First I apologize if this is not the correct place to be posting this. Also sorry for being so long.
I've been reading all the things here and hopefully can apply these to my marriage. I am, however, unable to find any examples that are in common with what I am going through.

My wife told me a few weeks ago that she has been having fantasies and obsessing about a man she met at our son’s day care. She says this has been going on for about two years but that there has been no physical contact and really no major conversation between the two other than that initial meeting. (They both attended a school field trip) I do believe her. She said she could not go on like this and had to tell and then said she felt our marriage was over. I said fine lets get a divorce and she left to stay with friends. We talked a few days later and asked me not to file for divorce but give her some time. I love her so I agreed. A week later she called and said that she does love me and wants to make our marriage work but she felt we should stay apart for a month or so. I asked if she has had contact with him and she claims that she has not. She insists that the only conversation she has had with him other than hi when picking up the kids was the one two years ago. The problem is that she is having a hard time getting him out of her head. She claims her thoughts of him have become less and less but they are still there and that scares her because she wants only me in her head when we are together and intimate. Let me say this about my wife. She is very honest and claims to have told me everything. We are both in individual counseling and plan to do marriage counseling together soon. My counselor claims her obsession is indeed an affair.

My questions are:

1. Anyone else out there in this same predicament? Affair with a fantasy or obsession?

2. Any ideas how to get him out of her head?

3. Can I help in getting him out or is this something she has to do on her own?

4. Is the month long separation a good idea or bad idea as far as repairing our marriage is concerned?

5. Any opinions on whether there is any hope for our marriage? (I know what answers I want to hear)

6. Are there any specific things on this web site that address the type of affair my wife is having?

7. Any suggestion on how I should proceed?

Thank you all very much. I feel this type of affair is harder to overcome because I'm competing with a fantasy who I feel has no flaws as far as she is concerned.

ht777

“””1. Anyone else out there in this same predicament? Affair with a fantasy or obsession?”””

I think you’ll find that almost all affairs, whether Emotional or Physical, are entangled with the common threads of fantasy and obsession thriving on secrecy to fuel them. So I’d say that just about anyone whose spouse is in an affair can relate to you.

”””2. Any ideas how to get him out of her head?”””

That’s for her to do and you have very little power there. That being said you do have power. Obviously, I don’t know you or anything about this situation other than what you posted above, however, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that affairs typically don’t just happen, again whether Emotional or Physical. Typically they spawn from a partner who is not getting their “Emotional Needs” met and truly may not even realize this. Then in an instant what they were missing appears in this other person and they choose how they act out on that. I say this all to say that that is where your power resides. What needs were you not meeting? Where you love busting? Figure those out, meet needs, don’t love bust, and open her eyes to you.

”””3. Can I help in getting him out or is this something she has to do on her own?”””

Yes, I hope that I explained that above.

”””4. Is the month long separation a good idea or bad idea as far as repairing our marriage is concerned?”””

In my personal opinion it’s a bad idea. I say this for several reasons, first and foremost, it gives opportunity to act out on impulses for both of you. Second, working together is part of working it out, not the other way around.

”””5. Any opinions on whether there is any hope for our marriage? (I know what answers I want to hear)”””

Sure there is…. However, you only control half of the hope. So if you clean up your side of the street there is hope for you, if she cleans up her side there is hope for her.

”””6. Are there any specific things on this web site that address the type of affair my wife is having?”””

Again, if you click on the Basic Concepts here you’ll see a ton of info on affairs. I would say that your wife was in an emotional affair, even if the other dude isn’t vested in it. Also, take the time to find the article about “Why Women Leave Men”.

”””7. Any suggestion on how I should proceed?”””

First off, what does your counselor think? I think you should follow their advise because they know far more about the situation. My suggestion would be to find out what you can improve on as far as meeting her needs, stop all love busting (there are plenty of articled on that in the Basic Concepts), get her into the house, and get into marital therapy as soon as humanly possible….

Thank you for the reply! I definitely hold some blame for what has happened. Plenty of love busters on my side. Not showing her enough affection. Taking her for granted. I know that now and I am going to change that. Not only for her but for me so that I can have a loving caring relationship. Unfortunately I already agreed to the separation but we both agreed it will only be for about a month or so. We are planning on dating each other and went out to lunch a few days ago. She came with the kids (2) and stayed with me and my folks for Easter though both in separate beds. She does not want to be intimate until she can get him out of here head. That is where my problem lies. What if he NEVER gets out? I love her so much and realize what I have done wrong. I just hope we can work this out and I hope the separation does not ruin things. I hope I hope I hope.

