I'm seeking mental health treatment for the things that this has done to my psyche...(because they stand in the way of me graduating from nursing school...which in turn will benefit HIS big plans...he wants to be a pilot...an architect...and he needs ME to have an income which will support HIS endeavors) blah, blah.

Might I remind everyone that I was in my LAST semester of pre-requesits when HE DECIDED HE NEEDED ANOTHER WOMAN TO MEET HIS ( boo-hoo) EMOTIONAL NEEDS!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAA!

He seems to be unable to MODIFY his behavior in any way. All I've gotten from him through this thing is that HE ISN'T CHEATING ANYMORE!
...BUT MY NEEDS WERE BEING IGNORED AS WELL AS HIS!!

So when should I be able to express MY needs without being accused of being selfish????

(he HASN'T and probably WONT read any of the books OR the posts, so he doesn't understand anything beyond what HE wants...)

((((Monica))))

I'll agree with you that it is tough when it appears we are the ONLY ones working on the R. My DH hurt me the most when we were struggling to reach our goals also. And will join your dh in the "I won't read that" ranks. (And he thinks I'M a knowitall - yeesh! )

How are things going in the POJA dept? Are you finding that he gets his needs met and leaves you w/o? I found that with my dh, I'd always be accomodating, let him get needs met 1st (of course, I'll bet he would disagree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), but then I'd fall off the list of priorities. Once I started getting my needs met first, I was far less resentful of dh. The funny part is, I don't think he cared at all that we changed to have his needs met after mine. Now we both benefit. I waited too many years to figure this out!

POJA?? R U serious? I know all about that policy, but my H doesn't. He thinks this place is a friggin' cult. WHAT...EVER.
I suppose that IS what someone would think...someone who is only interested in what anyone or anything has to offer THEMSELVES. I get called selfish if I even MENTION that I have needs beyond what I'm getting right now.
HE seems to think that as long as his [censored] is in his pants and he goes to a job to punch a time-clock every weekday, he is fulfilling ANY needs ANYone should have of him.
Am I naive in disagreeing with him on this?

wait, don't answer that... I already know. I AM NOT!!

I just wish I could convince myself of this. It would all be so much easier.
DRAAAT this free-will...free-thinking crap. Men like my H think all women should just shut-up and do as they're told.
HIS way and MY way are clashing.
I want to keep my family together, but what can I do? If I go along with him I'll be a damn vegetable, and what kind of mother can I be then? I swear sometimes the only way I can see is OUT. Out of this God-forsaken place that we call LIFE.

OK Monica, hear you loud and strong.

I have been EXACTLY where you are right now, going to school, holding down a job, and taking care of 2 young kids.

At the time my H was not fulfilling my EN's...and wasn't going to for awhile...

I was overwhelmed, overburdened, burned out, overworked, full of guilt (guilt for leaving my kids and the housework when I had other things I was doing). I had about 4 different hats I tried to wear all at the same time and I didn't feel like I was wearing ANY of them the right way, wasn't giving any of them justice.

And where was H in all this? Clueless...thought I was whining or complaining too much. And complained at me because I wasn't doing enough... It was especially tough this time of the year because FINALS were coming up...

So, what worked for me????? How did I get over it????

I didn't try to get over it while I was so overwhelmed...fortunately (???) we dealt with the infidelity during a slower time in our lives.

But what did I do? I didn't try to fix it all myself. I fixed what I could, I looked at myself, honestly, and very humbly, very hurt, very broken, came to my H and asked for help...didn't expect it...asked for it. And tried to change as much about myself as I could.

I also looked at his behavior over time, and if he wasn't doing anything to change things, I made plans to ask him to move out, to separate, to allow him space to make up his mind...live a life alone, or with me, but not alone with me...

It is time to truly talk with your H, honestly, without blame for YOUR life, but ask for help...

First of all, how long ago was his A? He may still be in withdrawal, and not able to meet your needs. You need to find ways yourself to be strong and happy... Keep close to your friends and family.

Secondly, you don't HAVE to call it POJA. My dh glazes over when I mention theories with little "inside" terms (LB, POJA, etc). Simply call it negotiation: everyone does that (to some extent). Nothing cult-ish about that. Example (mind you, I'm still working at learning how to word things appeallingly and w/o LB) : "DH, I feel so tired at the end of the day, too tired to spend time with you for (recreation, SF, convo). If you would (wash dishes, vacuum, give a 10 min back rub) I would have more time & energy to (insert something he wants) together."

If he says NO, it isn't the end of the world. You simply have to revise your proposal to find what would be a worthwhile deal for both of you. It is supposed to be win/win, not "we have to do it my way".

So what "needs" do you want met?

Hehehe, I can't tolerate Dr. Phil (I think he states the obvious), I'm UP TO NO GOOD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, had to giggle, I always get a laugh at your sig line.