just a roomate. She admits she should have spoken to me about it much sooner what she wanted instead of letting it get to this point. She admits her communication is very bad.

So basically, she has "checked out" on me and says those feelings aren't there anymore. But yet says she still loves and greatly cares for me.

We've been separated for 2 months now and have kept in contact. Even on good terms, and I have been kind, generous and always understanding. I've tried to pull her back into working out things together before throwing in the towel...but she just won't.

Her lifestyle is like what yours was...hanging with friends and family, drinking a lot and going out, etc. It makes her feel free and happy right now.

It's sad because things could be better between us because where we failed can be fixed...she can learn to communicate better and I can be the husband that I should have been and most of all, WANT to be for her.

There is no doubt that our good far outweighed our bad and I hope that is what she will remember as time goes on. Heck, we never even had a real argument, we always were respectful of each other's feelings, etc.

Sound familiar Becks?

Paul, WOW, sounds eerily similiar.