Good news is that she hasn't acted on her feelings. It's too bad you guys split, even in the short term. Makes recovery a bit more difficult.

Not sure I agree that's it's an EA technically unless they are both involved. She has a crush\feelings for all the reasons you are reading here on MB.. ENs not being met, LB being emptied, etc.. I'm sure you know why your W is thinking of someone else. It's hard and painful, but if you are brave enough to dig, you will find the answers and the solutions are all here on this board..

I will also tell you that you will never change your W, or anyone else for that matter. You can only change you and by changing youself, you influence her to see you how she saw you when you first married. Why she married you. It all stinks I know and doesn't seem fair, but here you are.

I know EXACTLY where you are..all too well.. and my W had the A, well.. a one-sided EA like yours, only she acted on it and had a ONS with OM. The guilt of it all forced her into major depression and she's still recovering. I know she thinks of OM, but you can't accuse someone of anything for thoughts.. or feelings for that matter. I find the fact that your W needed to split over her feelings a bit odd. I don't like the sound of it all..

It's too bad you seperated over "thoughts". Not sure what to say about that.. makes recovery harder for all the reasons you will read here..

Here's my advice in a nutshell:

1 - IC for both of you
2 - MC can also only help both of you and your marriage
3 - Get back together in the same house
4 - Find a good church and God and pray, pray, pray.. even if you're not religious. Do it anyway.. trust me on this one. Learn to pray and ask God for help!
5 - Keep focused on the fact that you have children and they need (2) people as parents in order to become healthy adults themselves. Not to say that the children will or should keep you together, but they are a damn good reason to work things out if there's any reason. They are innocent victims to your issues.
6 - Read all you can on marriage and infidelity and how you can make your marriage stronger. It takes work.. and doesn't just happen. Don't make the mistake of believing that it should just be. Love is not all you need!
7 - Only you can make yourself happy, no one else. Do not expect anyone to make you feel anything. Only you control your feelings. Don't blame anyone else for what you do or don't feel.
8 - Love for the sake of giving love and expect nothing in return. It's not a game of debt. It's only something you give and love is a verb, not a noun.
9 - Find LovingAnyway on the GQII or EN forums. She can help you with your personal issues better than any IC ever could. I know this first hand.

Good luck and God bless you and your family. You can do this.

Thanks for the adive JackMO! I agree with all of you points.

Well, so far, I guess this is a success story. The wife and I are back together. We are in counseling and have both come to a realization on why this happened and how we can use it to make our lives and love stronger. All the clichés rang true in my case. “Set it free and if returns it was meant to be”, “That which does not kill you makes you stronger”, and “All things happen for a reason”. That last one I think is how we are looking at it now. Her honesty and the turmoil it caused has forced us to take a closer look at life and what we want both separately and as a couple. I was taking so much for granted and she was having a problem expressing herself and standing up to me on certain issues. We are now living healthier and making it a point of spending time with each other and becoming the best friends we used to be.

In our case the separation was a good thing. Gave us each the space to reflect and concentrate on what it is we want and need in this crazy life. Eventually we started dating and communicating with each other on a whole new level. I realize a separation will not work for everyone but in our case I think it gave us the kick in the pants to do some deep soul searching on both of our parts.

I wish from the bottom of my heart that everyone out there finds happiness and the strength needed to get through rough times. Thanks again for the words of wisdom and kind thoughts.

Peace
ht

> I just had to share this story with
> you.
>
> Two businessmen attend the funeral of a mutual
> colleague.
>
> One man says to the other, "How much did he
> leave?"
>
> The other responds, "He left it all."
>
> Everyone leaves it all. And nobody on their death
> bed wishes they spent more time acquiring more to
> leave. But I think most people, when they look
> into the eyes of their spouse for the last time,
> realize that it's their marriage, the primary
> relationship in their life, which is eternally
> meaningful. Too many people realize in those
> parting moments that they should have DONE THINGS
> DIFFERENTLY.
>
> we all know in the depths of our
> heart what's really important in life. But we
> forget and get distracted. Consider this short
> story a gentle reminder to REFOCUS ON YOUR
> MARRIAGE. Because at the end of your days, you'll
> have a moment with your spouse that will define
> the meaning of your life. It's only a moment, but
> it takes a lifetime to prepare for it. Begin now!
[color:"purple"] [/color]THIS WAS IN A NEWS LETTER I THINK EVERY MARRIED COUPLE SHOULD HAVE IT ON THERE FRIDGE TO READ EVERY MORNING WITH COFFEE....